This kind of says it all.
Until next time,
go lay 'em down.
Love,
Me
Lay 'Em Down by Need to Breathe
Come down to the river
Come and let yourself in
Make good on a promise
To never hurt again
If you're lost and lonely
You're Broken down
Bring all of your troubles
Come lay 'em down
All you sinners
And the weak at heart
All you helpless
On the boulevards
Wherever you are now
Whatever evil you've found
Bring all of your troubles
And come lay 'em down
We're all tied to the same old failings
Finding shelter in things we know
We're all dirty like corrupted small towns
We'll bring our troubles
We'll bring our troubles lay 'em down
All you rich men
And the high above
All those with
And without love
All you burdened
Broken down
Bring all of your troubles
Come lay 'em down
Monday, June 29, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Thorns
Sometimes, I feel as if no one in the world knows me at all. Truth be told, those times are few and far between. But, when they come, I feel that no one, except God, that is, knows me. The very heart of me, and who I am. And, in that moment, I cannot help but feel utterly alone. And, sometimes, I just want to wallow. Wallowing can be good as long as you don't wallow for too long.
Most of the time, however, I am surprised at how well my friends know me. And, not just know me, but love me and are okay with the oddity that I am. Take for example today. I went to the 8 o'clock Mass. It was way early, way too early for me. But, it's Father's day and after work, we wanted to be able to go out to dinner without a huge wait. But, I digress. We went to Mass, and Fr. Tim was there, but Fr. Antony, as you know, was not. I was okay. We sat in our pew, then the singing started and it's like I got slapped in the face by reality. Not just slapped, but bitch slapped. Hard. I can't really explain it. All I knew is that I was not okay. Fr. Antony wasn't here. I'm still not okay. It's been three days. Grieving is different and has a different time span for everyone. Then, I spotted my Julie. After Mass was over, I went to say 'hello' to her and give her a hug. She asked me how I was and I replied "okay, you?" She said it was hard, but she made it through. It was comforting to know that a)someone knows me so well, and b) I was not alone in my still grieving process.
Then, as the day began to close, I got an email from my Carolina. It was about thorns. I'll add it in a few minutes for you guys to enjoy. But here's the thing I've realized as mysterious as I like to be, I am utterly transparent. And, there is a comfort in knowing that my friends know me so well. That even when I feel all alone, besides God, I really am not.
So to Julie and Carolina, thank you for being with me as I wallow and grieve. And to all my friends, thank you for knowing me so well.
Until next time,
Without further ado, I give you Thorns.
Love,
Me
Thorns
Sandra felt as low as the heels of her shoes when she pulled open the florist shop door, against a November gust of wind. Her life had been as sweet as a spring breeze and then, in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a "minor" automobile accident stole her joy. This was Thanksgiving week and the time she should have delivered their infant son. She grieved over their loss.
Troubles had multiplied.
Her husband's company "threatened" to transfer his job to a new location. Her sister had called to say that she could not come for her long awaited holiday visit. What's worse, Sandra's friend suggested that Sandra's grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer.
"She has no idea what I'm feeling," thought Sandra with a shudder "Thanksgiving? Thankful for what?" she wondered.. "For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended me? For an airbag that saved my life, but took my child's?"
"Good afternoon, can I help you?"
Sandra was startled by the approach of the shop clerk. "I . . . I need an arrangement," stammered Sandra.
"For Thanksgiving? I'm convinced that flowers tell stories, "
she continued.. "Are you looking for something that conveys 'gratitude' this Thanksgiving?"
"Not exactly!" Sandra blurted out. "In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong."
Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the clerk said, "I have the perfect arrangement for you.."
Then the bell on the door rang, and the clerk greeted the new customer....
"Hi, Barbara, let me get your order." She excused herself and walked back to a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and what appeared to be long-stemmed thorny roses. Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped; there were no flowers.
"Do you want these in a box?" asked the clerk. Sandra watched was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers! She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed.
"Yes, please," Barbara replied with an appreciative smile.
"You'd think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn't be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again," she said, as she gently tapped her chest.
Sandra stammered, "Ah, that lady just left with . . . uh . . .
she left with no flowers!"
