Monday, June 25, 2012

Where do you belong?

The thing about depression, what the commercials don't tell you, is how alone you truly feel.  How slowly, without warning, you stop calling people.  You turn inward.  Even when you're around people, you feel alone.

The last two months have been a blur.  Yes, as I've said before, we've had a ton of stuff going on.  Then two weeks ago, after all the family gatherings, I thought things would settle down.  That didn't happen.  God decided to smack me down in the middle of vacation bible school last week.  Which is fine.  It's all for the greater glory of God.  He puts me where He wants me and I go.  On top of everything, I had another sinus infection.  I'm surprised that after as many as I have had, they still wear me out.  I haven't been feeling well at all.    I was seriously bummed that I had missed the last week of boot camp.  The last three weeks with my depression and downward spiral, I have not been sticking to any workout.  I haven't set foot in the gym in three weeks and to top it off, my food choices haven't exactly been stellar either.  I stopped having breakfast, which resulted in me having a hypoglycemic episode after vbs one day.  I can't remember ever being so scared.  I didn't know what was going on.  My husband and son knew exactly what was happening and not only took care of me, they calmed me down.  Living with anxiety and panic disorder on top of depression (what can I say, I'm a ball of joy), having them calm me down was a feat in and of itself.  So, I've made a point the last few days to have breakfast.  During this time, one of my favorite people in the world, Shelia kept me going.  We had heart to heart emails where I told her my deepest, darkest fear.  I don't know what I was expecting for her reply.  Probably, "oh, don't worry about that" or some other generic response.  That wasn't what happened at all.  She spoke from the heart and was calming and wonderful.  She is amazing and I love her.

Then, I knew the time had come.  This morning was back to boot camp.  No more hiding.  No more hiding from the gym, from my scale, from my bad food choices. I've got two good friends at boot camp, Deb and Rebecca.  I have come to care about them very much.  Rebecca, sadly, isn't going to make this round of boot camp (I'm on round three) because of schedule conflicts.  I'm bummed, but I know my Deb will be there.  Last night, I didn't sleep at all.  I was up just about every hour.  Then, it was time to get up and go.  My first thought was "I'm tired".  My second thought was "Well, Rebecca isn't gonna be there".  My third thought was "Maybe I'll skip this round of boot camp and stay in my depressed state."  But, I made the hardest decision since I've been in my downward spiral, I chose to get out of my bed as tired as I was.  I made a conscience decision that I had to go, and go I did.  It was hard.  This boot camp was the hardest one I've done yet.  I had let me self not exercise for three weeks.  I have not been to the gym.  I have done nothing.  So, I showed up.  I had to modify a couple things.  I ran (hey Rebecca, I gave 110% just like I said I would!)  I gave it my all, even in my modifications.  At 530 in the morning, it's extremely hot.  Not only was I sweating from the heat, and my workout, but because of the hot flashes.  All this heat and working out I realized how out of shape I really am.  I was light headed for a while and I almost threw up and almost past out at least three times.  But, I kept going because goonies never say die.  Rudy only gave up once and then he came back the same day.  I can't give up.  I won't give up.  While sweating and pulling my tire (man, did I miss my tire) I gave it my all.  And, at one point my coach says to me "Welcome home, Gina.  Welcome home".  Between Shelia, my friend Rebecca and Deb's love and support and my coach welcoming me back, I am on my way up from my spiral.  It is wonderful to know and cemented in me time and time again, that I don't just belong to a gym.  I belong.  That is a wonderful feeling whether you're riding sky high, or in a depression.  Belonging is lovely.  So, yes, I'll get up Wednesday morning and give it my all.  I have my support system who are there and I can't let them down.  I won't let them down. 

Until next time,
Pray for those suffering from depression.


Tuesday, June 12, 2012

The Spiral Staircase

This past school year flew by in a blur.  For work, that makes me happy.  For my life outside of work, not so much.  What age were you when you gained your concept of time?  You know when you're little and 7pm seems late and summers seem so long.  Then, as you get older, school seems to drag on and summer vacation goes by so fast.  Then, you realize, really realize how cyclical it really is.  The year starts a new and you're in school, then Valentine's Day, then Easter, then Mother's Day, and Memorial Day, then school is out.  Father's Day, July 4th, summer goes by blurry.  Then it's August and time to go back to school.  Labor day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas.  Then, it all starts again.  At what age did it stop being languid and become so expedient?

I miss the long lazy summers that seemed endless.  I miss the days when you could enjoy each holiday as it came.  Revel in picking out a costume for Halloween.  Inviting family and friends for Thanksgiving.  Christmas planning and shopping.  Now, it's so fast, it's so early.  Christmas comes in September.  Halloween in August.  We must get a jump on it all.  All of this jumping on things ahead of schedule is making me tired and maudlin.

