Some days, I hate being human. I know that doesn't make much sense. I love my life, truly I do. Even the crosses that I have to carry. But, some days, my soul just gets so tired and I hate being human. Let me explain a little more. My faith is a good faith. It's like goldilocks, just the right size for me. And, I know no matter what is thrown my way that everything is going to be okay b/c God is in control and not me. But, then there are days when my faith, while still there, is out of wack. It's like, even though I know God has it all taken care of, I want to know how. I want to know when! Those are the days when I hate being human. So, on those days, I talk to myself (more than usual) and I remind myself that God has a plan. And, while I know He does, I am so unbelievably tired of that mantra. I know, I know, chin up, things could be worse. Trust me, you're not telling me anything I haven't told myself. My main source of angst is George's job. He's been working without a contract for four weeks. I can't fix it. I can't get him a job I can't make it better. Only God can. And, it seems no matter how much I pray it doesn't get any better. So, then I think, God has George at this job for a reason. I don't know what that reason is and apparently I'm not suppose to know the reason. This is very ANNOYING. Sigh.
Here's some news for you, I'm depressed. Not like, it's just a bad day tomorrow will be better. No actually depressed. The meds Dr. B put me on haven't kicked in yet. I think they have a little as I don't feel like my skin is the only thing holding me together. So, that's a good thing. But, on the whole, I don't feel like myself, which is weird for me. I mean I'm not happy, but I'm not unhappy. I'm not excited or angry. I just kind of am. I don't know if that makes sense. I'm okay. Just not exactly feeling like me. I'm trying not to worry and not obsess over things I don't have control over (read everything! lol). I am truly blessed I know that. And, so I am trying to concentrate on my blessings. I see my friends struggling with things and I so want to help them, yet I can't. So, I'm just taking it one day at a time and some days, it one minute at a time.
Until next time,
Have a beer or a glass of wine and spend time with the one you love :)
Love,
Me
Monday, June 14, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
The bracelet, the Owl and the Compass
This evening I come home after a long day. I go upstairs into my bathroom and, I take off my bracelets that my Carol gave me (that I didn't give away lol). I then take off my black cross necklace that my Julie gave me as my birthday present a couple years ago (I didn't forget yours, I promise, I'm still searching trying to find what I'm looking for) and then I see my pms shot glass that my Tina gave me by my sink. I see both pictures of me and Carol and me and Julie on my sink and the thought wanders through on how I am surrounded by those I love all the time.
I got to spend quite a bit of time with my Carol today. A few precious hours. We talked about nothing. No, really, I mean, it wasn't quantum physics, it wasn't the kids, it was just talk about nothing and I loved every second of it. Then, she and I got to sing at Billy's funeral. She stood next to me and it felt so good to have her so close. In one of the eulogies, it was mentioned that the person giving the eulogy and Billy were at the same table during CHRP and became good friends right after. I turned to look at my Carol and smiled. That's US I thought! I don't get to spend much time with my Carol, or my Julie, or my Tina. So, the times we do share, the phone calls, the emails, the texts, those are what are most precious to me.
Everyday I go out, that I'm not in my work uniform, I put on my bracelets from Carol. At least twice a week, I'm wearing my Julie's necklace and everyday, I see my PMS shotglass from Tina. And, while I don't get to be with them everyday, they are with me, everyday.
I was describing my friendship with my Julie to someone a couple weeks ago (I can't remember who it was) and I said that she was my breath. Carol is my home. Tina, she is my sanity and Julie, Julie is my breath. I can't breathe without her. She and I, we are cut from the same, small and tattered, soft, beautiful cloth. We are tea cups. She and I, we are defying gravity. We are friends... for good. She is one of my most important links to Jesus. If Jesus is my compass (as Julie likes to say), the Julie is the case that holds the needle that points to Jesus. Me? I'm the little part at the end where you put the strap through. Not overly important, but useful nonetheless :)
Then, I come into my bedroom and there is a picture of me with My Sharon. She's stronger than Sisyphus and wiser than the owl in the hundred acre wood. She is only a phone call or an email away, and she'll BE HERE NEXT WEEK!!! She's very wise. She's the one whom I go to when things don't always make sense. She speaks Gina very well and translates life into Gina and then I understand things a lot better. When I grow up, I want to be like her! But I digress. I am not only surrounded by the people I love everyday, whether it be by wearing their jewelry or seeing their pictures, I am surrounded by Jesus.
Jesus is with me every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every year. He is present in my friendships, my love, my faith, my work. He calls to me to come to Him. I wish I could say every time He calls I go running willingly, but not so much. And, that's okay. I didn't say it was right, I said it was okay. Yea, I'm not having the best go round this last little bit of time, but so what?! Everyone has something. And, like Father Tim says, 'just look to the Cross'. And, that's what I do. I know that no matter where I am, no matter what I'm doing, I can call on Him, and He will be there. I can't tell you how many times I've asked Him to just hold me, or asked the Virgin Mary to hold me and wrap me in her mantle. My faith is like a huge tree firmly rooted in my faith. Sure, big bad winds come and my branches sway and I may loose some leaves, but in the end, I am still standing.
So, everyday, I clothe myself with my Carol, Tina, Julie and Sharon. I have Christ behind me, before me, and within me. Then, I go outside ready to face the world, after I have my coffee of course.
Until next time,
Say a prayer for Billy and the entire Harrison and Church families
Love,
Me
I got to spend quite a bit of time with my Carol today. A few precious hours. We talked about nothing. No, really, I mean, it wasn't quantum physics, it wasn't the kids, it was just talk about nothing and I loved every second of it. Then, she and I got to sing at Billy's funeral. She stood next to me and it felt so good to have her so close. In one of the eulogies, it was mentioned that the person giving the eulogy and Billy were at the same table during CHRP and became good friends right after. I turned to look at my Carol and smiled. That's US I thought! I don't get to spend much time with my Carol, or my Julie, or my Tina. So, the times we do share, the phone calls, the emails, the texts, those are what are most precious to me.
Everyday I go out, that I'm not in my work uniform, I put on my bracelets from Carol. At least twice a week, I'm wearing my Julie's necklace and everyday, I see my PMS shotglass from Tina. And, while I don't get to be with them everyday, they are with me, everyday.
