Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Hadassah, Genie and Andy Grammer

I have so much to tell you.  I have so much I want to share.  And, every night when I lay my head down to sleep, everything I want to tell you comes rushing into the forefront of my head and everything from the day, or week, or month just floods me.  Now, when I sit down to tell you of it all notsomuch, lol.

I've been at war with myself as of late.  I'm sure I cannot be the only one who has done this.  My spiritual side and my human side and my emotional side (I guess I am a triangle?) battle.  There is so much going on with the kids, with both my jobs, with getting the house ready to sell, to the whole accident mess, including, but not limited to my physical therapy which I have today.  What is a floundering, spiritual girl to do?  Well, hiding doesn't work.  People find me.  And, truth be told, it is a beautiful feeling when people don't let you hide.  Selfishly, it means, to me anyway, that I was missed.  And, that makes me feel loved.  So, hiding didn't work, so, I sought out those much, much, much wiser than I.  A few weeks ago, I was lamenting to one of my SA's (Spiritual Advisors).  She recommended I read the Mark of the Lion series and a couple other books.  When I asked her which one I should start with, she said with everything going on in my life, I should start with A Voice in the Wind.  So, I did.

First off, the first sixish chapters made me want to stab myself in the ear with a pen.  My SA said "keep going, it get's better" and it did.  In this book, I found who I want to be.  Sometimes, I feel like my relationship with God was that of someone who finds a lamp with a genie inside.  I would rub the lamp and then I would tell God what I would like Him to do and then back in the lamp he would go.  And, in the beginning of the book I truly felt this way.  Then, I felt, well ashamed.  I took a look back at my relationship with Him and yes, some of them were genie moments.  Then, I kept reading and reading and I devoured the books, all three of them.  And, what I learned is that I don't treat God like a genie.  I treat Him like He truly is, my dad.  This woman, Hadassah, has so much faith it's amazing.  She questions God.  Her prayers are conversations and lots and lots of questions.  She doesn't always do as God wants her too either.  The more I read, the more I could see the similarities in her and I.  However, she is so much braver and faithful and cooler than I could ever hope to be.  Then, I really got to thinking.  Mainly about the saints.  They struggled, a lot.  No one has the answers.  I always thought I had it down when talking to God/Dad.  I'm not one of those Thou and Hast people.  I'm all Dude or Dad when I talk to Him, and I still am.  I would just talk to Him.  Some days it was in thanksgiving for things as little as a sunrise (as if that could be conceived little!) or as big as watching over my family during the accident.  But, when I would walk in the valley it would be lots of 'why me's'? and prayers to get me out.  After reading A Voice in the Wind, I came to the conclusion that no one has the answers.  That I can be like Hadassah.  My prayers have changed slightly.  When I talk to Dad, it is not just from my heart and for others and myself, I pray from my soul.  I found solace in some Psalms and prayers.  And in these Psalms and prayers, I have realized, like the saints, it is okay to flounder.  My cries never go unheard.  That my conversations with God are a prayer in and of themselves.  And, all the bumper sticker quotes from the bible that I love are nothing if I don't put them into action.  Sure, I can tell you I can do all things through Christ who strengthen me.  It is another to believe that with all my heart AND soul.

Where does that leave me now?  Well, after stress came confusion.  I'm still somewhat confused and I'm confident that I will remain in my state of confusion until I die.  I don't think I'll ever understand it all.  But I am blessed with moments of clarity.  And, while I still have many questions (at what point do you go from having a servants heart to being a doormat?), I will always have questions.  I know that God has a plan (I just threw up a little lol I hate that saying) and I know He knows what I need.  He hears my cries.  He's got this.  I really, really need to quit getting in His way.  So, now, today starts another morning in the eye of what is my hurricane.  But, like Andy Grammer tell me, I'll keep my head up.  God's got this and I've got pt (ick).

Until next time,
Read a Voice in the Wind by Francene Rivers!!!!