To say this weekend was a bit rough would be an understatement. Yesterday was Mema's birthday. She's dead. She's gone. Has been for a couple years now. And, most days I'm okay. Sometimes a memory will grab hold of me and not let go. However, this weekend was more than that. Friday night I went to bed a little melancholy as I wished her happy birthday. Then, when Saturday began, I could tell that the day was just going to be different. I told my husband ahead of time 'if you see me crying it's okay. I'll be alright". During the entire day, there were moments that would just grab me. Normal, mundane, everyday moments and something would grab my lungs and squeeze and breathing was hard and I would cry. I was quiet most of the day. Hard to believe, I know, but I was. I was just introverted.
Then, today started out most of the same. While I was getting ready for Mass, 'Oh Danny Boy' came on my ipod. And, the waterworks started again. Mass was simply beautiful and simply put, exactly where I needed to be. My husband and I joined some friends of ours Friday night for a Valentine's Mass and dinner at church. It was beautiful. I reconnected with one of my favorite couples in the world. I have the distinct honor of knowing this particular couple. I am in awe of them and how much they have overcome. This couple went through a tragic event years ago. What would kill most people hasn't killed them all though I would venture to guess it felt like it at times. When talking to my husband on the way home about one of the reasons I love that couple is that almost immediately after the tragedy they were at Mass. And when someone was surprised they were there and asked why, the husband said he needed to be with God (or something to that effect) and that had a profound affect on me. I thought of that this morning while I was at Mass, I gave lots of things up to God. I actually listened to the homily. We have four new Deacons (YAY!!!) and one of them gave the homily. I listened to the readings and thought will I go where He sends me? And, I answered Yes. I go wherever He wants me to go, do whatever He wants me to do, and just give Him everything. He has given me so very much. There is no way I could thank Him enough. One particular line of scripture caught me "But by the grace of God I am what I am". I thought how cool is that! I am what I am by His grace.
So, what started out as a rough weekend missing my Mema something fierce turned into a beautiful, introspective weekend with me and God. Pretty cool if you ask me.
Until next time,
Pray for those who are alone.
Love,
Me
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Peace, work, and bubbles
So, I got another think about it text from my friend this morning. It said "our peace does not depend on the kindness or actions of others". My response was "Really? You sure about that? How does it work then because clearly I've been doing it wrong."
Then, I decided that today I would meditate on peace and not on my bible study as I did not do it at this point. Usually, I like to do it in the morning and have something to mentally chew on throughout the day. However, Iggy was sick and I don't think anyone slept. So, this peace thing was something to chew on and I was thankful. However, when I got to work, it was not peaceful at all. It was one of the more hectic days we've had in a while. I'll spare you the gory details. Just know that if you look up crappy day in the dictionary, you'd see my day today. I tried to chew on peace, but it didn't get as deep as I wanted too.
Here's what I've come up with...my peace is suppose to be dependent on me and me alone. I can have this beautiful peace bubble where the weather is absolutely perfect. I'm in shorts and there's a cool breeze just enough to feel good, not strong enough to make you cold and want to go inside. It's slightly overcast and the leaves on the trees are orange and red with just a hint of green left. Crickets are chirping and I am still. The days events rush through my head like a movie trailer at full speed and truthfully, I'd like them out as fast as they can go. It's only when the movie trailer stops and my head settles down that I can hear my heart, and God. This is my peace. This is the place I love to be. Where I long to be. But, as I told a friend the other day, 'you can't live in the peace bubble because life keeps getting in'. So, what is the whole point of peace? Is it a place where I go and recharge? Is it a place where I am to continually stay and not let the world in? If so, how do I fight against the inside world coming in? The bad days at work? The sick kids? The arguing kids? The wanting to help friends with their dilemmas?
One thing that kept running through my mind today whenever I had the moment to chew on peace was this: at Mass, one of my favorite parts is when the priest says "the peace of Christ be with you all". Have you ever thought about what the peace of Christ was? I chewed on it for a bit. what can I say, amidst the craptastick day that was today, I was hungry, so I chewed! lol Jesus was a peaceful guy. Even when everyone wanted to stone the lady He sat there writing in the dirt with his finger calmly asking questions. Peaceful! How do I get that kind of peace? How do I sit calmly when I see injustices happen everyday, at work and all around? Plus, here's a little tidbit I'm not sure you guys know. I was born without a filter that stops you from saying things you shouldn't and tact. I was born without tact. I'm a straight shooter and will tell you what's what and you don't even have to ask! How do I become peaceful and deal with all of that?
I'll tell you...I have absolutely no idea. None. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Nada. So, here's what I've come up with. I will go to my peace bubble as long as I am able. When the world comes knocking, I'll let it in and try to deal as *calmly* as possible with what is tasked before me. Then, go back in my bubble. Not sure how it's gonna work, but it's worth a shot. I'll keep you updated.
Until next time,
The peace of Christ be with you all.
