Mom left today.  It was such a great visit with her.  The mood is really somber around here though.  On the way home, I commented to George how it just doesn't feel like Christmas this season.  Yea, the tree is up and the Christmas music is playing, but I don't *feel* Christmas yet.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed all the parties and the cookie exchanges.  Advent however, went by way to fast for me.  I'm missing my Mom, Carol.  Saturday was the third anniversary of her passing.  And, if that wasn't enough, this is the first Christmas without Mema.  Mema is synonymous with Christmas.  There isn't a Christmas of my life where Mema wasn't there if nothing but by phone.

Growing up, Christmas day was for presents.  Christmas eve however, that was family day.  For most of my childhood, before the teen years, it was a day of abstinence.  My Grandma would make this bean dish that would be poured over little homemade bread balls.  It was really, really yucky.  It's a Croatian dish.  As we got older, my sister and I were allowed to eat a cheese pizza.  Then, in our teen years, they added ham to the menu.  I can't tell you how many years I sat at the kiddie table among my cousins or the euphoria I felt when I got to sit at the adult table!  One year, four of Mema's six kids, plus all their children were there.  It was my favorite Christmas to date.  Although it was cold, Pittsburgh cold, it was HOT in the house b/c of all the people!  And, even though the family didn't always get along throughout the year, this one day, Christmas eve, all you found was love.

As I got married and got older and moved away, Christmas eve was always about my Grandma.  Yes, I wasn't there, but I would call Mema and get to hear everything in the background, the happiness.  Then, the phone would be passed around to family.  And, even if the phone didn't get passed around, being able to talk to Mema on Christmas eve was all about being home.  The last maybe 12 years, Mema stopped doing the Christmas eve dinner thing.  Her daughter-in-law, my Aunt took it over.  It was okay, but never the same as when Mema had it.  And, in the last couple years, Mema and my mom did their own thing on Christmas eve.  Still, I would call Mema and literally hear Christmas.  This year, I can't do that.  This year, a big part of my Christmas is not here.  Granted, I'm not some idiot who doesn't get why we have Christmas.  I know it's about Jesus, and He makes me happy.  But, not having Mema makes life more difficult.

So, here I sit, quiet.  Tired.  Somber.  Another year without my Mom Carol.  My Mom, Max left, Dad isn't here...(although he is coming down the end of April for Sarah's conformation) and it's the first Christmas without Mema.  My heart hurts.  My anxiety level has been through the roof the last few days.  I think I've forgotten how to breathe.

Merry Christmas everyone.
Until next time,
Enjoy your Christmas season

Love,
Me

Mary, Fr. Tim, and the Mass.

Sigh.  I love Mass.

I love going to Mass.  I love singing at Mass.  I love participating.  I love it all.  Especially, when during the homily, I am tuned in.  Sadly, this doesn't happen as often as I would like, but God and Fr. Tim have a way of bringing me back.  I have so many favorite parts of the Mass.  Like tons!  One of my very favs is right before the Gospel when I make the sign of the cross on my forehead, my lips, and my heart.  And, every time, I say to myself "may Your words be on my mind, my lips and my heart!"  And, every time, I think to myself "this is SO cool!  If only I could continue this outside of Mass!  How cool would it be to have God's words on my mind, on my lips, and my heart always?  Truth be told, it's always on my heart, more often than not on my mind, and sadly, rarely on my lips.  Why?  I dunno.  Today at Mass, I was all kinds of excited a) b/c it was a Mary feast day!!!! WOOHOO and 2) b/c during the homily, I was *present*.  I found myself nodding my head along with Fr. Tim.  He talked about St.  Bernadette and one of my favorite movies The Song of Bernadette  (I love when the Priest tells Bernadette "you have suffered enough, my child,  for the heaven of heavens")  He talked about Mary and her Immaculate Conception.  I just love listening to Fr. Tim talk about Mary!!! Sigh, it was SO wonderful!!!

Another favorite part of Mass for me is the sign of peace.  Did you ever watch Fr. Tim?  When he says "Peace of the Lord be with you all" he looks around the entire church.  To those on his right, then middle, then left (sometimes he alternates sides).  It is so beautiful to watch.  Oh, a really great Fr. Tim moment is on a Friday healing Mass when he is blessing those who come up for healing.  It doesn't matter what kind of healing they're going up for, the compassion in his eyes is so beautiful!!!  Oh and when you get the Eucharist from him, he looks you directly in the eyes!  It makes the Eucharist so much more personal.

