Monday, February 25, 2008

The Great Buffet of Life

A wise friend once told me that 'people will tell you grief comes in stages. It doesn't. It's a buffet'. I have found this to be true. I have found that I will have a few good days in a row and then something will come along, a song, an email I want to forward to Mom, a postcard Mom and Dad had sent from one of their trips and then I go and start to slip back into my hole again. And, it takes a good day or two to peek my head out again.

Another great friend, my best friend, who cannot relate to my situation found a great website for It's a wonderful site that validated what my therapist and those closest to me have been saying which is whatever I'm feeling is perfectly normal and is okay. That said, I think I've decided is that grieving is like being pregnant only instead of your hormones going all ape for nine months, it's much longer. You get sad, angry, happy, and irritable at the drop of a hat. And for fun the emotions can change from one second to the next or you can be all of them at once. Like I said, just like being pregnant but for longer, and sadly no baby.

I am trying to relinquish control of my emotions. Trying to constantly keep them in check while grieving is not optimal. Apparently, I've been trying to rush through 'the process' and get back to a sense of normality. And truth be told, it gives me a headache. Before therapy, I thought I was a grey person. Apparently, I'm a 'it's either black or white' person. Shocking to me. I'm thinking that this control this is not something I had realized about myself before. One of the other things I do not have control over is I can't fix this. I can't bring back my Mom, my friend. I can't bring back my husband's mom or my father-in-laws wife of 40 years. The last one is the hardest. I make things better. It's what I do. I'm a helper. A giver (My sign is cancer if that tells you anything). And, not being able to fix this is hard. According to Grace, I can't fix this for myself, how could I fix it for Dad or George? I love them both with all my heart and no matter how much I want to make it better, I can't. And, relinquishing control isn't the easiest thing in the world. But, apparently, I don't do easy. Anything worth having is worth working for. My marriage, my kids, my family, and my friendships. I just have to remember that God has a plan and any plan that included bringing my husbands parents into my life who bless me with their unconditional love and friendship is a blessing.

So, pass the candle, I am Gina a grieving, it's got to be black or white, have to make it better, control freak who misses her Mom.

Many blessings to all of you this Lenten season.

Saturday, February 9, 2008

New wine. Old wineskins.

Clearly, it's been forever since I've blogged. No excuses really. Although I do have a reason, not necessarily a good one. I've been in this grief hole ever since Mom passed. Some days are good. Some days, not so good. But I am a work in progress.

I'm back to working. I had a show this afternoon. My first in two months. I met some really neat people too. And Kim, you'll be proud of me, I drove *all the way* to Custer and Elderado! lol And, before that I had training this morning. I always like going to training b/c not only do I get to see people from other clusters that I haven't seen in a while, I get to learn neat stuff too. They asked today what our why is for doing the business. Everyone has a why. I asked Ann if it's okay for your why to change. She said absolutely. My why used to be b/c I wanted to go to culinary school but it was too expensive. This way, I learn all these great tips and tricks, and they pay me. Now, my why is to just get out of the house and work my way out of the grief hole.

Things I am learning during this transition is that you can't rush the process. That actually sucks. I didn't realize that's what I was doing until Jeanne mentioned it to me. Another thing I'm learning is that people care. A lot. However, even though their intentions are good no one knows exactly what to say. So, here's some help. There's nothing you can say to make it better. You can't bring my mom back. You can send me an email letting me know I'm in your thoughts (thank you Carol, Tina and Sarah). You can however tell me you love me. You can hug me. You can even cry with me if you'd like. Most of all you can be patient with me as I regale you with tales of my mom out of the blue. You can be patient with me as I continue to have good days and not so good days.

This lenten season is a time for us to grow closer to God. It is a season for each of us to look inside of ourselves and see what we can do to strengthen ourselves and our relationship with God. I plan on being like Punxsutawney Phill and finally peeking my head out of the hole. And instead of six more weeks of winter, I'll be putting new wine in new wine skins.

Many blessings to each of you this lenten season.