Love,
Me
Then, I decided that today I would meditate on peace and not on my bible study as I did not do it at this point. Usually, I like to do it in the morning and have something to mentally chew on throughout the day. However, Iggy was sick and I don't think anyone slept. So, this peace thing was something to chew on and I was thankful. However, when I got to work, it was not peaceful at all. It was one of the more hectic days we've had in a while. I'll spare you the gory details. Just know that if you look up crappy day in the dictionary, you'd see my day today. I tried to chew on peace, but it didn't get as deep as I wanted too.
Here's what I've come up with...my peace is suppose to be dependent on me and me alone. I can have this beautiful peace bubble where the weather is absolutely perfect. I'm in shorts and there's a cool breeze just enough to feel good, not strong enough to make you cold and want to go inside. It's slightly overcast and the leaves on the trees are orange and red with just a hint of green left. Crickets are chirping and I am still. The days events rush through my head like a movie trailer at full speed and truthfully, I'd like them out as fast as they can go. It's only when the movie trailer stops and my head settles down that I can hear my heart, and God. This is my peace. This is the place I love to be. Where I long to be. But, as I told a friend the other day, 'you can't live in the peace bubble because life keeps getting in'. So, what is the whole point of peace? Is it a place where I go and recharge? Is it a place where I am to continually stay and not let the world in? If so, how do I fight against the inside world coming in? The bad days at work? The sick kids? The arguing kids? The wanting to help friends with their dilemmas?
One thing that kept running through my mind today whenever I had the moment to chew on peace was this: at Mass, one of my favorite parts is when the priest says "the peace of Christ be with you all". Have you ever thought about what the peace of Christ was? I chewed on it for a bit. what can I say, amidst the craptastick day that was today, I was hungry, so I chewed! lol Jesus was a peaceful guy. Even when everyone wanted to stone the lady He sat there writing in the dirt with his finger calmly asking questions. Peaceful! How do I get that kind of peace? How do I sit calmly when I see injustices happen everyday, at work and all around? Plus, here's a little tidbit I'm not sure you guys know. I was born without a filter that stops you from saying things you shouldn't and tact. I was born without tact. I'm a straight shooter and will tell you what's what and you don't even have to ask! How do I become peaceful and deal with all of that?
I'll tell you...I have absolutely no idea. None. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Nada. So, here's what I've come up with. I will go to my peace bubble as long as I am able. When the world comes knocking, I'll let it in and try to deal as *calmly* as possible with what is tasked before me. Then, go back in my bubble. Not sure how it's gonna work, but it's worth a shot. I'll keep you updated.
Until next time,
The peace of Christ be with you all.
Love,
Me
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Discovery, texting and God
There's this old saying "surround yourself with people smarter than you and you become smart by association". This is pretty much how I've lived the last nine years of my life. One such friend texted me very wise words this morning which I stole. She said "Give up the hope of a better past". That was very profound for me. And, instead of reflecting on my bible study today, I found myself meditating (while working of course) on that statement.
When I was little, I wanted to be hugged on and loved all of the time. Maybe it was because of my many trips to Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh (shout out to the greatest kids hospital ever!), I don't know, but even to this day, I crave touch. When I was a teen, all I wanted was to be liked and accepted, no more so than any other teen I'm guessing. Then, as I was in my late teens, (you know the age where you know absolutely everything because you're seventeen/eighteen and don't have to listen to anyone or seek their advice) I found acceptance. Not with myself mind you but with a couple friends. In the years that followed (mostly my entire twenties) I made mistakes. Lots of them. Being never one to fit into what 'normal' is or rather, what I thought normal was (and really whose to say anyway?) I did things different. I did things backwards.
There are relationships that I have that are deeply severed. Those that are beyond repair. Those that I still go "what was I thinking" and those that after long bouts of time apart can feel like no time has passed when we come back together. I look back at my past and there are so many, many things I'd like to change. Decisions I've made that not only have affected me, but those that I love and care about deeply, as well. No, it's not like I'm in government or anything where the decisions I made affect a great number of people. But the decisions I make everyday affect more than just me. And, looking back at my past, I've affected more people with my bad decisions than with my good. It's okay if a bad decision affects just me, but that doesn't happen.
People I'd wish I was closest to in this world, I ended up loving out of respect and because it's been asked of me. What's that old saying "I wish other people would stick to the scripts that I wrote in my head". No, that doesn't happen. That free will thing. People are allowed to think and act and feel differently than I wish they would. I wished for so long that I would be extremely closer to a few members of my own family than I am. And, even though I hear all of the "it's not you it's them", "they're the ones missing out", "you tried", "you deserve better", there comes a point where I just stop trying. Stop trying to please, stop trying to be who I think they want or would love and just be me.
My late twenties brought me the love of my life and three beautiful children. My thirties were for cleaning up my messes I made in my twenties. My late thirties to now have been discovering who I am. And, here's what I've come up with. I am a mess. I am a woman with ocd, adhd, and panic and anxiety disorder. I am a girl who wishes certain people will call one day and tell her how stupid they've been and they've loved her since the moment she was born. I am a girl who craves touch and happiness, who will do anything for anybody just to make them smile and hear their laugh. I am an exhaulter. I have a great need to make other people feel good about themselves and let them know how much God loves them. It's just quite a lot of time, I don't always do that for myself. Yes, yes, I know God loves me. And on most days, I take that for granted. I take Him at His word. He created me because He loves me. I'm still here, so He loves me and then I don't think anymore on it.
