A year in review

Happy New Year!!!  Welcome to 2014!

My year in review.

I spend part of the year in disappointment, feeling like a failure as a parent and partly as a child.  I was disappointed in my spiritual life and as always I'm like a little kid with her first Hershey bar, I just wanted more.

I spent part of the year afraid of change.  My dear friend quit our job (little did she know I spent the entire summer looking for a new one and the hardest thing was going to be leaving my two friends).  Then, I left my job a couple weeks later.  I was freaked out about my new job.  What if I suck at it?  What if no one likes me?  What if I can't do it?  This is what lives in my head all day, just about every day.  This is what growing up for me was like.  All the positives my mother would say on how smart I am would be drowned out by the others telling me different.  Plus, she had to say these things, she's my mom.  (To this day, she is still my biggest cheerleader and still says these things as says she doesn't have to say them because she's my mother lol).

I spent the last part of the year at my new job which I love, and who knew, my mom was right, yet again, I am smarter than I thought!  I'm still learning but that's something I love to do anyway!

I spent a lot of the year in mourning.  I miss my Mema.  It's been three years since she left me.  She was my second biggest cheerleader and she didn't have to say nice things because she's my Mema.  I missed George's mom.  It's been six years since she left me.  There are certain days when it just would catch me that she's gone.  And, I miss my mom.  Granted, she's not dead, she's alive and in Myrtle Beach, but I haven't seen her for a couple years and I miss her terribly.  She makes everything better.  

I spent a good portion of the year dealing with my panic and anxiety disorder.  I get thrown into a whirling dervish for what others see as no apparent reason.  Yes, some of them I walk right into, other's mostly are sprung on me.  

I spent part of the year thinking I was dying.  This is why my husband will not allow me on WebMd or the internet.  Smart one, he is.  See, I am afraid of dying (I know this is normal).  I am deeply, deathly afraid.  When I get an ache or a pain, I think I'm the only one whose ever had it before.  Especially, when it's in the vicinity of my heart.  Heaven forbid my left arm starts to hurt.  I have a reason to be hypocondriacish.  I was born with a cleft lip, cleft palate, club feet, umbilical hernial, a heart murmur and epilepsy.  Then in my 20's I was diagnosed with aortic insufficiency.  Apparently, I was born with it, it just went undiscovered.  Then, on my first Mother's Day, I had a TIA (transiscemic attack a mild stroke).  This one freaked me out the worst.  Have you ever tried to say something and it came out wrong?  Did you ever mispronounce a word or couldn't get the word out?  Normal, right?  Well, that's what the beginning of my TIA was like.  Now, whenever that happens, even though it's normal, I'm afraid I'm having another stroke.  Mind you, I had it almost 20 years ago.  Still, the fear is there.  So, I get these aches and pains as I'm growing older and I get scarred.  If George had a dollar for every night we went to bed and I said "please watch me" he'd be a millionaire.  

I spent another part of the year dealing with my low self esteem.  This is just about a daily battle.  Some days the demons win, some days I win.  I think at this time, we're tied.

I spent a great part of the year laughing.  It is my goal to laugh everyday.  And, with my husband and family and close friends I do!  I try to make people laugh.  It's so underrated.  I'll gladly be silly to make someone laugh.  Especially, those that are having a hard day.

I spent a good chunk of the year reading and listening to music.  I love, love, love to read!!!  And, music, don't even get me started!  Don McClean was right "music can save your mortal soul".

I spent the entire year loving.  I love.  I don't just love a little.  I love with my entire heart whether we just became friends or have been friends forever, it's something I have no control over.  I just love people.  It's pretty easy most of the time as God calls me to love people, not like them.  It's the liking part that get's me into trouble.  I don't have to like you to love you.  But, mostly, I do anyway :D

I spent the entire year blessed.  Blessed by those who came into my life, those who left, and those who are on the merry-go-round of friendship and they circled away for a while.  I have been blessed by my friends and my family and my faith.  I have been blessed through disappointment and hurt and happiness.  I have a roof over my head, food, and a job.  I spent the end of the year and the beginning of the year at the same place, Mass.  George says I can't count one Mass for both, I say I can.  I was there to celebrate the beginning of the year (and the solemnity of Mary) on the last day of the year :D lol

No matter what happened last year and no matter what happens this year, these three remain; faith, hope, and love.  But the greatest of these is love.