"That's right," said the clerk. "I cut off the flowers. That's the 'Special'. I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet. Barbara came into the shop three years ago, feeling much as you do today," explained the clerk.. " She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had just lost her father; the family business was failing; her son had gotten into drugs; and she was facing major surgery. That same year I had lost my husband," continued the clerk. "For the first time in my life, I had to spend the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too much debt to allow any travel.."
"So what did you do?" asked Sandra.
"I learned to be thankful for thorns," answered the clerk quietly.
"I've always thanked God for the good things in my life and I never questioned Him why those good things happened to me, but when the bad stuff hit, I cried out, 'Why? Why me?!'
It took time for me to learn that the dark times are important to our faith! I have always enjoyed the 'flowers' of my life, but it took the thorns to show me the beauty of God's comfort! You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we're afflicted, and from His consolation we learn to comfort others."
Sandra sucked in her breath, as she thought about what her friend had tried to tell her. "I guess the truth is I don't want comfort. I've lost a baby and I'm angry with God."
Just then someone else walked in the shop.
"Hey, Phil!" the clerk greeted the balding, rotund man.
"My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement, twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems!" laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator..
"Those are for your wife?" asked Sandra incredulously.
"Do you mind telling me why she wants a bouquet that looks
like that?"
"Four years ago, my wife and I nearly divorced," Phil replied. "After forty years, we were in a real mess, but with the Lord's grace and guidance, we trudged through problem after problem, the Lord rescued our marriage. Jenny here (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she had learned from "thorny" times. That was good enough for me.
I took home some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific "problem" and give thanks for what that problem taught us."
As Phil paid the clerk, he said to Sandra, "I highly recommend the Special!"
"I don't know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life" Sandra said to the clerk. "It's all too . . fresh."
"Well," the clerk replied carefully, "my experience has shown me that the thorns make the roses more precious. We treasure God's providential care more during trouble than at any other time. Remember that it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love.... Don't resent the thorns."
Tears rolled down Sandra's cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on her resentment. "I'll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please," she managed to choke out.
"I hoped you would," said the clerk gently. "I'll have them ready in a minute."
"Thank you. What do I owe you?"
"Nothing. Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart... The first year's arrangement is always on me."
The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra. "I'll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you would like to read it first."
It read:
"My God, I have never thanked You for my thorns. I have thanked You a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns. Teach me the glory of the cross I bear; teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that I have climbed closer to You along the path of pain. Show me that, through my tears, the colors of Your rainbow look much more brilliant."
Praise Him for the roses;
thank Him for the thorns.
God Bless all of you.
Be thankful for all that the Lord does for you.
"Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly,
and leave the rest to God.."
We often try to fix problems with WD-40 and Duct tape.
God did it with nails.
Most of the time, however, I am surprised at how well my friends know me. And, not just know me, but love me and are okay with the oddity that I am. Take for example today. I went to the 8 o'clock Mass. It was way early, way too early for me. But, it's Father's day and after work, we wanted to be able to go out to dinner without a huge wait. But, I digress. We went to Mass, and Fr. Tim was there, but Fr. Antony, as you know, was not. I was okay. We sat in our pew, then the singing started and it's like I got slapped in the face by reality. Not just slapped, but bitch slapped. Hard. I can't really explain it. All I knew is that I was not okay. Fr. Antony wasn't here. I'm still not okay. It's been three days. Grieving is different and has a different time span for everyone. Then, I spotted my Julie. After Mass was over, I went to say 'hello' to her and give her a hug. She asked me how I was and I replied "okay, you?" She said it was hard, but she made it through. It was comforting to know that a)someone knows me so well, and b) I was not alone in my still grieving process.
Then, as the day began to close, I got an email from my Carolina. It was about thorns. I'll add it in a few minutes for you guys to enjoy. But here's the thing I've realized as mysterious as I like to be, I am utterly transparent. And, there is a comfort in knowing that my friends know me so well. That even when I feel all alone, besides God, I really am not.
So to Julie and Carolina, thank you for being with me as I wallow and grieve. And to all my friends, thank you for knowing me so well.
Until next time,
Without further ado, I give you Thorns.
Love,
Me
Thorns
Sandra felt as low as the heels of her shoes when she pulled open the florist shop door, against a November gust of wind. Her life had been as sweet as a spring breeze and then, in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a "minor" automobile accident stole her joy. This was Thanksgiving week and the time she should have delivered their infant son. She grieved over their loss.
