Dreams, Death and Pods

I have an over active imagination. For those of you who know me well, this should not come as a surprise. I am learning however, that my oai as I like to call it, really has no limits.

For example, sometimes, when I sleep, I dream. The dreams tend to get really specific most times. Like I'm in a house it's my favorite house, but one that only exists in the dream world. I know every inch of that house. I could give you a guided tour if I had pics, but sadly, in the real world, it is hard to explain. It's the same with shopping centers and malls. The same ones that I've gone to over and over, but don't exist in the real world. Usually, my dreams never bother me, then sometimes, I have really bad ones. Last nights one was so bad that in my dream I was crying (I'll explain in a few minutes) and screaming and when I woke up, my face was wet and I was still crying. In fact, it took me a good 15-20 minutes to quit crying. Here's why...I dreamed of Mema. Not just Mema, but my grandpa and my mom. My Mema thought that Grandpa had just died, not thirteen years ago, but now. And,to weird me out even more, turns out she was holding her sisters hand whose been gone for years now, and her sister, my aunt, looked directly at me. Then, as if to vanish, Mema was dead and then my mom was dead. Alas, I woke up crying.

Today has been a difficult day. Heck, it's been a difficult week. Car troubles mostly. And, I have been looking for silver linings and finding them everywhere. Then, the other night, I went into my tent for a while. I just needed to be there. I didn't really want to talk to anyone or be with anyone. Then, after a while, I let my podmate, Alyssa in. Today has been rough. Mass tonight, while fun, was rough. I just feel such a sense of loss. Mema is gone. Yes, I am aware, that it's been four and a half months sine she's gone. I have moments. Little moments of clarity where I know she's happy. I know she's in heaven. I know she was here, and that I'm going to be okay. Then, day's like today hit. And, my loss seems so profound.

Aside from the kids, the greatest gift God has given me, is George. But, after George, the greatest gift God has given me is my Pod and the podmates. We were all represented at Mass tonight and got to have a group hug. See, the pod (my Julie, My Alyssa, Bob, St. Theresé, and St. Peter) we were brought together by God. Sure, we have other friends. Good, close, friends. Ones we hang out with and love dearly and the Pod doesn't replace that. The Pod though, its home. It's a support group full of love and faith and laughter and tears. And, it's hard to explain something so beautiful. All I can say is it's a work of God and if you have paid attention to the cool things he does (full moons, awesome stars, rainbows to name a few) You can imagine how cool the Pod is. We are like a tripod. When one leg is not functioning well, the other two support it. And, this week, I have been the not functioning well leg. Mema's gone. And, in dwelling over her loss, I have been reminiscing about Mom and how much I miss her since she died (2 years this December). And, my Podmates have been nothing short of amazing.

God. He's been calling lately. We keep playing phone tag. He calls and I really, really don't feel like talking and He doesn't leave a message. Then, when I call back, I have a bad connection because I don't hear Him. Sigh. One day, hopefully soon, when He calls, I'll be ready to pick up the phone.

On a lighter and much happier note, Dad comes down on Monday!!!! WOOHOO!!! I cannot wait!!! I love his visits! He is just so awesome! We talk to him at least once a week. Me maybe, once every week and a half to two weeks. Things just get so busy and so hectic. So, I am really looking forward to his visit.

Until next time,
Safe travels for all those wandering for Thanksgiving.

Love,
Me

Contentment

So, George was gone for the weekend and Jaime was too. George was at St. Anthony's helping with the retreat and Jaime was camping. I was left with my girls. We had such an awesome time together! Just spending time being girls and running errands on Saturday. We even happened upon a little place to make our own jewelry, so we did! We had a blast. Then, as it was time for bed (I let them stay up waaaa y late lol) we all climbed into my big bed and I got to sleep with my girls. Something we haven't done for years. But, this time, I was wiser....I didn't sleep in the middle! A HA!!!!! I'm sure you guys remember or if you don't I'll tell you. If you sleep in the middle you're gonna get no sleep and rolled on and kicked on and smacked lol.

