Yes, I know it's been a while. Depression is like that.
I could tell you how over the last ten months how my life has been affected by cancer. No, not me, two people I love dearly. I could tell you how I watched my last child graduate and how that broke something inside of me. I could tell you how I watch my husband go to work everyday at a job he loves and is respected and appreciated and how envious I am. I could tell you how since my last post, I've had bronchitis. Twice. I could tell you how I've cut toxic people out of my life and how while it's very freeing, part of me feels bad about it. I could tell you how I'm in menopause and it is just like being pregnant, except you don't get a cute baby at the end. I could tell you how in an office full of people, I feel alone. I could tell you that while I promote how healthy it is to ask for help from your friends, I do not practice what I preach. How do you ask a friend to hold you while you cry and you don't know why you are crying?
No. I am going to tell you none of that. I'm going to tell you that today is a bittersweet day for me. Five years ago today, one of the greatest loves of my life, my Mema died. She left me. She had no right. I needed her then, and I need her still. Yes, I am selfish, this is not news. I know she's happy, I know she's in heaven. I'm happy she's not in pain. I *know* all of that. I also know that I belong with her and she belongs with me. I know that some days it feels like yesterday since she's been gone and others, it feels like decades. I hate that she left me. I hate that she left me here alone. Without her. Without her laughter. Without her joy. Without her music. Without.
Yes. I know I'm blessed. I know all these things. But, if you know anything about me, you know how fiercely I love. Not just with my whole heart, but with my soul. That's why when season friends leave, it cuts me to the quick. That's why I feel so helpless when I cannot help those around me. That's why I hold so close my family and my bunco sisters.
So today, I will be sad. Today I will cry. And, today, like everyday, I will love, especially all of you.
Until next time,
Say a prayer that my friends parents house sells.