Troubles had multiplied.
Her husband's company "threatened" to transfer his job to a new location. Her sister had called to say that she could not come for her long awaited holiday visit. What's worse, Sandra's friend suggested that Sandra's grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer.
"She has no idea what I'm feeling," thought Sandra with a shudder "Thanksgiving? Thankful for what?" she wondered.. "For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended me? For an airbag that saved my life, but took my child's?"
"Good afternoon, can I help you?"
Sandra was startled by the approach of the shop clerk. "I . . . I need an arrangement," stammered Sandra.
"For Thanksgiving? I'm convinced that flowers tell stories, "
she continued.. "Are you looking for something that conveys 'gratitude' this Thanksgiving?"
"Not exactly!" Sandra blurted out. "In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong."
Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the clerk said, "I have the perfect arrangement for you.."
Then the bell on the door rang, and the clerk greeted the new customer....
"Hi, Barbara, let me get your order." She excused herself and walked back to a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and what appeared to be long-stemmed thorny roses. Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped; there were no flowers.
"Do you want these in a box?" asked the clerk. Sandra watched was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers! She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed.
"Yes, please," Barbara replied with an appreciative smile.
"You'd think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn't be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again," she said, as she gently tapped her chest.
Sandra stammered, "Ah, that lady just left with . . . uh . . .
she left with no flowers!"
"That's right," said the clerk. "I cut off the flowers. That's the 'Special'. I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet. Barbara came into the shop three years ago, feeling much as you do today," explained the clerk.. " She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had just lost her father; the family business was failing; her son had gotten into drugs; and she was facing major surgery. That same year I had lost my husband," continued the clerk. "For the first time in my life, I had to spend the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too much debt to allow any travel.."
"So what did you do?" asked Sandra.
"I learned to be thankful for thorns," answered the clerk quietly.
"I've always thanked God for the good things in my life and I never questioned Him why those good things happened to me, but when the bad stuff hit, I cried out, 'Why? Why me?!'
It took time for me to learn that the dark times are important to our faith! I have always enjoyed the 'flowers' of my life, but it took the thorns to show me the beauty of God's comfort! You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we're afflicted, and from His consolation we learn to comfort others."
Sandra sucked in her breath, as she thought about what her friend had tried to tell her. "I guess the truth is I don't want comfort. I've lost a baby and I'm angry with God."
Just then someone else walked in the shop.
"Hey, Phil!" the clerk greeted the balding, rotund man.
"My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement, twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems!" laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator..
"Those are for your wife?" asked Sandra incredulously.
"Do you mind telling me why she wants a bouquet that looks
like that?"
"Four years ago, my wife and I nearly divorced," Phil replied. "After forty years, we were in a real mess, but with the Lord's grace and guidance, we trudged through problem after problem, the Lord rescued our marriage. Jenny here (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she had learned from "thorny" times. That was good enough for me.
I took home some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific "problem" and give thanks for what that problem taught us."
As Phil paid the clerk, he said to Sandra, "I highly recommend the Special!"
"I don't know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life" Sandra said to the clerk. "It's all too . . fresh."
"Well," the clerk replied carefully, "my experience has shown me that the thorns make the roses more precious. We treasure God's providential care more during trouble than at any other time. Remember that it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love.... Don't resent the thorns."
Tears rolled down Sandra's cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on her resentment. "I'll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please," she managed to choke out.
"I hoped you would," said the clerk gently. "I'll have them ready in a minute."
"Thank you. What do I owe you?"
"Nothing. Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart... The first year's arrangement is always on me."
The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra. "I'll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you would like to read it first."
It read:
"My God, I have never thanked You for my thorns. I have thanked You a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns. Teach me the glory of the cross I bear; teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that I have climbed closer to You along the path of pain. Show me that, through my tears, the colors of Your rainbow look much more brilliant."
Praise Him for the roses;
thank Him for the thorns.
God Bless all of you.
Be thankful for all that the Lord does for you.
"Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly,
and leave the rest to God.."
We often try to fix problems with WD-40 and Duct tape.
