It's late, and I'm tired.  Why then, you ask, am I up at 1 in the morning talking to all of you.  Well, in a nutshell, I have lots to say, but nothing to say, really.  Thoughts have been floating in and out for a week or longer lately.  I still wish we could do a mind meld so you could see all I want to tell you without me having to expend the energy to tell you what I want to tell you.

It has been a massively busy week and it's only going to keep going from here.  Everyone is settling into their routines of school and activities and church.  At first, it really doesn't seem like a lot, yet other days, it feels like I don't even get a chance to pee.  Y'know what I mean?

Mass was kind of different today.  I was in my own little world today during Mass.  I listened to the readings, said the prayers and then came time for communion.  George and I got to EM together in the back.  I was the blood of Christ.  And, as I am sharing the blood of Christ with others, most of whom I do not know, there were quite a few others that I knew.  I knew of them, or who they were, or we were great friends.  All to varying degrees.  But something stirred inside of me when it was someone I knew.  For instance, I really felt it when Brian (my Carol's husband whom I love) came up to me.  We smiled at each other and it was a cool moment for me.  In that moment passed so many deep thoughts.  How often have Brian and I ate together?  How many holiday's have our families been together?  The many times we've attended Mass together as a family  How many days, weeks, years, have our families been together?  There is something so inherently cool about sharing this particular meal with people I know and love.  I liken it to eating at McDonald's (or whatever restaurant you choose).  Sometimes, I have the rare opportunity to eat by myself and I'm inside the restaurant and there's all these people around I do not know.  Then, there are times when I go there and I am with a friend and that meal, that same burger you can have all over the world that tastes exactly the same becomes more enjoyable.  Mass is like that for me, specifically, the Eucharist.  Participating in the meal by myself (either giving the meal or receiving the meal) is a spiritual experience in and of itself, but to share that meal with someone I love (again either giving or receiving the meal) heightens my awareness and my love for my God, and my friend with whom I am sharing.  For instance, today with Brian, I thought "this is massively cool."  Not only are he and I family, not only do we know each others faults (and trust me, I've got quite a few) and love each other anyways, he and I share a same faith that brings us together to share a meal.  This is a rare occurrence because we attend different Masses due to our families schedule.  I can tell you, we attend the same Christmas Mass together though!  But, I digress, I was talking about how cool it is to share such a special meal with someone you love.  I hope all of you get that opportunity at one time or another.

Life has not really taken a turn for the worse, it's more of the same.  He is working something in me yet again, Mema and Mom are still dead, Dad still lives in Philly, Carol still works harder than anyone should ever have too, and Tina is still pregnant.  I am still here, sorry Carol, I'm not necessarily walking.  I'm more like a stumbling drunk who's too tired to walk and keeps falling down.  Some days though, I really am trying to walk.  But lately, I'm in a "Dad will you carry me please?" mode.  But, as I said, I am here.  I may not like nor understand the lesson that He is trying to teach me, but I show up everyday, nonetheless.  Greta, what a far cry from five years ago, huh?!?  I know lots of us have been on a rollercoaster lately.  We're chug chug chugging up the hill and what seems like a snails pace.  Look on the bright side, the rush of the wind and the whir of the cart against the tracks, the wind in our smiles as our hands fly to the heavens in praise of Him, yea, that part is on its way!  So, stay with me, hold on to the crossbar that has us fastened in and know that I am riding it with all of you.

Until next time,
I'm leaving you with this....one of my very, very, favs...



Love,
Me

Some days there just are no words, even for me. 


I'm not happy, yet I'm not unhappy.  I'm not sad.  I don't want to be around people, but I don't want to be alone.  I want to talk but I don't want to say anything.  It's like it would be so much better if someone could just do the Vulcan mind meld and touch my head and see what I want to say.  I am just empty.  My spiritual life is blah.  I know He's there.  I know they're all there.  But, I don't feel  much.  I know, it's just another valley.  And, I'm okay with that.  It just get's a little lonely spiritually.

I miss Mema.  I miss my mom, I miss my sister.  I wish my brother would talk to me.  But, these are things, like many others that I have no control over.

I can tell you this.  He is working something with me (as always).  And, as usual, I don't know what it is.  But, I am here, and I am listening.  Whenever He feels like talking.

Until next time,
pray for my friend Sharon who lost her Grandmother.

Love,
Me

I know it's been way too long since I last posted.  I could give you about ten different reasons or excuses if you want them.  Just email me and I'll give them to you.

