You're never to old to learn. Don't get me wrong, I learn things just about everyday, I learn from my kids, my husband and my friends. Sometimes, I learn things and forget them. Then when I learn them again I'm all "oh, I knew that! I just forgot". I love lent. Truly I do. It's when I learn the most about myself. At the beginning of lent, I'm all excited! What's God going to work on me with this lent?! What am I going to learn about myself? What am I going to change? Now don't get me wrong, it's not always 40 days of learning and working on me. In fact, sometimes, He is so subtle, I don't really realize what's going on. It's also the time when the devil likes to attack me most. Sadly, he knows my doubts, my insecurities, my failings, my fears. All the worst parts of me. And, I am sad to say, some days, he plays me like a violin (cue the devil went down to Georgia).
I was reminded this morning of things that I forgot. Important, truthful things. See, I am a part of a group of women and we meet once a month. Sometimes, it's the same few of us, sometimes, it's more. but these women are a constant in my life. These women, we all love and accept each other unconditionally. We know each others weaknesses, failures, and challenges as well as triumphs and joys. We laugh, we cry, we support each other, we love each other all under a blanket of confidentiality. It is freeing to know that I can say anything and it is not going anywhere. I met these women 8 1/2 years ago. And, we have been though it all. Together. Marriage, divorce, pregnancy, kids, school, college, death. There is nothing we haven't talked about or supported each other with. These meetings are what keep me grounded (and my husband of course. There is a string under his rib tethered to mine and keeps me grounded. And, yes, that was a Jayne Eyre reference)
I have been having a bit of a rough time lately. When I sat down to meet with my friends this morning I said "I cannot wait for this lent to be over". At the end of the breakfast, I realized, that I'm not ready for it to be over, He's still working on something in me and it's not done yet. I hadn't been to the breakfast in a few months. So, this morning, I let it all out. All of my fears and doubts. All of my imperfections. I constantly compare myself to others. 'She lost her sister and look how amazing she is doing!'. 'She lost her Dad and look how strong she is!' You, you can't even handle a little arthritis in your knees or your back hurting you and you're complaining! You are a failure. Welcome to the voices in my head. I am at war with myself on most days. One of my (many) faults is that I tend to think that I'm the only one who is going through what I am going through. The other day, part of my tongue was feeling weird. I had to have my loving husband repeat ad nauseum that it was normal and sometimes it happens. He also no longer allows me to go on WebMd because I always have some disease or ailment lol Smart man, that husband of mine. My whole life is like that. See, I'm the only one who has this ache or pain that day. I am convinced of this. Panic and anxiety disorder is simply lovely. I think I'm the only one who feels alone some time in a crowd of people, even if those people are my friends. I think I'm the only one who doesn't want to be a burden and tell people I'm fine, when all I want is for someone to go "I know you're not, quit lying". I think I'm the only one who is dealing with certain aches and pains. And, truly, it is a very scary way to live. However, through my husbands never ending patience and my group of women and friends, I realize that I am not the only one who feels this way, whatever way it is at that particular moment, somewhere, someone I know, even just an acquaintance, has felt this way.
That is absolutely freeing. Now, mind you, I will forget this and sooner rather than later. However, I know that when I see these women again, I will be reminded. This group of women and friends that God has gifted me with teach me something whenever we are together. And, some of the best times I've had are moments in cars parked outside my house. I often look at these women and others that God has placed in my life. They are so strong, so wonderful, very Godly, faith filled women. Then, I look at me and wonder why He gave me to them. Most times, I think it's because they need a project to take their mind of of their own stuff. Others, I think it's because I love them. I love them, each of them, wholeheartedly. And, who doesn't need love?
Until next time,
Pray for peace. We all could use some.
Love,
Me
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Thursday, March 14, 2013
The devil, the Pope, and Justin Timberlake
So, it's spring break. Right now, I'm procrastinating. I'm suppose to be dealing with crap. Insurance crap from the accident, spring cleaning crap, the gym crap. Crap, crap, crap. And, since I'm big on procrastinating and I'm finally coming out of my foodgasm from last night, I figured I'd fill you all in on what's going on.
