Saturday, January 23, 2010

Still Running

Maria turned fourteen yesterday. It was fun with Carol and her family, the Kay's (Maria's Godparents) and Tina and her family. Today was Maria's birthday lunch. We went to Red Robin. Both George and Maria got free burgers (they're awesome burgers) so we went to the one we used to go to in Garland. It was like ten minutes from our apartment. We went the back way through Parker and Murphy to Richardson where we used to live, even drove by the apartment. Passed the kids old elementary school. It was rainy out, melancholy even. And, every time we passed the familiar, I thought in my head "there's the McDonald's we use to go to"; "I remember walking the kids home from school, boy was it hot that day"; "Wow, I can't remember how much time I spent at that Walmart!" I wasn't working then, just a stay at home mom in a small, way to small apartment and I felt closed in so I would go to Walmart. I remember feeling lonely. Even after coming to St. Jude's. I wanted to be up at church as much as possible (except at night b/c I hate driving at night. And, the 15 minute drive felt more like 25 minutes even though it wasn't). Church felt warm and inviting. Yea, I volunteered at the kids school, was on the PTA, and was the girls Girl Scout Leader (all my first year here!) The people at the school were snotty tho and everyone already knew everyone and it just wasn't a very welcoming group. But, I digress. I liked being up at church, walmart, anywhere that wasn't my stifling apartment.

Then, we moved to Allen, to be closer to St. Jude and ever since then my life has not been the same. I don't do well with snooty people and St. Jude is in very short supply on those if at all. The church was welcoming. I've made best friends and family here. I've learned about my mistakes, faced a few fears, took a few walks, went on quite a few retreats. All in all, I found myself. Not too bad a deal if you ask me.

I've been under the weather these last two weeks. Besides a bladder infection, there was a remote possibility that I was pregnant. Any glimmer of hope, you know I will glom onto it quicker than you can imagine. My wonderful doctor and I do not know why I am having pregnancy symptoms. I'm nauseated. I have a heightened sense of smell (and that is putting it mildly!) among other symptoms. Well, life happens and I now know definitively that I am not pregnant. And, as I knew would happen (b/c I am me) I am devastated. I have prayed so hard and so long for so many years (almost thirteen). Sometimes I let it go. Sometimes. But then it comes circling back around. I don't blame God. Not remotely anyways. It wasn't His choice. I had free will. I messed around with His plan and here we are. I wonder why He had Elizabeth pregnant in her old age and yet won't wave His hand over my stomach and go "woogy woogy woogy". Well, I do actually. He needed a sign I think, for Mary to let her know that He was there, to show her of the miracles that He is capable of. And, truth be told, I have seen His miracles, His works so very many times and marvel at the beauty of each one. I think maybe I hit my quota on miracles. I mean, I am one of His miracles. I wasn't even suppose to be talking (jokes on those doctors!) or hearing all that well either. My children are miracles. Each of them. George, he's like this HUGE miracle. Never saw that one coming. Not even from a foot away let alone a mile. Carol. Definitely a miracle. Mom and Dad, miracles. My sister and my relationship, miracle. My friends at St. Jude, you guessed it, miracles. So, maybe, just maybe I reached a quota. And sure He is Him and He can go over the quota if He feels like it, I just don't think He feels like it. And, truth be told, I really don't have much to complain about. I have the aforementioned miracles. George and I are gainfully employed (although permanent status for George would be awesome!) So, He doesn't want to give me another child. At some point I have to switch from He is saying "not now" to "no". I think we've hit the "no" stage and I'm just immensely sad over it. You think you know how much I wanted this child, you don't. But, I'll tell you. Not even George knows (well he will now). I spent last week writing emails to the child I will never have. Mainly how much I want them and how sorry I am for the decision that I had made so very long ago. I even went so far as to ask their forgiveness and if they could make it, could they meet me at the doctors appointment. It was only two emails. But they were poignant if I do say so myself.

Because I was under the weather, I missed two and a half days of work and I found out how much I missed being home. I also missed my bible study on Thursday nights. I'm still tired but back to work. I'm still nauseated and I still have a heightened sense of smell (driving tonight 'George, do you smell vomit?' lol) and I have no clue why. I'm still running very fast, going round and round in circles, although sometimes I do a lil zig zag maneuver just to do something different, but then come back to the same familiar, fast, circles.

Carol, I'm getting really tired of running now.

Until next time,
Count your Miracles :)

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