Tuesday, August 31, 2010

I know it's been way too long since I last posted.  I could give you about ten different reasons or excuses if you want them.  Just email me and I'll give them to you.

Sunday's are still hard.  I'm guessing they're gonna be hard for the foreseeable future.  No, I don't know how many, you can't rush grief.  I am learning however, that you can fake that you're fine.  I've gotten so good during the week, that it's almost as if Mema hasn't died.  Chalk it up as business from back to school, back to JYM, back to work.  Even when I come home from work and have that hour and a half to myself of quiet, my mind is thinking 'what's for dinner'?  'Who has what tonight'? etc.  But, come Sunday's, there is no hiding.  Especially, at Mass.  Sunday's amidst the laundry, meals, and Mass, somewhere in there I get smacked by a wall (no, I don't run into one, I get smacked by one).  Realization once again hits and the breath rushes out of me and all that I have been subconsciously hiding comes flooding to the surface and my heart breaks all over again.  This is not fun, but something I've come to accept.

Work has started back up.  I can honestly say I am enjoying it more than last year, and we're only in our second week.  I really like the people (most of them) that I work with and that makes it fun!  As a side note, I'm back to selling Pampered Chef!  I'm excited about it!  I really missed it!  I figure I'll mostly be doing catalog shows and a few fundraisers with the occasional regular show thrown in.  So, be prepared, you might be getting an email to host a catalog show, even if you live out of state, lol.

I'm sure there's more I can tell you, I just can't remember it now.  It's the mental byproduct of having three teenagers, lol.  I just wanted to let you know that I am here, I haven't gone anywhere.  At least physically anyway.  I try to go somewhere in my head everyday.  Enjoy your day and know that I love you :D

Until next time,
Pray for my friend Lori, please :D


Sunday, August 8, 2010


I sincerely dislike Sunday's as of late, say oh, the last four weeks.  And, the weird part is I always forget that I dislike them until they are here.  Take for instance today.  I wake up and feel blah.  There is an overcast to my mood.  As my eyes open, before any words are spoken, I remember, four weeks today, that Mema passed.  During the week I'm okay, well, mostly okay.  But there is just something about Sunday's now.  I really, *really* miss Mema and, that's okay. 

This evening, we all go to the 5pm Mass.  This is my favorite Mass.  And, as the Mass begins, I am happy to be in my Home.  I feel less blah.  But, as the Mass progresses, I feel Mema.  Or rather, I feel the loss of Mema.  Deeply.  I know, when I am safe, in my Home (church) when I am celebrating with all the Angels, I *know* she is there with me.  Today was just a little different.  I met Jesus in Mass today.  Sure, He's with me everyday, but I actually *met* Him.  It's greeting your neighbor during church time and I turn around and there He is.  His shirt is something like I've seen Him wear in pictures.  His hair is shorter, a little below His chin length, no facial hair, but it is Him.  At first, I really don't think anything of this, until it is time for the sign of peace.  I turn around and shake His hand and we look directly into each others eyes, and I knew.  His smile, His eyes (they were the most beautiful blue) looked right through me and His smile told me everything was going to be okay.  He smiled at me like only a brother could when comforting His little sister.  As I turned around I heard Dad tell me "I am with you always" and I thought 'how funny is it that I always seem to forget that'.  I'm sure you guys might have seen Him, and I'm sure He looked just like a normal person to you.  Maybe that's because He was just there for me today.  All I know is it was the most beautiful thing I have experienced in such a very, very, long time.

Does all this mean that I'm over Mema's death?  Not hardly.  It's just a beautiful reminder that everything is going to be okay, eventually.  It's like this, you know how you know your friends/spouse love you?  You don't question it, you know they're there if you ever need them; then out of the blue one day, the remind you "hey, you know I'm here if you need me, right?" And, just that solidification of what you already knew makes you feel better?  Yea, it's like that.

My Carol is gone.  She's on her yearly vacation to visit her beautiful family up north.  Yes, we still keep in contact.  Contrary to what many would like to think, I'm sure, getting away from me isn't that easy! lol  No, Carol and I are a part of each other.  We could be far away geographically, but we are always together.  Don't get me wrong, I miss her, and the kids, and I feel like part of me is missing.  But, I just wanted to let her know, that I am walking, albeit a bit slowly, but walking nonetheless.

My Julie is getting so much stronger!  And, I got to see her this week and that makes me *so* happy!  She brings me such joy!

My Sharon is doing well too!  Oh, how I miss her!  She is the epitome of true friendship.  Even though she is miles and miles and miles away in my beloved Steeler Country, she is only a phone call or an email or text away.  It doesn't matter if I'm calling to say "hi" or complain she is there, she is awesome!

Ahhh, my newest my.  My Alyssa, the woman is a walking inspiration.  Always a smile for everyone.  I am so enjoying our growing friendship.  She is SO funny!  She makes me laugh!  And, have you seen her smirk?  It's hysterical!  I think she saves it for me it's awesome!

