Throughout these forty days

So, it's been a while since I've blogged. Life, Lent and other stuff has been going on. Like most of my blogs, I have an idea what I want to say but not sure how it's gonna turn out in the end. I can tell you this one is gonna be a while, so you might want to go grab yourself a cup of tea (or whatever your pleasure) and sit back and enjoy.

I was talking to Dad last night (George's, the best dad E V E R) and in the course of the conversation he mentioned a series of Ingmar Bergman films, a trilogy actually. Through A Glass Darkly, Silence, and Winter Light. The series ask questions about God. Now, in listening to Dad talk about Mr. Bergman's other films, it is apparent to me that his films are not my favorite genre and that's okay. Then as we're talking he mentions that in one of the movies (I forget which one, please forgive me) that they say that the agony that Jesus felt during his crucifixion is not the pain that grieves him so, it is the emotional pain that is more great.
Realizing that Peter, his disciple does in fact, deny him, that through all the time he has spent with Peter and the other disciples, they really don't get him and why he's here. Ever since this conversation, I have been meditating on this thought. Not meat and potatoes meditating, mind you, but more surface meditating. I even was thinking about it during Mass today. And, here's my thoughts so far. So far meaning I'm pretty sure this thought is going to stay with me for a while, it's a powerful thought and I'm sure I'll have more thoughts about it later, lol.

If I had the choice to pick a pain, I think I would pick physical over emotional pain on most days. Physical pain, you can pop a pill and at least it dulls and eventually, you don't notice the dull ache. Emotional pain grips you for what seems like forever and doesn't let go. I'm sure we've all experienced emotional pain, some of us more than others. There are even people out there like me in the respect that they can be over emotional or feel things extremely deeply. This leads to emotional hurts quite often. But I digress. Here's what I've been thinking. Picture Jesus. He knows what's coming. He knows that His friend, one of his best friends, is going to deny Him. He knows why it has to happen, but I'm sure He's still hoping that it won't happen. Then it does. I get hurt, my feelings get hurt, very easily. Too easily. Not that I would ever admit that outside of here (so shhh! lol). I am not Jesus. He's so strong, but imagine His heart. His Divine Heart. How much pain that denial had to have caused him. I get hurt when people don't understand me, understand what I'm trying to do, or to say. It makes perfect sense to me that Jesus would feel the same way at Peter's denial. Then, if that wasn't enough, His friend Judas. In my head, Judas was a friend of Jesus, but not as good a friend as Peter and John were. Again, one of Jesus' friends does this. And, I'm sure Jesus knew that satan had entered into Judas (see Lk 22:3) and that Judas wasn't acting of his own accord. Still that had to hurt. So, imagine all this hurt. The weight of it all. Remember last time I was talking about the depths of despair? I picture it worse than that. All that emotional pain, all that agony and still He climbs, HE CLIMBS on the cross for ME (and you and you and you). I felt awful before when I thought it was just the agony of the pain of the scourging and the crowning of thorns. The whips that drew flesh from His skin. Then, this week, I get an email reminding me of His hurt shoulder (never realized that before), and I felt so saddened, yet so loved that He climbed on the cross. Now, to think of the emotional pain that I never thought of before that just kind of makes the cross He carried that much heavier. Wow. Powerful stuff, huh? I can't stop thinking about it. How He asked for the cup to be passed. How many times do I, do we do that? Lots. But He wanted God's will, not His. Isn't it funny how most of us want God's will for ourselves as long as it aligns with our own? I know I'm that way! lol

