Thursday, May 26, 2011

I will hold my hand out to you, speak the peace you long to hear

There's something special about hands.

I can be a bit eccentric, this is not news to most people.  But there's something I just love about hands.  Not just any hands mind you.  I don't sit and ogle people's hands, how they look, could they be hand models and that kind of stuff.  No, I like certain hands.

I like when George holds my hand.  We'll be out and about, could be Kroger's or church or another store.  But, George always holds my hand.  And, for some reason, I always marvel at it.  I take it for granted that that hand is always going  to be there, God willing.  That his hand, which is bigger than mine and stronger than mine, holds my small one so tenderly.  It's not even the holding of my hand as much as it is the fact that he reaches for my hand.  It's a simple little gesture that makes me feel immensely loved.  His hand reaches for mine and offers me support as I'm walking stairs (up or down) or just plain walking (I am not coordinated lol).  My hand rests in his as we watch television or go for a walk.  I like my husbands hands.

I like when my kids hold my hand.  Sure, they're teenagers now.  And, it still surprises me, when out in public, my 17 yr old son reaches for my hand, not being phased if any of his friends are around.  His hand used to be so small in mine.  Now, it is almost as big as his dad's, and mine feels so small in his.

I have a close girlfriend and sometimes we hold hands as we walk.  It makes me feel like I'm six years old as we giggle and tell each other our secrets.  It makes me feel loved.

Father Tim said something years ago about death.  I'm not sure if it was at a funeral Mass or not.  But he said something along the lines of how we, people, on our death bed, look for a hand to hold almost as if to know we are not alone.  Of course, I'm paraphrasing here.  But like a lot of stuff  Father Tim says, that stayed with me.

Seven years ago, I attended a Christ Renews His Parish retreat.  Each retreat weekend has a name.  The one I attended was In the Hands of the Father.  So hands seem to have always been something special for me.  While I know God is always there for me to hold my hand, sometimes, I just need the physical hand holding from Him.  And, He gives it to me in the form of you, my friends.

Until next time,

I wish you beautiful days and starry nights.
I wish you wrongs so you may celebrate the rights.
I wish you sweet dreams and blessings untold.
I wish you love and  a hand to hold.


Wednesday, May 11, 2011

pine cones, cheese, and forgiveness

I really don't know what's going on lately.  What I can tell you is that I'm so irritable lately that I could just pull all my hair out.  Why am I so irritated?  Good question.

Dad's visit came and went rather quickly.  It was a short visit with a whirlwind of activity before and during.  Two kids bdays before, and confirmation and Mother's Day while he was here.  He looked so good and it makes my heart so happy to have him so close instead of all the way home.  Mother's Day was beautiful.  I had my annual Mother's Day brunch with my Carol and our families.  It may not mean much to some people, but for me, spending that morning with Carol just fills me with joy.

I've notice lately, that my bs tolerance is low.  This makes being my cheerful self quite a bit difficult.  I've been in situations lately where I would love to stop biting my tongue and just let the devil speak for me.  But then, that's not who I am called to be.  And, truth be told, sometimes, being who you are called to be sucks major pine cones.  It reminds me of the scene from You've Got Mail...Meg Ryan is all excited to say what she wanted to say at the moment she wanted to say it but then remorse inevitably followed.  That's how I feel lately.  I don't want the remorse, so I just bit my tongue.  Which in turn causes me to become introverted. and just stay in my head.  Not having a brain to mouth filter usually isn't so bad.  However, in times like these, I need to stay in my head lest something sneak by the nonexistent filter.  To most people, I'm sure this doesn't sound like a bad thing.  However, to me it is.  I keep my mouth shut.  I say what I want to say in my head to the people who are cheeseing me off.  However, instead of feeling better, I feel angrier b/c I can't shout out at these people.  I can't call them names.  I can't tell them to mind their own business.  I can't tell them to leave me alone.  I can't feel better b/c who I am called to be kicks in.  I think, "oh, I don't know that persons situation.  Maybe they're having a bad day."  Or "oh, so and so is lonely so that's why they're acting out."  In talking to one of my greatest, if not my greatest champion, George, today, while he was getting irritated for me, I explained that while I don't like these people, while I am not called to like these people, I am called to love them.  Yup, time to suck more pine cones.  At what point after turning all your cheeks and forgiving 7 x 70 is it acceptable to haul off and let the words of anger and hate and bitterness flow?  Sadly, I know the answer.  It's never.  I say sadly, b/c I would just love to let it all fly, but then, I know, remorse would follow.

Did you get all that?  Yea, welcome to the inside of my head these last two weeks.  And, to make things more fun, I've been doing a little reading here and there.  The last couple days was on temptation and how the devil uses it against you.  Funny thing is, I thought temptation was all about tempting you to sin like gambling, or addictions or shopping, stuff like that.  Tempting you to do something you want to do but know yous shouldn't (like that fifth beer or third slice of cake).  Then, I got to pondering.  I say "I", but really it was Bob who shone a light on this one.  There can be the temptation to yell and scream at those who have offended me as of late.  And, so far, I haven't lost my job, gotten myself arrested or gotten the snuff beaten out of me, so I must be doing at least okay.  Mind you, it takes great effort on my part to keep my mouth shut.  Yes, yes, I do say what I want to say to that person, but I say it inside my head.  And, while this causes me to become more agitated, I keep quiet all the more.  I will tell you this, after these last two weeks, Montserrat seems like a lifetime ago.  But, this too shall pass.

Until next time,
Pray for those who persecute you.  It's easy to love and pray for your friends.  Try doing it for the ones who aren't.