I was describing my friendship with my Julie to someone a couple weeks ago (I can't remember who it was) and I said that she was my breath. Carol is my home. Tina, she is my sanity and Julie, Julie is my breath. I can't breathe without her. She and I, we are cut from the same, small and tattered, soft, beautiful cloth. We are tea cups. She and I, we are defying gravity. We are friends... for good. She is one of my most important links to Jesus. If Jesus is my compass (as Julie likes to say), the Julie is the case that holds the needle that points to Jesus. Me? I'm the little part at the end where you put the strap through. Not overly important, but useful nonetheless :)
Then, I come into my bedroom and there is a picture of me with My Sharon. She's stronger than Sisyphus and wiser than the owl in the hundred acre wood. She is only a phone call or an email away, and she'll BE HERE NEXT WEEK!!! She's very wise. She's the one whom I go to when things don't always make sense. She speaks Gina very well and translates life into Gina and then I understand things a lot better. When I grow up, I want to be like her! But I digress. I am not only surrounded by the people I love everyday, whether it be by wearing their jewelry or seeing their pictures, I am surrounded by Jesus.
Jesus is with me every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every year. He is present in my friendships, my love, my faith, my work. He calls to me to come to Him. I wish I could say every time He calls I go running willingly, but not so much. And, that's okay. I didn't say it was right, I said it was okay. Yea, I'm not having the best go round this last little bit of time, but so what?! Everyone has something. And, like Father Tim says, 'just look to the Cross'. And, that's what I do. I know that no matter where I am, no matter what I'm doing, I can call on Him, and He will be there. I can't tell you how many times I've asked Him to just hold me, or asked the Virgin Mary to hold me and wrap me in her mantle. My faith is like a huge tree firmly rooted in my faith. Sure, big bad winds come and my branches sway and I may loose some leaves, but in the end, I am still standing.
So, everyday, I clothe myself with my Carol, Tina, Julie and Sharon. I have Christ behind me, before me, and within me. Then, I go outside ready to face the world, after I have my coffee of course.
Until next time,
Say a prayer for Billy and the entire Harrison and Church families
Love,
Me
Thursday, May 6, 2010
So. I'm driving to the dr's this morning. And, on the way, I start to cry. Not full blown crying mind you. But the quiet kind where tears stream down your face. That kind. I pull myself together as I arrived. It's finally my turn and the nurse weighs me. Why is it that the dr's scales are always more than the ones at home? I don't know the answer to that one either.
Anyways, the nurse takes my vitals and asks me how I am. "Dude!" I think to myself. "that's a loaded question!" So, I tell her how I am. Really. And, I start to cry. Then, Dr. B comes in and says "so, what's been going on?" Another loaded question. So, I tell him whats going on. And my fears of going back on the meds. And, I cry yet again. OF COURSE he says I have to go back on them! I keep forgetting I'm not in the drivers seat. Here's the thing though. Jesus was with me all day today (as He is everyday). I felt calm, even though I was crying, on my way to the dr's. I was calm in the room (even though I was crying). And, Jesus spoke through Dr. B. He sat there with me for what seemed like an hour, but was actually about 15-20 minutes.
Surprisingly, I tell him everything. I tell him how I've known I've needed to come for a while now. But, in coming, I knew I'd probably go back on the meds and that means admitting that I can't do it on my own. I didn't get the physical today. Dr. B wants to see me in two weeks. Then, we'll see how I'm doing and then maybe do the physical then. "There's plenty of time to get your physical done. Let's get you better first." He says.
So, I leave the dr's not happy, but accepting. Does that make sense? Go to the pharmacy and get my meds. Sigh. I go home to get ready for work, and I take my medicine. I'm not happy about it, but I take it.
So far, day one, aside from being tired and a headache, hasn't been too bad. I've felt relatively calm all day. So, I guess that's a good thing. I don't feel like my skin is the only thing holding me together. More so, that my spine is the only thing keeping me upright (not sure if that's the meds or I'm just tired from this roller coaster).
The cool thing is the gifts that Jesus has given me today. He has my sister text me (so sweet), He has Dr. B sit with me for a while and just talk to me. He has a friendship at work growing closer (which I just LOVE making new friends :) Good ones are so hard to come by!) He gave me the gift of my medicine. Yes, I am choosing to look at it like a gift. He had my friend call me this morning to see how my apt went. He gave me a afternoon visit with my Julie and some of our friends. Then, He blessed me further by giving me some private Julie time with her and one of our friends. And, He spent the morning consoling me and cheering me this morning.
That last one was weird, if you ask me. But in a good way. As I am leaving Dr. B's, defeated, He says to me "What would you tell your friend if they came to you and they told you how they didn't want to go on meds?" So, I told Him. He says "Why isn't that good enough for you?" I guess it should be enough for me. Then, this afternoon, in my private Julie time, Bob sends His wisdom flying right out of her mouth to my ears. Bob is AMAZING. He is awesome at consoling! I left Julie's feeling so much better than I have in a very long time. Julie and Bob make an awesome team!
And, then it hit me just a little while ago. Jesus was with me as I drove to the dr's. He was in the room with me, in the car to CVS, at work, at Julies (definitely at Julies! lol). He was with me the entire day. Just like He is everyday. How many days do I fail to notice His presence? That saddens me. Sadly, I take for granted that He is with me everyday. If I didn't, I would be nicer to people (trust me, I can be not nice a LOT), I would talk kinder, be gentler, and truly treat others the way I'd like to be treated. I'd be a better mom to my kids, a better wife to my loving husband, and a better daughter to my father-in-law.
Am I the only one here who feels like the season of Lent is STILL going? Show of hands, anyone?
On the Mema watch front, this has been a tough week for her health wise. Hospice came again today. Please pray for a peaceful death for her.
Until next time,
“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.” Winnie the Pooh
Love,
Me
Anyways, the nurse takes my vitals and asks me how I am. "Dude!" I think to myself. "that's a loaded question!" So, I tell her how I am. Really. And, I start to cry. Then, Dr. B comes in and says "so, what's been going on?" Another loaded question. So, I tell him whats going on. And my fears of going back on the meds. And, I cry yet again. OF COURSE he says I have to go back on them! I keep forgetting I'm not in the drivers seat. Here's the thing though. Jesus was with me all day today (as He is everyday). I felt calm, even though I was crying, on my way to the dr's. I was calm in the room (even though I was crying). And, Jesus spoke through Dr. B. He sat there with me for what seemed like an hour, but was actually about 15-20 minutes.
Surprisingly, I tell him everything. I tell him how I've known I've needed to come for a while now. But, in coming, I knew I'd probably go back on the meds and that means admitting that I can't do it on my own. I didn't get the physical today. Dr. B wants to see me in two weeks. Then, we'll see how I'm doing and then maybe do the physical then. "There's plenty of time to get your physical done. Let's get you better first." He says.
So, I leave the dr's not happy, but accepting. Does that make sense? Go to the pharmacy and get my meds. Sigh. I go home to get ready for work, and I take my medicine. I'm not happy about it, but I take it.
So far, day one, aside from being tired and a headache, hasn't been too bad. I've felt relatively calm all day. So, I guess that's a good thing. I don't feel like my skin is the only thing holding me together. More so, that my spine is the only thing keeping me upright (not sure if that's the meds or I'm just tired from this roller coaster).