Then, I love at the end of Mass when he says "Go in peace to love and serve the Lord".  I love it b/c he's telling me to do something.  to love and serve the Lord.  Loving Him, that's easy.  Serving Him, well....I can always do better.  But today was one of the extra special endings of Mass when he says "Bow your head and pray for God's blessing"   I love that b/c it means I'm getting an extra special blessing.  Say it, it's okay, I'm a blessings hog.  I know it.  I embrace it.  I'll take as many blessings as God wants to give me ("gimme gimme gimme!!!" lol)

As most of you know, my Mass is shared with my family and my half of my Pod.  I've grown accustomed, spoiled actually to having my Podmate with me at Mass on Sundays.  I love this one part, when we hold hands as we say the Our Father, and I can hold my Podmate close to my heart.  I knew my Podmate wasn't going to be there tonight, and that was okay.  However, during the Our Father, I found myself missing my Podmate.  Then, as I went up to receive the Eucharist, I spotted Podmates husband (Mr. Pod) and my whole insides just filled up with love "Look, it's Mr. Pod!"  I say to myself!  It's like she's here!  And, it made my night.  Well, Mary and Fr. Tim and Mass made my night, seeing Mr. Pod just topped it off lol.  Mr. Pod and Podmate are so totally awesome for each other.  God couldn't have done any better with those two, they are so perfect for each other and I love them dearly :D

And, as I get into the minivan, riding my church high as I like to call it....the kids get in the car.  My high doesn't last long as I am bombarded with "why do you hold my hand so tight during the Our Father?!!?!? Why weren't you paying attention at Mass?  You stepped on my foot!  Exactly where is this peace that was suppose to be with me that God, Fr. Tim, and lots of people at Mass gave me tonight?  Technically, they didn't put a time limit on it like "Peace be with you till you go to bed tonight".  Or "Peace be with you till Sunday".  Sigh, but it's okay.  I have three teenagers.  Peace is a state of mind.

So, today on this feast day of my beloved Mother Mary, I wish you all a day full of happiness and love and of saying "YES!!" to God in anything that He asks of you.  Don't worry, take my hand, we'll say YES together!

Until next time,
May Mother Mary wrap you in her loving mantle, close to her heart.  I love you all.

Love,
Me

Advent, Monkeys, and Christmas Specials.

Advent blows.
Advent with three children blows.
Advent with three ungrateful teenagers blows.

Every year, this season goes by way too fast.  I can't wait for daylight savings time because that means it's going to get darker faster which in turn means that the Advent season will be here.  Each year I say, as a family, we are going to do something for Advent.  Each year, I fail miserably.  This year, I tell myself it will be different!  This year, we will eat dinner at the table for the full Advent season and do the nightly readings.  (Sometimes, with different schedules, we don't *exactly* sit together as a family.  More like, watching tv or on the computer.

So, Sunday, the first day of Advent, we eat in the dining room (oooh!) and I start to tell the kids how we are going to spend Advent this year.  Then, I look at my three teenagers who have been behaving like monkey's who escaped from some testing facility while hopped up on caffeine, red bulls, and 12 5-hour energy drinks.  Who have been pmsing for what feels like forever.  Who have been screaming at the top of their lungs at each other, whose rooms smell like foot lockers after another cowgirl loss.   I look at the three deranged monkeys and I explain how they need to be *nicer* to each other.  At least to try.  I  mean, it is the season of miracles, right?  It could happen! I explain how each of them need to work on something and as I'm explaining, all three monkeys start making weird monkey faces at each other and then bust out laughing their high pitched monkey scream laughs.  I felt so discouraged.  Sigh, but we finished dinner together, and went about our evening.  

I have spent the last two days trying to corral the monkeys.  "Please, don't say that to your sister!"  "Please keep your hands to yourself!"  "Please find where the odor is coming from your room!"  "Please stop me from sticking this pen in my own eye!"  All to no avail.  The monkeys are on the loose running rampant.  As if that wasn't enough, I spent exactly 7 minutes in adoration yesterday.  I just couldn't seem to sit still to talk to Him.  Everything I wanted to say kept getting interrupted.  So finally, I'm all "Dad, you know my heart and what's in it and what I need and what's bothering me.  Here!  Take it.  And, btw-I love you!" And with that, I left.

