Thursday, January 28, 2010

The Great Flood of '10

Just because I watch DIY shows does not mean I am DIY handy. Just b/c my Grandpa was a jack of all trades and could fix any thing and I helped lots of times doesn't mean I can do Jack by myself.

Our dishwasher has been flooding the kitchen. Well, it started out as leaks. Little rivers. So we put a towel down under the dishwasher. This has been the norm for months. Now it's a gushing river. So, through internet searches and friends I ascertained a vague idea of how to fix it. Didn't work.

If that wasn't bad enough, the toilet downstairs kept running. I went to fix it and broke the ball thingy. So, George runs to Home Depot, on his way home, in the rain and buys the part. I fix the toilet, turn on the water, and flood the bathroom (and myself). Now, the toilet is broke, can't use the kitchen sink or the dishwasher. I am surrounded by water and my own incompetence. Lest you think I'm a total idiot and didn't call a repair man, I did that first, however, its out of our budget. Who am I kidding, we don't even have a budget. I can't afford a budget. But, I digress.

I didn't even get to the good part yet. Tomorrow is Maria's bday party with 6 girls (4 get to sleep over) with a downstairs bathroom that doesn't work and a kitchen sink that doesn't work. And, Sarah has a sleepover, no problem, until she tells me tonight, her friend is taking her home from the DOLLS function at some church on Greenville that she has to be at at 7pm. While the birthday party is in full swing and George is at his birthday present/Hockey Game (thank you to the lovely Kays :) ).

I am exhausted. Not sleeping well (hardly ever) and am waterlogged. This beats the Great Grill fiasco hands down!

Only two people ever walked on water. I am not one of them.

Until next time,
Stay dry


Tuesday, January 26, 2010

So, I was talking to Bob this morning. Actually, I was reading emails and He decided to talk to me. When He talks, sometimes it is easy, too easy actually to ignore Him. Other days, like today, not so much.

He said to share this with all of you. It was a not so gentle reminder. I know, I am not the only one who needed reminding.

For those of you who get email updates, you will need to go to the website it is well worth it, I promise.

Until next time,
Come home.


Saturday, January 23, 2010

Still Running

Maria turned fourteen yesterday. It was fun with Carol and her family, the Kay's (Maria's Godparents) and Tina and her family. Today was Maria's birthday lunch. We went to Red Robin. Both George and Maria got free burgers (they're awesome burgers) so we went to the one we used to go to in Garland. It was like ten minutes from our apartment. We went the back way through Parker and Murphy to Richardson where we used to live, even drove by the apartment. Passed the kids old elementary school. It was rainy out, melancholy even. And, every time we passed the familiar, I thought in my head "there's the McDonald's we use to go to"; "I remember walking the kids home from school, boy was it hot that day"; "Wow, I can't remember how much time I spent at that Walmart!" I wasn't working then, just a stay at home mom in a small, way to small apartment and I felt closed in so I would go to Walmart. I remember feeling lonely. Even after coming to St. Jude's. I wanted to be up at church as much as possible (except at night b/c I hate driving at night. And, the 15 minute drive felt more like 25 minutes even though it wasn't). Church felt warm and inviting. Yea, I volunteered at the kids school, was on the PTA, and was the girls Girl Scout Leader (all my first year here!) The people at the school were snotty tho and everyone already knew everyone and it just wasn't a very welcoming group. But, I digress. I liked being up at church, walmart, anywhere that wasn't my stifling apartment.

Then, we moved to Allen, to be closer to St. Jude and ever since then my life has not been the same. I don't do well with snooty people and St. Jude is in very short supply on those if at all. The church was welcoming. I've made best friends and family here. I've learned about my mistakes, faced a few fears, took a few walks, went on quite a few retreats. All in all, I found myself. Not too bad a deal if you ask me.