God did it with nails.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
He is not here
Y'know, I read the bible. Not as often as I did when I was in bible study, but I read it and I find comfort in it. Solace. Still, even in the studies, it was hard to relate to the apostles, the women, everyone. Oh, I've tried, and I can imagine what they felt. Today, however...today was different. I can totally align myself with Mary Magdalene. I can tell you, that I have felt almost the exact gut wrenching pain she felt when she went to the tomb and found it empty. I know b/c that's exactly how I felt today.
After little to no sleep last night, I went to Fr. Antony's mass this morning. It was packed! We estimated that there were about 900-1000 in attendance to say there goodbyes. And, lest you think I was the only one crying, there were plenty of tears to go around, and not just from me. I stood in the back, as I had a mission. I wanted to be the last one Fr. Antony gave communion to. And, I was. I know it didn't matter, but to me it did. And, it mattered to about 20 other people as well. See, Fr. Tim's line was short and Robert tried, to no avail, to redirect people from Fr. Antony's line. They weren't moving, and neither was I.
Fr. Antony was so emotional, he had Fr. Tim do the homily today. I think it was a good thing too, as Fr. Antony was crying too.
Today was an extra special day. People were hugging just a little bit harder, just a little bit longer. We lost one of our own. One who was really never ours to begin with, but one who became one of our own. And, yes, I am comparing Fr. Antony to Jesus. There is no way possible not to as everything Fr. Antony did was a shinning example of Jesus. You could not go to confession with Fr. Antony and not feel that Jesus was sitting across from you. It is impossible. Fr. Antony is funny and warm and loving and made those who truly know him feel absolutely special, like they were the only one in the world at that very moment. It would just be the two of you and he was in no hurry to be anywhere else. That my dear friends is Jesus. So, I do not feel in the least blasphemous to compare Fr. Antony to Jesus. Because after all, isn't Jesus the heart of all of us?
Today, after work, I stopped into adoration as I hadn't been there in a while, and who better to ease my pain, but my dad? And, as I pulled up to the chapel, I began to cry and then I heard "He is not here". No, he is not. He is not here, where he was just hours before. He is not saying Mass, hearing a confession, playing with children, talking, smiling, loving. He is gone. He is on a plane. And, that's when it hit me. The pain that Mary must have felt when she went to the tomb to see her beloved Jesus. The only difference is I know where Fr. Antony is and it was still a gut wrenching pain.
You know, throughout this whole ordeal of Fr. Antony leaving, I have been brought to my knees. A lot of us have. I have been brought closer to God. We all have a hole deep in our hearts that will forever be there. So, on this day, this very day, continue to love a little deeper, hug a little tighter, and hold on a little longer.
Until next time,
Pray for Fr. Antony, his safe travel, for rest on his vacation, for God to ease the pain in his own heart as he leaves all of us, and for his new mission in India.
Love,
Me
After little to no sleep last night, I went to Fr. Antony's mass this morning. It was packed! We estimated that there were about 900-1000 in attendance to say there goodbyes. And, lest you think I was the only one crying, there were plenty of tears to go around, and not just from me. I stood in the back, as I had a mission. I wanted to be the last one Fr. Antony gave communion to. And, I was. I know it didn't matter, but to me it did. And, it mattered to about 20 other people as well. See, Fr. Tim's line was short and Robert tried, to no avail, to redirect people from Fr. Antony's line. They weren't moving, and neither was I.
Fr. Antony was so emotional, he had Fr. Tim do the homily today. I think it was a good thing too, as Fr. Antony was crying too.
Today was an extra special day. People were hugging just a little bit harder, just a little bit longer. We lost one of our own. One who was really never ours to begin with, but one who became one of our own. And, yes, I am comparing Fr. Antony to Jesus. There is no way possible not to as everything Fr. Antony did was a shinning example of Jesus. You could not go to confession with Fr. Antony and not feel that Jesus was sitting across from you. It is impossible. Fr. Antony is funny and warm and loving and made those who truly know him feel absolutely special, like they were the only one in the world at that very moment. It would just be the two of you and he was in no hurry to be anywhere else. That my dear friends is Jesus. So, I do not feel in the least blasphemous to compare Fr. Antony to Jesus. Because after all, isn't Jesus the heart of all of us?
