Thursday, January 24, 2013

Peace, work, and bubbles

So, I got another think about it text from my friend this morning.  It said "our peace does not depend on the kindness or actions of others".  My response was "Really?  You sure about that?  How does it work then because clearly I've been doing it wrong."

Then, I decided that today I would meditate on peace and not on my bible study as I did not do it at this point.  Usually, I like to do it in the morning and have something to mentally chew on throughout the day.  However, Iggy was sick and I don't think anyone slept.  So, this peace thing was something to chew on and I was thankful.  However, when I got to work, it was not peaceful at all.  It was one of the more hectic days we've had in a while.  I'll spare you the gory details.  Just know that if you look up crappy day in the dictionary, you'd see my day today.  I tried to chew on peace, but it didn't get as deep as I wanted too.

Here's what I've come up peace is suppose to be dependent on me and me alone.  I can have this beautiful peace bubble where the weather is absolutely perfect.  I'm in shorts and there's a cool breeze just enough to feel good, not strong enough to make you cold and want to go inside.  It's slightly overcast and the leaves on the trees are orange and red with just a hint of green left.  Crickets are chirping and I am still.  The days events rush through my head like a movie trailer at full speed and truthfully, I'd like them out as fast as they can go.  It's only when the movie trailer stops and my head settles down that I can hear my heart, and God.  This is my peace.  This is the place I love to be.  Where I long to be.  But, as I told a friend the other day, 'you can't live in the peace bubble because life keeps getting in'.  So, what is the whole point of peace?  Is it a place where I go and recharge?  Is it a place where I am to continually stay and not let the world in?  If so, how do I fight against the inside world coming in?   The bad days at work?  The sick kids?  The arguing kids?  The wanting to help friends with their dilemmas?

One thing that kept running through my mind today whenever I had the moment to chew on peace was this:  at Mass, one of my favorite parts is when the priest says "the peace of Christ be with you all".  Have you ever thought about what the peace of Christ was?  I chewed on it for a bit.  what can I say, amidst the craptastick day that was today, I was hungry, so I chewed!  lol  Jesus was a peaceful guy.  Even when everyone wanted to stone the lady He sat there writing in the dirt with his finger calmly asking questions.  Peaceful!  How do I get that kind of peace?  How do I sit calmly when I see injustices happen everyday, at work and all around?  Plus, here's a little tidbit I'm not sure you guys know.  I was born without a filter that stops you from saying things you shouldn't and tact.  I was born without tact.  I'm a straight shooter and will tell you what's what and you don't even have to ask!  How do I become peaceful and deal with all of that?

I'll tell you...I have absolutely no idea.  None.  Zip.  Zero.  Zilch.  Nada.  So, here's what I've come up with.  I will go to my peace bubble as long as I am able.  When the world comes knocking, I'll let it in and try to deal as *calmly* as possible with what is tasked before me.  Then, go back in my bubble.  Not sure how it's gonna work, but it's worth a shot.  I'll keep you updated.

Until next time,
The peace of Christ be with you all.


Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Discovery, texting and God

There's this old saying "surround yourself with people smarter than you and you become smart by association".  This is pretty much how I've lived the last nine years of my life.  One such friend texted me very wise words this morning which I stole.  She said "Give up the hope of a better past".  That was very profound for me.  And, instead of reflecting on my bible study today, I found myself meditating (while working of course) on that statement.

When I was little, I wanted to be hugged on and loved all of the time.  Maybe it was because of my many trips to Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh (shout out to the greatest kids hospital ever!), I don't know, but even to this day, I crave touch.  When I was a teen, all I wanted was to be liked and accepted, no more so than any other teen I'm guessing.  Then, as I was in my late teens, (you know the age where you know absolutely everything because you're seventeen/eighteen and don't have to listen to anyone or seek their advice) I found acceptance.  Not with myself mind you but with a couple friends.  In the years that followed (mostly my entire twenties) I made mistakes.  Lots of them.  Being never one to fit into what 'normal' is or rather, what I thought normal was (and really whose to say anyway?) I did things different.  I did things backwards.

There are relationships that I have that are deeply severed.  Those that are beyond repair.  Those that I still go "what was I thinking" and those that after long bouts of time apart can feel like no time has passed when we come back together.  I look back at my past and there are so many, many things I'd like to change.  Decisions I've made that not only have affected me, but those that I love and care about deeply, as well.  No, it's not like I'm in government or anything where the decisions I made affect a great number of people.  But the decisions I make everyday affect more than just me.  And, looking back at my past, I've affected more people with my bad decisions than with my good.  It's okay if a bad decision affects just me, but that doesn't happen.

