Wednesday, January 1, 2014

A year in review

Happy New Year!!!  Welcome to 2014!

My year in review.

I spend part of the year in disappointment, feeling like a failure as a parent and partly as a child.  I was disappointed in my spiritual life and as always I'm like a little kid with her first Hershey bar, I just wanted more.

I spent part of the year afraid of change.  My dear friend quit our job (little did she know I spent the entire summer looking for a new one and the hardest thing was going to be leaving my two friends).  Then, I left my job a couple weeks later.  I was freaked out about my new job.  What if I suck at it?  What if no one likes me?  What if I can't do it?  This is what lives in my head all day, just about every day.  This is what growing up for me was like.  All the positives my mother would say on how smart I am would be drowned out by the others telling me different.  Plus, she had to say these things, she's my mom.  (To this day, she is still my biggest cheerleader and still says these things as says she doesn't have to say them because she's my mother lol).

I spent the last part of the year at my new job which I love, and who knew, my mom was right, yet again, I am smarter than I thought!  I'm still learning but that's something I love to do anyway!

I spent a lot of the year in mourning.  I miss my Mema.  It's been three years since she left me.  She was my second biggest cheerleader and she didn't have to say nice things because she's my Mema.  I missed George's mom.  It's been six years since she left me.  There are certain days when it just would catch me that she's gone.  And, I miss my mom.  Granted, she's not dead, she's alive and in Myrtle Beach, but I haven't seen her for a couple years and I miss her terribly.  She makes everything better.  

I spent a good portion of the year dealing with my panic and anxiety disorder.  I get thrown into a whirling dervish for what others see as no apparent reason.  Yes, some of them I walk right into, other's mostly are sprung on me.  

I spent part of the year thinking I was dying.  This is why my husband will not allow me on WebMd or the internet.  Smart one, he is.  See, I am afraid of dying (I know this is normal).  I am deeply, deathly afraid.  When I get an ache or a pain, I think I'm the only one whose ever had it before.  Especially, when it's in the vicinity of my heart.  Heaven forbid my left arm starts to hurt.  I have a reason to be hypocondriacish.  I was born with a cleft lip, cleft palate, club feet, umbilical hernial, a heart murmur and epilepsy.  Then in my 20's I was diagnosed with aortic insufficiency.  Apparently, I was born with it, it just went undiscovered.  Then, on my first Mother's Day, I had a TIA (transiscemic attack a mild stroke).  This one freaked me out the worst.  Have you ever tried to say something and it came out wrong?  Did you ever mispronounce a word or couldn't get the word out?  Normal, right?  Well, that's what the beginning of my TIA was like.  Now, whenever that happens, even though it's normal, I'm afraid I'm having another stroke.  Mind you, I had it almost 20 years ago.  Still, the fear is there.  So, I get these aches and pains as I'm growing older and I get scarred.  If George had a dollar for every night we went to bed and I said "please watch me" he'd be a millionaire.  

I spent another part of the year dealing with my low self esteem.  This is just about a daily battle.  Some days the demons win, some days I win.  I think at this time, we're tied.

I spent a great part of the year laughing.  It is my goal to laugh everyday.  And, with my husband and family and close friends I do!  I try to make people laugh.  It's so underrated.  I'll gladly be silly to make someone laugh.  Especially, those that are having a hard day.

I spent a good chunk of the year reading and listening to music.  I love, love, love to read!!!  And, music, don't even get me started!  Don McClean was right "music can save your mortal soul".

I spent the entire year loving.  I love.  I don't just love a little.  I love with my entire heart whether we just became friends or have been friends forever, it's something I have no control over.  I just love people.  It's pretty easy most of the time as God calls me to love people, not like them.  It's the liking part that get's me into trouble.  I don't have to like you to love you.  But, mostly, I do anyway :D

I spent the entire year blessed.  Blessed by those who came into my life, those who left, and those who are on the merry-go-round of friendship and they circled away for a while.  I have been blessed by my friends and my family and my faith.  I have been blessed through disappointment and hurt and happiness.  I have a roof over my head, food, and a job.  I spent the end of the year and the beginning of the year at the same place, Mass.  George says I can't count one Mass for both, I say I can.  I was there to celebrate the beginning of the year (and the solemnity of Mary) on the last day of the year :D lol

No matter what happened last year and no matter what happens this year, these three remain; faith, hope, and love.  But the greatest of these is love.

Happy New Year,
Until next time,
Be happy!