Today, after work, I stopped into adoration as I hadn't been there in a while, and who better to ease my pain, but my dad? And, as I pulled up to the chapel, I began to cry and then I heard "He is not here". No, he is not. He is not here, where he was just hours before. He is not saying Mass, hearing a confession, playing with children, talking, smiling, loving. He is gone. He is on a plane. And, that's when it hit me. The pain that Mary must have felt when she went to the tomb to see her beloved Jesus. The only difference is I know where Fr. Antony is and it was still a gut wrenching pain.
You know, throughout this whole ordeal of Fr. Antony leaving, I have been brought to my knees. A lot of us have. I have been brought closer to God. We all have a hole deep in our hearts that will forever be there. So, on this day, this very day, continue to love a little deeper, hug a little tighter, and hold on a little longer.
Until next time,
Pray for Fr. Antony, his safe travel, for rest on his vacation, for God to ease the pain in his own heart as he leaves all of us, and for his new mission in India.
Love,
Me
Saturday, June 13, 2009
And they'll know we are christians by our love
So, it came and it went. Today. The day I have been dreading for five years. Father's Antony's goodbye party. I went to Mass this evening. I knew I was going to cry. But then, he did his homily and spoke from his heart at the end, and I lost it.
Then we went to his party. I was a wreck and that's putting it mildly.
But something amazing happened tonight. At the party, my friends were there. Most of them. And, they know how much I love Fr. Antony. They came up to me and would ask me how I was. Seeing that I was crying buckets and trying, albeit not very well, to hold it together. Then, I had said something to Terry Holliday along the lines of "I was fine until his homily" and Terry said the most beautiful thing. She said "oh, Gina, you were not going to be okay today at all!" lol
So, while I am mourning Fr. Antony, I looked around the hall, it was packed. And, all around this hall, was my friends, my family. I spoke with Deacon Ron for a while and he looked around the hall and said that it reminded him of the song 'they'll know we are Christians by our love'. He was so right. So, I looked around this room, filled to the gills, and there was my family. The people who know me best in this world and love me anyways (Julie, Carol, Shannon to name a few).
So, as I continue to look around the room, and see my family, my true family,I've seen how much I've grown. With each of you, by my side, I've grown. In my spirit, in my faith, in my life, in my love. Thank you all for loving me, embracing me, growing with me, and being with me as the stretching from my growing gets to difficult for me. In short, thank you for carrying me on my stretcher up to the roof. Not just today, but always.
I love you all!
Until next time,
Pray for Fr. Antony for a safe trip.
Love,
Me
PS.
Carolina gave me a huge hug after Mass. I told her how I'm still irked that God took my mom, now Fr. Antony. She said that God thinks I'm ready to go it alone. I can't. I'm not that self sufficient, lol! For those of you in need of big hugs, Carolina rocks!
Then we went to his party. I was a wreck and that's putting it mildly.
But something amazing happened tonight. At the party, my friends were there. Most of them. And, they know how much I love Fr. Antony. They came up to me and would ask me how I was. Seeing that I was crying buckets and trying, albeit not very well, to hold it together. Then, I had said something to Terry Holliday along the lines of "I was fine until his homily" and Terry said the most beautiful thing. She said "oh, Gina, you were not going to be okay today at all!" lol
So, while I am mourning Fr. Antony, I looked around the hall, it was packed. And, all around this hall, was my friends, my family. I spoke with Deacon Ron for a while and he looked around the hall and said that it reminded him of the song 'they'll know we are Christians by our love'. He was so right. So, I looked around this room, filled to the gills, and there was my family. The people who know me best in this world and love me anyways (Julie, Carol, Shannon to name a few).
So, as I continue to look around the room, and see my family, my true family,I've seen how much I've grown. With each of you, by my side, I've grown. In my spirit, in my faith, in my life, in my love. Thank you all for loving me, embracing me, growing with me, and being with me as the stretching from my growing gets to difficult for me. In short, thank you for carrying me on my stretcher up to the roof. Not just today, but always.
I love you all!
Until next time,
Pray for Fr. Antony for a safe trip.
Love,
Me
PS.
Carolina gave me a huge hug after Mass. I told her how I'm still irked that God took my mom, now Fr. Antony. She said that God thinks I'm ready to go it alone. I can't. I'm not that self sufficient, lol! For those of you in need of big hugs, Carolina rocks!
Friday, May 29, 2009
He did it again, Julie!