Happy New Year,

Until next time,

Be happy!

Love,

Me

Just a little bit more.

I like my new job.  More than like, I love my new job.  A lot.  The downside however, is it really puts a crimp in my baking, cooking, emailing, facebooking, phone calling part of my day.  This is the first year that I have not had these two weeks off of work.  I had zero time to shop for Christmas presents.  I had such grand plans for this Advent.  I wanted to have some serious me and Jesus time.  I wanted to dig into scripture.  I wanted to do baking, and I wanted to shop.  Life, however, had other plans.

For the last ten years, my Christmas is kicked off on Thanksgiving day.  My Carol and family come over and we would spend the day perusing the sales circulars for black Friday.  Then, we'd get up about four a.m. and go shopping.  We had it down to a science.  It was so awesome waiting out in the cold lines, then in the hot stores.  People were so very kind (mostly) and it started the season off wonderfully.  My new job, however, requires me to work the day after.  No home made scones by my brother-in-law for me.  No shopping till I dropped.  Just work for me.  Then, my husband left for a week for work to the land of Detroit.  No time to shop or bake.  I was too busy running the kids around and working.  See what I mean about work getting in my way! lol  Then, he came home and it was the 13th.  We finally bought our tree a couple days later.  It sat outside for almost a week.  This is NOT how I do Christmas.  I bake, a lot.  I light Advent candles.  The tree is up and trimmed way before now!  This is not my Christmas!  I had yet to buy any presents, bake, or light even one advent candle.  And, my grand plans for all that scripture?  Just a dream.  No matter what I did or tried to do, I just could not get in the Christmas Spirit.  I tried not to focus on all the stuff that wasn't going according to my plan. I have a job I love, a family I love, yada, yada, yada I still didn't have a tree up!

Then, last night, we went to Mass.  My favorite place to be.  I was with my family, minus my son.  He's constantly working.  My husband and I both texted him to let him know what Mass we were going to, but didn't know when he was coming home.  I sat in the pew and tried to let the day just wash over me.  Then, I went up for the Eucharist.  And, then, quietly, as I'm walking towards the altar, suddenly, I was awash all in Christmas spirit.  The very one that I'd been missing for weeks.  And, as we were in the parking lot leaving, we saw my son.  He made it to Mass after all.

I didn't light my advent candles even once.  Didn't write out any Christmas cards.  Didn't get my shopping done or wrapped early, nothing like usual.  Nothing like I wanted, nothing like the traditions I was use too.  And, it didn't matter.

“And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow,
stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.”

Today was spent with my big, loud, happy family enjoying the blessings that God has given us.  Each other.

Until next time,

I wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas.

Gina and the No Good, Horrible, Very Bad Week.

I had the best laid plans for this Advent.  I researched a couple different prayers, got out my Advent wreath and was so ready to go!  Life had other ideas.  I have not yet got in the Christmas spirit.  I have yet to light even one candle on my wreath and this was the worst week in the history of weeks.

First, my beloved husband had to go to Detroit for the week for work.  This isn't such a big deal to most people, but we are one of *those* couples who loves being together and are not excited about being apart. We talk often, face time, and we deal.

Second, I got just about zero help from the kids.  I had such grand plans.  All the laundry would be done, the house would be spotless, everything would be beautiful when my beloved came home.  Instead of help, (mind you, I got less than the bare minimum) I got yelled at, at one point or another, by all three kids.  Not just yelling, but screaming.  The kind of yelling that if I ever did to my parents, I would not still be on this earth.

Third, my right arm.  Something happened Wednesday to the upper part of my right arm.  I've tried advil and icy hot.  Thursday, it hurt so bad all day, it was almost worse than labor pain.  The rest of the week/weekend, it's an on and off thing.  But, it is very uncomfortable and really throws off my day!  And, my husband smartly does not let me on Webmd.  I figure I pulled or twisted something and there's nothing that will heal it but time.

