Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Discovery, texting and God

There's this old saying "surround yourself with people smarter than you and you become smart by association".  This is pretty much how I've lived the last nine years of my life.  One such friend texted me very wise words this morning which I stole.  She said "Give up the hope of a better past".  That was very profound for me.  And, instead of reflecting on my bible study today, I found myself meditating (while working of course) on that statement.

When I was little, I wanted to be hugged on and loved all of the time.  Maybe it was because of my many trips to Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh (shout out to the greatest kids hospital ever!), I don't know, but even to this day, I crave touch.  When I was a teen, all I wanted was to be liked and accepted, no more so than any other teen I'm guessing.  Then, as I was in my late teens, (you know the age where you know absolutely everything because you're seventeen/eighteen and don't have to listen to anyone or seek their advice) I found acceptance.  Not with myself mind you but with a couple friends.  In the years that followed (mostly my entire twenties) I made mistakes.  Lots of them.  Being never one to fit into what 'normal' is or rather, what I thought normal was (and really whose to say anyway?) I did things different.  I did things backwards.

There are relationships that I have that are deeply severed.  Those that are beyond repair.  Those that I still go "what was I thinking" and those that after long bouts of time apart can feel like no time has passed when we come back together.  I look back at my past and there are so many, many things I'd like to change.  Decisions I've made that not only have affected me, but those that I love and care about deeply, as well.  No, it's not like I'm in government or anything where the decisions I made affect a great number of people.  But the decisions I make everyday affect more than just me.  And, looking back at my past, I've affected more people with my bad decisions than with my good.  It's okay if a bad decision affects just me, but that doesn't happen.

People I'd wish I was closest to in this world, I ended up loving out of respect and because it's been asked of me.  What's that old saying "I wish other people would stick to the scripts that I wrote in my head".  No, that doesn't happen.  That free will thing.  People are allowed to think and act and feel differently than I wish they would.  I wished for so long that I would be extremely closer to a few members of my own family than I am.  And, even though I hear all of the "it's not you it's them", "they're the ones missing out", "you tried", "you deserve better", there comes a point where I just stop trying.  Stop trying to please, stop trying to be who I think they want or would love and just be me.

My late twenties brought me the love of my life and three beautiful children.  My thirties were for cleaning up my messes I made in my twenties.  My late thirties to now have been discovering who I am.  And, here's what I've come up with.  I am a mess.  I am a woman with ocd, adhd, and panic and anxiety disorder.  I am a girl who wishes certain people will call one day and tell her how stupid they've been and they've loved her since the moment she was born.  I am a girl who craves touch and happiness, who will do anything for anybody just to make them smile and hear their laugh.  I am an exhaulter.  I have a great need to make other people feel good about themselves and let them know how much God loves them.  It's just quite a lot of time, I don't always do that for myself.  Yes, yes, I know God loves me.  And on most days, I take that for granted.  I take Him at His word.  He created me because He loves me.  I'm still here, so He loves me and then I don't think anymore on it.

No matter how hard I try or wish I could go back and change certain things and mistakes I've made, I'm glad I can't.  They would probably alter the outcome of where I am now.  Would I still have the love of my life and my three kids?  Who knows?  And, I wouldn't trade them for the world.

So, sure at times I know I'll still look back at my past and cringe at the whoppers of mistakes that I've made but at this point, I can certainly start to let go of it.

I wish the same for you my friends.  I wish you to know that right where you are, this very second, you are loved.  That God loves you and so do I.  Mistakes and all.  You are loved.

Until next time,
Start letting go of your past.  Enjoy today.


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