He amazed me yet again! lol
This week has been awful. Like, cramps of death, curl up in a ball, the haircut is too short, I put on too much weight, they're out of ben-n-jerry's horrible!
But here is what I have learned this week.
* I am a teacup (thank you, Julie :) )
* I am deeply loved by those who know me well (thank you Carolina :) )
* Why would I let people who haven't seen me in ten years define who I am or what I feel when they don't even know me (again, words of wisdom from my Carolina :)
* That even through distance, I can feel a go-limp-in- my-arms-as-I-hold-you hug (thank you, Sharon:))
* That God is here even when I don't feel Him (again, Sharon :) )
* That God's reasons are way better than mine. That He wants to give me my hearts desire but my hearts desire isn't always what's best for me. (thank you, Tina)
* That God wants me to come to him just as I am (thank you, yet again, Jon! You ROCK!)
* That every walk begins with a single step (thanks, Carol :) )
* That I am loved, just the way I am by all of you.
~Sigh~
Thank you. Thank you all. For loving me. Just as I am.
Until next time,
Know that I love all of you very deeply and am always praying for yunz guys :)
Love,
Me
This week has been awful. Like, cramps of death, curl up in a ball, the haircut is too short, I put on too much weight, they're out of ben-n-jerry's horrible!
But here is what I have learned this week.
* I am a teacup (thank you, Julie :) )
* I am deeply loved by those who know me well (thank you Carolina :) )
* Why would I let people who haven't seen me in ten years define who I am or what I feel when they don't even know me (again, words of wisdom from my Carolina :)
* That even through distance, I can feel a go-limp-in- my-arms-as-I-hold-you hug (thank you, Sharon:))
* That God is here even when I don't feel Him (again, Sharon :) )
* That God's reasons are way better than mine. That He wants to give me my hearts desire but my hearts desire isn't always what's best for me. (thank you, Tina)
* That God wants me to come to him just as I am (thank you, yet again, Jon! You ROCK!)
* That every walk begins with a single step (thanks, Carol :) )
* That I am loved, just the way I am by all of you.
~Sigh~
Thank you. Thank you all. For loving me. Just as I am.
Until next time,
Know that I love all of you very deeply and am always praying for yunz guys :)
Love,
Me
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
It's just a washer.
Today was not exactly the best day. And, that's putting it mildly
I talked to my dad. My brother's been home for a few weeks. My dad was suppose to call me when he got there. He didn't. My brother has issues with everyone except my dad right now and my dad said they almost got into it a few times and he was respecting my brother's wishes. What about my wishes? What about me wanting to know he was okay? What about a call that said "you're brother's here, he's fine, but doesn't want to talk to anyone". But apparently my wishes don't matter.
To make it worse, I asked him when he's gonna come to visit as I haven't seen him in about ten years. Yes, you read that correct. I haven't seen my brother in eight years or my dad in ten. But, I digress. He said the stock "I'd love too". But, then he told me all about his trip in October he and Sarah will be taking. Another cruise! A once in a lifetime transatlantic cruise to parts of Italy and Spain (and I think France) for 18 days! Then he regaled me with reminders of his trips last year. All which didn't include visiting me.
Just when you think it couldn't get worse, he tells me how if he hits the lottery (he already had 2 million what has happened to it I don't know, don't care) he would send my family and my sister's family on a cruise together. Then, he'd send me back to college. He didn't want to hear it when I told him that I didn't know what I want to be when I grow up so why go to college? Why pay all that money until I decide what I want to do? But of course, my dreams don't matter.
You know, going through St. Marks chrp, I came to the realization that I love my dad for who he is with him never changing. Then, in the spring, came the whole 'he bought me a washer' thing and while God used him to fill a need, I stupidly got sucked in and thought that he was changing for the better. Stupid me for closing my eyes so tight. It was a washer. God filled my need. While it was an act of God. It was just a washer. He's not changing. While he loves me in his way, it is never going to be the way that I want. I am never going to be good enough. I'm never going to be smart enough, rich enough, powerful enough. I mean, he hasn't even tried to see his own grandchildren, let alone his own daughter in the past ten years. Why this suprises me I have no clue. But it did. And, the fact that I am pmsing I'm sure made it much worse. But still.