Sunday's are still hard.  I'm guessing they're gonna be hard for the foreseeable future.  No, I don't know how many, you can't rush grief.  I am learning however, that you can fake that you're fine.  I've gotten so good during the week, that it's almost as if Mema hasn't died.  Chalk it up as business from back to school, back to JYM, back to work.  Even when I come home from work and have that hour and a half to myself of quiet, my mind is thinking 'what's for dinner'?  'Who has what tonight'? etc.  But, come Sunday's, there is no hiding.  Especially, at Mass.  Sunday's amidst the laundry, meals, and Mass, somewhere in there I get smacked by a wall (no, I don't run into one, I get smacked by one).  Realization once again hits and the breath rushes out of me and all that I have been subconsciously hiding comes flooding to the surface and my heart breaks all over again.  This is not fun, but something I've come to accept.

Work has started back up.  I can honestly say I am enjoying it more than last year, and we're only in our second week.  I really like the people (most of them) that I work with and that makes it fun!  As a side note, I'm back to selling Pampered Chef!  I'm excited about it!  I really missed it!  I figure I'll mostly be doing catalog shows and a few fundraisers with the occasional regular show thrown in.  So, be prepared, you might be getting an email to host a catalog show, even if you live out of state, lol.

I'm sure there's more I can tell you, I just can't remember it now.  It's the mental byproduct of having three teenagers, lol.  I just wanted to let you know that I am here, I haven't gone anywhere.  At least physically anyway.  I try to go somewhere in my head everyday.  Enjoy your day and know that I love you :D

Until next time,
Pray for my friend Lori, please :D

Love,
Me

Sundays

I sincerely dislike Sunday's as of late, say oh, the last four weeks.  And, the weird part is I always forget that I dislike them until they are here.  Take for instance today.  I wake up and feel blah.  There is an overcast to my mood.  As my eyes open, before any words are spoken, I remember, four weeks today, that Mema passed.  During the week I'm okay, well, mostly okay.  But there is just something about Sunday's now.  I really, *really* miss Mema and, that's okay. 

This evening, we all go to the 5pm Mass.  This is my favorite Mass.  And, as the Mass begins, I am happy to be in my Home.  I feel less blah.  But, as the Mass progresses, I feel Mema.  Or rather, I feel the loss of Mema.  Deeply.  I know, when I am safe, in my Home (church) when I am celebrating with all the Angels, I *know* she is there with me.  Today was just a little different.  I met Jesus in Mass today.  Sure, He's with me everyday, but I actually *met* Him.  It's greeting your neighbor during church time and I turn around and there He is.  His shirt is something like I've seen Him wear in pictures.  His hair is shorter, a little below His chin length, no facial hair, but it is Him.  At first, I really don't think anything of this, until it is time for the sign of peace.  I turn around and shake His hand and we look directly into each others eyes, and I knew.  His smile, His eyes (they were the most beautiful blue) looked right through me and His smile told me everything was going to be okay.  He smiled at me like only a brother could when comforting His little sister.  As I turned around I heard Dad tell me "I am with you always" and I thought 'how funny is it that I always seem to forget that'.  I'm sure you guys might have seen Him, and I'm sure He looked just like a normal person to you.  Maybe that's because He was just there for me today.  All I know is it was the most beautiful thing I have experienced in such a very, very, long time.

Does all this mean that I'm over Mema's death?  Not hardly.  It's just a beautiful reminder that everything is going to be okay, eventually.  It's like this, you know how you know your friends/spouse love you?  You don't question it, you know they're there if you ever need them; then out of the blue one day, the remind you "hey, you know I'm here if you need me, right?" And, just that solidification of what you already knew makes you feel better?  Yea, it's like that.

My Carol is gone.  She's on her yearly vacation to visit her beautiful family up north.  Yes, we still keep in contact.  Contrary to what many would like to think, I'm sure, getting away from me isn't that easy! lol  No, Carol and I are a part of each other.  We could be far away geographically, but we are always together.  Don't get me wrong, I miss her, and the kids, and I feel like part of me is missing.  But, I just wanted to let her know, that I am walking, albeit a bit slowly, but walking nonetheless.

My Julie is getting so much stronger!  And, I got to see her this week and that makes me *so* happy!  She brings me such joy!

My Sharon is doing well too!  Oh, how I miss her!  She is the epitome of true friendship.  Even though she is miles and miles and miles away in my beloved Steeler Country, she is only a phone call or an email or text away.  It doesn't matter if I'm calling to say "hi" or complain she is there, she is awesome!