These forty days of lent, week one down, has been nothing short of interesting. It takes me a while to realize it, but wow, has satan been trying to get at me (and you I'm sure). In fact, I spoke with my mom at great lengths today. Actually, she spoke, I listened. What!? Yes, I actual stop talking sometimes! lol She had a lot to say and as the conversation was winding down all I could think was how she was so being attack by satan. I didn't tell her this. But, I am praying that he goes away. And, as I did, he snuck the thought into my head that if he was bothering her, he wasn't bothering me. Did I want him back to bother me? And, while I want to say no...I pondered for a while and I think I decided on a yes. Not that I want to go round after round with him. Truly, I don't. But, while my mom is a spiritual person, I have something she does not. Sadly. I have friends. I have friends, gurus, and advisers. I have people to help me fight or to turn and run quickly lol. My mom and others do not have anyone to help them fight. Actually, I think I remember Father Tim saying something about not fighting the devil, so I don't need to fight actually, just realize when I'm being attacked and call on Jesus. That's what you guys can help me with :) So, for those who cannot face satan, who especially through these forty days are going to be attacked, shouldn't we stand up for them? How many times a day am I like Peter? "I love you, Lord, why do you keep asking me?" Then, when He asks me to spend time with Him, I turn away?" My Julie and I like to say that Peter is our big brother. He has helped us through many a trial and many more to come, I'm sure. But, Peter is also the perfect example of humanness. That you can love God with all your heart and still, in our humanness let Him down. But, see the ending of the story is awesome. After Jesus' resurrection, Peter is so remorseful. Not the fake "I'm sorry" but actually, gut wrenching, heart piercing, sorrow. And, Jesus knows. Jesus *knows* and He basically tells Peter to get over it, it happened and now, I've got work for you! Isn't that what He tells all of us? We are sorrowful for our sins, in what we have done and what we have failed to do (I so love that prayer) and God says, 'it's done, it's over, I have work for you.'

It's now week two of Lent. And, if the last week and all this introspection is any indication, He is working major stuff in all of us during the next two weeks. Enjoy the ride. If you are being attacked, just call on Mother Mary and she will come swiftly to your aide (from our church calendar a couple years ago

Until next time,
If you are being attacked, just call on Mother Mary and she will come swiftly to your aide (taken from our church calendar a couple years ago) :)

Love,
Me

Hey Carol...

I'm walking. Well. Actually, I don't know if what I'm doing can be considered walking. Y'know how you see those people (mainly the older ones, but some young ones) who have the walkers with the tennis balls on the bottom, and they're in their pj's and slippers and they're sliding/shuffling across the floor? They're pushing the walker and dragging their feet behind them? Yea, that's what I'm doing, only minus the walker and the pj's and the being old thing.

I've been a combination of being in the depths of despair (The Princess Bride) to having a bad case of the mean reds (Breakfast at Tiffany's) and just hiding away lock stock and barrel. So, after four weeks of avoiding God and Bob (dudes, they're one in the same...actually, three in the same that whole Trinity thing lol) and their incessant chatter of 'I'm here", "come", and "HELLOOOOOOOOO, Gina, you can run but you can't hide", I decided it was time to come home.

It started Thursday evening. I went back to the light weigh bible study. I did not want to go. I don't think that stresses it enough...I DID NOT WANT TO GO. In marriage encounter terms, you know the feeling you get when you're going home to visit family, but you really don't want to go b/c there is always family drama, and sure the food is good, and the first five minutes of seeing everyone is good but then you run outta stuff to talk about b/c you don't want to touch the sore subjects and so you dance around the elephants in the room uncomfortable and then someone either has too much to drink or nothing to drink and just likes poking bears (and elephants) and get's the ball rolling and arguments ensue and you look around you and wonder how you came out of this family so sane, relatively speaking? That feeling of dread you get in the car on the way there and the agita you get and all the deep breathing techniques in the world aren't going to help you....yea, that feeling. That's how much I didn't want to go to bible study on Thursday night.

George. George says why go if you don't want too. I tell him I needed too. I so didn't want too, but I knew that if I didn't, I would continue this downward spiral that seems to take hold of me every so often. It's black. It's black and it's cold and it's empty. It's fake smiles and I'm good how are yous? I needed to go. I needed it as a lifeline to pull me out of the lightening sand (I promise you I haven't been watching the Princess Bride, it just seems like it! lol). So, I went out of need.