I had grand plans for myself this spring break. I was going to clean the house top to bottom. Get rid of all the junk and trash lying around. Donate stuff. And, read. Read, read, read till my heart is full (which will never happen because I love to read so much!) I did clean out most of my bedroom. Threw some stuff away, and donated some. But, I haven't called for pick up because I still want to go through the wet bar. I know I have stuff in the cupboards. I just keep putting it off. Well, not exactly on purpose. I over did it on Monday and felt it on Tuesday. Wednesday was dealing with requesting insurance records (ugh), and a lovely dinner with friends, hence the foodgasm. Yesterday started off icky. I got a call from the insurance company who basically says "I believe you're in pain, you just have to prove it!" So, yuck. Then, I caught up with a friend over coffee. As I'm waiting for her, I see an email from another friend with a video of "All is Well With My Soul" Perfect timing, Jesus. I know everything is going to be okay. So, I go to see my friend. A friend whom I haven't really *talked* to recently. You know, 'hi' and that kind of stuff, but not really meat and potatoes talk. She's been one of my spiritual mentors for about 81/2 years, so to reconnect with her was just lovely. Then, I head to my docs office to request records. Fine. Then, I get one set of my records and call my mom.
Growing up, I watched my mom in pain. She has degenerative disc disease. I watched her not walk, but crawl for a year. She has had slip, ruptured, bulged discs, you name it. She had surgeries, acupuncture, chiropractic work, again, you name it, all to no avail. So, here I am, with a slipped disc and in pain. Sometimes, all a girl needs is her mom to hold her and tell her it's all going to be okay. So, while talking to my mom, she says "I know what you need, I just can't be there right now" and in my best Babe the pig impression said "I want my mum" and just cried. My mom is great. She makes everything better, even anxiety attacks.
Then George took Sarah and I to lunch (Maria didn't want to go and Jaime was working). We had such a great time and on the way to lunch, WHITE SMOKE! We have a new Pope!!! I was/am SO excited!!!
The rest of the day was lovely. And dinner was spectacular!!!! George and I got to go out with some friends of ours and had just a simply marvelous time! God is so good! I was reflecting last night on the day and how it started off icky and ended just lovely and everything in between.
Lent is such a hard time. Heck, everyday is such a hard time. And, yes, I am an optimist most days. But man, some days, the devil hits you with both barrels and you don't know if you're coming or going! Usually, I don't realize it's him until I'm all good and worked up over whatever it is at that moment. Then, I'm all,'man, not again!' lol
So, today, today I choose to be different. Today, I choose to focus on the good and not the icky. The insurance company will not bring me down! I will check at least one thing off my list, and I will continue to pray. And, if things start to go in the other direction, I'll just pop on some JT and his song 'mirror'. Man that guy is smooooooooooth like silk. That will make it all better fast :D
Until next time,
Pray for our new Pope Francis
Love,
Me
I had grand plans for myself this spring break. I was going to clean the house top to bottom. Get rid of all the junk and trash lying around. Donate stuff. And, read. Read, read, read till my heart is full (which will never happen because I love to read so much!) I did clean out most of my bedroom. Threw some stuff away, and donated some. But, I haven't called for pick up because I still want to go through the wet bar. I know I have stuff in the cupboards. I just keep putting it off. Well, not exactly on purpose. I over did it on Monday and felt it on Tuesday. Wednesday was dealing with requesting insurance records (ugh), and a lovely dinner with friends, hence the foodgasm. Yesterday started off icky. I got a call from the insurance company who basically says "I believe you're in pain, you just have to prove it!" So, yuck. Then, I caught up with a friend over coffee. As I'm waiting for her, I see an email from another friend with a video of "All is Well With My Soul" Perfect timing, Jesus. I know everything is going to be okay. So, I go to see my friend. A friend whom I haven't really *talked* to recently. You know, 'hi' and that kind of stuff, but not really meat and potatoes talk. She's been one of my spiritual mentors for about 81/2 years, so to reconnect with her was just lovely. Then, I head to my docs office to request records. Fine. Then, I get one set of my records and call my mom.