The cool thing is the gifts that Jesus has given me today. He has my sister text me (so sweet), He has Dr. B sit with me for a while and just talk to me. He has a friendship at work growing closer (which I just LOVE making new friends :) Good ones are so hard to come by!) He gave me the gift of my medicine. Yes, I am choosing to look at it like a gift. He had my friend call me this morning to see how my apt went. He gave me a afternoon visit with my Julie and some of our friends. Then, He blessed me further by giving me some private Julie time with her and one of our friends. And, He spent the morning consoling me and cheering me this morning.
That last one was weird, if you ask me. But in a good way. As I am leaving Dr. B's, defeated, He says to me "What would you tell your friend if they came to you and they told you how they didn't want to go on meds?" So, I told Him. He says "Why isn't that good enough for you?" I guess it should be enough for me. Then, this afternoon, in my private Julie time, Bob sends His wisdom flying right out of her mouth to my ears. Bob is AMAZING. He is awesome at consoling! I left Julie's feeling so much better than I have in a very long time. Julie and Bob make an awesome team!
And, then it hit me just a little while ago. Jesus was with me as I drove to the dr's. He was in the room with me, in the car to CVS, at work, at Julies (definitely at Julies! lol). He was with me the entire day. Just like He is everyday. How many days do I fail to notice His presence? That saddens me. Sadly, I take for granted that He is with me everyday. If I didn't, I would be nicer to people (trust me, I can be not nice a LOT), I would talk kinder, be gentler, and truly treat others the way I'd like to be treated. I'd be a better mom to my kids, a better wife to my loving husband, and a better daughter to my father-in-law.
Am I the only one here who feels like the season of Lent is STILL going? Show of hands, anyone?
On the Mema watch front, this has been a tough week for her health wise. Hospice came again today. Please pray for a peaceful death for her.
Until next time,
“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.” Winnie the Pooh
Love,
Me
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
So, my sister Tina calls me last week. She's all turned around over Mema. She wants to go visit her. She was just there two weeks ago, but with her impending death, still wants to go. What do I think, she wants to know. So, I tell her 'go'. If you can go, go. And she does.
She's sad that I cannot go see Mema. But she is happy that we had our August Trip to see her. I tell her 'yes' and 'it was lovely'. What I don't tell her is that it was too short. It was a few hour visit. Granted, that's all we could do at the time. Not sure if you remember, but five states, six days, 23 hours in the car (something like that), and seventeen relatives visited...a few hours were all we had. So, I don't tell her that it was too short for me, b/c this would make my sister feel bad. She already feels bad that I can't go see Mema. I'm not gonna make her feel worse. So, I tell her this...I tell her that 'maybe, this is what God's plan is for me right now, to not see her before she passes. And, I accept that. I don't like it. Don't get me wrong. I don't like it at all. But, it is His plan, so I'm okay.' Funny thing is, I'm not okay. I keep telling myself I am, but I'm not.
Mema has had a difficult time the last couple days. My heart grows heavier and lighter at the same time. I cannot explain it. You have to go through it to experience it, yet, I would never wish this on anyone. So, I offer it up to my God. Surely, my suffering is good for something.
Yesterday, I finally gave myself permission to fall into the hole that has been following me. And, somehow, there is freeing in the falling. I know that while I'm in the hole, God will be there with me. He never leaves me. So, I feel comfortable falling. I don't know how deep the hole is, or how far down I'm going to fall, I just know that it's okay to fall. The only thing I don't like about falling is that it scares George. He doesn't know what to do with me. I've become less me. Less lively. More introspective. More quiet. And, it's not like I'm thinking deep profound thoughts. I think of nothing. I just zone out, catching glimpses of conversations, or tv. I just fall deep into myself and zone away. My poor husband. I know the helplessness he is feeling. I wish I could give him something to do, or tell him how to fix it. But, there is no way to fix this. Only time. Time, and my Savior. And then, in the light of day, while the kids are up and I am around others, I plaster on my smile so the world doesn't know of the heartache that is deep within my soul.
Tomorrow, I have my yearly physical. I'm pretty sure once I lay on him everything that's been going on, he's gonna want to put me back on my meds. Sigh. I'm really not looking forward to that. And, truth be told, the reason I don't want to go back on is b/c I occasionally like my margaritas. Sad, I know. Good thing I'm not on them now, a) it's May 5th and b) It's my friend Catherine's (Underwood) birthday and we are going out to celebrate! Happy Birthday, Catherine!!! But, I digress, in full disclosure, I don't want to go back on b/c then that means I couldn't handle life without them. And, that makes me feel weak. I hate feeling weak.
So, to recap, Mema is still dying, I'm finally falling into the hole, and I have a physical tomorrow.
Until next time,
Love the one your with.
Love,
Me
She's sad that I cannot go see Mema. But she is happy that we had our August Trip to see her. I tell her 'yes' and 'it was lovely'. What I don't tell her is that it was too short. It was a few hour visit. Granted, that's all we could do at the time. Not sure if you remember, but five states, six days, 23 hours in the car (something like that), and seventeen relatives visited...a few hours were all we had. So, I don't tell her that it was too short for me, b/c this would make my sister feel bad. She already feels bad that I can't go see Mema. I'm not gonna make her feel worse. So, I tell her this...I tell her that 'maybe, this is what God's plan is for me right now, to not see her before she passes. And, I accept that. I don't like it. Don't get me wrong. I don't like it at all. But, it is His plan, so I'm okay.' Funny thing is, I'm not okay. I keep telling myself I am, but I'm not.
Mema has had a difficult time the last couple days. My heart grows heavier and lighter at the same time. I cannot explain it. You have to go through it to experience it, yet, I would never wish this on anyone. So, I offer it up to my God. Surely, my suffering is good for something.
Yesterday, I finally gave myself permission to fall into the hole that has been following me. And, somehow, there is freeing in the falling. I know that while I'm in the hole, God will be there with me. He never leaves me. So, I feel comfortable falling. I don't know how deep the hole is, or how far down I'm going to fall, I just know that it's okay to fall. The only thing I don't like about falling is that it scares George. He doesn't know what to do with me. I've become less me. Less lively. More introspective. More quiet. And, it's not like I'm thinking deep profound thoughts. I think of nothing. I just zone out, catching glimpses of conversations, or tv. I just fall deep into myself and zone away. My poor husband. I know the helplessness he is feeling. I wish I could give him something to do, or tell him how to fix it. But, there is no way to fix this. Only time. Time, and my Savior. And then, in the light of day, while the kids are up and I am around others, I plaster on my smile so the world doesn't know of the heartache that is deep within my soul.