I've been under the weather these last two weeks. Besides a bladder infection, there was a remote possibility that I was pregnant. Any glimmer of hope, you know I will glom onto it quicker than you can imagine. My wonderful doctor and I do not know why I am having pregnancy symptoms. I'm nauseated. I have a heightened sense of smell (and that is putting it mildly!) among other symptoms. Well, life happens and I now know definitively that I am not pregnant. And, as I knew would happen (b/c I am me) I am devastated. I have prayed so hard and so long for so many years (almost thirteen). Sometimes I let it go. Sometimes. But then it comes circling back around. I don't blame God. Not remotely anyways. It wasn't His choice. I had free will. I messed around with His plan and here we are. I wonder why He had Elizabeth pregnant in her old age and yet won't wave His hand over my stomach and go "woogy woogy woogy". Well, I do actually. He needed a sign I think, for Mary to let her know that He was there, to show her of the miracles that He is capable of. And, truth be told, I have seen His miracles, His works so very many times and marvel at the beauty of each one. I think maybe I hit my quota on miracles. I mean, I am one of His miracles. I wasn't even suppose to be talking (jokes on those doctors!) or hearing all that well either. My children are miracles. Each of them. George, he's like this HUGE miracle. Never saw that one coming. Not even from a foot away let alone a mile. Carol. Definitely a miracle. Mom and Dad, miracles. My sister and my relationship, miracle. My friends at St. Jude, you guessed it, miracles. So, maybe, just maybe I reached a quota. And sure He is Him and He can go over the quota if He feels like it, I just don't think He feels like it. And, truth be told, I really don't have much to complain about. I have the aforementioned miracles. George and I are gainfully employed (although permanent status for George would be awesome!) So, He doesn't want to give me another child. At some point I have to switch from He is saying "not now" to "no". I think we've hit the "no" stage and I'm just immensely sad over it. You think you know how much I wanted this child, you don't. But, I'll tell you. Not even George knows (well he will now). I spent last week writing emails to the child I will never have. Mainly how much I want them and how sorry I am for the decision that I had made so very long ago. I even went so far as to ask their forgiveness and if they could make it, could they meet me at the doctors appointment. It was only two emails. But they were poignant if I do say so myself.

Because I was under the weather, I missed two and a half days of work and I found out how much I missed being home. I also missed my bible study on Thursday nights. I'm still tired but back to work. I'm still nauseated and I still have a heightened sense of smell (driving tonight 'George, do you smell vomit?' lol) and I have no clue why. I'm still running very fast, going round and round in circles, although sometimes I do a lil zig zag maneuver just to do something different, but then come back to the same familiar, fast, circles.

Carol, I'm getting really tired of running now.

Until next time,
Count your Miracles :)

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Update #1387

The beginning of the new year has found me three pounds heavier, stressed, worried, back to having panic attacks, but fully covered by health insurance thanks to my job. Albeit takes my ENTIRE paycheck and then some, nevertheless, we now have health insurance and so that is a blessing in an of itself, so I am trying to focus on that.

Some really cool news today, my sister called and had some news. She has to travel to CA for her job in Feb and had a layover in Dallas for 1 1/2 hours, but then they had to change her ticket, thereby losing the layover in Dallas. The really cool part was my sister saying "I was so excited I was having a layover in Dallas so I can see you!" Yea, that totally made my year so far. She and I have been a work in progress. At one point, she and I didn't talk for years. YEARS, like FIVE (I lost count). But gradually, we've found each other again. And, my visit in August to see her on what is now dubbed the My Homecoming tour '09, really cemented our relationship. In fact, we talk every couple weeks vs. every few months. Way cool.

Tomorrow, I go back to my lightway group. I really need the group. I can't do it on my own. Even though I like to try, like all the time. I was talking with My Julie today (she is doing wonderful! Thank you all for your prayers for her!). She's awesome! And, in the course of our conversation, she lays down some heavy wisdom out of nowhere. Actually, it came from Bob. Here it is. Y'know the scripture with the five loaves and two fish (or was it two loaves and five fish?)? Well, if no one picked up the bread or the fish, the miracle couldn't happen. Sure they were blessed, but until someone took the first step and actually picked it up and broke off a piece, nothing would happen. The fish and the loaves would just remain five and two. It's only when the first step was taken that allowed the miracle to happen!

So, after we got off the phone, it really got me thinking. We all know how much I hate taking the first step, or any step for that matter (shout out to My Carol!) But how many miracles am I not allowing to happen because I am too scared and afraid to take the first step? So, I think this year (well that's a bit adventurous let's start a little smaller), this month, I will try, (key word being *try*) to take the first step (awww crap, lol). And, with My Carol and My Julie backing me (and all of you) it's worth a shot, right?

Oh! The other cool thing that happened today...I went to church to check on My Mary (she's doing well, thank you for your prayers for her too!) and in her office was My Greta. And I got to give her one of my (as she calls it) Gina hugs! I haven't seen her in FOREVER! It was so good to see her and hold her and be held by her. Greta ROCKS :)

What am I stressed about? Life. Jobs. Family. Friends (although I was told under no uncertain terms by Julie not to worry about her b/c she is fine I can go back to other prayers for her! lol she's awesome!) If prayer is so powerful, when I feel helpless (b/c unfortunately, I cannot control my friends situations or my families situations or my own situations) why does it feel like not enough? The answer escapes me.

I do know this...I am tired of running, all the time. But, I am afraid to stop.

Until next time,
Happy New Year!