No matter how hard I try or wish I could go back and change certain things and mistakes I've made, I'm glad I can't. They would probably alter the outcome of where I am now. Would I still have the love of my life and my three kids? Who knows? And, I wouldn't trade them for the world.
So, sure at times I know I'll still look back at my past and cringe at the whoppers of mistakes that I've made but at this point, I can certainly start to let go of it.
I wish the same for you my friends. I wish you to know that right where you are, this very second, you are loved. That God loves you and so do I. Mistakes and all. You are loved.
Until next time,
Start letting go of your past. Enjoy today.
Love,
Me
When I was little, I wanted to be hugged on and loved all of the time. Maybe it was because of my many trips to Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh (shout out to the greatest kids hospital ever!), I don't know, but even to this day, I crave touch. When I was a teen, all I wanted was to be liked and accepted, no more so than any other teen I'm guessing. Then, as I was in my late teens, (you know the age where you know absolutely everything because you're seventeen/eighteen and don't have to listen to anyone or seek their advice) I found acceptance. Not with myself mind you but with a couple friends. In the years that followed (mostly my entire twenties) I made mistakes. Lots of them. Being never one to fit into what 'normal' is or rather, what I thought normal was (and really whose to say anyway?) I did things different. I did things backwards.
There are relationships that I have that are deeply severed. Those that are beyond repair. Those that I still go "what was I thinking" and those that after long bouts of time apart can feel like no time has passed when we come back together. I look back at my past and there are so many, many things I'd like to change. Decisions I've made that not only have affected me, but those that I love and care about deeply, as well. No, it's not like I'm in government or anything where the decisions I made affect a great number of people. But the decisions I make everyday affect more than just me. And, looking back at my past, I've affected more people with my bad decisions than with my good. It's okay if a bad decision affects just me, but that doesn't happen.
People I'd wish I was closest to in this world, I ended up loving out of respect and because it's been asked of me. What's that old saying "I wish other people would stick to the scripts that I wrote in my head". No, that doesn't happen. That free will thing. People are allowed to think and act and feel differently than I wish they would. I wished for so long that I would be extremely closer to a few members of my own family than I am. And, even though I hear all of the "it's not you it's them", "they're the ones missing out", "you tried", "you deserve better", there comes a point where I just stop trying. Stop trying to please, stop trying to be who I think they want or would love and just be me.
My late twenties brought me the love of my life and three beautiful children. My thirties were for cleaning up my messes I made in my twenties. My late thirties to now have been discovering who I am. And, here's what I've come up with. I am a mess. I am a woman with ocd, adhd, and panic and anxiety disorder. I am a girl who wishes certain people will call one day and tell her how stupid they've been and they've loved her since the moment she was born. I am a girl who craves touch and happiness, who will do anything for anybody just to make them smile and hear their laugh. I am an exhaulter. I have a great need to make other people feel good about themselves and let them know how much God loves them. It's just quite a lot of time, I don't always do that for myself. Yes, yes, I know God loves me. And on most days, I take that for granted. I take Him at His word. He created me because He loves me. I'm still here, so He loves me and then I don't think anymore on it.
No matter how hard I try or wish I could go back and change certain things and mistakes I've made, I'm glad I can't. They would probably alter the outcome of where I am now. Would I still have the love of my life and my three kids? Who knows? And, I wouldn't trade them for the world.
So, sure at times I know I'll still look back at my past and cringe at the whoppers of mistakes that I've made but at this point, I can certainly start to let go of it.
I wish the same for you my friends. I wish you to know that right where you are, this very second, you are loved. That God loves you and so do I. Mistakes and all. You are loved.
Until next time,
Start letting go of your past. Enjoy today.
Love,
Me
Friday, January 18, 2013
Forests, signs, and my Carol
Sometimes, we can't see the forest for the trees. Did you ever notice when you're with a friend and they're lamenting to you about whatever, you have great advice on how to fix it but when the same thing happens in your life you're all clueless?
Yea, welcome to my world.
I've been doing a bible study for a while and I roped a few of my closest and dearest friend in the entire world to do it with me. This week, one of the readings struck me. It was how the angel Gabriel came to Mary and announced what was going to happen. I lamented that God never sends Gabriel or any other angels to tell me His plan. She knew the plan and got to say 'yes'. I have to say 'yes' without knowing the plan. Well, I don't have to say yes, but you get my point.
This past week, I have been sleeping. Really well in fact, with the exception on one night. I can't tell you how awesome it is to get six or seven straight hours of sleep. Only waking once and not five times to pee! Last night I dreamed I was walking around our church property. Like I was taking classes or something. And, I saw a sign. The sign had such a profound effect in my dream that everyone I came in contact with in my dream I was telling about this sign.