Fourth, my kids.  Yes, I know I mentioned them already but let me tell you more.  Friday, my husband was coming home.  This is great!  I couldn't wait, and I had butterflies in my belly (told you we were one of *those* couples! lol)  Well, the girls had plans, and so did I.  My beloved wasn't going to be home till late.  It was our annual bunco Christmas party and I needed to be there.  Yes, I said needed not wanted.  See these women are my heart.  These women love me unconditionally.  These women have seen me at my very worst and love me anyways.  These women let me rant and rave and then laugh with me.  These women see my sense of humor and lack of a filter as a good thing (most of the time) and never say 'oh, that's just Gina'  or pass me off like I just came from a sped class.  So, after the week I had, I just needed to be there.  But, with my son working, the two girls made plans and didn't exactly make them the best way.  My beloved's flight was going to be an hour late, the girls needed rides home, and I needed to be at bunco.  I had so many panic/anxiety attacks this week and now I was in the throws of yet another one.   I call my husband because he is my rock.  He calms my anxiety and we decide that the girls are old enough, they can figure out there way home.  I call my Sheila and ask her for prayers (she an awesome prayer partner to have!) and then, the party bus arrives.  I get in and knowing I had a bad week, they let me rant and rave and just about cry.  Much needed venting was done.  Then, we arrive at bunco.  Would you believe that the girls found their way home all without me!  All the thousands of text I got that day from the two of them.  All the confusion, all the anger, all of it gone.  They survived without me and I was truly where I needed to be.

Now, with all this horrible, horrible week brought, all this attacking by the devil, all the closing and locking of the doors.  There were windows that opened on God shown through.

Wednesday was a bad day.  It was a day that I got screamed at by all three of my children.  I needed to pick one up, the other one was sleeping and wouldn't go pick her up because "I'M TIRED!"  Apparently, as mom's we're not allowed to get tired.  I'm fighting a migraine and loosing and am about to cry, but that would blur my vision and not help my head.  I just talked to God.  "Dad, do you see all of this!"  "What am I suppose to do!"  "I'm at my wits end here!"  "HELP!".  Then, my phone rings and it's my Carol.  "How are you?"  she asks.  Not content with my I'm fine, she persists and I let everything flow out of me about what a horrible day I'm having.  She, being nothing sort of amazing, just listens and loves me and makes me feel better.  Then, when I arrive home, Yeller number two apologizes!  Wow!  Way to go, God!

Work was awesome.  Aside from my arm hurting and making it difficult to use, work was the one thing that didn't go haywire this week.  I got to learn different things in another department and I love learning so it was awesome.

I was reminded that it is okay to have time for me.  Even if it's when the kids need me.  They can actually take care of themselves.  I was reminded that I am loved.  Something I tend to forget regularly.

I can happily say that a great time was had by all and that my beloved is home safe and sound.  While my arm is still hurting more on than off, and I had a horrible week, I still can count my blessings and there are always too many to count.  Thank you 8.5 lb baby Jesus!

Until next time,
Don't be to hard on yourself.

Love,
Me

Update

This has to be a first for me, not blogging for a whole month, but I was in hiding.

Why was I hiding?  That's something I really don't want to share.  However, what I did learn in hiding is that Carol always finds me, Tina holds my hand while I hide, and no one can do things like me, because they aren't me.  I'm trying to find a balance between what I want to be and what is and is not going to change.  This is very difficult for both my head and my heart.

Tomorrow starts week nine of my new job.  I am still loving it and finally getting the hang of it.  I've made a couple friends who I really, really like.  I'm very thankful for my new job and my new friends.

That is all I've got.
Until next time,
Happy Advent
Love,
Me

Aaron, Hur, and Me

Some days at Mass, my mind wanders.  Some days, I'm truly present and can hear and comprehend absolutely every word.  Yesterday, was a mix of both.

The first reading, from Exodus I was truly present for.  Then, I was gone.  I spent the rest of the Mass thinking about that reading.  See, Moses was fighting a battle (aren't we all fighting some kind of battle every day?).  As long as he had his arms raised.  As long as he did this, they were winning.  When his arms grew tired and he put them down, they weren't winning so much as losing.  So, his brother Aaron and a friend named Hur found  a rock for Moses to sit on and hold his hands up.  Then, when Aaron's arms got too heavy, Aaron and Hur held his arms up.  Each on one side.  Spoiler alert, they win the battle.

Here's what struck me.  Just because your family doesn't mean you're going to help each other out.  Heck a lot of families don't even talk to each other (see my entire life up to this point if you don't believe me).  Then, there's the friend Hur.  To me, he represents the friends that become family.  Who else, but someone who loves you would take on such a task?  Okay, okay, so you're sitting there thinking "all they did was hold up his arms.  Moses had the hard part".  Well, let's look at this shall we?