Growing up, I watched my mom in pain. She has degenerative disc disease. I watched her not walk, but crawl for a year. She has had slip, ruptured, bulged discs, you name it. She had surgeries, acupuncture, chiropractic work, again, you name it, all to no avail. So, here I am, with a slipped disc and in pain. Sometimes, all a girl needs is her mom to hold her and tell her it's all going to be okay. So, while talking to my mom, she says "I know what you need, I just can't be there right now" and in my best Babe the pig impression said "I want my mum" and just cried. My mom is great. She makes everything better, even anxiety attacks.
Then George took Sarah and I to lunch (Maria didn't want to go and Jaime was working). We had such a great time and on the way to lunch, WHITE SMOKE! We have a new Pope!!! I was/am SO excited!!!
The rest of the day was lovely. And dinner was spectacular!!!! George and I got to go out with some friends of ours and had just a simply marvelous time! God is so good! I was reflecting last night on the day and how it started off icky and ended just lovely and everything in between.
Lent is such a hard time. Heck, everyday is such a hard time. And, yes, I am an optimist most days. But man, some days, the devil hits you with both barrels and you don't know if you're coming or going! Usually, I don't realize it's him until I'm all good and worked up over whatever it is at that moment. Then, I'm all,'man, not again!' lol
So, today, today I choose to be different. Today, I choose to focus on the good and not the icky. The insurance company will not bring me down! I will check at least one thing off my list, and I will continue to pray. And, if things start to go in the other direction, I'll just pop on some JT and his song 'mirror'. Man that guy is smooooooooooth like silk. That will make it all better fast :D
Until next time,
Pray for our new Pope Francis
Love,
Me
Monday, February 18, 2013
How I know it's Lent
Without looking at my calendar or getting my ashes, I can tell you without a doubt that last week was the first week of Lent. I can tell you this because a)Lent is a time of renewal for me. A time to delve more into myself and my relationship with Jesus and b) the devil hates this and attacks all over the place. I can tell you without a doubt, the devil was attacking me and some of my nearest and dearest friends last week. Yes, I know it's the devil. This is his favorite time to attack. Technically, any day is his favorite day to attack.
In doing my bible study from last week this morning (yes, I was four days behind not counting today), I hit on one of my favorite scriptures that sums up Lent for me. It's about how you can't put new wine in old wine skins. Luke 5:37-39
In doing my bible study from last week this morning (yes, I was four days behind not counting today), I hit on one of my favorite scriptures that sums up Lent for me. It's about how you can't put new wine in old wine skins. Luke 5:37-39
"Likewise, no one pours new wine into old wineskins. Otherwise, the new wine will burst the skins, and it will be spilled, and the skins will be ruined. Rather, new wine must be poured into fresh wineskins. And, no one who has been drinking old wine desires new, for he says, 'The old is good.'"
I take my Lent very seriously, trying always to better myself. One thing I have a problem with is my prayer life. I want to devote a space and time just for me and God. Getting up early just doesn't work for me, however I like to pray first thing in the morning. I've found that I can't pray in bed, I end up falling asleep and that's not what I'm looking for. I know I can pray on the go and as I'm doing things, but what I'd love is just devoted daily time and space just for me and Him. So far, I haven't figured that out.
So, this Lent, I'll continue to better myself, try to look for a space, and just relax when I'm being attacked.
Until next time,
Please pray for the repose of the soul of my friends sister.
Love,
Me
Sunday, February 10, 2013
I am What I am
To say this weekend was a bit rough would be an understatement. Yesterday was Mema's birthday. She's dead. She's gone. Has been for a couple years now. And, most days I'm okay. Sometimes a memory will grab hold of me and not let go. However, this weekend was more than that. Friday night I went to bed a little melancholy as I wished her happy birthday. Then, when Saturday began, I could tell that the day was just going to be different. I told my husband ahead of time 'if you see me crying it's okay. I'll be alright". During the entire day, there were moments that would just grab me. Normal, mundane, everyday moments and something would grab my lungs and squeeze and breathing was hard and I would cry. I was quiet most of the day. Hard to believe, I know, but I was. I was just introverted.