Then, the night before last, I dreamed I got to meet Pope John Paul II. I was with a bunch of people in line at a cafeteria. We're going to pay and the Pope is sitting where the cashier usually does. He wasn't ringing people up, just talking to them. I'm all kinds of excited! The person in front of me says to the Pope "I don't know what to call you" and he says "your excellence". In my head I'm all "I KNEW THAT! I KNEW THAT"! Then it is my turn! I take his hand, kneel down and bow my head as I say "your excellence". I didn't kiss his ring (which looked just like a plain wedding band) and moved on. Then, I woke up. I was very disappointed I didn't get to meet him! On the plus side, he's been dead for a couple years so if I was to really meet him, I think that means I'd be dead too, and I'm not ready to go just yet!
There's a point coming, I promise! I was talking to my Carol yesterday about my Pope dream. Ever the smart one she says "you wanted signs, you're getting signs!" In other words "pay attention dork face!" She didn't say that but I did lol.
So, I'm meeting the dead Pope and seeing signs in my dreams. So, the sign, let me tell you what it said. It said "The kingdom of heaven is at hand...the kingdom is now"! In my dream I kept telling people "How cool is that!? I've been telling people I'm building my treasure in heaven and that not even Solomon! Not even Solomon! Heaven is here now!"
Okay, let me explain Solomon. It's a reading from Matthew 25 -34
Yea, welcome to my world.
I've been doing a bible study for a while and I roped a few of my closest and dearest friend in the entire world to do it with me. This week, one of the readings struck me. It was how the angel Gabriel came to Mary and announced what was going to happen. I lamented that God never sends Gabriel or any other angels to tell me His plan. She knew the plan and got to say 'yes'. I have to say 'yes' without knowing the plan. Well, I don't have to say yes, but you get my point.
This past week, I have been sleeping. Really well in fact, with the exception on one night. I can't tell you how awesome it is to get six or seven straight hours of sleep. Only waking once and not five times to pee! Last night I dreamed I was walking around our church property. Like I was taking classes or something. And, I saw a sign. The sign had such a profound effect in my dream that everyone I came in contact with in my dream I was telling about this sign.
Then, the night before last, I dreamed I got to meet Pope John Paul II. I was with a bunch of people in line at a cafeteria. We're going to pay and the Pope is sitting where the cashier usually does. He wasn't ringing people up, just talking to them. I'm all kinds of excited! The person in front of me says to the Pope "I don't know what to call you" and he says "your excellence". In my head I'm all "I KNEW THAT! I KNEW THAT"! Then it is my turn! I take his hand, kneel down and bow my head as I say "your excellence". I didn't kiss his ring (which looked just like a plain wedding band) and moved on. Then, I woke up. I was very disappointed I didn't get to meet him! On the plus side, he's been dead for a couple years so if I was to really meet him, I think that means I'd be dead too, and I'm not ready to go just yet!
There's a point coming, I promise! I was talking to my Carol yesterday about my Pope dream. Ever the smart one she says "you wanted signs, you're getting signs!" In other words "pay attention dork face!" She didn't say that but I did lol.
So, I'm meeting the dead Pope and seeing signs in my dreams. So, the sign, let me tell you what it said. It said "The kingdom of heaven is at hand...the kingdom is now"! In my dream I kept telling people "How cool is that!? I've been telling people I'm building my treasure in heaven and that not even Solomon! Not even Solomon! Heaven is here now!"
Okay, let me explain Solomon. It's a reading from Matthew 25 -34
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry
about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what
you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than
clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[e]?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If
that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and
tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you
of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
So, in my dream, apparently, I'm telling people I have more than Solomon in heave. Wow, I think I'm getting a bit big for my own britches! lol
So, between sleeping great, and signs and friends, I think I'm going to be okay! The kingdom is wherever Jesus is. He is always with me and you. Therefore, the kingdom is now! I don't know what all of this means. Like I tell my kids my crystal ball broke and I haven't got a new one. But, I know that God does have a plan and whatever it is, I'm saying 'yes'.
Until next time,
Pray for my bible study group please
Love,
Me
Monday, December 24, 2012
The Christmas Edition-Mema, Mom, and Me
Christmas eve has to be my favorite day of the year, hands down. Or, well, it used to be.
When I was little, from my earliest that I can remember, Christmas eve, (among other time, lots of other times) was spent with my Grandparents (Mema and Grandpa). We even went to Florida one year to visit them for Christmas and when we got home to my beloved Pittsburgh, we had presents under the tree! Santa came while we were gone! That is why to this day, at 43, I still believe in Santa. But I digress. Christmas has always been, for me, family, mainly Mema.
I don't know when it started, but after Mass, we would go to Mema's. She made the traditional Croatian, Christmas Eve dinner. We fasted from meat so the meal was yucky. lol It was Christmas bean soup type thingy over little bread balls with cottage cheese. See, yucky. And, since my sister and I never ate it, my Grandpa would order a Vincent's (the worlds best, although now defunct, pizza) cheese pizza just for us.