Tomorrow, I have my yearly physical. I'm pretty sure once I lay on him everything that's been going on, he's gonna want to put me back on my meds. Sigh. I'm really not looking forward to that. And, truth be told, the reason I don't want to go back on is b/c I occasionally like my margaritas. Sad, I know. Good thing I'm not on them now, a) it's May 5th and b) It's my friend Catherine's (Underwood) birthday and we are going out to celebrate! Happy Birthday, Catherine!!! But, I digress, in full disclosure, I don't want to go back on b/c then that means I couldn't handle life without them. And, that makes me feel weak. I hate feeling weak.
So, to recap, Mema is still dying, I'm finally falling into the hole, and I have a physical tomorrow.
Until next time,
Love the one your with.
Love,
Me
Thursday, April 29, 2010
For Me...
So, remember how great I said Mike was? Yea, he's amazingly smart too. We were iming briefly and I told him I blogged for him. He left to read it and came back and the wise man that he is said "we both know, that wasn't for me, it was for you". lol Yes, Mike. It was, as is all of these blogs, for me. lol
Last time, I mentioned I wanted to write a book called What Not to say to the Grieving. It will include helpful nuggets such as 'unless you wear the watch of death, don't tell me it was their time!' And, yes, my Mema is 92, but still hearing 'she lived a long life' really sucks. She could've lived longer...if it wasn't her time, lol.
Death is not for the living. I heard that somewhere. That profound nugget didn't come from me. Quite honestly, for the living, death sucks beans. I mean, if you're not the one dying that is. While our loved one is in heaven having a beautiful time, we're left here, on earth, with a grand canyon wide, gaping hole in our heart. And, to make us feel better we have people saying stuff that really doesn't make us feel better (see above) but those people are at a loss in how to help us and don't know what to say.
As you know, Mema is dying. I think people in China know at this point. I don't think there's anyone who knows me who doesn't know. And, your loving support is the only thing getting me up in the morning. So, thank you. Hospice starts coming today. The calm before the storm. My loving husband asked his crhp group for prayers for Mema and for me. Funny thing, George thought I'd be upset b/c in his email he put that I'm not 'handling it well' lol. No, honey, I am not remotely upset. And, I am not handling it well at all and that is putting it mildly. George forwarded me there messages of love and support. They range from 'we're praying for you' to I'm sorry. One. One simple, beautiful message made me cry. In a good way of course. You want to know what to say to someone who is grieving an impending loss, this, this right here is what you say:
I know words cannot convey the depth of your wife's sadness, nor are they likely to offer much comfort. Nevertheless, please let your wife know that all of your brothers are praying that her grandmother's last days are ones that will remind your family of God's mercy and grace. We will specially pray for your wife in this time of distress.
And that my friends...THAT is how it's done. Thank you so very much Thad. I find myself coming back to those words of comfort. I cannot thank you enough.
Raise your hand if you remembered what yesterday was. Anyone? It was the six month anniversary of my Vickie's death (see October 09 blog). If you want to see Vickie now, there are a few things you can do. First, you can go to church. I say 'hello' to her just about every Sunday. Tell her I love her. The messages change, but I try to always tell her 'hello'. The second thing you can do is see her daughter. Dude! She is so *beautiful* and looks *exactly* like Vickie, just younger! And, the third thing you can do is look at my Russ. Yes, I realize other than George, I haven't attached a My status to a guy. But trust me, Russ, he's awesome. And I love him dearly. We don't have the friendship that we call or email tons. Our friendship is based on our hearts. I can not see him for a while and then see him and my heart cries out and swells with gladness. Our hearts are connected b/c of Vickie, his wife. And, it is one of the most beautiful feelings in the world. But, I digress. Look at Russ. You can see Vickie's love shinning right through him. He is AMAZING. Please continue to pray for them. Death is not an easy thing to live through (that nugget, that ones mine :). Mom died almost two and a half years ago. And, I could cry at the drop of a hat b/c I miss her so very much. So, Russ and their daughter, six months. Please, continue to pray for strength and love for them. I'd like to tell them, it gets easier, but it doesn't, not really.
Tuesday, the church was shocked to its rafters. Calls were made, emails were sent. A lovely young lady (she was around my age) who I had the pleasure to be acquaintances/friends with had passed in her sleep. This is hard for so many of us to fathom. From, "I just saw her" to 'No way. Jane? Can't be.' I ask you to pray for the repose of her soul. And for her husband and fifteen year old daughter.
Wanna know a secret? Only one person other than George knows, my Sharon. I'm scared of death. Funny, I know. B/c every day I wake up is a day closer to God. Which is a good thing actually. It is the one way that the devil can attack me for sure. Don't get me wrong. While I like to joke that I have a full ride scholarship to hell. I'm pretty sure, that if I play my cards right, I'll get to heaven. But the devil. He's crafty. Death doesn't scare me so much as my death scares me. Will I be able to see everyone I've left behind? Not seeing my children or my husband. That scares me. Yes. The rational side of me (I promise you there really is one) says I'll be hanging out with Jesus and the people I love who've gone before me and that of course, I'll get to see them. But, the crafty dude, yea. He keeps telling me no, I wont. And, that, that scares me. That and I don't want to go painfully. In my sleep preferably and not hit by a bus, or a shark, or a gun. I don't want to know I'm about to go either. Like, in the movies when you're crossing a street and you see the bus coming which is just enough time to register whats about to happen and wet your pants. Yea, I don't want to go that way.
In the middle of the night, when the whole house is asleep, but me, this is what I think about. And, I think maybe that's why it's so important that I let people know how much I love them. Even, Mema. Especially, Mema. I tell her everyday. It's kinda like Patrick Swayze in Ghost. At the end (yes, I realize I reference movies way too much lol) when he says 'the love, you take it with you' or something to that affect. So, when my loved ones pass on, I want them to take it with them. Plus, I think it's important to tell your friends (not just your family) that you love them. Often. I mean, you don't know what crappy day they're having that day. Maybe they're going through something they don't want to share, or don't want you to worry about them. Give them a hug and tell them you love them. People need to feel loved and wanted. That they matter to someone. So, that's another reason why I tell people.
There was this really cool inspiration that I had this morning that I wanted to share with you all. I promise you, it was profound and beautiful and was about faith and came from the Holy Spirit. I couldn't wait to share it with you so I sat to blog before even checking my email. Only to find, that the profoundness I wanted to share with you has escaped me, and this blog is what you were meant to get and the profound nugget was just for me. Dad's wacky like that some times, lol. I do promise however, if the nugget comes back, I will definitely share it with all of you.