I have not been sleeping well the last three nights.  I just lay there in bed and say prayers to God.  It helps.  Then, when I do fall asleep, they are not pleasant dreams.  One was of a boat on that sat on my chest.  Not a toy boat, but a big sail boat type boat.  The next night was over my stupid brother.  How much I miss him and how I was looking for him.  I'll tell you this, when you cry in your dream, like big racking sobs, you wake up exhausted!  Then, last night, I was going 'in my tent' and wanted to be left alone.  I took a bus to downtown Philly (wtf?) and ended up at some sort of revival where they give you tee shirts with awesome Christian songs on the back.  When you get there, you have a little tag (admittance slip maybe?) and when your ready to come out of your tent, you give one of the people in the red shirts the tag.  I didn't.  I just held on to mine.  Although, I loved the shirts.  And, some of my favorite Christian music was playing.  Then, at the end, the last song I remembered was Just the way you are-by Bruno Mars.  One of my very favorites.  And, it seemed like God, was singing it to me (minus the part about kissing...ewww).

So, I woke up exhausted yet again.  And, I've even been going to bed early.  Apparently, when you've got a lesson to learn it doesn't matter if it's Advent or Lent.  Dude, I thought I was done with school!  I have a diploma around here somewhere!  Sigh.

 So, it seems like I am living my very own Christmas special with a lesson to learn.  I fully expect that at the end of Advent, when my lesson is learned, the heavens will open up, legions of angels will get their wings, music of praise to God will be sung, and shots of tequila passed around heaven because I finally got the lesson.

Until next time,
Happy Advent.  Pray for those alone this Advent season.

Love,
Me

As if I haven't been yelling from the rooftops enough...DAD IS HERE!!!! lol  I love having Dad here.  He has fun with the kids and then time with George and I and time with everyone.  There is such a level of comfort where we don't have to fill the silence.  We can just be.  I love his smile and hearing him laugh.

Today, however, took a turn for the weird.  A friend of mine, a wonderful woman passed away yesterday, Rose.  You might know her.  I didn't know her very well.  But, she was in my book study and she was an amazing, lively woman.  Today, was her viewing.  My podmate, Julie, and I went together.  Which in and of itself is a great thing.  Whenever any combination of the pod get together, it's awesome.  But, I digress.  Jules and I were walking into the funeral home and as the gentleman directed us down the hall to where the viewing was.  I told Jules that this was the first time since Mom's funeral that I was in a funeral home.  I felt like I was walking into a wall.  The air was thick and it was difficult, but I went.  We said a rosary for our friend and then went up to pay our respects.  Funny thing is...while I was there for Rose, I was back at Mom's funeral.  I was standing in front of her coffin begging her to wake up.   Walking up to Roses' coffin, she looked so beautiful and I was so glad that I went.  But the rest of the day...the rest of the day was different.  It's not like I don't think of Mom just about everyday.  But today, today with Roses' funeral and the flashback and everything I have been missing Mom something terrible.  And, I'm irritated, torqued off really, that she left me.  Maybe, it's that in 25 days, it will be two years since Mom left me.  I don't know.  Plus, with the loss of Mema so fresh, my heart can only take so much.  So, tonight I'm not just blue, I'm heartbroken.  And, I know that come the morning, I will be okay again....until the next time.

Until next time,
Have a happy Thanksgiving everyone!
Love,
Me

Dreams, Death and Pods

I have an over active imagination. For those of you who know me well, this should not come as a surprise. I am learning however, that my oai as I like to call it, really has no limits.