Then, the envy hit. Yes, I know it's one of the deadly seven and probably my worst. But occasionally, it rears its head. What am I envious of you ask? My husband, Carol, Tina. All have awesome parents. Carol and Tina not only have awesome parents, but also have great relationships with their siblings. I have a mom who tries to hard and it always comes back to her; my dad, well, nuff said about that, my brother the most immature 34 yr old alive. Yes, yes, he's been at war, but the stories I could tell you would make you faint, curl your hair, pick your analogy. And, then I have my sister, Tina. Who is trying desperately to have a relationship with me now and we are working on it. However, with both our husbands jobs not secure, our financial situation are grim. So we cannot visit each other's families as she lives in Florida. So we email and call occasionally. But it's not the same. Then, I have Mom. George's Mom. We all know how *that* turned out. Still sucks. I have George's dad who totally rocks. But seriously, how much can I lean on him? He's not really the type of guy who likes to listen to the mundane office gossip. Y'know what I mean?
Father Antony is leaving. I haven't seen my therapist in months (that costs money that I don't have). The world feels like it's closing in. And, oh, that little gem that God put in the bible about asking for things in His name and he'll give it to you? Yea, that's a ruse. He forgot to add at the end, if He wants to give it to you. Or, if it's best for you. Trust me on this.
And, you know what the crazy thing is in all of this? It was Sarah's idea to get me the washer. Not even my dad's. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I got sucked in yet again, or the fact that it was just a washer.
So, here I sit with mom gone, working a lot. I couldn't tell you the last time I spent any time with my Carol, my house falling down around me, no permanent job for George in sight, Maria with bronchitis, Jaime failing Math, a dad who doesn't want to see me and a sister that does. I know God loves me. Truly, I do. But, y'know, today I'm just not feeling it.
Until next time,
Thanks for your ears.
Love,
Me
I talked to my dad. My brother's been home for a few weeks. My dad was suppose to call me when he got there. He didn't. My brother has issues with everyone except my dad right now and my dad said they almost got into it a few times and he was respecting my brother's wishes. What about my wishes? What about me wanting to know he was okay? What about a call that said "you're brother's here, he's fine, but doesn't want to talk to anyone". But apparently my wishes don't matter.
To make it worse, I asked him when he's gonna come to visit as I haven't seen him in about ten years. Yes, you read that correct. I haven't seen my brother in eight years or my dad in ten. But, I digress. He said the stock "I'd love too". But, then he told me all about his trip in October he and Sarah will be taking. Another cruise! A once in a lifetime transatlantic cruise to parts of Italy and Spain (and I think France) for 18 days! Then he regaled me with reminders of his trips last year. All which didn't include visiting me.
Just when you think it couldn't get worse, he tells me how if he hits the lottery (he already had 2 million what has happened to it I don't know, don't care) he would send my family and my sister's family on a cruise together. Then, he'd send me back to college. He didn't want to hear it when I told him that I didn't know what I want to be when I grow up so why go to college? Why pay all that money until I decide what I want to do? But of course, my dreams don't matter.
You know, going through St. Marks chrp, I came to the realization that I love my dad for who he is with him never changing. Then, in the spring, came the whole 'he bought me a washer' thing and while God used him to fill a need, I stupidly got sucked in and thought that he was changing for the better. Stupid me for closing my eyes so tight. It was a washer. God filled my need. While it was an act of God. It was just a washer. He's not changing. While he loves me in his way, it is never going to be the way that I want. I am never going to be good enough. I'm never going to be smart enough, rich enough, powerful enough. I mean, he hasn't even tried to see his own grandchildren, let alone his own daughter in the past ten years. Why this suprises me I have no clue. But it did. And, the fact that I am pmsing I'm sure made it much worse. But still.
Then, the envy hit. Yes, I know it's one of the deadly seven and probably my worst. But occasionally, it rears its head. What am I envious of you ask? My husband, Carol, Tina. All have awesome parents. Carol and Tina not only have awesome parents, but also have great relationships with their siblings. I have a mom who tries to hard and it always comes back to her; my dad, well, nuff said about that, my brother the most immature 34 yr old alive. Yes, yes, he's been at war, but the stories I could tell you would make you faint, curl your hair, pick your analogy. And, then I have my sister, Tina. Who is trying desperately to have a relationship with me now and we are working on it. However, with both our husbands jobs not secure, our financial situation are grim. So we cannot visit each other's families as she lives in Florida. So we email and call occasionally. But it's not the same. Then, I have Mom. George's Mom. We all know how *that* turned out. Still sucks. I have George's dad who totally rocks. But seriously, how much can I lean on him? He's not really the type of guy who likes to listen to the mundane office gossip. Y'know what I mean?