Moses was sitting on a rock.  And with his arms raised, they had to be as high as Aaron and Hur's chest, if not higher.  Have you ever been to a prayer group where you hold hands in a circle?  Some people in chairs, some on the floor?  You're hands are all different heights.  You're supporting each other.  You look for ways to lean your arm on your leg.  And, sometimes you ask God to hold your arms up because they're just too heavy (instead of rushing the prayer along.  Never, ever, rush the prayer along.  It's a truly beautiful moment!).  I imagine that's what Aaron and Hur felt like.  Holding someone up is never easy.  It's not suppose to be.  Look at my favorite parable about the guy on the mat who gets lowered down from the roof.  His friends carried him on his mat.  Then lowered him.  This was a full grown man!  I'm sure he weighed more than a sac of potatoes.  So, I spent most of yesterday pondering on Aaron and Hur.  Did they hold up Moses' arms because he told them too?  Because they were his friends and family?  Because it was expected of them?  I think it's mostly all of them.  I think it has to do with their love for God and for Moses.

Change is never easy.  Unless it is happening to someone else.  Sometimes, it's very easy to support my friends and the choices that they make.  It's easy to say "it'll be okay!" when unwanted change happens to them.  It's when unwanted change happens to me that I get snippy.  Sometimes, however, there comes a situation where I cannot help my friends or my family.  I cannot lift up their hands.  I cannot lower them down from the roof.  I am helpless.  I hate the feeling of helplessness.  I can't fix it.  So, I love.  I lavish them with more love.  I hold their hand, hug them and sometimes just sit and be with them and pray.   How cool is it that Moses had Aaron and Hur to hold him up during this battle?

I have a small, close knit group of friends who hold each other up in much the same way as Moses was held up.  And, like I mentioned last post, being one of low self-esteem, it is wonderful to know that I have my small circle of friends to count on.

Until next time,
Give your friend a hug.

Love,
Me

Still learning...

So, I've been at my new job for over a week.  I'm still liking it.  Of course, it's what I call the honeymoon phase of any new job.  The first six months.  Everything is new and challenging.  After six months, will the days still fly by?  Will I still love it?  We just have to wait, but I'm suspecting the answer will be a yes :D

I've been learning a lot about myself lately.  When it comes to myself, I'm a low self esteem Debby Downer. I don't know why.  Call it crap from my childhood (which is weird because in my late teens and my 20's I was awesome and could do anything, just ask me!) or daddy issues.  I feel I am nothing special.  Now, don't get me wrong, my mom has told me for years how special I am.  How smart I am.  But she's my mom, she has to say it.  Then, there's my husband.  He says the same as my mom.  He has to say it.  Then there are my friends.  They have to say it, they're my friends.  Then, there's God.  He has to say it, he's my Dad.  He's suppose to believe in me no matter what.

Last week, my first official week at my new job, was a lot of work.  And, from what I hear, it will take about two months to grasp everything until it becomes habit because there's such a plethora of information.  It's a lot of numbers (my favorite, actually.  Little known fact, I love math.  Basic math.  I love it and it makes me happy.  Algebra was was best subject.  Although, I've forgotten just about all of it. lol).  It's a lot to take in, but I'm getting there.  One day last week I told my husband and my mom how it was the first time in a while I actually felt smart.  Both of them lamented that they've been telling me that for years.  See, my problem is I don't think I'm anything special.  I'm no different than you.   Everything I can do, you can do.  But on the flip side, everything you can do, I cannot.  I have a ton of friends who are runners.  They run marathons, they run 5ks, they run laps.  Me, I run to the store or the fridge.  I have an easy out, I have arthritis in my knees.  I really can't run.  Trust me, almost two years ago, I did boot camp religiously.  I had to run, it was not pretty. I have friends who home school.  Yea, I am so not cut out for that.  But, you get the idea, everything I can do you can do.  Everything you can do, I cannot.  My husband and my mom put a little chink in my armor this weekend.  Apparently, not everyone can do my new job.  That's why they hired me.  Apparently, not everyone can do everything I can do.  Huh.  That's a little interesting.  As of right now, it's a little chink in the armor.  Some day, who knows, maybe the armor will be gone all together?