For example, sometimes, when I sleep, I dream. The dreams tend to get really specific most times. Like I'm in a house it's my favorite house, but one that only exists in the dream world. I know every inch of that house. I could give you a guided tour if I had pics, but sadly, in the real world, it is hard to explain. It's the same with shopping centers and malls. The same ones that I've gone to over and over, but don't exist in the real world. Usually, my dreams never bother me, then sometimes, I have really bad ones. Last nights one was so bad that in my dream I was crying (I'll explain in a few minutes) and screaming and when I woke up, my face was wet and I was still crying. In fact, it took me a good 15-20 minutes to quit crying. Here's why...I dreamed of Mema. Not just Mema, but my grandpa and my mom. My Mema thought that Grandpa had just died, not thirteen years ago, but now. And,to weird me out even more, turns out she was holding her sisters hand whose been gone for years now, and her sister, my aunt, looked directly at me. Then, as if to vanish, Mema was dead and then my mom was dead. Alas, I woke up crying.

Today has been a difficult day. Heck, it's been a difficult week. Car troubles mostly. And, I have been looking for silver linings and finding them everywhere. Then, the other night, I went into my tent for a while. I just needed to be there. I didn't really want to talk to anyone or be with anyone. Then, after a while, I let my podmate, Alyssa in. Today has been rough. Mass tonight, while fun, was rough. I just feel such a sense of loss. Mema is gone. Yes, I am aware, that it's been four and a half months sine she's gone. I have moments. Little moments of clarity where I know she's happy. I know she's in heaven. I know she was here, and that I'm going to be okay. Then, day's like today hit. And, my loss seems so profound.

Aside from the kids, the greatest gift God has given me, is George. But, after George, the greatest gift God has given me is my Pod and the podmates. We were all represented at Mass tonight and got to have a group hug. See, the pod (my Julie, My Alyssa, Bob, St. Theresé, and St. Peter) we were brought together by God. Sure, we have other friends. Good, close, friends. Ones we hang out with and love dearly and the Pod doesn't replace that. The Pod though, its home. It's a support group full of love and faith and laughter and tears. And, it's hard to explain something so beautiful. All I can say is it's a work of God and if you have paid attention to the cool things he does (full moons, awesome stars, rainbows to name a few) You can imagine how cool the Pod is. We are like a tripod. When one leg is not functioning well, the other two support it. And, this week, I have been the not functioning well leg. Mema's gone. And, in dwelling over her loss, I have been reminiscing about Mom and how much I miss her since she died (2 years this December). And, my Podmates have been nothing short of amazing.

God. He's been calling lately. We keep playing phone tag. He calls and I really, really don't feel like talking and He doesn't leave a message. Then, when I call back, I have a bad connection because I don't hear Him. Sigh. One day, hopefully soon, when He calls, I'll be ready to pick up the phone.

On a lighter and much happier note, Dad comes down on Monday!!!! WOOHOO!!! I cannot wait!!! I love his visits! He is just so awesome! We talk to him at least once a week. Me maybe, once every week and a half to two weeks. Things just get so busy and so hectic. So, I am really looking forward to his visit.

Until next time,
Safe travels for all those wandering for Thanksgiving.

Love,
Me

Contentment

So, George was gone for the weekend and Jaime was too. George was at St. Anthony's helping with the retreat and Jaime was camping. I was left with my girls. We had such an awesome time together! Just spending time being girls and running errands on Saturday. We even happened upon a little place to make our own jewelry, so we did! We had a blast. Then, as it was time for bed (I let them stay up waaaa y late lol) we all climbed into my big bed and I got to sleep with my girls. Something we haven't done for years. But, this time, I was wiser....I didn't sleep in the middle! A HA!!!!! I'm sure you guys remember or if you don't I'll tell you. If you sleep in the middle you're gonna get no sleep and rolled on and kicked on and smacked lol.

Saturday evening, I went to the Mass at St. Anthony's where the fullness of the POD was represented!!! Nothing, and I mean nothing can compare to sharing a Mass with people I love, whether it's George and the kids, Carol and her family, or my POD. It's the greatest experience in love. And, I wish for all of you to experience it and one time or another. My POD ROCKS. I'm sure they're other PODs out there, but none as cool as mine. My Alyssa. I could go on for days about how awesome she is. But I'm also biased (so is George and her husband Thad!). And, My Julie, ugh do I love her somethin fierce! I could go on for YEARS about how amazing she is! Then add in the Holy Spirit, St. Therese and my bro Peter! Psh, ain't no better pod baby!