Father Antony is leaving. I haven't seen my therapist in months (that costs money that I don't have). The world feels like it's closing in. And, oh, that little gem that God put in the bible about asking for things in His name and he'll give it to you? Yea, that's a ruse. He forgot to add at the end, if He wants to give it to you. Or, if it's best for you. Trust me on this.
And, you know what the crazy thing is in all of this? It was Sarah's idea to get me the washer. Not even my dad's. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I got sucked in yet again, or the fact that it was just a washer.
So, here I sit with mom gone, working a lot. I couldn't tell you the last time I spent any time with my Carol, my house falling down around me, no permanent job for George in sight, Maria with bronchitis, Jaime failing Math, a dad who doesn't want to see me and a sister that does. I know God loves me. Truly, I do. But, y'know, today I'm just not feeling it.
Until next time,
Thanks for your ears.
Love,
Me
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Hello!
Yes, I am aware that I have been absent for a while from the blog, but hey life has been calling, and when it calls, I have to answer! lol
Not sure if you remember, when I got back from Montserrat, I had all this great stuff I wanted to share with you guys. Stuff I had journaled about. While I would love to share it with you guys, I cannot as I cannot find the journal. It wasn't with me when I came home, and Monserrat nor any of the participants from St. Jude have seen it. So, just pretend I told you all this wise and profound stuff from Sr. Marie and the weekend and just 'ooh and ahh'. Okay, problem solved!
Losing my notebook has had me thinking a few things: A) I got what I needed and no longer needed the notebook, B)someone needed to read the ramblings of my innermost thoughts, and C) God wants me to focus and remember on my own. Thereby getting more out of the lessons and talks with God and the weekend in general.
I can tell you this, it took a wile for my soul to quiet down. And, to this day, I don't know where my should is. But, I can tell you I knew the *exact* moment when all the noise, the hubub, the craziness which is inside me ceased to be. All was still and quiet and ready just to be with Him. Since then, the noise is back. I'm still human. Sometimes, I can hear Him calling me to Him. And, being human, some of those times, I say to Him "not right now, I'll talk to you later." The funny thing is He's always available to listen to me, yet, I am not always available to talk to Him. I know I am not alone in this, and that, strangely brings me comfort.
Work is still lovely! In the two months since I've been there, there's only been a day and a half where I wanted to go postal. So, I think that's a pretty good sign!
I hope this finds you all well.
Until next time,
Know that I miss you and I love you.
Love,
Me
Not sure if you remember, when I got back from Montserrat, I had all this great stuff I wanted to share with you guys. Stuff I had journaled about. While I would love to share it with you guys, I cannot as I cannot find the journal. It wasn't with me when I came home, and Monserrat nor any of the participants from St. Jude have seen it. So, just pretend I told you all this wise and profound stuff from Sr. Marie and the weekend and just 'ooh and ahh'. Okay, problem solved!
Losing my notebook has had me thinking a few things: A) I got what I needed and no longer needed the notebook, B)someone needed to read the ramblings of my innermost thoughts, and C) God wants me to focus and remember on my own. Thereby getting more out of the lessons and talks with God and the weekend in general.
I can tell you this, it took a wile for my soul to quiet down. And, to this day, I don't know where my should is. But, I can tell you I knew the *exact* moment when all the noise, the hubub, the craziness which is inside me ceased to be. All was still and quiet and ready just to be with Him. Since then, the noise is back. I'm still human. Sometimes, I can hear Him calling me to Him. And, being human, some of those times, I say to Him "not right now, I'll talk to you later." The funny thing is He's always available to listen to me, yet, I am not always available to talk to Him. I know I am not alone in this, and that, strangely brings me comfort.
Work is still lovely! In the two months since I've been there, there's only been a day and a half where I wanted to go postal. So, I think that's a pretty good sign!
I hope this finds you all well.
Until next time,
Know that I miss you and I love you.
Love,
Me
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