Prayer is scary

Prayer is hard.  At least for me it is.  There are all kinds of prayers out there, all sorts of ways to pray.  And, yes, it's pretty easy for me to pray for so and so for whatever they need.  What's hard is the kind of prayer life I am after.  I want the meditative, spiritual connecting, deep rooting type prayer life.  Where I can spend an hour (or even thirty minutes) in the morning so deep in prayer connecting with God that the time flies by so fast I don't know what happened.  And, afterward I am refreshed, renewed, and ready to do His work.  That has yet to happen.  Yea, yea, Blessed Mother Teresa never felt the love of God and she was one of the holiest of our time.  Have you met me?  I am so not her.

My prayer life ebbs and flows.  I'll go from Rosaries to none.  I'll go from study to study.  Group or alone.  The one I started a while ago (and finished a bit late) was the Good Morning Girls one on Collosians.  It said in the beginning how that at the end how we would come to know Jesus better and have a deeper relationship with him or something to that effect.  Well, study is done and the result is I really don't feel all that different as I did when I started.  But I will persevere, sort of a fake it till you make it thing.  And, I started their Advent study...a week late, but I made up good time and as of yesterday, I am on track.

So, I'm in Mass on Sunday and Fr. Tim was the presenting the Mass.  Lately, with my prayer life all whatever, I haven't exactly been present during the Mass.  So, this past Sunday, I finally took out my journal and started writing.  I wrote through the entire Liturgy of the Word (except to participate) including Fr. Tim's homily.  I wrote about everything that's been weighing heavily on me.  Absolutely everything.  During the homily, something Fr. Tim would say would pull me away here or there.  Then, at the end, Fr. Tim read this prayer.  It was a way to begin the first week of Advent.  It was so great, I couldn't write it down fast enough.  I even left my pew to ask that they publish the prayer on the web or Facebook, which thankfully, they did.

I can tell you *exactly* why that prayer spoke to me.  Because it was me.  It's everything I've ever felt.  It wasn't a scary prayer.  "What is a scary prayer, you ask?"  The Litany of Humility.

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed,
Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being loved...
From the desire of being extolled ...
From the desire of being honored ...
From the desire of being praised ...
From the desire of being preferred to others...
From the desire of being consulted ...
From the desire of being approved ...
From the fear of being humiliated ...
From the fear of being despised...
From the fear of suffering rebukes ...
From the fear of being calumniated ...
From the fear of being forgotten ...
From the fear of being ridiculed ...
From the fear of being wronged ...
From the fear of being suspected ...

That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be esteemed more than I ...
That, in the opinion of the world,
others may increase and I may decrease ...
That others may be chosen and I set aside ...
That others may be praised and I unnoticed ...
That others may be preferred to me in everything...
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…

While incredibly beautiful, this prayer is scary to me.  And, for a while I tried to pray it, but I knew in my heart I didn't mean it, so I stopped.  I cannot help it, but I desire to be loved.  Call it baggage from my childhood or whatever, but I have not just a want, but a deep, deep seeded NEED to be loved.  On the flip side, when I am loved, it freaks me out, mainly when it's with friends.  Don't they know who I am?  Don't they know all my failings?  Can't they see how black my heart turns sometimes?  There are so many other people worthy of their love than me.  Even my husband who has seen me at my worst.  There are so many other women smarter, prettier, thinner, etc than me.  

So, you see, it's a scary prayer.  The prayer Fr. Tim prayed on Sunday was this:

Let us begin our Advent Season with an act of personal prayer-a petition, a prayer for myself, that I may have:  A sense of purpose

To make a difference

To be appreciated

To feel God's forgiveness

To live a clean, uncomplicated life

To be assured of your acceptace, O Lord.

To know that my family will miss me when I die.

To know that I am ready to die.

To know that I am taking good care of those who have been placed in my care.

To believe in the future and not worry about the past.

For good health.

For healing.

For spiritual gifts:  generosity, courage, compassion.

And the courage to pray "Maranatha" (Come Lord)

To say it and mean it absolutely.

That we want him to come.

Now.

Come, Lord Jesus.

(Revelation 22:20)

The prayer hits on one of the things that I think of most.  I want to know that I will be missed when I die.  I don't want to be forgotten.  Sure you can say 'who will forget you?' or 'of course you'll be missed' but how will I know?  And once everyone who knows me passes then what?  I certainly don't remember my great grandparents.  Do you remember yours?  Exactly.  I want to leave a legacy of love.  To me, this is an honest prayer that I can pray.  I want everything in it and can pray it wholeheartedly verses the Litany of Humility.