And I see my Liz (Brier) there. She is so happy to see me and it was lovely seeing her. I explain to her and my Julia (Evans) how while I am glad to be there, I am not ready to be there. Not spiritually anyways. They understand and am just glad that I am there. The whole evening (it started with the drive there) I wanted to run. On the way there, I got a headache. Dude, I live SEVEN minutes away and halfway there I got a headache, but instead of turning around and going home, I popped some advil and went. Then, during the meeting, I kept having a fight or flight response. I stayed glued to my seat. It was hard, but I just figured it was the devil at work. Dude, why he bothers with me, I'll never know. Probably b/c I am such a challenge? I told him in no uncertain terms years ago that no matter what he does, he's never getting my soul. See, I know something that he doesn't. I know, I know for a fact, deep in my soul, that no matter what I do, no matter what I say, God loves me. He forgives me, b/c I am human and that gives me the freedom to learn and grow and make mistakes (lots of them). I know that God knows my heart, even when I make bad decisions. So the devil keeps trying to attack me and I keep trying to ignore him. So, this is why I stayed glued to my seat.

Then, Friday rolled around. I shuffled even more. I went to noon mass. And, as much as I like to joke with the kids, the holy water didn't burn when I put it on. And, Father Tim's homily was just for me. It was about being normal or as normal as we can be. Then, a friend from Cheddar's called and we had lunch at my beloved Cheddar's. I got to see some of my former co workers/friends that I haven't seen in a while, and the cool part was two people in particular, my Will and my Mary Lou. They gave me hugs, really tight big 'I've missed you' hugs. Not the pat on the back obligatory hugs. It was great. I felt very loved. It was a beautiful, beautiful day.

So, I made a list. A lenten list of things I'd like to change, add, remove during the coming lenten season. Y'know, can't put new wine in old wine skins thing. Me, I say forget the wine, just have a beer, but somehow, I don't think that's the point of the parable. I'm going to try to impliment the changes. While I'd like all to work, I know me, and my ocd/adhd/control freak self. I figure, I'll take the spaghetti approach. I'll throw everything against the wall and see what sticks.

So, I'm not exactly walking, but you gotta learn to crawl before you can walk. And, while I know how to walk and always stop, I look at it like I keep having to go back to rehab/physical therapy and learn how to walk all over again. So, these last two days, I'm moving my legs and shuffling. Not too bad a start.

Until next time,
What are you giving up for lent?

Love,
Me

The Great Flood of '10

Just because I watch DIY shows does not mean I am DIY handy. Just b/c my Grandpa was a jack of all trades and could fix any thing and I helped lots of times doesn't mean I can do Jack by myself.

Our dishwasher has been flooding the kitchen. Well, it started out as leaks. Little rivers. So we put a towel down under the dishwasher. This has been the norm for months. Now it's a gushing river. So, through internet searches and friends I ascertained a vague idea of how to fix it. Didn't work.

If that wasn't bad enough, the toilet downstairs kept running. I went to fix it and broke the ball thingy. So, George runs to Home Depot, on his way home, in the rain and buys the part. I fix the toilet, turn on the water, and flood the bathroom (and myself). Now, the toilet is broke, can't use the kitchen sink or the dishwasher. I am surrounded by water and my own incompetence. Lest you think I'm a total idiot and didn't call a repair man, I did that first, however, its out of our budget. Who am I kidding, we don't even have a budget. I can't afford a budget. But, I digress.

I didn't even get to the good part yet. Tomorrow is Maria's bday party with 6 girls (4 get to sleep over) with a downstairs bathroom that doesn't work and a kitchen sink that doesn't work. And, Sarah has a sleepover, no problem, until she tells me tonight, her friend is taking her home from the DOLLS function at some church on Greenville that she has to be at at 7pm. While the birthday party is in full swing and George is at his birthday present/Hockey Game (thank you to the lovely Kays :) ).

I am exhausted. Not sleeping well (hardly ever) and am waterlogged. This beats the Great Grill fiasco hands down!

Only two people ever walked on water. I am not one of them.