People I'd wish I was closest to in this world, I ended up loving out of respect and because it's been asked of me.  What's that old saying "I wish other people would stick to the scripts that I wrote in my head".  No, that doesn't happen.  That free will thing.  People are allowed to think and act and feel differently than I wish they would.  I wished for so long that I would be extremely closer to a few members of my own family than I am.  And, even though I hear all of the "it's not you it's them", "they're the ones missing out", "you tried", "you deserve better", there comes a point where I just stop trying.  Stop trying to please, stop trying to be who I think they want or would love and just be me.

My late twenties brought me the love of my life and three beautiful children.  My thirties were for cleaning up my messes I made in my twenties.  My late thirties to now have been discovering who I am.  And, here's what I've come up with.  I am a mess.  I am a woman with ocd, adhd, and panic and anxiety disorder.  I am a girl who wishes certain people will call one day and tell her how stupid they've been and they've loved her since the moment she was born.  I am a girl who craves touch and happiness, who will do anything for anybody just to make them smile and hear their laugh.  I am an exhaulter.  I have a great need to make other people feel good about themselves and let them know how much God loves them.  It's just quite a lot of time, I don't always do that for myself.  Yes, yes, I know God loves me.  And on most days, I take that for granted.  I take Him at His word.  He created me because He loves me.  I'm still here, so He loves me and then I don't think anymore on it.

No matter how hard I try or wish I could go back and change certain things and mistakes I've made, I'm glad I can't.  They would probably alter the outcome of where I am now.  Would I still have the love of my life and my three kids?  Who knows?  And, I wouldn't trade them for the world.

So, sure at times I know I'll still look back at my past and cringe at the whoppers of mistakes that I've made but at this point, I can certainly start to let go of it.

I wish the same for you my friends.  I wish you to know that right where you are, this very second, you are loved.  That God loves you and so do I.  Mistakes and all.  You are loved.

Until next time,
Start letting go of your past.  Enjoy today.


Friday, January 18, 2013

Forests, signs, and my Carol

Sometimes, we can't see the forest for the trees.  Did you ever notice when you're with a friend and they're lamenting to you about whatever, you have great advice on how to fix it but when the same thing happens in your life you're all clueless?

Yea, welcome to my world.

I've been doing a bible study for a while and I roped a few of my closest and dearest friend in the entire world to do it with me.  This week, one of the readings struck me.  It was how the angel Gabriel came to Mary and announced what was going to happen.  I lamented that God never sends Gabriel or any other angels to tell me His plan.  She knew the plan and got to say 'yes'.  I have to say 'yes' without knowing the plan.  Well, I don't have to say yes, but you get my point.

This past week, I have been sleeping.  Really well in fact, with the exception on one night.  I can't tell you how awesome it is to get six or seven straight hours of sleep.  Only waking once and not five times to pee!  Last night I dreamed I was walking around our church property.  Like I was taking classes or something.  And, I saw a sign.  The sign had such a profound effect in my dream that everyone I came in contact with in my dream I was telling about this sign. 

Then, the night before last, I dreamed I got to meet Pope John Paul II.  I was with a bunch of people in line at a cafeteria.  We're going to pay and the Pope is sitting where the cashier usually does.  He wasn't ringing people up, just talking to them.  I'm all kinds of excited!  The person in front of me says to the Pope "I don't know what to call you" and he says "your excellence".  In my head I'm all "I KNEW THAT!  I KNEW THAT"!  Then it is my turn!  I take his hand, kneel down and bow my head as I say "your excellence".  I didn't kiss his ring (which looked just like a plain wedding band) and moved on.  Then, I woke up.  I was very disappointed I didn't get to meet him!   On the plus side, he's been dead for a couple years so if I was to really meet him, I think that means I'd be dead too, and I'm not ready to go just yet!

There's a point coming, I promise!  I was talking to my Carol yesterday about my Pope dream.  Ever the smart one she says "you wanted signs, you're getting signs!"  In other words "pay attention dork face!"  She didn't say that but I did lol.

So, I'm meeting the dead Pope and seeing signs in my dreams.  So, the sign, let me tell you what it said.  It said "The kingdom of heaven is at hand...the kingdom is now"! In my dream I kept telling people "How cool is that!?  I've been telling people I'm building my treasure in heaven and that not even Solomon!  Not even Solomon!  Heaven is here now!"

Okay, let me explain Solomon.  It's a reading from Matthew 25 -34  

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[e]?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

So, in my dream, apparently, I'm telling people I have more than Solomon in heave.    Wow, I think I'm getting a bit big for my own britches! lol

So, between sleeping great, and signs and friends, I think I'm going to be okay!  The kingdom is wherever Jesus is.  He is always with me and you.  Therefore, the kingdom is now!  I don't know what all of this means.  Like I tell my kids my crystal ball broke and I haven't got a new one.  But, I know that God does have a plan and whatever it is, I'm saying 'yes'.  

Until next time,
Pray for my bible study group please