Saturday evening, I went to the Mass at St. Anthony's where the fullness of the POD was represented!!! Nothing, and I mean nothing can compare to sharing a Mass with people I love, whether it's George and the kids, Carol and her family, or my POD. It's the greatest experience in love. And, I wish for all of you to experience it and one time or another. My POD ROCKS. I'm sure they're other PODs out there, but none as cool as mine. My Alyssa. I could go on for days about how awesome she is. But I'm also biased (so is George and her husband Thad!). And, My Julie, ugh do I love her somethin fierce! I could go on for YEARS about how amazing she is! Then add in the Holy Spirit, St. Therese and my bro Peter! Psh, ain't no better pod baby!



Then yesterday I couldn't wait for Jaime and George to get home. And, they did and I was happy. As the day drew to a close, and it was time for bed, I went upstairs and checked on the kids. First the girls room. And, for once, it didn't bother me that I couldn't really see into their room. Fan on, light off. I'm not stupid enough to walk into that death trap. You don't know what you're going to step on. I listened for the sounds of my three girls breathing. Maria, Sarah, and Lizzie the wonder dog who sleeps with Sarah. At that point, it didn't bother me that I couldn't walk in their room. I remember what it's like being a teenage girl with a messy room. No one ever goes in there but them, and in the grand scheme of things as long as it doesn't bother them, and they have clean clothes, and it doesn't smell like a foot locker, I'm okay with it. Just keep the door closed. lol

Next, I went to check on Jaime. Same thing, you can't see b/c his fan is on and his light is off. His room is less of a landmine and more of an obstacle course. Again, I didn't go in, but I listened for his breathing amongst the talk of his radio (left over from the amazing cowboys game. GO STEELERS!) I don't walk into his room because while he has clear paths, in the dark you're still gonna bump into his bass, his school stuff, and all around general boy stuff lol. As I'm walking back to my room (yea, I share it with George, but it's my room lol)I felt so content. It was such a gift from God. My whole body, while slightly tired, was at peace. I don't get that very often and I reveled in it!

Then this morning, the weirdest thing happened. Jaime was in the shower and the girls were up, all by themselves. YES, even Maria who is so hard to wake up! There was no rushing around, I can't find my fill in the blank. It was beautiful. Such a great way to start the day!

Now, I would like to carry this contentment with me the rest of the day, but I know it won't happen. Life is outside those doors. But, I can try! I know no matter what I do, Bob's got my back :D And with backup like that, why worry?


Until next time,
Have an amazing day and say prayers for all those going through RCIA :D

Love,
Me

Chickens

You would think that Halloween is still going strong, or that I forgot to put my bitc witch costume away. I don't know what it is lately (probably pms)but the last two days, I feel like I could bit the heads off of chickens. Live ones. Feathers, beaks and all.

Where to begin? I'd say the beginning, but I don't have much time before work this morning, so I'll start in the middle. Work. Ugh! Such a drudge these days. A couple of the workers I really (REALLY) like. So, they make it fun. We make it fun. Or we use to. Now, we're so busy with our old mgr gone and her supervisor in her role for the last 4 weeks and the foreseeable future we don't have time to pee let alone really enjoy what we do. And trust me, I'm a lunch lady. We get paid to be a mom (cook, clean, serve, do dishes, laundry (those towels ain't gonna wash themselves), sweep, mop, do paperwork, feed the kids, and handle the kids money). You have to really find the joy some days. And, some days, the joy just eludes you. Especially, when you work with people who are of the 'it's not on my list' or 'that person just walks in circles and I get stuck doing all the work' mentality. I would love to tell you that I've never done that, but to be honest, occasionally, I fall into the latter category...not often mind you, but sometimes. It's been so bad lately, that I said to said supervisor on Monday "y'know, I don't mind working with special ed people (referencing a particular worker) I just need to know if they're special ed". Turns out the particular worker isn't. But maybe I should treat them like they are, I would definitely be more compassionate. Which I don't understand. Why can't I be more compassionate without them being special ed. Oh yea, I'm HUMAN!

