Monday, June 25, 2012

Where do you belong?

The thing about depression, what the commercials don't tell you, is how alone you truly feel.  How slowly, without warning, you stop calling people.  You turn inward.  Even when you're around people, you feel alone.

The last two months have been a blur.  Yes, as I've said before, we've had a ton of stuff going on.  Then two weeks ago, after all the family gatherings, I thought things would settle down.  That didn't happen.  God decided to smack me down in the middle of vacation bible school last week.  Which is fine.  It's all for the greater glory of God.  He puts me where He wants me and I go.  On top of everything, I had another sinus infection.  I'm surprised that after as many as I have had, they still wear me out.  I haven't been feeling well at all.    I was seriously bummed that I had missed the last week of boot camp.  The last three weeks with my depression and downward spiral, I have not been sticking to any workout.  I haven't set foot in the gym in three weeks and to top it off, my food choices haven't exactly been stellar either.  I stopped having breakfast, which resulted in me having a hypoglycemic episode after vbs one day.  I can't remember ever being so scared.  I didn't know what was going on.  My husband and son knew exactly what was happening and not only took care of me, they calmed me down.  Living with anxiety and panic disorder on top of depression (what can I say, I'm a ball of joy), having them calm me down was a feat in and of itself.  So, I've made a point the last few days to have breakfast.  During this time, one of my favorite people in the world, Shelia kept me going.  We had heart to heart emails where I told her my deepest, darkest fear.  I don't know what I was expecting for her reply.  Probably, "oh, don't worry about that" or some other generic response.  That wasn't what happened at all.  She spoke from the heart and was calming and wonderful.  She is amazing and I love her.

Then, I knew the time had come.  This morning was back to boot camp.  No more hiding.  No more hiding from the gym, from my scale, from my bad food choices. I've got two good friends at boot camp, Deb and Rebecca.  I have come to care about them very much.  Rebecca, sadly, isn't going to make this round of boot camp (I'm on round three) because of schedule conflicts.  I'm bummed, but I know my Deb will be there.  Last night, I didn't sleep at all.  I was up just about every hour.  Then, it was time to get up and go.  My first thought was "I'm tired".  My second thought was "Well, Rebecca isn't gonna be there".  My third thought was "Maybe I'll skip this round of boot camp and stay in my depressed state."  But, I made the hardest decision since I've been in my downward spiral, I chose to get out of my bed as tired as I was.  I made a conscience decision that I had to go, and go I did.  It was hard.  This boot camp was the hardest one I've done yet.  I had let me self not exercise for three weeks.  I have not been to the gym.  I have done nothing.  So, I showed up.  I had to modify a couple things.  I ran (hey Rebecca, I gave 110% just like I said I would!)  I gave it my all, even in my modifications.  At 530 in the morning, it's extremely hot.  Not only was I sweating from the heat, and my workout, but because of the hot flashes.  All this heat and working out I realized how out of shape I really am.  I was light headed for a while and I almost threw up and almost past out at least three times.  But, I kept going because goonies never say die.  Rudy only gave up once and then he came back the same day.  I can't give up.  I won't give up.  While sweating and pulling my tire (man, did I miss my tire) I gave it my all.  And, at one point my coach says to me "Welcome home, Gina.  Welcome home".  Between Shelia, my friend Rebecca and Deb's love and support and my coach welcoming me back, I am on my way up from my spiral.  It is wonderful to know and cemented in me time and time again, that I don't just belong to a gym.  I belong.  That is a wonderful feeling whether you're riding sky high, or in a depression.  Belonging is lovely.  So, yes, I'll get up Wednesday morning and give it my all.  I have my support system who are there and I can't let them down.  I won't let them down. 

Until next time,
Pray for those suffering from depression.


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