I've also found that the more I pray, the more it pisses the devil off.  I have been genuinely happy and feeling more like myself since I started spending morning time with God.  Then yesterday, the devil hit full force.  Of course, I didn't realize it was him till the end of the day.  I just chalked the really, really, really, really bad day up to pmsing and other peoples stupidity.  Patti, it truly sucked pine cones!  But, I have to remember to be alert.  So, I'll try to work on that.

When it comes to my prayer life, like everything else, I'm a control freak.  Sure, it's not the way I want it to be, but maybe it's the way He wants it for now.  I don't know.  He has yet to share His plan with me lol

So, until next time, learn from my failures (Lord knows I don't always! lol) and try praying the Advent Season prayer.  Or if you're brave enough, the Litany of Humility.  And, pray for all those who feel alone.

Love,

Me

Voices, Minions and Socks...oh My!

Have you ever heard the voice of God?

Have you ever heard the voice of God laugh and call you an idiot (in the best way, not in a mean way)?  I have.  More so than I'd like to admit.

So, last night, after the election, I am not ashamed to say, I cried.  I cried for all of the unborn who are going to die.  My faith is not a just a big part of who I am.  At my core, it IS who I am.  I believe (and you are absolutely free to believe otherwise, it doesn't mean I won't love you or that we cannot be friends) that life is from conception to natural death.  No exceptions.  Now, being Catholic and going to Mass you would think that everyone who shares my faith would feel the same.  However, that is not the case.

My first thought this morning was 'how can that person receive communion every Sunday and still vote like they did?'  This is where the voice of God came in.  He just whispered and reminded me that every Sunday, I receive communion too.  And, just because I cast my vote for life doesn't mean I do not sin.  Just because someone sins differently does not make me any better.  Then, I thought of the scripture 'let those without sin cast the first stone'.  I guess that's why I have receipts and pens and napkins and keys in my purse instead of rocks.  And, believe you me, I am very thankful that those around me (and those with great aim) do not carry rocks around either.  I would be hit all day!

It's no surprise I've been under a ton of stress lately.  Today marks week four of my pt.  House stuff, kid stuff, pmsing, work crap, other work crap.  All this stress makes it very, very easy to be filled with hate.  I start most days thinking 'I'm going to pray for those who annoy me.  I will be kind, I will be the face of Jesus to them when they irk me'.  But then, I'm at work and it's so easy to get sucked in to the vortex that is gossip and so and so isn't pulling their weight and the hate rises up and I become a minion of satan showing others evil instead of a disciple of Christ showing others Jesus.  Then, I get more mad at myself and then get down on myself.  I am better than this!  I can do this!  Why do I constantly go into the vortex and get sucked in to all the drama!?  Because, I am human.  I can almost guarantee you that if I knew it all, if my faith was so great and I showed Jesus to those that torque me off everyday then I would not be here.  I would be in heaven with my Mema and George's Mom both whom I miss with every beat of my heart.  I would be praising WITH the angels instead of praying to them for aid. 

So, what is a struggling girl to do?  Keep praying.  I saw a sign on facebook the other day that I just love.  Faith-forwarding it all to heaven.  I just have to remember, it's not the church of Gina, or Gina's North America, or Gina's world.  Sure, the skies would be a brilliant pink/orange hue and everyone would wear mismatched socks (because life is too short to wear matching socks!) and there would be singing and dancing a lot.  I would also be like the evil queen who yells "OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!!!"  And, that is just not good for anyone.  So, be thankful that you don't live in Gina's world, remember, like me, we are all sinners, and God loves us regardless of who we vote for or how we sin.  It's still sin and His love still remains greater than any of it.

Until next time,
Have a blessed day and GO ALLEN EAGLES!
Love,
Me

Prayer, Control, and Mentors

I having been never one who is satisfied with my prayer life, went looking as I sometimes do, for something more.  My prayer life ebbs and flows.  And, it's truly never as deep and a spiritual as I'd like it to be.  I look at my spiritual mentors and think "I want *that*".  So, a couple months ago, I was lamenting to one of my spiritual mentors about wanting more.  There was a new study coming out (Colosians) called Good Morning, Girls and said "you're doing it!"  So, I've been doing it.  Granted, I am not always faithful in my daily studies, but I do however make up missed days!

So, today, I was doing my study (I am a half a week ahead.  I figure it makes up for when I'm running behind) and it was Colosians 3:18-19.

Wives, be subordinate to your husbands, as is proper to the Lord.  Husbands love your wives and avoid any bitterness toward them. 