Then, yesterday, I had the day off to take Maria to get her top braces on (her bottoms with be done in Jan). I had planned to go to adoration. Well, planned isn't necessarily the right word. Hoped is more like it. And, have lunch with George, and, get the tires checked, and vote. I did vote, I did get Maria's braces on, but I started out trying to help my mom with something which didn't happen (epic fail) then I was running late, and the day got away from me. I was so irked I could spit nails. I five penny kind! That's how they measure nails, by how many penny's thick the top is. Thanks, Grandpa!

Oh, and on Monday, I tweaked something in my thumb and its a little wonky the past couple days. Joy.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about my crosses. I'm actually happy to have them. However, I am just warning you if you see me and I seem a bit out of sorts, truly, it's not you, it's me. lol

And, as a little gift to my pod this morning, listen to the song :D It's for you guys :D

So you think you can dance - Fix you - Robert & Allison from Laura U on Vimeo.

Until next time,
Hide your chickens :D

Love,
Me

How you doin?

I'm not the best sleeper in the world. Sometimes I do get to sleep through the night. But mostly, I toss around, too hot or too cold. The bed is old. And, when I do fall asleep, lately I have weird dreams. And, even weirder is a recurring dream I have from someone in my not so distant past. Someone I love. While the circumstances are always different, the thing that stays the same is that the person is here, with me. I see them and walk up to them, we are shocked to see each other, then we hug and then let go. I tell our mutual friends that said friend is back and they really don't believe me. I tell them how I've dreamed the same dream for a while that this person was back and here they are! They really don't have anything to say. Then, they see our friend and they are happy too.

I know why my friend left. It was what they had to do, but I miss my friend terribly and nothing has been the same since they left. The pain in my heart has lessened, now it's just a dull ache, and it's been over a year since they left.


Life is okay now. Depending upon what your version of okay is. George is still contracting, work is still blah since the personnel change, I'm tired lately, I miss Mema, and I miss George's Mom. Sometimes, and no one knows this, save George, but sometimes, I'll look at the picture of Mom and me (his Mom) and I'll ask him "she was really here, right? She really loved me? We had a relationship, I just didn't imagine it all, right?" And, he will say indeed, she was here. Now, I find myself looking at my pictures of Mema which are everywhere, even in my bathroom, and I wonder if she was really here or did I imagine it all.

My sister, Tina, God love her. One day not too long ago, she said something most profound. She said 'wow, your childhood really messed you up" I'm paraphrasing here, but the conversation was on my lack of friends and how now I am uber grateful for each and everyone of you. She meant it in the most beautiful way. So, after Mom and now Mema died. Part of me is afraid that my life here in Texas just didn't happen. That I'm gonna wake up one day, back in Pittsburgh, back in that house, back in that situation. No George, No George's parents. No Carol, No Julie, No Alyssa, No Tina, No Sharon, No you guys. I'll wake up and realize that I dreamed the most beautiful dream and sadly, it was a dream. Just like the dreams I have been having about my friend who left. Then, other times, I look at pictures of George's mom and I, or Mema and I'll say to myself "it was real" "she was here". Sometimes just once, sometimes three times (the ocd in me), but I tell myself it anyway.

In three days it will be the first anniversary of the death of my beloved friend Vicki. Maybe that's what has me so melancholy. I miss her. Mind you we didn't talk or email everyday. We were moment friends. Every time we met, which was sporadic, we would have moments. And, she knew me and knew how much I loved her and I knew her. Her wonderful, amazing spirit, and that she loved me. Watching her and her husband, My Russ, it was the most beautiful example of marriage.

My hearts a little heavy tonight, or should I say this morning? I'm missing Mema lately more than it almost seems I can take. I miss my mom (even though she's coming up to visit this December!!!!) It's been over a year since I've seen her. And, I miss Dad (George's). He's coming down for Thanksgiving!!!! I'm missing my sister and her family and really wish they could come visit, but with both of them in retail, that's really not an option. And, I miss God. I know He's around. I know He's working on something just for me, but He's been awfully quiet. But then again so have I.

It's well past the bewitching hour and work seems to come earlier each day, so with that I'll say sweet dreams.

Until next time,
Sorry, Carol, but I'm running again. Didn't mean to, it just happened.