Then, today started out most of the same. While I was getting ready for Mass, 'Oh Danny Boy' came on my ipod. And, the waterworks started again. Mass was simply beautiful and simply put, exactly where I needed to be. My husband and I joined some friends of ours Friday night for a Valentine's Mass and dinner at church. It was beautiful. I reconnected with one of my favorite couples in the world. I have the distinct honor of knowing this particular couple. I am in awe of them and how much they have overcome. This couple went through a tragic event years ago. What would kill most people hasn't killed them all though I would venture to guess it felt like it at times. When talking to my husband on the way home about one of the reasons I love that couple is that almost immediately after the tragedy they were at Mass. And when someone was surprised they were there and asked why, the husband said he needed to be with God (or something to that effect) and that had a profound affect on me. I thought of that this morning while I was at Mass, I gave lots of things up to God. I actually listened to the homily. We have four new Deacons (YAY!!!) and one of them gave the homily. I listened to the readings and thought will I go where He sends me? And, I answered Yes. I go wherever He wants me to go, do whatever He wants me to do, and just give Him everything. He has given me so very much. There is no way I could thank Him enough. One particular line of scripture caught me "But by the grace of God I am what I am". I thought how cool is that! I am what I am by His grace.
So, what started out as a rough weekend missing my Mema something fierce turned into a beautiful, introspective weekend with me and God. Pretty cool if you ask me.
Until next time,
Pray for those who are alone.
Love,
Me
Then, today started out most of the same. While I was getting ready for Mass, 'Oh Danny Boy' came on my ipod. And, the waterworks started again. Mass was simply beautiful and simply put, exactly where I needed to be. My husband and I joined some friends of ours Friday night for a Valentine's Mass and dinner at church. It was beautiful. I reconnected with one of my favorite couples in the world. I have the distinct honor of knowing this particular couple. I am in awe of them and how much they have overcome. This couple went through a tragic event years ago. What would kill most people hasn't killed them all though I would venture to guess it felt like it at times. When talking to my husband on the way home about one of the reasons I love that couple is that almost immediately after the tragedy they were at Mass. And when someone was surprised they were there and asked why, the husband said he needed to be with God (or something to that effect) and that had a profound affect on me. I thought of that this morning while I was at Mass, I gave lots of things up to God. I actually listened to the homily. We have four new Deacons (YAY!!!) and one of them gave the homily. I listened to the readings and thought will I go where He sends me? And, I answered Yes. I go wherever He wants me to go, do whatever He wants me to do, and just give Him everything. He has given me so very much. There is no way I could thank Him enough. One particular line of scripture caught me "But by the grace of God I am what I am". I thought how cool is that! I am what I am by His grace.
So, what started out as a rough weekend missing my Mema something fierce turned into a beautiful, introspective weekend with me and God. Pretty cool if you ask me.
Until next time,
Pray for those who are alone.
Love,
Me
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Peace, work, and bubbles
So, I got another think about it text from my friend this morning. It said "our peace does not depend on the kindness or actions of others". My response was "Really? You sure about that? How does it work then because clearly I've been doing it wrong."
Then, I decided that today I would meditate on peace and not on my bible study as I did not do it at this point. Usually, I like to do it in the morning and have something to mentally chew on throughout the day. However, Iggy was sick and I don't think anyone slept. So, this peace thing was something to chew on and I was thankful. However, when I got to work, it was not peaceful at all. It was one of the more hectic days we've had in a while. I'll spare you the gory details. Just know that if you look up crappy day in the dictionary, you'd see my day today. I tried to chew on peace, but it didn't get as deep as I wanted too.