The last two months have flown by in a blur.  If you missed it, see the post prior to this.  The blur has left me tired, melancholy and going down my spiral staircase.  Every few months or so, I've noticed are valley times.  And, it takes me a while to realize I'm in them.  I didn't notice till Sunday exactly how far down the staircase I have fallen.  Technically, I'm not sure I've fallen inasmuch as gone down on a yo-yo.  I say that because in all my valley times, I always come back up.  It just takes time.  I had the rare occasion last month where I had to stifle who I am (to some extent).  And, the result has left me exhausted and emotionally spent.  My mom and George's dad came to visit.  They haven't seen each other since our wedding almost 13 years ago.  With my mom, I am my goofy self.  Anything that flies out of my mouth, flies out of my mouth.  We laugh, a lot.  We joke.  We kid and sometimes, we're serious.  She sees the kids and I being playful and having fun, and sometimes yelling at them.  With dad, I am more serene.  More calm.  We sit and talk about everything and anything (as I do with mom), but in a more calm reserved manner.  I'm still me, just more reserved and not fly out of my mouth me.  I actually have to think before I speak.  If I had to do that all the time, surly, my head would spontaneously explode!  Having them here at the same time was wonderful.  We'd sit on the back porch and just talk and be.  It was so wonderful to have them both here at the same time.  However, I was in inner turmoil.  Having to think ahead what I wanted to say while at the same time being my spontaneous self was difficult.  Not impossible, just difficult.

Then last week, with everyone leaving and the myriad airport trips, it made the week fly by so very fast.  George came home for a little over 24 hours.  It was a whirlwind of activities.  Birthday party for my friends daughter who turned 1, walmart, kroger, post office, then grand opening celebration for my other friends new Catholic bookstore.  And, in the times in between, he is trying to spend time with the kids and with me.  Stressful on all counts.  He left again for his final week of training on Sunday only to have his flight delayed THREE HOURS (thank you, Delta!!!)  This week isn't so busy.  I've got a bible study tomorrow morning for about an hour.  Thursday afternoon Maria comes home (yay!) and in the evening, bunco!  Then Friday, I'm doing McKinney Trade Days, and he comes home.

I need to get back to the gym.  I haven't been there in a couple weeks.  I missed the last week of boot camp (gasp!).  Derailed by airport trips and now a sinus infection.  I know working out will make me feel better, but it's hard to garner the energy to work out while I'm in my valley.  This week is going by so slow.  I'm so happy for my husbands new job.  He is truly the happiest I've seen him in ages (thank you, God!!!!  A three year prayer answered!!!)  Yesterday was choc full of running errands.  Today, not so much.  I wish I could will it to be the weekend and have my whole family back in tact, under one roof.  Our roof.  And, trust me, I know in a matter of minutes after their arrival I'll be all "why did I want you back again?"  It's the parents conundrum. 

Then, this summer, we are heading out to get Jaime all set with his college plan and schedule.  And, then in August, drop him off for his first year.  Yea, I'm not exactly 'looking forward' to that.  I am, but I'm not.  Another parent conundrum.

So here I sit, on the steps of my spiral staircase, towards the bottom trying to get energy to climb back up.  Eventually, something will click and I will fly up those stairs faster than my ramp at the gym.  Or, I'll climb up the yo-yo.  I don't know, we'll have to see.

Until next time,
Pray for my friends, Diane, Ryan, and their family.


Tuesday, June 5, 2012

How much time do you have?  I've got so much to share and so much to say.

It's been a very, very busy and stressful, but blessed May.

Jaime attained Eagle Rank with the Boy Scouts.  Three days later, he turned 18.  Three weeks later he graduated high school.  George's dad and my mom came into town for the festivities.  George got a new job.  George left his old job.  Had Jaime's Court of Honor Eagle ceremony (so beautiful).  Then, had Jaime's graduation/Eagle celebration party.  Dad left, George left, today mom left.  Tomorrow Maria leave's to Philly for a week (16th bday present from Grandpa!).  George comes in late Friday night and leaves Sunday to go back for his last week of training in Detroit and Maria comes back next Thursday.

My husband who is my rock (along with God, obviously) is gone.  I'm sad dad is gone.  I'm sad my husband isn't here.  And, very sad my mom isn't here.  It was so good to see both mom and dad.

Now, to get three teenagers jobs.  Get my son his license, and try and enjoy my summer.  Thank you my Carol and my Tina as always, for your unwavering support and love.

Until next time,
Please pray for safe travel for George, Mom, and Maria (Dad's already home).