Love,
Me

The Past

The past really isn't the past.  You can put your past in your past but it's not always going to stay there.

Recently, through the miracle that is facebook, someone contact me from my past.  From the not so happy part of my past.  So, I ignored their request.  A couple days later I got another request from the same person.  This time they sent a not so nice message along including colorful language and then said to accept their friend request.   Yea, I deleted that one too.  THEN, this same person friend requested one of my kids.  Being the horrible parent that I am, George and I monitor the kids emails and facebook accounts.  We don't even let them have internet on their phones.  Why do they need it when there's a perfectly good computer in the house!  I saw the friend request and ignored it.  I explained to my two facebook kids (you don't get a facebook account in our house until your 14) that someone from my past who is not very nice might friend request them.  I showed them what they looked like and told them not to accept the request.  I also reiterated the house rules on accepting friend requests.

Then, tonight my dear friend from back home and I got to chatting online.  She knew the person from my past who popped up.  We talked for about an hour.  It was beautiful.  I can tell in my witness of things that happened in my past.  I can joke and make light of things that happened in my past.  I can be 12 years removed of things that happened in my past and almost forget.  And, people try to understand.  Friends try to empathize.  And, it's lovely.  But, there's something to be said for talking to someone who was *there*.  Who saw things, heard things, knew things.  There's a bond that is formed.  When lambs are lead to the slaughter, they form a bond.  My friend and I share just such a bond.  We talked of the past, of those who were there.  Those who weren't kind.  We talked how we wake up every day and thank God that we are not in that situation anymore.

When the person popped up and asked me to accept their request, it brought back some not good memories.  Then, tonight, talking to my dear friend, it brought back more, not good memories, but a few good ones, like when I was in labor with Sarah.

It's funny, lately, I've been walking in the valley of the shadow of doubt.  I've been doubting lots of stuff lately.  My faith, but not my faith.  Not my 'I believe in God faith' but my 'Bible study, and I only talking to God when I need stuff thing'.  The 'I feel all alone' spiritually thing.  I couldn't tell you the last time God talked to me, or when I actually talked, and not complained to God.  That might be part of the problem.  I have a few books I really want to read, but have not made the time.  There's always something, kids, bible studies, friends, family, life.  You name it.  So, I'm kinda not surprised that the devil would chose to attack me with all this crap.  But the thing the devil fails to realize every time, is that God is the one who rescued me from my past.  He is the one who rescues me, every time.  So, it doesn't matter how he chooses to attack me, or how spiritually lonely or dry I feel.  God is gonna send a row boat, a helicopter, anything He can to get to me.  He'll never stop coming for me, rescuing me.  And, I know I'm going to always need Him to rescue me.

And, for those who are feeling alone, I leave you with one of my very favorites...





Until next time,
What do you need rescued from?

Love,
Me

Matteis, Rodin and Me

So, yesterday, George and I are at the Dallas Museum of Art.  We had such a beautiful time walking around, holding hands, looking at priceless works of art.  Sometimes we'd talk about a piece or show each other something that caught the others eye but we were also content to just look and be still, not saying anything.  Now, I'm not a art conesur.  For all I know Monet could have used crayolas.  But I came across one piece in particular that held me.  It was so beautiful I sat in front of it for a little while and it literally brought tears to my eyes.  I was so filled with emotion by this painting.  I wanted to purchase it at the gift shop, but unfortunately, they didn't have it for sale as a poster.  I mentioned to the sales lady that the DMA was right down the street from the Cathedral and if she stocked some Catholic posters, they would sell pretty well (They have a portrait of St. Catherine of Seinna and a picture with St. Jerome in along with a few of Mary).  The picture that struck me is called Adoration of the Sheppards. 