Until next time,
Stay dry

Love,
Me

So, I was talking to Bob this morning. Actually, I was reading emails and He decided to talk to me. When He talks, sometimes it is easy, too easy actually to ignore Him. Other days, like today, not so much.

He said to share this with all of you. It was a not so gentle reminder. I know, I am not the only one who needed reminding.

For those of you who get email updates, you will need to go to the website chrpangel.blogspot.com it is well worth it, I promise.





Until next time,
Come home.

Love,
Me

Still Running

Maria turned fourteen yesterday. It was fun with Carol and her family, the Kay's (Maria's Godparents) and Tina and her family. Today was Maria's birthday lunch. We went to Red Robin. Both George and Maria got free burgers (they're awesome burgers) so we went to the one we used to go to in Garland. It was like ten minutes from our apartment. We went the back way through Parker and Murphy to Richardson where we used to live, even drove by the apartment. Passed the kids old elementary school. It was rainy out, melancholy even. And, every time we passed the familiar, I thought in my head "there's the McDonald's we use to go to"; "I remember walking the kids home from school, boy was it hot that day"; "Wow, I can't remember how much time I spent at that Walmart!" I wasn't working then, just a stay at home mom in a small, way to small apartment and I felt closed in so I would go to Walmart. I remember feeling lonely. Even after coming to St. Jude's. I wanted to be up at church as much as possible (except at night b/c I hate driving at night. And, the 15 minute drive felt more like 25 minutes even though it wasn't). Church felt warm and inviting. Yea, I volunteered at the kids school, was on the PTA, and was the girls Girl Scout Leader (all my first year here!) The people at the school were snotty tho and everyone already knew everyone and it just wasn't a very welcoming group. But, I digress. I liked being up at church, walmart, anywhere that wasn't my stifling apartment.

Then, we moved to Allen, to be closer to St. Jude and ever since then my life has not been the same. I don't do well with snooty people and St. Jude is in very short supply on those if at all. The church was welcoming. I've made best friends and family here. I've learned about my mistakes, faced a few fears, took a few walks, went on quite a few retreats. All in all, I found myself. Not too bad a deal if you ask me.

I've been under the weather these last two weeks. Besides a bladder infection, there was a remote possibility that I was pregnant. Any glimmer of hope, you know I will glom onto it quicker than you can imagine. My wonderful doctor and I do not know why I am having pregnancy symptoms. I'm nauseated. I have a heightened sense of smell (and that is putting it mildly!) among other symptoms. Well, life happens and I now know definitively that I am not pregnant. And, as I knew would happen (b/c I am me) I am devastated. I have prayed so hard and so long for so many years (almost thirteen). Sometimes I let it go. Sometimes. But then it comes circling back around. I don't blame God. Not remotely anyways. It wasn't His choice. I had free will. I messed around with His plan and here we are. I wonder why He had Elizabeth pregnant in her old age and yet won't wave His hand over my stomach and go "woogy woogy woogy". Well, I do actually. He needed a sign I think, for Mary to let her know that He was there, to show her of the miracles that He is capable of. And, truth be told, I have seen His miracles, His works so very many times and marvel at the beauty of each one. I think maybe I hit my quota on miracles. I mean, I am one of His miracles. I wasn't even suppose to be talking (jokes on those doctors!) or hearing all that well either. My children are miracles. Each of them. George, he's like this HUGE miracle. Never saw that one coming. Not even from a foot away let alone a mile. Carol. Definitely a miracle. Mom and Dad, miracles. My sister and my relationship, miracle. My friends at St. Jude, you guessed it, miracles. So, maybe, just maybe I reached a quota. And sure He is Him and He can go over the quota if He feels like it, I just don't think He feels like it. And, truth be told, I really don't have much to complain about. I have the aforementioned miracles. George and I are gainfully employed (although permanent status for George would be awesome!) So, He doesn't want to give me another child. At some point I have to switch from He is saying "not now" to "no". I think we've hit the "no" stage and I'm just immensely sad over it. You think you know how much I wanted this child, you don't. But, I'll tell you. Not even George knows (well he will now). I spent last week writing emails to the child I will never have. Mainly how much I want them and how sorry I am for the decision that I had made so very long ago. I even went so far as to ask their forgiveness and if they could make it, could they meet me at the doctors appointment. It was only two emails. But they were poignant if I do say so myself.