Here's what I've come up with...my peace is suppose to be dependent on me and me alone. I can have this beautiful peace bubble where the weather is absolutely perfect. I'm in shorts and there's a cool breeze just enough to feel good, not strong enough to make you cold and want to go inside. It's slightly overcast and the leaves on the trees are orange and red with just a hint of green left. Crickets are chirping and I am still. The days events rush through my head like a movie trailer at full speed and truthfully, I'd like them out as fast as they can go. It's only when the movie trailer stops and my head settles down that I can hear my heart, and God. This is my peace. This is the place I love to be. Where I long to be. But, as I told a friend the other day, 'you can't live in the peace bubble because life keeps getting in'. So, what is the whole point of peace? Is it a place where I go and recharge? Is it a place where I am to continually stay and not let the world in? If so, how do I fight against the inside world coming in? The bad days at work? The sick kids? The arguing kids? The wanting to help friends with their dilemmas?
One thing that kept running through my mind today whenever I had the moment to chew on peace was this: at Mass, one of my favorite parts is when the priest says "the peace of Christ be with you all". Have you ever thought about what the peace of Christ was? I chewed on it for a bit. what can I say, amidst the craptastick day that was today, I was hungry, so I chewed! lol Jesus was a peaceful guy. Even when everyone wanted to stone the lady He sat there writing in the dirt with his finger calmly asking questions. Peaceful! How do I get that kind of peace? How do I sit calmly when I see injustices happen everyday, at work and all around? Plus, here's a little tidbit I'm not sure you guys know. I was born without a filter that stops you from saying things you shouldn't and tact. I was born without tact. I'm a straight shooter and will tell you what's what and you don't even have to ask! How do I become peaceful and deal with all of that?
I'll tell you...I have absolutely no idea. None. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Nada. So, here's what I've come up with. I will go to my peace bubble as long as I am able. When the world comes knocking, I'll let it in and try to deal as *calmly* as possible with what is tasked before me. Then, go back in my bubble. Not sure how it's gonna work, but it's worth a shot. I'll keep you updated.
Until next time,
The peace of Christ be with you all.
Love,
Me
Then, I decided that today I would meditate on peace and not on my bible study as I did not do it at this point. Usually, I like to do it in the morning and have something to mentally chew on throughout the day. However, Iggy was sick and I don't think anyone slept. So, this peace thing was something to chew on and I was thankful. However, when I got to work, it was not peaceful at all. It was one of the more hectic days we've had in a while. I'll spare you the gory details. Just know that if you look up crappy day in the dictionary, you'd see my day today. I tried to chew on peace, but it didn't get as deep as I wanted too.
Here's what I've come up with...my peace is suppose to be dependent on me and me alone. I can have this beautiful peace bubble where the weather is absolutely perfect. I'm in shorts and there's a cool breeze just enough to feel good, not strong enough to make you cold and want to go inside. It's slightly overcast and the leaves on the trees are orange and red with just a hint of green left. Crickets are chirping and I am still. The days events rush through my head like a movie trailer at full speed and truthfully, I'd like them out as fast as they can go. It's only when the movie trailer stops and my head settles down that I can hear my heart, and God. This is my peace. This is the place I love to be. Where I long to be. But, as I told a friend the other day, 'you can't live in the peace bubble because life keeps getting in'. So, what is the whole point of peace? Is it a place where I go and recharge? Is it a place where I am to continually stay and not let the world in? If so, how do I fight against the inside world coming in? The bad days at work? The sick kids? The arguing kids? The wanting to help friends with their dilemmas?
One thing that kept running through my mind today whenever I had the moment to chew on peace was this: at Mass, one of my favorite parts is when the priest says "the peace of Christ be with you all". Have you ever thought about what the peace of Christ was? I chewed on it for a bit. what can I say, amidst the craptastick day that was today, I was hungry, so I chewed! lol Jesus was a peaceful guy. Even when everyone wanted to stone the lady He sat there writing in the dirt with his finger calmly asking questions. Peaceful! How do I get that kind of peace? How do I sit calmly when I see injustices happen everyday, at work and all around? Plus, here's a little tidbit I'm not sure you guys know. I was born without a filter that stops you from saying things you shouldn't and tact. I was born without tact. I'm a straight shooter and will tell you what's what and you don't even have to ask! How do I become peaceful and deal with all of that?