The first thing that struck me was how young Mary is.  Yes, I know she was 14, but when you see pictures or statues she looks like she's in her 20s.  Look at how young she truly is!  Then, look at Jesus.  He's just looking straight ahead.  And, then there's St. Gabriel kneeling down at the head of Jesus.  And the sheppards!  I'm use to seeing them all covered up and carrying staffs.  They're in short clothes here. And look at the boy on the right.  Look how he's looking away from Jesus at the man by him.  Look at the wonderment in his face!  And then look in the back, you can see the oxen.  Now look up.  See the angels?  See the one with the sign that says "Gloria"?  and then there's two angels almost hidden.  And look at Joseph!  How handsome!  How happy!  How full of wonder!!!!  I could sit and look at this picture for a while and find more stuff to marvel at, I'm sure!  I just had to share this with you.

The other piece that struck me was a sculpture.  It was from the Wendy and Emory Reeves Collection.  It was called I am Beautiful.  I was a husband holding his wife who was curled up in a ball around his shoulders.  It struck me because he was holding her with such great love.  They were almost entwined.

An excerpt from the DMA site says "The female figure, in a crouching, almost fetal position, is embraced by a standing man who seemingly reaches to the heavens to rescue her."  For more information on the sculpture..

http://dallasmuseumofart.org:8080/emuseum/view/objects/asitem/3370/71/title-desc?t:state:flow=57e07e54-539d-4d73-a775-505e2fcb481c

I would LOVE to have my own copy of one!  Do they even sell copies?

 I know it will sound weird, but to be with my husband, on our anniversary, looking at such an intimate sculpture made me feel so blessed, so connected and so loved.

It was such a beautiful day all around yesterday.  The weather could not have been more perfect, and the company, my beloved husband, was awesome.  I hope to have more days like yesterday!

Until next time,
Take a trip to the museum with your beloved.  See what inspires you!

Love,
Me

Ten

George has had to deal with a lot.  More than most, less than some.  He moved his job, left his family and all his friends to move to South Carolina to be with me and the kids, and we began our life together.    Six months after the wedding, he lost his job (for the first of three times).  He moved to Kansas six weeks before the kids and I could come for a job.  During our nine months in Kansas our marriage really grew strong.  Neither of us had any family or friends there, only each other.  We learned to rely truly on each other.  Then, we moved to Texas.  You know it has to be love for a girl from the 'burg to end up in Texas!  But, love him I do.

Here in Texas, not only has our marriage grown stronger, but so has our faith, in God, ourselves, and each other.  We've made friends, lasting friendships, friends that are not friends now, they're family (Carol, Julie, Tina, Alyssa, Patti).  Like most of the country, we've faced financial hardships (before it was fashionable, what can I say, we're trendsetters!), we've faced death and loss.  But we've also celebrated and have had great joy.

Today, today was a gift from God.  George was able to get the day off with pay.  His first in 18 months.  He and I spent the evening at a local hotel and then spent the day together.  Just us, no kids.  We went to the Dallas Museum of Art.  We had an amazing dinner at Rafains (I still prefer Fogo de Chao, but Rafrains is a affordable alternative) and just enjoyed each others company all day.  We talked, actually talked, not about bills and schedules, but about us.  About our lives together.  On our wedding day, before the ceremony, I gave George and out.  I told him he could change his mind, I'd be heartbroken, but if he wanted out that was his chance.  I told him that I'm not the easiest person to live with.  He just laughed and said nope.

Ten years later, he's had to deal with my many job changes, my therapy, my on medication off medication on medication, my anxiety and panic.  My control obsession.  My lack of tact.  My dreamer mentality, my weight gain (I was a size 5 when we started dating), my pms (it's not pretty folks).  My anger, my health, my empathy and my family.

Ten years later, and I still get the better end of the deal.  I get a husband who not only loves me, but does dishes and laundry.  Who actually helps parent the kids, who handles the finances.  Who prays.  I have a husband who actually hung the moon.  Who gave me his amazing parents.  Who gives me security, who gives me strength, who gives me the confidence to be who I am and not apologize for it.  Who helps me grow and become whomever I want (no matter the hair color!) and trust me when I tell you, that's a lot to deal with!


It's only been ten years, it has flown by so fast!  I love everyday, everyday with my husband.  George, you have given me so much love and happiness and no matter what I do, I can never, ever, thank God enough for blessing me with you.

Happy Anniversary, Gus.
Love,
Angel