Thank you all so much for your love and support during this difficult time. From George who is my constant rock, to my Carol and Tina who let me vent about anything and everything, to my children who are so filled with compassion. To Thad. Your words are a great source of comfort. I asked George to thank you especially. But when he translated that to guy speak, I'm sure it came out as "Gina says thanks" lol. I cannot thank you enough. Your words bring me much comfort. Btw, your wife is pretty awesome! Got to have drinks with her a couple weeks ago!
Until next time,
Pray for all those who have gone before us.
Love,
Me
Last time, I mentioned I wanted to write a book called What Not to say to the Grieving. It will include helpful nuggets such as 'unless you wear the watch of death, don't tell me it was their time!' And, yes, my Mema is 92, but still hearing 'she lived a long life' really sucks. She could've lived longer...if it wasn't her time, lol.
Death is not for the living. I heard that somewhere. That profound nugget didn't come from me. Quite honestly, for the living, death sucks beans. I mean, if you're not the one dying that is. While our loved one is in heaven having a beautiful time, we're left here, on earth, with a grand canyon wide, gaping hole in our heart. And, to make us feel better we have people saying stuff that really doesn't make us feel better (see above) but those people are at a loss in how to help us and don't know what to say.
As you know, Mema is dying. I think people in China know at this point. I don't think there's anyone who knows me who doesn't know. And, your loving support is the only thing getting me up in the morning. So, thank you. Hospice starts coming today. The calm before the storm. My loving husband asked his crhp group for prayers for Mema and for me. Funny thing, George thought I'd be upset b/c in his email he put that I'm not 'handling it well' lol. No, honey, I am not remotely upset. And, I am not handling it well at all and that is putting it mildly. George forwarded me there messages of love and support. They range from 'we're praying for you' to I'm sorry. One. One simple, beautiful message made me cry. In a good way of course. You want to know what to say to someone who is grieving an impending loss, this, this right here is what you say:
I know words cannot convey the depth of your wife's sadness, nor are they likely to offer much comfort. Nevertheless, please let your wife know that all of your brothers are praying that her grandmother's last days are ones that will remind your family of God's mercy and grace. We will specially pray for your wife in this time of distress.
And that my friends...THAT is how it's done. Thank you so very much Thad. I find myself coming back to those words of comfort. I cannot thank you enough.
Raise your hand if you remembered what yesterday was. Anyone? It was the six month anniversary of my Vickie's death (see October 09 blog). If you want to see Vickie now, there are a few things you can do. First, you can go to church. I say 'hello' to her just about every Sunday. Tell her I love her. The messages change, but I try to always tell her 'hello'. The second thing you can do is see her daughter. Dude! She is so *beautiful* and looks *exactly* like Vickie, just younger! And, the third thing you can do is look at my Russ. Yes, I realize other than George, I haven't attached a My status to a guy. But trust me, Russ, he's awesome. And I love him dearly. We don't have the friendship that we call or email tons. Our friendship is based on our hearts. I can not see him for a while and then see him and my heart cries out and swells with gladness. Our hearts are connected b/c of Vickie, his wife. And, it is one of the most beautiful feelings in the world. But, I digress. Look at Russ. You can see Vickie's love shinning right through him. He is AMAZING. Please continue to pray for them. Death is not an easy thing to live through (that nugget, that ones mine :). Mom died almost two and a half years ago. And, I could cry at the drop of a hat b/c I miss her so very much. So, Russ and their daughter, six months. Please, continue to pray for strength and love for them. I'd like to tell them, it gets easier, but it doesn't, not really.
Tuesday, the church was shocked to its rafters. Calls were made, emails were sent. A lovely young lady (she was around my age) who I had the pleasure to be acquaintances/friends with had passed in her sleep. This is hard for so many of us to fathom. From, "I just saw her" to 'No way. Jane? Can't be.' I ask you to pray for the repose of her soul. And for her husband and fifteen year old daughter.
Wanna know a secret? Only one person other than George knows, my Sharon. I'm scared of death. Funny, I know. B/c every day I wake up is a day closer to God. Which is a good thing actually. It is the one way that the devil can attack me for sure. Don't get me wrong. While I like to joke that I have a full ride scholarship to hell. I'm pretty sure, that if I play my cards right, I'll get to heaven. But the devil. He's crafty. Death doesn't scare me so much as my death scares me. Will I be able to see everyone I've left behind? Not seeing my children or my husband. That scares me. Yes. The rational side of me (I promise you there really is one) says I'll be hanging out with Jesus and the people I love who've gone before me and that of course, I'll get to see them. But, the crafty dude, yea. He keeps telling me no, I wont. And, that, that scares me. That and I don't want to go painfully. In my sleep preferably and not hit by a bus, or a shark, or a gun. I don't want to know I'm about to go either. Like, in the movies when you're crossing a street and you see the bus coming which is just enough time to register whats about to happen and wet your pants. Yea, I don't want to go that way.
In the middle of the night, when the whole house is asleep, but me, this is what I think about. And, I think maybe that's why it's so important that I let people know how much I love them. Even, Mema. Especially, Mema. I tell her everyday. It's kinda like Patrick Swayze in Ghost. At the end (yes, I realize I reference movies way too much lol) when he says 'the love, you take it with you' or something to that affect. So, when my loved ones pass on, I want them to take it with them. Plus, I think it's important to tell your friends (not just your family) that you love them. Often. I mean, you don't know what crappy day they're having that day. Maybe they're going through something they don't want to share, or don't want you to worry about them. Give them a hug and tell them you love them. People need to feel loved and wanted. That they matter to someone. So, that's another reason why I tell people.
There was this really cool inspiration that I had this morning that I wanted to share with you all. I promise you, it was profound and beautiful and was about faith and came from the Holy Spirit. I couldn't wait to share it with you so I sat to blog before even checking my email. Only to find, that the profoundness I wanted to share with you has escaped me, and this blog is what you were meant to get and the profound nugget was just for me. Dad's wacky like that some times, lol. I do promise however, if the nugget comes back, I will definitely share it with all of you.
Thank you all so much for your love and support during this difficult time. From George who is my constant rock, to my Carol and Tina who let me vent about anything and everything, to my children who are so filled with compassion. To Thad. Your words are a great source of comfort. I asked George to thank you especially. But when he translated that to guy speak, I'm sure it came out as "Gina says thanks" lol. I cannot thank you enough. Your words bring me much comfort. Btw, your wife is pretty awesome! Got to have drinks with her a couple weeks ago!
Until next time,
Pray for all those who have gone before us.
Love,
Me
Sunday, April 25, 2010
For Mike...