I'll tell you...I have absolutely no idea. None. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Nada. So, here's what I've come up with. I will go to my peace bubble as long as I am able. When the world comes knocking, I'll let it in and try to deal as *calmly* as possible with what is tasked before me. Then, go back in my bubble. Not sure how it's gonna work, but it's worth a shot. I'll keep you updated.
Until next time,
The peace of Christ be with you all.
Love,
Me
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Discovery, texting and God
There's this old saying "surround yourself with people smarter than you and you become smart by association". This is pretty much how I've lived the last nine years of my life. One such friend texted me very wise words this morning which I stole. She said "Give up the hope of a better past". That was very profound for me. And, instead of reflecting on my bible study today, I found myself meditating (while working of course) on that statement.
When I was little, I wanted to be hugged on and loved all of the time. Maybe it was because of my many trips to Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh (shout out to the greatest kids hospital ever!), I don't know, but even to this day, I crave touch. When I was a teen, all I wanted was to be liked and accepted, no more so than any other teen I'm guessing. Then, as I was in my late teens, (you know the age where you know absolutely everything because you're seventeen/eighteen and don't have to listen to anyone or seek their advice) I found acceptance. Not with myself mind you but with a couple friends. In the years that followed (mostly my entire twenties) I made mistakes. Lots of them. Being never one to fit into what 'normal' is or rather, what I thought normal was (and really whose to say anyway?) I did things different. I did things backwards.
There are relationships that I have that are deeply severed. Those that are beyond repair. Those that I still go "what was I thinking" and those that after long bouts of time apart can feel like no time has passed when we come back together. I look back at my past and there are so many, many things I'd like to change. Decisions I've made that not only have affected me, but those that I love and care about deeply, as well. No, it's not like I'm in government or anything where the decisions I made affect a great number of people. But the decisions I make everyday affect more than just me. And, looking back at my past, I've affected more people with my bad decisions than with my good. It's okay if a bad decision affects just me, but that doesn't happen.
People I'd wish I was closest to in this world, I ended up loving out of respect and because it's been asked of me. What's that old saying "I wish other people would stick to the scripts that I wrote in my head". No, that doesn't happen. That free will thing. People are allowed to think and act and feel differently than I wish they would. I wished for so long that I would be extremely closer to a few members of my own family than I am. And, even though I hear all of the "it's not you it's them", "they're the ones missing out", "you tried", "you deserve better", there comes a point where I just stop trying. Stop trying to please, stop trying to be who I think they want or would love and just be me.
My late twenties brought me the love of my life and three beautiful children. My thirties were for cleaning up my messes I made in my twenties. My late thirties to now have been discovering who I am. And, here's what I've come up with. I am a mess. I am a woman with ocd, adhd, and panic and anxiety disorder. I am a girl who wishes certain people will call one day and tell her how stupid they've been and they've loved her since the moment she was born. I am a girl who craves touch and happiness, who will do anything for anybody just to make them smile and hear their laugh. I am an exhaulter. I have a great need to make other people feel good about themselves and let them know how much God loves them. It's just quite a lot of time, I don't always do that for myself. Yes, yes, I know God loves me. And on most days, I take that for granted. I take Him at His word. He created me because He loves me. I'm still here, so He loves me and then I don't think anymore on it.
No matter how hard I try or wish I could go back and change certain things and mistakes I've made, I'm glad I can't. They would probably alter the outcome of where I am now. Would I still have the love of my life and my three kids? Who knows? And, I wouldn't trade them for the world.
So, sure at times I know I'll still look back at my past and cringe at the whoppers of mistakes that I've made but at this point, I can certainly start to let go of it.
I wish the same for you my friends. I wish you to know that right where you are, this very second, you are loved. That God loves you and so do I. Mistakes and all. You are loved.
Until next time,
Start letting go of your past. Enjoy today.