Ahhh, my newest my.  My Alyssa, the woman is a walking inspiration.  Always a smile for everyone.  I am so enjoying our growing friendship.  She is SO funny!  She makes me laugh!  And, have you seen her smirk?  It's hysterical!  I think she saves it for me it's awesome!

So, sure, I dislike Sunday's for now, and that's okay.  My Dad understands.  He gives me everything I need to walk this path...my George, my beloved friends, even His son at Mass.  I don't have all the answers, heck, I don't even know what some of the questions are.  All I know is that I have to keep walking, and walk I shall.

Until next time,
Continue to pray for healing for My Julie, and healing for her mom, Kathy. And, a safe trip home for My Carol.

Love,
Me

Rock the boat (don't rock the boat baby)

Yes, I know it's been a while.  Forgive me, life has just been hectic.  But, I am here, at 1:14 AM and as I was trying to go to sleep, I started writing my blog in my head (as I so often do).  But instead of falling asleep only to wake up going "what did I want to say again?"  I figured, "hey, I'm already up, so let's do this".

Sunday, my friend had a mass said for Mema.  I knew this going into the mass.  I've been doing pretty well.  I've even gone so far as to tell George "I think everything is going to be okay.  I think I'm going to be okay."  HA HA HA HA HA!  When they are about to announce the mass intention, I start to silently cry.  Then, Fr. Tim announces it and I cry more.  Then, during communion I pretty much silently loose it.  As I'm praying after communion God says to me "You know, you're not as okay with this as you say you are."  I tell Him I know, and to please, please don't tell George.  lol  I don't want George to worry.  Yea, I told George this after we got home from mass.

Then, tonight was another mass for my Mema.  And, I'm there next to Catherine Underwood (fabulous lady), Lisa Ryan (gives ahhhhhhmazing hugs), and my Alyssa Barreneche.  And, as we are standing, saying the Our Father, my hands linked to Alyssa's, Lisa's, and Cat's (by association of break dance moves), I am in awe of the three that are standing with me.  I am in awe b/c a year ago, I didn't know these people (well, that's not totally true.  I knew who Cat was, but didn't really *know* her).  Oh, how my life has changed in a mere year.  How blessed I felt to be holding hands with these amazing women and praising our God!  I don't know what I did to deserve such blessings as these ladies.  They are such gifts to me.

During the homily, Fr. Tuan tells us to go back later to meditate.  The reading was Matt 14:22-36.  He repeated it...frequently. lol  I'll save you time looking it up.  It's when Peter walked on water for like, five seconds and Jesus said to Him "you big dummy (ala Fred Sanford).  Where'd all your faith go?  I'm right here!"  Technically, it's a lot more scriptural than that, I was just paraphrasing.  lol  The point is Peter didn't loose sight of Jesus as he was walking toward Him.  No.  The winds began to blow and that scared Peter and his faith wavered and then he started to sink.  He then asked Jesus to save him, and of course, Jesus did.  In fact, He stretched out his hand and pulled him up.  This is what I've been pondering on today.  Especially, as I was laying in bed ready to go to sleep.  We are all Peter (he's the bestest big brother E V E R, just ask me and my Julie!).  We're all in our own boats.  We all want to walk to Jesus (water or not) but when the wind blows and our boat starts to rock, we get scared.  We get anxious.  Trust me, I have some very close friends who, like me, are anxious.  I think we should start a support group at St. Jude's lol.  (side note:  one of my fav parts of the mass is after the Our Father when Fr. Tim (or Tuan) says "and protect us from all anxiety".  I'm pretty sure God put that in there for us.)  But, I digress.  If we remembered that Jesus goes before us always, that He's always there (truly He is), would we be so anxious all the time?  I'm hoping not.  See, even if the boat is rocking and the wind is blowing, Jesus has our hands.  You could even say we're 'in the hands of the Father' (shout out to all my chrp five sistas!!!).  We just have to hold on tight!

Today was a special day.  My package arrived from my mom and it had stuff in it all from my Mema.  Three boxes of our favorite tea, Salada tea.  What can I say, I'm a tea snob.  I was raised on it, and you can't get it here in Texas.  It's way better than that Lipton or Tetley crap, lol.  It held my Mema's blue robe.  It's blue terrycloth and so old, that I have toilet paper thicker than the robe! lol  Parts of it are sewn together.  I immediately put it on.  Then, there was my Grandpa's windbreaker.  I put that on top of the robe.  Mema's favorite earrings and other various jewelry items were in there.  And finally, pictures.  I think, my favorite one was of my Grandpa years before I was even thought of, that one, and the one of my mom, Mema, and aunt and uncle from July 4 this year.  The hard thing was she was so happy in the picture and seven days later, she was gone.  And, as I sat in her robe, all I could think was "three weeks ago, you were wearing this"  That was sad.  But, it's all going to be okay.