Mike is an awesome family friend, from way back in the day. Before kids, before marriages, before *life* happened. I've blogged about him before, the rainbow connection, actually. He is an amazing guy with an amazing faith, who apparently, has the mind of an elephant and doesn't forget anything. lol
In the past four weeks, life has taken weird twists and turns. I found myself iming with Mike last night, who not only was offering support, but also reminded me I haven't blogged in a while. So, Mike, this one's for you. lol
Most of you know I went to Montserrat last week. I had an amazing time! Jesus had lots to say to me. It was way cool. The coolest I think, is that He showed me that I've finally forgiven myself for tying my tubes 13 years ago. As you all know, I've confessed this. Twice. Yes, God has forgiven me, but I couldn't do it myself. I look at my now three teenagers. I look at George. I want to have more children. Everyone around me is pregnant. Most of my friends. I like to joke, that sex aside, I am the common denominator in all of their pregnancies. So, if you don't want to be pregnant, stay away from me! lol. But, I digress. I didn't realize, I had finally forgiven myself. Jesus had to point that out. And, it was so freeing. It was wonderful.
Jesus also had another conversation with me that went like this:
Jesus: You loooooooooove to tell people how I provide for you.
Me: Yes, Dad, of course I do!
Jesus: You looooooooove to tell people how I meet your needs, all the time.
Me: But, you DO!
Jesus: Chuckles. Right, I know. So, I'm providing all your needs, right?
Me: Yes, Dad. (Jesus, and God are interchangeable for me. The whole Trinity thing lol).
Jesus: So, I'm providing benefits through you, right?
Me: Yes...
Jesus: And, I'm providing work for George so you can meet your bills, right?
Me: Yes, Dad.
Jesus: Then, what is your problem? Why are you so focused in on this permanent job status with George? I'm providing your needs. You have to let this permanent job status thing go.
Me: Ooooooooooooooookay, you make a good point!
So, that was another thing I got to let go of this weekend. George also said last night, that I need to let the fasting thing go. I've been fasting from pop for the last seven months until George got a permanent job. George says that God appreciates the effort but that with the aforementioned message, it's okay to let it go. So, maybe later today, my first coke or Dr. Pepper in seven months :)
Then, one of my favorite parts of the weekend came after I got home. George and I got to spend time, just us. It was just he and I for almost a couple of hours just talking about the last four days apart. What happened with the kids, his job, my weekend. It was a really beautiful moment.
This past week has been pretty rocky. As most of you know, my Mema is dying. Her time is short. And, truth be told, I'm okay with that. I am immensely happy for her. For me, not so much. George and I told the kids. While sad, their compassion floored me. Maria's first question was "can we find money to get you to Great Grandma?" (no) Sarah's question was "Is Gramma 'O' gonna be okay?" (yes, eventually). Jaime was more reserved and opted to call Great Grandma and Gramma 'O' the next day. It was a beautiful thing to experience the hearts of my children.
During this time, I am resisting the deep pull to go into myself. It is a daily struggle to not dig a hole and stay in there. To stay in bed and not come out. I so want to retreat into myself. I may for a little while, eventually. But right now, I have to work. I have to be mom. Later. Later I'll fall in the hole. And, God love George. He says to go in the hole when I'm ready. He'll be here the whole time. To do what I need to do. I don't know, we'll see.
Then, in one of the coolest moves, I get up in the middle of the night and notice I had a text from my sister at midnight, just checking on me, asking if I was okay. Way cool. So, I texted her 'yup' and that I loved her. She called me this morning and we had a really great talk for like an hour. She rocks.
Then, when I got off the phone, a realization hit me that I shared with George. Y'know how I have a hard time accepting that I have friends? Weird, I know. Like, it boggles the mind that Carol and Tina and Julie and Sharon and Mary (Branson and Boyle) (and everyone else) are my friends. My friends. I'm not *exactly* what people call *normal* (for example, at the retreat, I gave God a two page list of prayer request and a three page list of thanks. I was hoping that the thanks page was gonna be longer, lol And, one of the things I thanked Him for, was the color orange. What? It's my favorite. lol). Well, my sister's friendship boggles my mind. After all this time, she and I came out the other side, and we are friends. It boggles my mind that she loves me. I mean, really loves and cares about me. And, that is something, like my friendships, that I am thankful for and like all of God's works, totally in awe of.
The next week is gonna be a whirlwind. Well, the weekend anyway. I work Monday and then have the rest of the week off (thank you TAKS testing!). Then Friday, Dad comes to town (George's Dad, but I claim him as my own :), Friday evening is confirmation rehersal. Saturday morning, Maria is getting confirmed!!! For those of you wondering, she chose the AMAZING St. Thérése as her saint! She's Julie's and my favorite! Don't get us wrong, they're all awesome, but St. Thérése, she's our girl! Then, on Monday, Jaime turns 16!!! Amazing. So, lots to celebrate this week.
So, My Mike, there you have it. Nothing profound, nothing life altering. But, an update for you, nonetheless.
Until next time,
Please pray for a peaceful death for my Mema
Love,
Me
Up next: my book called What Not to Say to the Grieving....lol
In the past four weeks, life has taken weird twists and turns. I found myself iming with Mike last night, who not only was offering support, but also reminded me I haven't blogged in a while. So, Mike, this one's for you. lol
Most of you know I went to Montserrat last week. I had an amazing time! Jesus had lots to say to me. It was way cool. The coolest I think, is that He showed me that I've finally forgiven myself for tying my tubes 13 years ago. As you all know, I've confessed this. Twice. Yes, God has forgiven me, but I couldn't do it myself. I look at my now three teenagers. I look at George. I want to have more children. Everyone around me is pregnant. Most of my friends. I like to joke, that sex aside, I am the common denominator in all of their pregnancies. So, if you don't want to be pregnant, stay away from me! lol. But, I digress. I didn't realize, I had finally forgiven myself. Jesus had to point that out. And, it was so freeing. It was wonderful.
Jesus also had another conversation with me that went like this:
Jesus: You loooooooooove to tell people how I provide for you.
Me: Yes, Dad, of course I do!
Jesus: You looooooooove to tell people how I meet your needs, all the time.
Me: But, you DO!
Jesus: Chuckles. Right, I know. So, I'm providing all your needs, right?
Me: Yes, Dad. (Jesus, and God are interchangeable for me. The whole Trinity thing lol).
Jesus: So, I'm providing benefits through you, right?
Me: Yes...
Jesus: And, I'm providing work for George so you can meet your bills, right?
Me: Yes, Dad.
Jesus: Then, what is your problem? Why are you so focused in on this permanent job status with George? I'm providing your needs. You have to let this permanent job status thing go.
Me: Ooooooooooooooookay, you make a good point!