Scripture tells me I'm to be subordinate to my husband as I am to God.  This got me thinking.  I don't think I have a subordinate bone in my body.  Reverent, sure.  Humble, yes.  Subordinate?  Not so much.  So then, I thought of my relationship with God and about me being subordinate.  Have I ever been?  Again, not so much.  Turns out, for those of you who don't know me, I am  huge, HUGE control freak.  While God's timing is perfect, most of the time, heck who am I kidding, 99.9% of the time, it's not perfect for what I want to accomplish! lol  There's a saying "you want to hear God laugh?  Tell Him your plans".  I do this just about everyday.  I have a time table on which I'd like things accomplished.  Not prayer request mind you, more like my projects.  For example, getting the house ready to put up.  Putting the house up.  Selling the house.  Finishing up the insurance from the accident.  Having pt be finished.  My back getting better.  I have a time table on which I'd like things.  Originally, knowing it was a pipe dream, I had hoped to be in a new house by Christmas.  As I said, I knew it was a pipe dream.  We met with the realtor on a Tuesday and had the accident on Sunday and everything has gone the way of a pile of pick up sticks.  Scattered.  So, I have this schedule in my head, and then I get overwhelmed.  I'm dealing with paint and carpet and roofs.  I'm dealing with my two jobs one stressing me out more than the other, but still stressing me.  My eighteen year old...the boy is trying to kill me by giving me a heart attack.  I've bitten off way more than I'll ever be able to chew with volunteering ("I have no senior next year, I'll have plenty of time!) I am stressed.  So, why can't I just say "Okay, Dad, here you go, I surrender it all to you?" and let Him keep it and do His thing?  Because I am a control freak.  I have to feel like I have a purpose, that I am doing something instead of just sitting around with my thumb up my bum.  I mean, come on, doesn't scripture say "God helps those who help themselves?"  I think help is the operative word.  Help themselves, not do, themselves.  So, one of my gurus had told me one Sunday a while back to surrender, even if it means surrendering every day.  Every minute.  I forgot about that.  I think that's something I have to continuously employ.  Surrendering.  I am a control freak without control.

So, if I can surrender to God, and learn to be subordinate to Him, and let Him reign, then when it comes to my husband, I can do it too.  Truth be told, I think I surrender to him more than I realize and not in a you won I lost thing.  It's a lot of 'what do I do?  How do I handle this?  And, can you help, please?'  Maybe between the two most important men in my life, God, and my husband, I just might be able to loosen my grip on my control freak gene and learn to be subordinate as I am called to be.  Quit laughing, I said 'maybe'.

Until next time,

Please pray for my friend who is discerning the diaconate.  Also, pray for my many spiritual mentors and gurus as I couldn't do it without them.

Love,

Me

Hadassah, Genie and Andy Grammer

I have so much to tell you.  I have so much I want to share.  And, every night when I lay my head down to sleep, everything I want to tell you comes rushing into the forefront of my head and everything from the day, or week, or month just floods me.  Now, when I sit down to tell you of it all notsomuch, lol.

I've been at war with myself as of late.  I'm sure I cannot be the only one who has done this.  My spiritual side and my human side and my emotional side (I guess I am a triangle?) battle.  There is so much going on with the kids, with both my jobs, with getting the house ready to sell, to the whole accident mess, including, but not limited to my physical therapy which I have today.  What is a floundering, spiritual girl to do?  Well, hiding doesn't work.  People find me.  And, truth be told, it is a beautiful feeling when people don't let you hide.  Selfishly, it means, to me anyway, that I was missed.  And, that makes me feel loved.  So, hiding didn't work, so, I sought out those much, much, much wiser than I.  A few weeks ago, I was lamenting to one of my SA's (Spiritual Advisors).  She recommended I read the Mark of the Lion series and a couple other books.  When I asked her which one I should start with, she said with everything going on in my life, I should start with A Voice in the Wind.  So, I did.