Prayer requests!  Please pray for safe travel for all those going to see Fr. Corapi this weekend in San Antonio!  Please continue to pray for Kathy Metevier (my friend and my Julie's mom) for healing.  For my Julie for continued healing, and for a friends Grandmother who is nearing the end of her journey for a peaceful and happy death.  And, finally, for all the intentions in my heart that I cannot list here.

Until next time,
Rock on with your bad self!
Seriously, it's from the song (don't rock the boat) it's at the end, I promise! lol

Love,
Me

Architecture

God has been good to me.  Actually, He's always good to me.  I just don't always pay attention.  I've been keeping myself uber busy and in the not so busy times I've been doing a LOT of thinking, introspective type stuff mostly.  So, if you can follow me, I know it's not always easy, but here's where my train (of thought) has taken me as of late.

Joseph was a carpenter.  Jesus probably learned a few things along the way from his dad, Joseph. So, God is the grand architect of us all, are you still with me?  Okay, then, look at it like we're all buildings.  Just humor me and go with it, please.  In the grand building scheme of things, I make an awesome lean to.  However, I am not so good at leaning.  I mean, look at the leaning tower of Pisa.  It leans and it's strong.  It is an awesome leaner.  It has structures there supporting it, and it leans on them.  It's way cool.  I am not a good leaner, well except for George.

I cannot express how much I have leaned on all of you since Sunday when my Mema passed.  Alyssa, you have know idea how I hear your voice everyday in my head saying 'just keep swimming, just keep swimming'.  I have clung to that.  Julie and Tina, I love the calls to check in on me.  And, my dear, dear podmate, you will never know the love I felt when you said "I'll have my cell phone with me" and for reminding that you, Peter, Bob and our girl have my back.  I seem to forget that every now and then.  Carol, just being there, silently waiting.  And then, just letting me say nothing when we're together, or just letting me spoil your kids.  Amy, my Amy, your email was so beautiful.  My beloved bunco group, your support is just so wonderful.  Carolina, spending time with me and the kids to give me a break when I didn't realize I needed one, was awesome.  My Greta, oh my Greta, there are no word, none, that can convey the depths of my gratitude for you staying up with me the night she passed.  And, as we got off the line and said the rosary, I knew we were saying it together and it brought me such comfort.  Mike, your email was perfection as always.  That psalm use to really scare me b/c I thought it was all about death and it's not (psalm 23).  So many times I have walked through the valley of the shadow of death.  That is such a comforting psalm and I thank you for sharing it.  Cat, your texts from Maine made me feel so special.  You're on vacation with your family and you're worried about me.  My Teresa, I love you.  You are such a pillar of strength to me.  My Sharon.  Oh how you are such a part of my heart.  You're texts and emails have I clung too!  They gave me comfort and brought me strength I didn't know I possessed.  I thank all of you for not being upset if I haven't emailed you back, or if I did it took a while.  And, finally, to my George.  My rock, my strength.  These days with me have not been easy.  Thank you for holding me tight and never letting go.  There is nothing I have done to deserve you, you are truly my gift from God and I am not worthy but oh so blessed to have you.


As the days go on, I will share more of what has be transpiring in the days since Mema passed.  I promise you a soap opera does not have this much drama! lol


For now, though, please know that I have felt each and everyone of your prayers and your love as you have been lifting me up.  Being a bad leaner, it is hard for me to accept, I am the support, I'm the one who helps, not leans.  And, I thank all of you, each and every one for being there (Patti, I didn't mean to leave you out!  Thank you (and Julie) for your hug in Mass and for crying with me and your texts!).  You all are awesome supports and I love each and every one of you.


Until next time,
give yourself big hugs from me!


Love,
Me

P.S.S  The pic with the pirate, my Mema was the pirate (this past Halloween she won first place) and the woman with her is my mom.

It is finished.

For the repose of the soul of Marie Masula, 92.  My Mema.  She passed away this morning at 12:45am






Until next time,
I selfishly ask for prayers of healing for my family.

Love,
Me