So, that was another thing I got to let go of this weekend. George also said last night, that I need to let the fasting thing go. I've been fasting from pop for the last seven months until George got a permanent job. George says that God appreciates the effort but that with the aforementioned message, it's okay to let it go. So, maybe later today, my first coke or Dr. Pepper in seven months :)
Then, one of my favorite parts of the weekend came after I got home. George and I got to spend time, just us. It was just he and I for almost a couple of hours just talking about the last four days apart. What happened with the kids, his job, my weekend. It was a really beautiful moment.
This past week has been pretty rocky. As most of you know, my Mema is dying. Her time is short. And, truth be told, I'm okay with that. I am immensely happy for her. For me, not so much. George and I told the kids. While sad, their compassion floored me. Maria's first question was "can we find money to get you to Great Grandma?" (no) Sarah's question was "Is Gramma 'O' gonna be okay?" (yes, eventually). Jaime was more reserved and opted to call Great Grandma and Gramma 'O' the next day. It was a beautiful thing to experience the hearts of my children.
During this time, I am resisting the deep pull to go into myself. It is a daily struggle to not dig a hole and stay in there. To stay in bed and not come out. I so want to retreat into myself. I may for a little while, eventually. But right now, I have to work. I have to be mom. Later. Later I'll fall in the hole. And, God love George. He says to go in the hole when I'm ready. He'll be here the whole time. To do what I need to do. I don't know, we'll see.
Then, in one of the coolest moves, I get up in the middle of the night and notice I had a text from my sister at midnight, just checking on me, asking if I was okay. Way cool. So, I texted her 'yup' and that I loved her. She called me this morning and we had a really great talk for like an hour. She rocks.
Then, when I got off the phone, a realization hit me that I shared with George. Y'know how I have a hard time accepting that I have friends? Weird, I know. Like, it boggles the mind that Carol and Tina and Julie and Sharon and Mary (Branson and Boyle) (and everyone else) are my friends. My friends. I'm not *exactly* what people call *normal* (for example, at the retreat, I gave God a two page list of prayer request and a three page list of thanks. I was hoping that the thanks page was gonna be longer, lol And, one of the things I thanked Him for, was the color orange. What? It's my favorite. lol). Well, my sister's friendship boggles my mind. After all this time, she and I came out the other side, and we are friends. It boggles my mind that she loves me. I mean, really loves and cares about me. And, that is something, like my friendships, that I am thankful for and like all of God's works, totally in awe of.
The next week is gonna be a whirlwind. Well, the weekend anyway. I work Monday and then have the rest of the week off (thank you TAKS testing!). Then Friday, Dad comes to town (George's Dad, but I claim him as my own :), Friday evening is confirmation rehersal. Saturday morning, Maria is getting confirmed!!! For those of you wondering, she chose the AMAZING St. Thérése as her saint! She's Julie's and my favorite! Don't get us wrong, they're all awesome, but St. Thérése, she's our girl! Then, on Monday, Jaime turns 16!!! Amazing. So, lots to celebrate this week.
So, My Mike, there you have it. Nothing profound, nothing life altering. But, an update for you, nonetheless.
Until next time,
Please pray for a peaceful death for my Mema
Love,
Me
Up next: my book called What Not to Say to the Grieving....lol
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Blips
Y'know, inspiration can strike anywhere. Anytime. I told George that I wish I had a mental keyboard, so when inspiration strikes and I think about things I want to share with the world, I could write it down in my head. My current system involves me repeating over and over a key word to remind me what I wanted to share. This system does not always work so well, lol!
Here's what I can remember wanting to share with you this past week.
Sunday blip:
I went back to singing in my beloved choir with Mike Howard and the band. It was like coming home. God and I. Just sharing the hour with each other. I had the perfect view of two particular stations of the cross from where I stood. One was Jesus on the cross and the other was Jesus in Mary's arms. And, then I was reminded about something Dad had said. Jesus had twelve friends. How come only one of them was at the foot of the cross? Days before they were welcoming Him with palm reeds. Where did they go? Looking at these two stations, my heart was deeply moved. And then I wondered, if I was Jesus' friend or apostle, would I have stayed at the foot of the cross with His mother and John? As much as I'd like to say "yes", I don't know. One thing that always gets me during the Easter Tridum is when we say "crucify Him, crucify Him!" For years I didn't say it. This particular part brings me to tears. I so don't want to be one of those people. But, aren't I? When I turn away from Him? Which brings me to the next blip.
Not sure of the day blip:
You know when you're being attacked and you know you're being attacked? Most times, I tell him to get behind me or something to that affect. Then, the other day, I knew I was being attacked and in that moment I said "flip it, I don't care" and just let the attack continue (it didn't last much longer). I was content to be in the attack. Has that ever happened to you? It's happened to me one or two more times. It's weird, just being in my complacency. Not wanting to move. I kind of felt bad about not caring. Have you ever had the mean reds (Breakfast at Tiffany's)? I think that's what I was feeling that day.
Tuesday blip:
Phantom of the Opera. I took the girls to see their first play! They love the movie and it was SUCH a surprise for them! They had NO clue! I think I have told each of you at some point just how much the girls and I adamantly believe that Christine belongs with the Phantom and not stupid Raoul! lol I'm watching the girls watch the play (I had seen it the week before with George). Maria quietly singing along (This is my FAVORITE SONG! lol FYI it was the Point of No Return). Sarah riveted. Then during intermission we were able to move our seats from birds nest to fifteenth row from the stage! Then, at the end, I found myself crying again. How can you NOT cry after Christine leaves and while his heart is breaking the Phantom sings "I looooooooove you!" Heartbreaking I tell you! HEARTBREAKING! lol But, I digress! lol One of the songs that I love is Masquerade. The line in there, "Masquerade painted faces on parade. Look around there's another mask behind you. Hide away so the world will never find you." Isn't that what we do on a daily basis? Don't we hide behind our masks? While I have many friends, many are close to my heart, there are a select few, other than George, who know me so well and see behind my mask that I wear. They know my 'everything is fine' smile. They even know the 'everything is fine' smile that is in my voice. Why is it that we wear our masks? They even change! A different mask for different days, places, and situations. You don't get that with Jesus. He is one (well, three in one actually). No mask, no pretense. Why can't we do that? Why do we put on our masks and hide from Him? Surely, I can't be the only one (and don't call me Shirley).
This lent has given me a lot of self exploration. While I really didn't give anything up, I had a list (did I tell you) of about 17 things I wanted to do daily. Then, I realized I was putting pressure on myself so I set about doing different things and hoping some of them stick. It's neat to see how things are changing in me. I still feel bad when I don't make adoration b/c I forgot, yet again. Even though I have every intention of going. And, when things get spiritually difficult, during this season I think "He is working on me, molding me to how I am suppose to be, just go with it!" Why is it I can give myself that message during these forty days, but not the other 325 days of the year?