As the years have come and gone, my very favorite Christmas eve was when I was a teenager. I'm not sure how hold I was. Mema and Grandpa had six kids. Four boys and two girls. I've got a myriad of cousins that even though we lived not too far away, we never really got to see. Maybe once every couple years. This particular year four of the six kids with there families came to Mema's. (Note, Grandpa was still alive and kicking at this point. In fact, he wouldn't pass for many, many years, however, it was and is always called Mema's :D ) Then, Mema used to do this neat thing where she would order surprise boxes from the postal service. They were full of odds and ends and sometimes, junk lol. Mema would wrap it all in newspaper, then all the kids would pick a number and viola, a fun game! lol We got potato peelers, spatulas and cameras that you'd probably find at the dollar store today. It was always full of fun and laughter. Having almost the entire family there at Mema's made the small house a lot warmer and not just in my heart. Dude, you did not need the heat turned on! It remains my favorite Christmas to this day.
As the years passed and I grew up, we stopped fasting and Mema would make a ham for everyone, but I like to think it was mainly for my sister and me. Through moves and miles, even if I wasn't there, Christmas eve, for me, would be about Mema. I'd always call and the phone would get passed around and it would tear my heart out, in a good way.
Mema has been gone now for too many years than I'd like to remember, even if it is still under five lol. And, this day, as much as I love it. it just breaks my heart. I can't call her and tell her Merry Christmas. I can't make her laugh, I can't hear her laugh. My heart is so filled with missing her that it's about to burst.
I also miss my Mommy most at Christmas time. She's alive and in Myrtle Beach. And, I only get to see her every couple of years. Which is not nearly enough for me. However, I miss her most at Christmas time. There's this movie we used to watch as a kid Little Lord Fauntleroy. At the end of the movie (sorry to spoil it if you haven't seen it) the little boys mother comes out from behind the tree on Christmas day. Every year, Every. Single. Year. I wait in great hopes that my mom will come out from behind my tree. Even though I'm 43. Even though I talk to her and know her Christmas plans. Even though I know she's not coming...the little girl in me, who misses her mommy something fierce, secretly hopes (well not so secret now) that she'll be behind the tree.
I am no different Christmas eve then I am the other 364 days of the year. The moon rules the tide. My heart rules me. So, I will have a good cry. Enjoy Christmas Mass with my family, and make memories for my wonderful children. Thank you all for being here for me. It's been quite a year from graduation to new jobs and everything in between. Wishing you a very Merry Christmas and the happiest of new years!
Until next time,
Hug everyone you meet.
Love,
Me
When I was little, from my earliest that I can remember, Christmas eve, (among other time, lots of other times) was spent with my Grandparents (Mema and Grandpa). We even went to Florida one year to visit them for Christmas and when we got home to my beloved Pittsburgh, we had presents under the tree! Santa came while we were gone! That is why to this day, at 43, I still believe in Santa. But I digress. Christmas has always been, for me, family, mainly Mema.
I don't know when it started, but after Mass, we would go to Mema's. She made the traditional Croatian, Christmas Eve dinner. We fasted from meat so the meal was yucky. lol It was Christmas bean soup type thingy over little bread balls with cottage cheese. See, yucky. And, since my sister and I never ate it, my Grandpa would order a Vincent's (the worlds best, although now defunct, pizza) cheese pizza just for us.
As the years have come and gone, my very favorite Christmas eve was when I was a teenager. I'm not sure how hold I was. Mema and Grandpa had six kids. Four boys and two girls. I've got a myriad of cousins that even though we lived not too far away, we never really got to see. Maybe once every couple years. This particular year four of the six kids with there families came to Mema's. (Note, Grandpa was still alive and kicking at this point. In fact, he wouldn't pass for many, many years, however, it was and is always called Mema's :D ) Then, Mema used to do this neat thing where she would order surprise boxes from the postal service. They were full of odds and ends and sometimes, junk lol. Mema would wrap it all in newspaper, then all the kids would pick a number and viola, a fun game! lol We got potato peelers, spatulas and cameras that you'd probably find at the dollar store today. It was always full of fun and laughter. Having almost the entire family there at Mema's made the small house a lot warmer and not just in my heart. Dude, you did not need the heat turned on! It remains my favorite Christmas to this day.
As the years passed and I grew up, we stopped fasting and Mema would make a ham for everyone, but I like to think it was mainly for my sister and me. Through moves and miles, even if I wasn't there, Christmas eve, for me, would be about Mema. I'd always call and the phone would get passed around and it would tear my heart out, in a good way.
Mema has been gone now for too many years than I'd like to remember, even if it is still under five lol. And, this day, as much as I love it. it just breaks my heart. I can't call her and tell her Merry Christmas. I can't make her laugh, I can't hear her laugh. My heart is so filled with missing her that it's about to burst.
I also miss my Mommy most at Christmas time. She's alive and in Myrtle Beach. And, I only get to see her every couple of years. Which is not nearly enough for me. However, I miss her most at Christmas time. There's this movie we used to watch as a kid Little Lord Fauntleroy. At the end of the movie (sorry to spoil it if you haven't seen it) the little boys mother comes out from behind the tree on Christmas day. Every year, Every. Single. Year. I wait in great hopes that my mom will come out from behind my tree. Even though I'm 43. Even though I talk to her and know her Christmas plans. Even though I know she's not coming...the little girl in me, who misses her mommy something fierce, secretly hopes (well not so secret now) that she'll be behind the tree.