Love,
Me
When I was little, I wanted to be hugged on and loved all of the time. Maybe it was because of my many trips to Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh (shout out to the greatest kids hospital ever!), I don't know, but even to this day, I crave touch. When I was a teen, all I wanted was to be liked and accepted, no more so than any other teen I'm guessing. Then, as I was in my late teens, (you know the age where you know absolutely everything because you're seventeen/eighteen and don't have to listen to anyone or seek their advice) I found acceptance. Not with myself mind you but with a couple friends. In the years that followed (mostly my entire twenties) I made mistakes. Lots of them. Being never one to fit into what 'normal' is or rather, what I thought normal was (and really whose to say anyway?) I did things different. I did things backwards.
There are relationships that I have that are deeply severed. Those that are beyond repair. Those that I still go "what was I thinking" and those that after long bouts of time apart can feel like no time has passed when we come back together. I look back at my past and there are so many, many things I'd like to change. Decisions I've made that not only have affected me, but those that I love and care about deeply, as well. No, it's not like I'm in government or anything where the decisions I made affect a great number of people. But the decisions I make everyday affect more than just me. And, looking back at my past, I've affected more people with my bad decisions than with my good. It's okay if a bad decision affects just me, but that doesn't happen.
People I'd wish I was closest to in this world, I ended up loving out of respect and because it's been asked of me. What's that old saying "I wish other people would stick to the scripts that I wrote in my head". No, that doesn't happen. That free will thing. People are allowed to think and act and feel differently than I wish they would. I wished for so long that I would be extremely closer to a few members of my own family than I am. And, even though I hear all of the "it's not you it's them", "they're the ones missing out", "you tried", "you deserve better", there comes a point where I just stop trying. Stop trying to please, stop trying to be who I think they want or would love and just be me.
My late twenties brought me the love of my life and three beautiful children. My thirties were for cleaning up my messes I made in my twenties. My late thirties to now have been discovering who I am. And, here's what I've come up with. I am a mess. I am a woman with ocd, adhd, and panic and anxiety disorder. I am a girl who wishes certain people will call one day and tell her how stupid they've been and they've loved her since the moment she was born. I am a girl who craves touch and happiness, who will do anything for anybody just to make them smile and hear their laugh. I am an exhaulter. I have a great need to make other people feel good about themselves and let them know how much God loves them. It's just quite a lot of time, I don't always do that for myself. Yes, yes, I know God loves me. And on most days, I take that for granted. I take Him at His word. He created me because He loves me. I'm still here, so He loves me and then I don't think anymore on it.
No matter how hard I try or wish I could go back and change certain things and mistakes I've made, I'm glad I can't. They would probably alter the outcome of where I am now. Would I still have the love of my life and my three kids? Who knows? And, I wouldn't trade them for the world.
So, sure at times I know I'll still look back at my past and cringe at the whoppers of mistakes that I've made but at this point, I can certainly start to let go of it.
I wish the same for you my friends. I wish you to know that right where you are, this very second, you are loved. That God loves you and so do I. Mistakes and all. You are loved.
Until next time,
Start letting go of your past. Enjoy today.
Love,
Me
Friday, January 18, 2013
Forests, signs, and my Carol
Sometimes, we can't see the forest for the trees. Did you ever notice when you're with a friend and they're lamenting to you about whatever, you have great advice on how to fix it but when the same thing happens in your life you're all clueless?
Yea, welcome to my world.
I've been doing a bible study for a while and I roped a few of my closest and dearest friend in the entire world to do it with me. This week, one of the readings struck me. It was how the angel Gabriel came to Mary and announced what was going to happen. I lamented that God never sends Gabriel or any other angels to tell me His plan. She knew the plan and got to say 'yes'. I have to say 'yes' without knowing the plan. Well, I don't have to say yes, but you get my point.
This past week, I have been sleeping. Really well in fact, with the exception on one night. I can't tell you how awesome it is to get six or seven straight hours of sleep. Only waking once and not five times to pee! Last night I dreamed I was walking around our church property. Like I was taking classes or something. And, I saw a sign. The sign had such a profound effect in my dream that everyone I came in contact with in my dream I was telling about this sign.