The one thing I do know about myself, the one thing I love about myself is that I love.  I love deeply, greatly, and unconditionally.  And, I love you!

Until next time,
Give yourself a hug from me.  And, remember God and I think you're pretty special!

I Am My Beloved's and My Beloved is Mine

Well, I've officially survived my first week at my new job!!!  It's a lot of learning new stuff and I like that.  I'm using my brain more instead of having it on auto-pilot which is good.  The drawback however is at the end of the week, I've had  a headache for two days.  Kind of like studying hard for a test and your head hurts afterwards.

I'm learning to adjust to little things, like an hour for lunch (bonus!), my own mini office (i.e. cubicle), getting to have lunch with my husband during the week (bonus #2!), and being tired from my new work schedule from 8-5.  But, I love it.  I love the challenge of learning something new.  I love that I'm not an admin like I use to be, that I'm an actual cog in the wheel.  I feel like a full fledged grown up!  But, not to worry, my inner child still and always will rule!

While I am excited to go back to work tomorrow, I'm even more excited because it's one of my favorite days of the year (I have lots of favorite days of the year).  This one has to be in the top two.  It's the 13th anniversary of my wedding to my guardian angel, George!  For those of you who don't know, I call him my guardian angel because God sent him when I needed him most and I didn't even know I needed him.  Funny how that's changed.  I know, daily, how much I need him.  While God is the rock and portion forever, my husband is my rock here on earth.  Things have changed in our 13 years of marriage.  He's changed.  I've changed.

I grew up watching Cinderella.  It was my favorite movie as a kid.  That and Funny Girl.  I spent the better part of my teens and twenties looking for a prince to come rescue me.  What my beloved Disney classic doesn't show you is Cinderella paying bills.  Cinderella with kids.  Cinderella with her friends.  Her Prince comes and marries her.  The end.  However, her end, was just my beginning.  God sent me George.  And, having the most beautiful wedding, I was now ready to live happily ever after and ride into the sunset.  My life is now complete.  Funny, no?  Six months after our marriage, George experience the first of a few layoffs. Like any couple, occasionally, we'd argue.  I'd argue to win.  No matter the cost.  It was about winning, not about my husband's feelings.  We've moved across country away from our families and to Kansas.  This is where I began to grow up.  Yes, I was now in my thirties, but hey we each grow at our own pace!  I learned to rely on my husband.  That he was more than a Prince in a suit.  That he was my friend, my best friend and my biggest supporter.  I learned to lean on him.  Then we moved to Texas.  Now, you know that's love when a girl from the 'burgh will move to cowboy territory! lol  Here, I have grown exponentially.  I've grown in friendship with others.  I've learned to be a friend and how to accept friendships.  Okay, so I still hold my friendships with a tight grasp, what can I say, I love them all.  I grew exponentially in my faith.  I'm not born again.  I was baptized Catholic and it wasn't till I was thirty-five that I started to 'get' it.  That's when I like to say my light was turned on.  Growing in my faith, I was blessed to watch my husband's faith grow as well.  And, in the growing of our faith, so did our marriage.  It's been eons since I've fought to win.  We rarely argue, being so close to being of one mind and one body.  Sure, we disagree occasionally, but we've learned (or rather I've learned) the art of compromise.  

While I am not perfect, I am perfectly human.  I have learned a lot about myself that I'd never would have known if it wasn't for my husband.  He's so strong and smart.  He's the analytic one with his feet firmly planted on the ground.  Me, I'm the dreamer.  The one who doesn't just have my head in the clouds, but my whole body as well, soaring, flying.  When need be, I bring my beloved up in the clouds with me, and likewise, when needed, he plants my feet firmly on the ground next to him.  Our marriage has been nothing but a blessing to me, everyday.  My husband not only continues to make me feel loved and heard and respected.  He makes me feel *cherished*, something I never even knew I could feel.

Being married to George, we laugh all the time.  Every day in fact.  We joke, we kid, we love, we pray.  We don't just love each other, we actually like each other and that's a good thing.  So, on the eve of our thirteenth anniversary, I want to wish my beloved most happy anniversary with many, many, many more to come.

I love you, Gus.  Always.

Until next time,

Pray for your spouse

Love,

Me