I am no different Christmas eve then I am the other 364 days of the year. The moon rules the tide. My heart rules me. So, I will have a good cry. Enjoy Christmas Mass with my family, and make memories for my wonderful children. Thank you all for being here for me. It's been quite a year from graduation to new jobs and everything in between. Wishing you a very Merry Christmas and the happiest of new years!
Until next time,
Hug everyone you meet.
Love,
Me
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Advent, Angels, and Indigo Girls
Last time we spoke, I told you of my prayer life and of one of a study I'm doing for Advent. In doing the study for the last couple days I have been remembering things. Mainly, my early prayer life after CRHP (Christ Renews His Parish) retreat that I attended 8 years ago. This retreat lit my fire, my zeal, my zest for God. I saw these women who had such a personal relationship with God and Mary and Jesus and the Saints. I wanted that! After this retreat, I couldn't get enough. I was in every study I could find. I collected prayers like trading cards. I prayed wrote prayers, I cried out to God often. I spoke with Him all the time. I saw Jesus just about everywhere I turned. I learned to bind my pain/struggles with the souls in purgatory. I was much more sincere in my prayers.
What happened between then and now? Why did I forget about the souls in purgatory? Surely, I have had many aches and pains, headaches and thanks to the accident, back pain. I could've bound those with the souls in purgatory. No, my prayer life changed. I grew in a different sort of way. I once heard Fr. Corrapi say that when people would ask him to pray for them, he would immediately say, in his head 'I place you in the hands of the virgin Mary and all the angels and the saints'. He said something to the effect that it was the most powerful thing he could do and his prayers wouldn't do any better than theirs So, I started saying that whenever I ask people what I could pray for them. A) It was quicker and b) sometimes I might forget to pray for that person and then I'd feel bad so I'd ask God to pray for all those who asked me too (and sometimes, I still do that). But, I noticed that for me, that wasn't exactly a sincere prayer. Sure, God still hears me, but inside my heart it just wasn't the same.
My prayer life, now, while different, is deeper and more shallow at the same time. It's shallow because I shy away from wrote prayers most of the time. I want to use *my* words not someone else's (although, wow, have you read some of the Psalms? I've been using some of those, they're amazing!). It's deeper in the respect that I am still learning how to pray. This study is teaching me more about myself. Yesterday's reading was from Phillipians. It said 'in EVERYTHING with thanksgiving make your requests known to God'. I am paraphrasing big time because if I go downstairs to look it up, I'm gonna get sidetracked and forget this post for about a week! lol Here's what caught me, two words, everything and thanksgiving. I have not come to God with everything. Irks, irritations, struggles, sure. Happiness, dishes, laundry, dinner, nope. Now, you're probably saying "Gina, God doesn't care that you're doing laundry or struggling for the gazilionth time what to make for dinner (Dear God, please not chicken AGAIN! lol) and you would be wrong. God doesn't just want part of my day, or part of me. No, he wants it all. The good, the bad, and the ugly. He wants me to come to Him with EVERYTHING (Dear God, please make that person go faster! Dear God, I had so much fun with Sarah tonight making truffles!)
The other word that got me was thanksgiving. How many times to I come to Him with thanksgiving. Sure, sometimes. There's always "thank you, God for having that work out" but rarely a thank you, God for today, or my morning coffee, or snuggles with the kids. Sure I thank Him for the big things, but I also need to thank Him for the small as well.
And lastly, our guardian angels. One of the Priests and I am so sorry I can't remember which one, said we can talk to our guardian angels. My poor Gabriel! He's my guardian angel. I haven't talked to him in forever! He must think so horrible of me! I do love him and count on him to be there. He is like breathing. You take it for granted that you do it. I don't always think "breathe in, now breath out" unless my friend Kathy at work is trying to get me to relax lol In the same vein, I don't think of Gabriel. And that pains me and makes me sad. He is so amazing and has always been there for me and will always continue to be there for me. I'm sure, like God, there's many times I've caused him to drink! lol And, like God, and my amazing husband, he stays.
So, this advent, I haven't said the prayers every night like I wanted to (a little less than half), I haven't said one rosary by myself or with the family, and I haven't had deep faith filled discussions with the kids. However, I am learning more about me in my daily prayers. I am becoming closer to God in my own way and thereby teaching my kids about God. I used to think prayer was like the Indigo Girls song Closer to Fine. There's a line that goes "the less I seek the source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine". Prayer use to scare me. God use to scare me, death use to scare me. Now, God and prayer is where I find myself. And as for death, well, we'll just let that go for today.
Until next time,
Say a prayer for yourself today. If you don't take care of you, you're no good for anyone else!
Love,
Me
What happened between then and now? Why did I forget about the souls in purgatory? Surely, I have had many aches and pains, headaches and thanks to the accident, back pain. I could've bound those with the souls in purgatory. No, my prayer life changed. I grew in a different sort of way. I once heard Fr. Corrapi say that when people would ask him to pray for them, he would immediately say, in his head 'I place you in the hands of the virgin Mary and all the angels and the saints'. He said something to the effect that it was the most powerful thing he could do and his prayers wouldn't do any better than theirs So, I started saying that whenever I ask people what I could pray for them. A) It was quicker and b) sometimes I might forget to pray for that person and then I'd feel bad so I'd ask God to pray for all those who asked me too (and sometimes, I still do that). But, I noticed that for me, that wasn't exactly a sincere prayer. Sure, God still hears me, but inside my heart it just wasn't the same.