Then, the night before last, I dreamed I got to meet Pope John Paul II. I was with a bunch of people in line at a cafeteria. We're going to pay and the Pope is sitting where the cashier usually does. He wasn't ringing people up, just talking to them. I'm all kinds of excited! The person in front of me says to the Pope "I don't know what to call you" and he says "your excellence". In my head I'm all "I KNEW THAT! I KNEW THAT"! Then it is my turn! I take his hand, kneel down and bow my head as I say "your excellence". I didn't kiss his ring (which looked just like a plain wedding band) and moved on. Then, I woke up. I was very disappointed I didn't get to meet him! On the plus side, he's been dead for a couple years so if I was to really meet him, I think that means I'd be dead too, and I'm not ready to go just yet!
There's a point coming, I promise! I was talking to my Carol yesterday about my Pope dream. Ever the smart one she says "you wanted signs, you're getting signs!" In other words "pay attention dork face!" She didn't say that but I did lol.
So, I'm meeting the dead Pope and seeing signs in my dreams. So, the sign, let me tell you what it said. It said "The kingdom of heaven is at hand...the kingdom is now"! In my dream I kept telling people "How cool is that!? I've been telling people I'm building my treasure in heaven and that not even Solomon! Not even Solomon! Heaven is here now!"
Okay, let me explain Solomon. It's a reading from Matthew 25 -34
Yea, welcome to my world.
I've been doing a bible study for a while and I roped a few of my closest and dearest friend in the entire world to do it with me. This week, one of the readings struck me. It was how the angel Gabriel came to Mary and announced what was going to happen. I lamented that God never sends Gabriel or any other angels to tell me His plan. She knew the plan and got to say 'yes'. I have to say 'yes' without knowing the plan. Well, I don't have to say yes, but you get my point.
This past week, I have been sleeping. Really well in fact, with the exception on one night. I can't tell you how awesome it is to get six or seven straight hours of sleep. Only waking once and not five times to pee! Last night I dreamed I was walking around our church property. Like I was taking classes or something. And, I saw a sign. The sign had such a profound effect in my dream that everyone I came in contact with in my dream I was telling about this sign.
Then, the night before last, I dreamed I got to meet Pope John Paul II. I was with a bunch of people in line at a cafeteria. We're going to pay and the Pope is sitting where the cashier usually does. He wasn't ringing people up, just talking to them. I'm all kinds of excited! The person in front of me says to the Pope "I don't know what to call you" and he says "your excellence". In my head I'm all "I KNEW THAT! I KNEW THAT"! Then it is my turn! I take his hand, kneel down and bow my head as I say "your excellence". I didn't kiss his ring (which looked just like a plain wedding band) and moved on. Then, I woke up. I was very disappointed I didn't get to meet him! On the plus side, he's been dead for a couple years so if I was to really meet him, I think that means I'd be dead too, and I'm not ready to go just yet!
There's a point coming, I promise! I was talking to my Carol yesterday about my Pope dream. Ever the smart one she says "you wanted signs, you're getting signs!" In other words "pay attention dork face!" She didn't say that but I did lol.
So, I'm meeting the dead Pope and seeing signs in my dreams. So, the sign, let me tell you what it said. It said "The kingdom of heaven is at hand...the kingdom is now"! In my dream I kept telling people "How cool is that!? I've been telling people I'm building my treasure in heaven and that not even Solomon! Not even Solomon! Heaven is here now!"
Okay, let me explain Solomon. It's a reading from Matthew 25 -34
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry
about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what
you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than
clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[e]?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If
that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and
tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you
of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
So, in my dream, apparently, I'm telling people I have more than Solomon in heave. Wow, I think I'm getting a bit big for my own britches! lol
So, between sleeping great, and signs and friends, I think I'm going to be okay! The kingdom is wherever Jesus is. He is always with me and you. Therefore, the kingdom is now! I don't know what all of this means. Like I tell my kids my crystal ball broke and I haven't got a new one. But, I know that God does have a plan and whatever it is, I'm saying 'yes'.
Until next time,
Pray for my bible study group please
Love,
Me
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