First off, the first sixish chapters made me want to stab myself in the ear with a pen.  My SA said "keep going, it get's better" and it did.  In this book, I found who I want to be.  Sometimes, I feel like my relationship with God was that of someone who finds a lamp with a genie inside.  I would rub the lamp and then I would tell God what I would like Him to do and then back in the lamp he would go.  And, in the beginning of the book I truly felt this way.  Then, I felt, well ashamed.  I took a look back at my relationship with Him and yes, some of them were genie moments.  Then, I kept reading and reading and I devoured the books, all three of them.  And, what I learned is that I don't treat God like a genie.  I treat Him like He truly is, my dad.  This woman, Hadassah, has so much faith it's amazing.  She questions God.  Her prayers are conversations and lots and lots of questions.  She doesn't always do as God wants her too either.  The more I read, the more I could see the similarities in her and I.  However, she is so much braver and faithful and cooler than I could ever hope to be.  Then, I really got to thinking.  Mainly about the saints.  They struggled, a lot.  No one has the answers.  I always thought I had it down when talking to God/Dad.  I'm not one of those Thou and Hast people.  I'm all Dude or Dad when I talk to Him, and I still am.  I would just talk to Him.  Some days it was in thanksgiving for things as little as a sunrise (as if that could be conceived little!) or as big as watching over my family during the accident.  But, when I would walk in the valley it would be lots of 'why me's'? and prayers to get me out.  After reading A Voice in the Wind, I came to the conclusion that no one has the answers.  That I can be like Hadassah.  My prayers have changed slightly.  When I talk to Dad, it is not just from my heart and for others and myself, I pray from my soul.  I found solace in some Psalms and prayers.  And in these Psalms and prayers, I have realized, like the saints, it is okay to flounder.  My cries never go unheard.  That my conversations with God are a prayer in and of themselves.  And, all the bumper sticker quotes from the bible that I love are nothing if I don't put them into action.  Sure, I can tell you I can do all things through Christ who strengthen me.  It is another to believe that with all my heart AND soul.

Where does that leave me now?  Well, after stress came confusion.  I'm still somewhat confused and I'm confident that I will remain in my state of confusion until I die.  I don't think I'll ever understand it all.  But I am blessed with moments of clarity.  And, while I still have many questions (at what point do you go from having a servants heart to being a doormat?), I will always have questions.  I know that God has a plan (I just threw up a little lol I hate that saying) and I know He knows what I need.  He hears my cries.  He's got this.  I really, really need to quit getting in His way.  So, now, today starts another morning in the eye of what is my hurricane.  But, like Andy Grammer tell me, I'll keep my head up.  God's got this and I've got pt (ick).

Until next time,
Read a Voice in the Wind by Francene Rivers!!!! 

Love,
Me

Blessed

Life doesn't happen like the movies.  At least most times.  I haven't intentionally been hiding out.  Life just took a turn for the weird.

I've been introspective.  Trying to pray more (thanks, Mary!), trying to get things in some sort of order, and in the mean time, have been dealing with a ton of stress.

First off, we are moving locally this year.  Truly, it's the only time we can do it, since in the next two years I will have back to back seniors.  With the arthritis in my knees, going up to bed has just become more difficult.  We have a fabulous realtor whom we adore (thanks, Jenni!!), and are slowly getting the house in order to put on the market.  Then, three weeks ago, everything came crashing to a halt.  Literally.  We were leaving Mass and running to Target.  My son was driving and did an amazing job.  We were all in the minivan.  A guy ran a stop sign and hit us.  I remember the noise, the curb, the spinning.  Airbags were deployed.  We walked away with George getting the brunt of it, which were scratches from his arm from the airbag.  I immediately thanked God that we were all safe.  Our guardian angels were working overtime that day (thank you, Gabriel!).  My friend, Thad, happened upon us and gave me his jacket as it was raining.  Carol took us home and the real fun began.  The minivan was totaled (it was almost paid off! UGH).  Wednesday, I took George, Sarah and myself to the ER.  Sarah's back has been sore, my sciatic nerve is aggravated, and George got a shot.  Then, on Sunday, I took Jaime and Maria.  Three hours on Wednesday and another three hours this day.  Double UGH.  Jaime's back and Maria's neck.  This Tuesday we see an orthopedist (thanks Javier, Joan and all for the recommendations!).

Did you ever fill out one of those stress papers?  You know, have someone close die within the last year, etc.  You know what's on the list?  Buying a house, selling a house, accident.  Yup, I'm just a bit stressed.  Then add in the whole car buying process.  You would think that buying a car would be fun, but not so much.  I'm happy to say that that part is just about finished.

I'm working both school and Bennigan's which I love.  Big changes in Bennigan's lately.  Dealing with that and the house, and the accident, and buying a car, and the insurance company, I am just overly stressed.  So, I have my close group who has known what's been going on and they have been awesome.  From taking me for ice cream and letting me cry (thanks, Tina!) to good morning/good night texts to make me smile (I love you, Shelia), to texting me from a wedding to make sure I'm okay (thank you, Patti!) to asking me how they can pray for me (thanks, Mary!) I have been well covered.  In all this stress, I have been doing a bible study with my Mary.  One of the things that I've read is about enduring your trials with joy and patience.  This makes me laugh because I am the least patient person I know.  So, these past two weeks, I have been really trying to endure with joy and patience.  It hasn't been easy.  Then, at work, I've been singing to myself in my head this song called He Said.  The refrain says "remember what He says "I won't give you more, more than you can take and I might let you bend, but never let you break and no, I'll never let you go".  It's been helpful, especially in the hardest times.

