Thursday, July 28, 2016

Abide With Me.

I knew it was a while since I last posted, but almost a year?  Wow, that was a bit shocking.  I promise, I won't stay away so long again.

For as much as things have changed this past year they have stayed the same.  My weight (ugh), my patience (or lack thereof), and my heart (still loves deeply).  I spent the last year letting go.  I let go of familial relationships that only serve to hurt me.  That have never built me up.  I finally had enough of chasing parked cars, of wishing things were different.  I was tired of the phone only going one way.  I finally said to myself that I matter and just because I was born into this group of people does not mean I have to stay there.  That I can choose me.  So, I did.  At first, it was jarring, the day after Christmas when I realized the card never came.  Then again, after my birthday this year when I realized the same thing.  And you know what?  I'm still here.  I still matter and while slightly hurt, I am happy.  They say God provides what you need and boy does He, in big ways.  While I don't have the familial relationships (except for my Mom, God bless my Mom), He gave me a Dad in my father-in-love.  I have had the pleasure of knowing him for 18 years and being his daughter-in-law for 16 (in October).  After going through Christ Renews His Parish 12 years ago, He gave me a big sister in my Carol.  My bunco group (the Happy, Hugging, Holy Bunco Group thank you) are my family.  Sometimes we argue (with that many women, it happens.  Rarely, but it happens) but we protect, love, and serve each other.  We fight fiercely for each other and woe to the person who hurts one in our group!  And, my OLA sisters.  I spent the last nine months with these women.  And I love them all.  There is an unexplained bonding that happens when you spend nine months with someone let alone 20 women.  These women are more than  church friends, they are my heart.

Sure, sometimes I get jealous when I see a familial bond that I don't have, but at the same time, I know God has provided more family for me than I could ever have hoped.

My baby boy grew up this spring.  He has a great job, a lovely girlfriend, and a place of their own.  It happened rather unexpectedly, the moving out.  I was unprepared.  It hurt.  A lot.  But watching him grow and mature has been a joy to watch.

I no longer have kids in high school.  My two girls are in college and living at home.  I'm okay with that.  I like to tell them "I can't miss you if you never leave" but I am happy they are still here.  They'll leave when they're ready and I'm okay with that.

Big Daddy as always is my rock.  Loving someone with anxiety, panic, depression, and low self esteem isn't easy but he sure makes it look like it is.  He is such a great source of support.  He takes such good care of our family and is truly a gift from God.

I love that no matter how I change, the people that God has blessed me with, stay.  They love me even at my most unlovable times.  That, people, is love.  The forgive me, they mentor me, they challenge me, they guide me.  They abide with me.  And I, with them.

I am #oneblessedgirl.