My prayer life, now, while different, is deeper and more shallow at the same time. It's shallow because I shy away from wrote prayers most of the time. I want to use *my* words not someone else's (although, wow, have you read some of the Psalms? I've been using some of those, they're amazing!). It's deeper in the respect that I am still learning how to pray. This study is teaching me more about myself. Yesterday's reading was from Phillipians. It said 'in EVERYTHING with thanksgiving make your requests known to God'. I am paraphrasing big time because if I go downstairs to look it up, I'm gonna get sidetracked and forget this post for about a week! lol Here's what caught me, two words, everything and thanksgiving. I have not come to God with everything. Irks, irritations, struggles, sure. Happiness, dishes, laundry, dinner, nope. Now, you're probably saying "Gina, God doesn't care that you're doing laundry or struggling for the gazilionth time what to make for dinner (Dear God, please not chicken AGAIN! lol) and you would be wrong. God doesn't just want part of my day, or part of me. No, he wants it all. The good, the bad, and the ugly. He wants me to come to Him with EVERYTHING (Dear God, please make that person go faster! Dear God, I had so much fun with Sarah tonight making truffles!)
The other word that got me was thanksgiving. How many times to I come to Him with thanksgiving. Sure, sometimes. There's always "thank you, God for having that work out" but rarely a thank you, God for today, or my morning coffee, or snuggles with the kids. Sure I thank Him for the big things, but I also need to thank Him for the small as well.
And lastly, our guardian angels. One of the Priests and I am so sorry I can't remember which one, said we can talk to our guardian angels. My poor Gabriel! He's my guardian angel. I haven't talked to him in forever! He must think so horrible of me! I do love him and count on him to be there. He is like breathing. You take it for granted that you do it. I don't always think "breathe in, now breath out" unless my friend Kathy at work is trying to get me to relax lol In the same vein, I don't think of Gabriel. And that pains me and makes me sad. He is so amazing and has always been there for me and will always continue to be there for me. I'm sure, like God, there's many times I've caused him to drink! lol And, like God, and my amazing husband, he stays.
So, this advent, I haven't said the prayers every night like I wanted to (a little less than half), I haven't said one rosary by myself or with the family, and I haven't had deep faith filled discussions with the kids. However, I am learning more about me in my daily prayers. I am becoming closer to God in my own way and thereby teaching my kids about God. I used to think prayer was like the Indigo Girls song Closer to Fine. There's a line that goes "the less I seek the source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine". Prayer use to scare me. God use to scare me, death use to scare me. Now, God and prayer is where I find myself. And as for death, well, we'll just let that go for today.
Until next time,
Say a prayer for yourself today. If you don't take care of you, you're no good for anyone else!
Love,
Me
Friday, December 7, 2012
Prayer is scary
Prayer is hard. At least for me it is. There are all kinds of prayers out there, all sorts of ways to pray. And, yes, it's pretty easy for me to pray for so and so for whatever they need. What's hard is the kind of prayer life I am after. I want the meditative, spiritual connecting, deep rooting type prayer life. Where I can spend an hour (or even thirty minutes) in the morning so deep in prayer connecting with God that the time flies by so fast I don't know what happened. And, afterward I am refreshed, renewed, and ready to do His work. That has yet to happen. Yea, yea, Blessed Mother Teresa never felt the love of God and she was one of the holiest of our time. Have you met me? I am so not her.
My prayer life ebbs and flows. I'll go from Rosaries to none. I'll go from study to study. Group or alone. The one I started a while ago (and finished a bit late) was the Good Morning Girls one on Collosians. It said in the beginning how that at the end how we would come to know Jesus better and have a deeper relationship with him or something to that effect. Well, study is done and the result is I really don't feel all that different as I did when I started. But I will persevere, sort of a fake it till you make it thing. And, I started their Advent study...a week late, but I made up good time and as of yesterday, I am on track.
So, I'm in Mass on Sunday and Fr. Tim was the presenting the Mass. Lately, with my prayer life all whatever, I haven't exactly been present during the Mass. So, this past Sunday, I finally took out my journal and started writing. I wrote through the entire Liturgy of the Word (except to participate) including Fr. Tim's homily. I wrote about everything that's been weighing heavily on me. Absolutely everything. During the homily, something Fr. Tim would say would pull me away here or there. Then, at the end, Fr. Tim read this prayer. It was a way to begin the first week of Advent. It was so great, I couldn't write it down fast enough. I even left my pew to ask that they publish the prayer on the web or Facebook, which thankfully, they did.
I can tell you *exactly* why that prayer spoke to me. Because it was me. It's everything I've ever felt. It wasn't a scary prayer. "What is a scary prayer, you ask?" The Litany of Humility.