So, sure, I dislike Sunday's for now, and that's okay.  My Dad understands.  He gives me everything I need to walk this path...my George, my beloved friends, even His son at Mass.  I don't have all the answers, heck, I don't even know what some of the questions are.  All I know is that I have to keep walking, and walk I shall.

Until next time,
Continue to pray for healing for My Julie, and healing for her mom, Kathy. And, a safe trip home for My Carol.


Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Rock the boat (don't rock the boat baby)

Yes, I know it's been a while.  Forgive me, life has just been hectic.  But, I am here, at 1:14 AM and as I was trying to go to sleep, I started writing my blog in my head (as I so often do).  But instead of falling asleep only to wake up going "what did I want to say again?"  I figured, "hey, I'm already up, so let's do this".

Sunday, my friend had a mass said for Mema.  I knew this going into the mass.  I've been doing pretty well.  I've even gone so far as to tell George "I think everything is going to be okay.  I think I'm going to be okay."  HA HA HA HA HA!  When they are about to announce the mass intention, I start to silently cry.  Then, Fr. Tim announces it and I cry more.  Then, during communion I pretty much silently loose it.  As I'm praying after communion God says to me "You know, you're not as okay with this as you say you are."  I tell Him I know, and to please, please don't tell George.  lol  I don't want George to worry.  Yea, I told George this after we got home from mass.

Then, tonight was another mass for my Mema.  And, I'm there next to Catherine Underwood (fabulous lady), Lisa Ryan (gives ahhhhhhmazing hugs), and my Alyssa Barreneche.  And, as we are standing, saying the Our Father, my hands linked to Alyssa's, Lisa's, and Cat's (by association of break dance moves), I am in awe of the three that are standing with me.  I am in awe b/c a year ago, I didn't know these people (well, that's not totally true.  I knew who Cat was, but didn't really *know* her).  Oh, how my life has changed in a mere year.  How blessed I felt to be holding hands with these amazing women and praising our God!  I don't know what I did to deserve such blessings as these ladies.  They are such gifts to me.

During the homily, Fr. Tuan tells us to go back later to meditate.  The reading was Matt 14:22-36.  He repeated it...frequently. lol  I'll save you time looking it up.  It's when Peter walked on water for like, five seconds and Jesus said to Him "you big dummy (ala Fred Sanford).  Where'd all your faith go?  I'm right here!"  Technically, it's a lot more scriptural than that, I was just paraphrasing.  lol  The point is Peter didn't loose sight of Jesus as he was walking toward Him.  No.  The winds began to blow and that scared Peter and his faith wavered and then he started to sink.  He then asked Jesus to save him, and of course, Jesus did.  In fact, He stretched out his hand and pulled him up.  This is what I've been pondering on today.  Especially, as I was laying in bed ready to go to sleep.  We are all Peter (he's the bestest big brother E V E R, just ask me and my Julie!).  We're all in our own boats.  We all want to walk to Jesus (water or not) but when the wind blows and our boat starts to rock, we get scared.  We get anxious.  Trust me, I have some very close friends who, like me, are anxious.  I think we should start a support group at St. Jude's lol.  (side note:  one of my fav parts of the mass is after the Our Father when Fr. Tim (or Tuan) says "and protect us from all anxiety".  I'm pretty sure God put that in there for us.)  But, I digress.  If we remembered that Jesus goes before us always, that He's always there (truly He is), would we be so anxious all the time?  I'm hoping not.  See, even if the boat is rocking and the wind is blowing, Jesus has our hands.  You could even say we're 'in the hands of the Father' (shout out to all my chrp five sistas!!!).  We just have to hold on tight!

Today was a special day.  My package arrived from my mom and it had stuff in it all from my Mema.  Three boxes of our favorite tea, Salada tea.  What can I say, I'm a tea snob.  I was raised on it, and you can't get it here in Texas.  It's way better than that Lipton or Tetley crap, lol.  It held my Mema's blue robe.  It's blue terrycloth and so old, that I have toilet paper thicker than the robe! lol  Parts of it are sewn together.  I immediately put it on.  Then, there was my Grandpa's windbreaker.  I put that on top of the robe.  Mema's favorite earrings and other various jewelry items were in there.  And finally, pictures.  I think, my favorite one was of my Grandpa years before I was even thought of, that one, and the one of my mom, Mema, and aunt and uncle from July 4 this year.  The hard thing was she was so happy in the picture and seven days later, she was gone.  And, as I sat in her robe, all I could think was "three weeks ago, you were wearing this"  That was sad.  But, it's all going to be okay.

Prayer requests!  Please pray for safe travel for all those going to see Fr. Corapi this weekend in San Antonio!  Please continue to pray for Kathy Metevier (my friend and my Julie's mom) for healing.  For my Julie for continued healing, and for a friends Grandmother who is nearing the end of her journey for a peaceful and happy death.  And, finally, for all the intentions in my heart that I cannot list here.

Until next time,
Rock on with your bad self!
Seriously, it's from the song (don't rock the boat) it's at the end, I promise! lol