Then yesterday I couldn't wait for Jaime and George to get home. And, they did and I was happy. As the day drew to a close, and it was time for bed, I went upstairs and checked on the kids. First the girls room. And, for once, it didn't bother me that I couldn't really see into their room. Fan on, light off. I'm not stupid enough to walk into that death trap. You don't know what you're going to step on. I listened for the sounds of my three girls breathing. Maria, Sarah, and Lizzie the wonder dog who sleeps with Sarah. At that point, it didn't bother me that I couldn't walk in their room. I remember what it's like being a teenage girl with a messy room. No one ever goes in there but them, and in the grand scheme of things as long as it doesn't bother them, and they have clean clothes, and it doesn't smell like a foot locker, I'm okay with it. Just keep the door closed. lol

Next, I went to check on Jaime. Same thing, you can't see b/c his fan is on and his light is off. His room is less of a landmine and more of an obstacle course. Again, I didn't go in, but I listened for his breathing amongst the talk of his radio (left over from the amazing cowboys game. GO STEELERS!) I don't walk into his room because while he has clear paths, in the dark you're still gonna bump into his bass, his school stuff, and all around general boy stuff lol. As I'm walking back to my room (yea, I share it with George, but it's my room lol)I felt so content. It was such a gift from God. My whole body, while slightly tired, was at peace. I don't get that very often and I reveled in it!

Then this morning, the weirdest thing happened. Jaime was in the shower and the girls were up, all by themselves. YES, even Maria who is so hard to wake up! There was no rushing around, I can't find my fill in the blank. It was beautiful. Such a great way to start the day!

Now, I would like to carry this contentment with me the rest of the day, but I know it won't happen. Life is outside those doors. But, I can try! I know no matter what I do, Bob's got my back :D And with backup like that, why worry?


Until next time,
Have an amazing day and say prayers for all those going through RCIA :D

Love,
Me

Chickens

You would think that Halloween is still going strong, or that I forgot to put my bitc witch costume away. I don't know what it is lately (probably pms)but the last two days, I feel like I could bit the heads off of chickens. Live ones. Feathers, beaks and all.

Where to begin? I'd say the beginning, but I don't have much time before work this morning, so I'll start in the middle. Work. Ugh! Such a drudge these days. A couple of the workers I really (REALLY) like. So, they make it fun. We make it fun. Or we use to. Now, we're so busy with our old mgr gone and her supervisor in her role for the last 4 weeks and the foreseeable future we don't have time to pee let alone really enjoy what we do. And trust me, I'm a lunch lady. We get paid to be a mom (cook, clean, serve, do dishes, laundry (those towels ain't gonna wash themselves), sweep, mop, do paperwork, feed the kids, and handle the kids money). You have to really find the joy some days. And, some days, the joy just eludes you. Especially, when you work with people who are of the 'it's not on my list' or 'that person just walks in circles and I get stuck doing all the work' mentality. I would love to tell you that I've never done that, but to be honest, occasionally, I fall into the latter category...not often mind you, but sometimes. It's been so bad lately, that I said to said supervisor on Monday "y'know, I don't mind working with special ed people (referencing a particular worker) I just need to know if they're special ed". Turns out the particular worker isn't. But maybe I should treat them like they are, I would definitely be more compassionate. Which I don't understand. Why can't I be more compassionate without them being special ed. Oh yea, I'm HUMAN!

Then, yesterday, I had the day off to take Maria to get her top braces on (her bottoms with be done in Jan). I had planned to go to adoration. Well, planned isn't necessarily the right word. Hoped is more like it. And, have lunch with George, and, get the tires checked, and vote. I did vote, I did get Maria's braces on, but I started out trying to help my mom with something which didn't happen (epic fail) then I was running late, and the day got away from me. I was so irked I could spit nails. I five penny kind! That's how they measure nails, by how many penny's thick the top is. Thanks, Grandpa!

Oh, and on Monday, I tweaked something in my thumb and its a little wonky the past couple days. Joy.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about my crosses. I'm actually happy to have them. However, I am just warning you if you see me and I seem a bit out of sorts, truly, it's not you, it's me. lol

And, as a little gift to my pod this morning, listen to the song :D It's for you guys :D

So you think you can dance - Fix you - Robert & Allison from Laura U on Vimeo.

Until next time,
Hide your chickens :D

Love,
Me