My prayer life ebbs and flows. I'll go from Rosaries to none. I'll go from study to study. Group or alone. The one I started a while ago (and finished a bit late) was the Good Morning Girls one on Collosians. It said in the beginning how that at the end how we would come to know Jesus better and have a deeper relationship with him or something to that effect. Well, study is done and the result is I really don't feel all that different as I did when I started. But I will persevere, sort of a fake it till you make it thing. And, I started their Advent study...a week late, but I made up good time and as of yesterday, I am on track.
So, I'm in Mass on Sunday and Fr. Tim was the presenting the Mass. Lately, with my prayer life all whatever, I haven't exactly been present during the Mass. So, this past Sunday, I finally took out my journal and started writing. I wrote through the entire Liturgy of the Word (except to participate) including Fr. Tim's homily. I wrote about everything that's been weighing heavily on me. Absolutely everything. During the homily, something Fr. Tim would say would pull me away here or there. Then, at the end, Fr. Tim read this prayer. It was a way to begin the first week of Advent. It was so great, I couldn't write it down fast enough. I even left my pew to ask that they publish the prayer on the web or Facebook, which thankfully, they did.
I can tell you *exactly* why that prayer spoke to me. Because it was me. It's everything I've ever felt. It wasn't a scary prayer. "What is a scary prayer, you ask?" The Litany of Humility.
O Jesus! meek and humble of
heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed,
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being esteemed,
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being loved...
From the desire of being extolled ...
From the desire of being honored ...
From the desire of being praised ...
From the desire of being preferred to others...
From the desire of being consulted ...
From the desire of being approved ...
From the fear of being humiliated ...
From the fear of being despised...
From the fear of suffering rebukes ...
From the fear of being calumniated ...
From the fear of being forgotten ...
From the fear of being ridiculed ...
From the fear of being wronged ...
From the fear of being suspected ...
From the desire of being extolled ...
From the desire of being honored ...
From the desire of being praised ...
From the desire of being preferred to others...
From the desire of being consulted ...
From the desire of being approved ...
From the fear of being humiliated ...
From the fear of being despised...
From the fear of suffering rebukes ...
From the fear of being calumniated ...
From the fear of being forgotten ...
From the fear of being ridiculed ...
From the fear of being wronged ...
From the fear of being suspected ...
That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I ...
That, in the opinion of the world,
others may increase and I may decrease ...
That others may be chosen and I set aside ...
That others may be praised and I unnoticed ...
That others may be preferred to me in everything...
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…
That, in the opinion of the world,
others may increase and I may decrease ...
That others may be chosen and I set aside ...
That others may be praised and I unnoticed ...
That others may be preferred to me in everything...
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…
While incredibly beautiful, this prayer is scary to me. And, for a while I tried to pray it, but I knew in my heart I didn't mean it, so I stopped. I cannot help it, but I desire to be loved. Call it baggage from my childhood or whatever, but I have not just a want, but a deep, deep seeded NEED to be loved. On the flip side, when I am loved, it freaks me out, mainly when it's with friends. Don't they know who I am? Don't they know all my failings? Can't they see how black my heart turns sometimes? There are so many other people worthy of their love than me. Even my husband who has seen me at my worst. There are so many other women smarter, prettier, thinner, etc than me.
So, you see, it's a scary prayer. The prayer Fr. Tim prayed on Sunday was this:
Let us begin our Advent Season with an act of personal prayer-a petition, a prayer for myself, that I may have: A sense of purpose
To make a difference
To be appreciated
To feel God's forgiveness
To live a clean, uncomplicated life
To be assured of your acceptace, O Lord.
To know that my family will miss me when I die.
To know that I am ready to die.
To know that I am taking good care of those who have been placed in my care.
To believe in the future and not worry about the past.
For good health.
For healing.
For spiritual gifts: generosity, courage, compassion.
And the courage to pray "Maranatha" (Come Lord)
To say it and mean it absolutely.
That we want him to come.
Now.
Come, Lord Jesus.
(Revelation 22:20)
The prayer hits on one of the things that I think of most. I want to know that I will be missed when I die. I don't want to be forgotten. Sure you can say 'who will forget you?' or 'of course you'll be missed' but how will I know? And once everyone who knows me passes then what? I certainly don't remember my great grandparents. Do you remember yours? Exactly. I want to leave a legacy of love. To me, this is an honest prayer that I can pray. I want everything in it and can pray it wholeheartedly verses the Litany of Humility.
I've also found that the more I pray, the more it pisses the devil off. I have been genuinely happy and feeling more like myself since I started spending morning time with God. Then yesterday, the devil hit full force. Of course, I didn't realize it was him till the end of the day. I just chalked the really, really, really, really bad day up to pmsing and other peoples stupidity. Patti, it truly sucked pine cones! But, I have to remember to be alert. So, I'll try to work on that.
When it comes to my prayer life, like everything else, I'm a control freak. Sure, it's not the way I want it to be, but maybe it's the way He wants it for now. I don't know. He has yet to share His plan with me lol
So, until next time, learn from my failures (Lord knows I don't always! lol) and try praying the Advent Season prayer. Or if you're brave enough, the Litany of Humility. And, pray for all those who feel alone.
Love,
Me
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