Thursday blip:
Bunco
I've been a sub on a few lists over the years. I've been lamenting to my Carol for years that we should start our own b/c the only way we're gonna get on a team is if someone dies or gets kicked off and I don't wish that on anyone. So, after weeks of putting it together, it finally happened. I had talked with Bob about who I should ask. In His wisdom, He asked who I love that I don't get to spend much time with. So, I did. Then, the night came and everyone came (minus two who were missed). It was surreal. When you're a sub, you come into a group already made, even if you know the people you're playing with, you always feel a little on the outside. This time was different. It was MY group full of My's. My Carol, My Tina, My Julie, My Amy. My, My, My times twelve. It was surreal in the way as I continually looked around, these were the people who bless my life (other than my family). They are my gifts from God. I'd look around and go "awww MY Julie!, MY Shannon!" These women, these twelve, they are like my very own board of directors, my counsel. They know me. They. *Know*. *ME* . Even the me behind the mask. Do you have any idea how cool it is to be in a room full of your closets friends in the entire world? Add to the fact that these are ALL Catholic women. All spiritual women! WOW. Just to be a part of it is a holy experience for me. I am truly blessed. I looked around the rooms and heard the laughter and saw the smiles and I thanked God.
Not all the days have blips and some days have more. That's okay. At the end of the day/week/month, even though I don't always tell you about the blips (b/c I forgot what I wanted to say), I think the point of the blips for me is that I work them through in my head at the time. I literally start blogging in my head as if I'm talking to all of you. Looking for the God connections that came or is currently taking place and exploring that connection.
Until next time,
What are your blips?
Love,
ME
PS. MY SHARON is coming to town this week and I get to have lunch with her, my Julie, and My Jeanne! WOOOHOOO!!!
Here's what I can remember wanting to share with you this past week.
Sunday blip:
I went back to singing in my beloved choir with Mike Howard and the band. It was like coming home. God and I. Just sharing the hour with each other. I had the perfect view of two particular stations of the cross from where I stood. One was Jesus on the cross and the other was Jesus in Mary's arms. And, then I was reminded about something Dad had said. Jesus had twelve friends. How come only one of them was at the foot of the cross? Days before they were welcoming Him with palm reeds. Where did they go? Looking at these two stations, my heart was deeply moved. And then I wondered, if I was Jesus' friend or apostle, would I have stayed at the foot of the cross with His mother and John? As much as I'd like to say "yes", I don't know. One thing that always gets me during the Easter Tridum is when we say "crucify Him, crucify Him!" For years I didn't say it. This particular part brings me to tears. I so don't want to be one of those people. But, aren't I? When I turn away from Him? Which brings me to the next blip.
Not sure of the day blip:
You know when you're being attacked and you know you're being attacked? Most times, I tell him to get behind me or something to that affect. Then, the other day, I knew I was being attacked and in that moment I said "flip it, I don't care" and just let the attack continue (it didn't last much longer). I was content to be in the attack. Has that ever happened to you? It's happened to me one or two more times. It's weird, just being in my complacency. Not wanting to move. I kind of felt bad about not caring. Have you ever had the mean reds (Breakfast at Tiffany's)? I think that's what I was feeling that day.
Tuesday blip:
Phantom of the Opera. I took the girls to see their first play! They love the movie and it was SUCH a surprise for them! They had NO clue! I think I have told each of you at some point just how much the girls and I adamantly believe that Christine belongs with the Phantom and not stupid Raoul! lol I'm watching the girls watch the play (I had seen it the week before with George). Maria quietly singing along (This is my FAVORITE SONG! lol FYI it was the Point of No Return). Sarah riveted. Then during intermission we were able to move our seats from birds nest to fifteenth row from the stage! Then, at the end, I found myself crying again. How can you NOT cry after Christine leaves and while his heart is breaking the Phantom sings "I looooooooove you!" Heartbreaking I tell you! HEARTBREAKING! lol But, I digress! lol One of the songs that I love is Masquerade. The line in there, "Masquerade painted faces on parade. Look around there's another mask behind you. Hide away so the world will never find you." Isn't that what we do on a daily basis? Don't we hide behind our masks? While I have many friends, many are close to my heart, there are a select few, other than George, who know me so well and see behind my mask that I wear. They know my 'everything is fine' smile. They even know the 'everything is fine' smile that is in my voice. Why is it that we wear our masks? They even change! A different mask for different days, places, and situations. You don't get that with Jesus. He is one (well, three in one actually). No mask, no pretense. Why can't we do that? Why do we put on our masks and hide from Him? Surely, I can't be the only one (and don't call me Shirley).
This lent has given me a lot of self exploration. While I really didn't give anything up, I had a list (did I tell you) of about 17 things I wanted to do daily. Then, I realized I was putting pressure on myself so I set about doing different things and hoping some of them stick. It's neat to see how things are changing in me. I still feel bad when I don't make adoration b/c I forgot, yet again. Even though I have every intention of going. And, when things get spiritually difficult, during this season I think "He is working on me, molding me to how I am suppose to be, just go with it!" Why is it I can give myself that message during these forty days, but not the other 325 days of the year?
Thursday blip:
Bunco
I've been a sub on a few lists over the years. I've been lamenting to my Carol for years that we should start our own b/c the only way we're gonna get on a team is if someone dies or gets kicked off and I don't wish that on anyone. So, after weeks of putting it together, it finally happened. I had talked with Bob about who I should ask. In His wisdom, He asked who I love that I don't get to spend much time with. So, I did. Then, the night came and everyone came (minus two who were missed). It was surreal. When you're a sub, you come into a group already made, even if you know the people you're playing with, you always feel a little on the outside. This time was different. It was MY group full of My's. My Carol, My Tina, My Julie, My Amy. My, My, My times twelve. It was surreal in the way as I continually looked around, these were the people who bless my life (other than my family). They are my gifts from God. I'd look around and go "awww MY Julie!, MY Shannon!" These women, these twelve, they are like my very own board of directors, my counsel. They know me. They. *Know*. *ME* . Even the me behind the mask. Do you have any idea how cool it is to be in a room full of your closets friends in the entire world? Add to the fact that these are ALL Catholic women. All spiritual women! WOW. Just to be a part of it is a holy experience for me. I am truly blessed. I looked around the rooms and heard the laughter and saw the smiles and I thanked God.
Not all the days have blips and some days have more. That's okay. At the end of the day/week/month, even though I don't always tell you about the blips (b/c I forgot what I wanted to say), I think the point of the blips for me is that I work them through in my head at the time. I literally start blogging in my head as if I'm talking to all of you. Looking for the God connections that came or is currently taking place and exploring that connection.
Until next time,
What are your blips?
Love,
ME
PS. MY SHARON is coming to town this week and I get to have lunch with her, my Julie, and My Jeanne! WOOOHOOO!!!
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