Because I was under the weather, I missed two and a half days of work and I found out how much I missed being home. I also missed my bible study on Thursday nights. I'm still tired but back to work. I'm still nauseated and I still have a heightened sense of smell (driving tonight 'George, do you smell vomit?' lol) and I have no clue why. I'm still running very fast, going round and round in circles, although sometimes I do a lil zig zag maneuver just to do something different, but then come back to the same familiar, fast, circles.

Carol, I'm getting really tired of running now.

Until next time,
Count your Miracles :)
Love,
Me

Update #1387

The beginning of the new year has found me three pounds heavier, stressed, worried, back to having panic attacks, but fully covered by health insurance thanks to my job. Albeit takes my ENTIRE paycheck and then some, nevertheless, we now have health insurance and so that is a blessing in an of itself, so I am trying to focus on that.

Some really cool news today, my sister called and had some news. She has to travel to CA for her job in Feb and had a layover in Dallas for 1 1/2 hours, but then they had to change her ticket, thereby losing the layover in Dallas. The really cool part was my sister saying "I was so excited I was having a layover in Dallas so I can see you!" Yea, that totally made my year so far. She and I have been a work in progress. At one point, she and I didn't talk for years. YEARS, like FIVE (I lost count). But gradually, we've found each other again. And, my visit in August to see her on what is now dubbed the My Homecoming tour '09, really cemented our relationship. In fact, we talk every couple weeks vs. every few months. Way cool.

Tomorrow, I go back to my lightway group. I really need the group. I can't do it on my own. Even though I like to try, like all the time. I was talking with My Julie today (she is doing wonderful! Thank you all for your prayers for her!). She's awesome! And, in the course of our conversation, she lays down some heavy wisdom out of nowhere. Actually, it came from Bob. Here it is. Y'know the scripture with the five loaves and two fish (or was it two loaves and five fish?)? Well, if no one picked up the bread or the fish, the miracle couldn't happen. Sure they were blessed, but until someone took the first step and actually picked it up and broke off a piece, nothing would happen. The fish and the loaves would just remain five and two. It's only when the first step was taken that allowed the miracle to happen!

So, after we got off the phone, it really got me thinking. We all know how much I hate taking the first step, or any step for that matter (shout out to My Carol!) But how many miracles am I not allowing to happen because I am too scared and afraid to take the first step? So, I think this year (well that's a bit adventurous let's start a little smaller), this month, I will try, (key word being *try*) to take the first step (awww crap, lol). And, with My Carol and My Julie backing me (and all of you) it's worth a shot, right?

Oh! The other cool thing that happened today...I went to church to check on My Mary (she's doing well, thank you for your prayers for her too!) and in her office was My Greta. And I got to give her one of my (as she calls it) Gina hugs! I haven't seen her in FOREVER! It was so good to see her and hold her and be held by her. Greta ROCKS :)

What am I stressed about? Life. Jobs. Family. Friends (although I was told under no uncertain terms by Julie not to worry about her b/c she is fine I can go back to other prayers for her! lol she's awesome!) If prayer is so powerful, when I feel helpless (b/c unfortunately, I cannot control my friends situations or my families situations or my own situations) why does it feel like not enough? The answer escapes me.

I do know this...I am tired of running, all the time. But, I am afraid to stop.

Until next time,
Happy New Year!

Love,
Me

Love is...

...knowing you can't do anything to make it better, but trying anyway.

...leaving 99 to find the lost one.

...being there not just because you want to, or because it's the right the to do, but because your soul needs too.

Please pray for my Julie. She's in ICU at Allen Presby with a blood clot on her lungs. She is stable. Now, we just wait. Bob, take good care of our girl!

Until next time,
Pray for all of those in the hospital who have no one.

Love,
Me