If it's possible, the accident brought us all closer together.  We've always been an especially close family, now even more so.   It's been really beautiful.  And, it is wonderful to know that when I shut out the world, my husband is there waiting for me and it is just us taking on the world.

So, until next time,
Pray for those who have no one to talk to.

Love,
Me

Back to school

So, a year ago, I was emotional as it was my son's senior year in high school.  I had a plan how the year was going to go and that a year from then (now) he'd be off in college.  I'd be missing him something fierce and getting the girls ready for their sophomore and junior years respectively.

Ahhh ha ha ha ha ha!  That was a good one!  I don't know what I was thinking!  I can't tell you how many come to Jesus moments I had with my son his senior year.  I can't tell you how bittersweet I felt about him leaving and going off to college!  Then he graduated.  I went through the whole "my baby is all grown up when did this happen" thing.  Then, as June progressed, and I started to cry over my son leaving, we soon became aware that he might not be leaving home.  So, I decided I wasn't going to cry.  I was going to save my tears until he actually left.  You know, why waste good tears.

That was one of my more brilliant ideas.  Turns out, due to lack of housing, my son is attending Collin this year.  Fine and dandy.  NOT.  I was all prepared for him to leave!  The girls were finally going to have their own rooms!  He was going to sink or swim on his own and I wasn't going to have to play lifeguard anymore!  I feel like a kid.  All my friends kids are going off to college and not living at home!  But, God has a plan.  I just threw up a little.  I hate that saying so much.  No matter how true it is.

This is going to be one trying year.  Not only with my son though.  Through his senior year, as parents, we 'learned' a few things.  Like how we are going to be all over our Junior daughter like white on rice.  How we are pushing both girls to study and that their social lives are at the mercy of their grades.  Not that the girls are bad students mind you (and neither was our son) but we learned about class ranking and its advantages.  Oh joy!  Another year of me being the gestapo.  A job I loathe!

So on the eve of another school year, after our annual first day of school breakfast at McDonald's tomorrow morning, in case your wondering, it's only 86 days till Thanksgiving.

Until next time,
Pray for all the parents and teachers.

Love,
Me

Sheep are awesome

So, how have you been?

Me?  I'm alive.  I'm a control freak who has no control over things at the moment.  Very stressful for us ADHD, OCD, control types.  There's my plan and then there's God's plan.  His supersedes mine all the time.  Occasionally, they'll line up.  Which is great.  But also not so great, because then I think my plan was the better one and not that it was actually His plan too.

So things that have been happening...

Got an additional job at Bennigan's Plano which I love.  Through extenuating circumstances Jaime is going to Colin instead of Blin (and driving me crazy, which I'm almost convinced is part of Gods plan).  Maria got a job.  Sarah's been doing band for the month of August and rocks.  And, George is loving his new job.

I've been irritable and crabby lately.  I've done sort of a internal inventory and found some stuff I didn't like and it's really torqued me off.  And, if we're being honest here, and if I'm not, what's the point of this blog, I haven't seen the inside of the gym in forever.  I haven't exercised at home, and my eating isn't exactly stellar as of late.  I've hidden myself away again so as to not infect others. I deeply appreciate my friend Amy who checks in on me to make sure I haven't checked myself into a rubber room without her :D

Then, last night, something amazing happened.  God happened.  We were at the kick off pep rally in our new stadium and I really didn't want to sit with anyone but my family.  Then, a member of my extended family texted and asked if I'd save her a seat.  She was the only person in the world that at that moment I would save a seat for (as in being a hate the world mood you hate everyone).  And she came and sat with me and it was exactly what sitting next to Jesus would be like.  My Patti is absolutely amazing.  Just being around her lightened my mood.  We sang, we danced, and we laughed, a lot.  In between cheers and the reverie, we chatted about what's been going on with each of us.  And, when she left after the event, I felt lighter and happier than I had in a very long time.  I felt Jesus with me telling me everything is going to be okay.  Patti is and always will be Jesus to me.  Sometimes though, when I turn my back on the world, God tries talking to me and I don't exactly hear Him.  And, it's times like last night, when He physically comes looking for me and gently puts his arm around me and brings me back into the fold that I being to feel like myself again.

Being a sheep is awesome.  I know my masters voice and He knows mine.  And, when I am lost, He comes to find me.  Every.  Time. 

Until next time,
Pray for all the students going back to school

Love,
Me