Monday, September 27, 2010

Dancing in the Minefields

Okay here's the situation (my parents went away on a weeks vacation....sorry, sorry 90's flashback) yes, it's another update!  Two in two days, but not surprisingly, I have more to say, lol.

First, I'd like to thank all of you for your kind words.  I am glad to know that I was able to help you by passing along Carol J's words of wisdom regarding prayer.  And, I am glad that in my weakness, I can show you that you don't have to be strong all the time.  That rollercoasters and valleys will happen, just as sure as the sun will rise, we will be on top of the mountains and screaming down the coaster with our hands up in the air smiling and laughing (as opposed to screaming as we are climbing up the rollercoaster 'this is way too hard!')

Work is well, work.  A few of us try to have fun and laugh but sometimes, things happen beyond our control and it makes it a tad difficult.  As of today, my boss is out for two weeks with a microfracture on her elbow.  I've decided we need to wrap her in her own bubble.   She's fallen off of atv's and other stuff, and recently a chair!  A CHAIR! lol  I told her she needs to stop drinkin.  She said she doesn't drink, to which I replied, maybe you need to start! lol  She's awesome.  After work today I went to Dr. B's.  I have a pulled muscle in my back.  So, I called George to let him know.  Here's our conversation:

Me:  Hey honey, just got out of the Dr's.  It's a pulled muscle.
George:  How much was it?
Me:  $30
George:  $30 for a pulled muscle
Me:  Yup.
Me inside my head "I'm fine though, thanks for asking" lol

There was a similar conversation had regarding the muscle relaxers that Dr. B called in, but I'll spare you that conversation lol.

Sometimes men can be so clueless.  They are a much different species than us.  And, most of the time I am grateful for it.  Note, I said 'most of the time' lol.

Here's is how I've been feeling in a nutshell.  Please keep in mind, that these are my feelings and mine alone.  They are not the feelings of the NFL, NBC, or George (half the time George finds out how I'm feeling from here lol).  And, you cannot copy them without express written consent from the National Baseball League. 

This past chrp meeting on Saturday helped me see things a little more clearer.  Then, I received beautiful emails from my podmate and my Sharon and Lisa.  Hey Sharon, I forgot to tell you Sandy and I are now friends on FB!!!  All these emails said something that I needed to hear.  One of them said that I need to just 'be simple in my faith for a while'.  I really liked that.  It was one of those a-ha moments.  It was also one of those 'a doi why didn't I think of that myself' moments.  But I mean, just think of it.  Just chew on it and meditate on it with me.  Why do we make our faith so complicated?  Why, do I, who know God loves me no matter what, try to prove my faith to Him?  I take on a daily rosary for a few months at a time.  I tried this year long novena.  I made it two months!  I don't know if I'm trying to prove my faith and love to and for Him, to honor Him.  I think sometimes I get confused sometimes (HA more like a lot of times).  I know He is here and He loves me unconditionally no matter what I do or don't do.  That's the great thing about the word unconditional.  There are no strings attached.  God loves me whether or not I love Him (which I do, deeply).  He loves me whether or not I listen to Him (I try too).  He loves me whether or not I come to Him (mostly I do.  Sometimes I do.) But, I think I might have a bit of a Peter complex.  He was human, he loved Jesus deeply and yet he betrayed Him.  So, maybe in my twisted way of thinking, if I say these rosaries, and prayers and novena's I can prove to Him that I am not like Peter and won't turn on Him.  The funny thing is, in comparative terms, I'm just like Peter.  I failed in my prayers to Him, just like Peter failed Him.  But I think also that maybe, my ADHDness of not being able to finish and putting pressure on myself maybe, just maybe it's His way of reminding me that I don't need to prove anything to Him.  That while He loves that I keep trying to please Him and that I do love Him, I don't need to try so hard, or at all.  That He loves me without any conditions.

Yea, I got that just from the 'be simple in my faith for a while' line!  Imagine what I could do with a whole sentence! lol  But, it's not me.  Nope, not one bit.  It's all Bob.  And, as my Podmate will tell you, Bob rocks!

Dancing in the Minefield came from a song I heard on the radio today.  It much like God Gave Me You in that it is to a spouse, but it is also apropos for friends and want to share it with all of you, my friends.  It reminds me of Paul Simon's music a little :D  Sit back and enjoy, my  friends.

Until next time,
Pray for quick healing for my boss, and for Dr. B as he's got the crud.


Sunday, September 26, 2010


I've been feeling really icky lately.  Not just physically mind you, but spiritually and emotionally as well.  It's nothing and everything all that the same time.  It was *the* most awful week at work.  It happens.  But, it was not fun, and usually we have fun.  I won't go into details, but believe me when I say it was awful.

Then something amazing happened yesterday that I wanted to share with you guys.  I went to a chrp 5 meeting.  We haven't had one all year.  I didn't want to go.  Not at all.  Nope.  But, I know the drill (the drill being go even though I don't want to and I'll end up having fun), so I went.  I was there with Julie (Wilmoth amazing lady if you don't already know her), Carol (Johnson, the prayer chain guru), my Patti, and my Mary.  It was a small group but it was amazing.  We shared as we always do and then said a scriptural rosary which is WAY COOL.  It was the first time I've ever done one.  Basically, it's a normal rosary with a scripture verse in between the Hail Mary's.  Now, you think that would have made the rosary way longer, but it didn't.  It did however keep my mind from wandering during a rosary more than it normally does.  I thoroughly enjoyed it!  But, I digress, that's not what I wanted to share with you.

My chrp sister Carol J (Johnson) said something to me that I needed to hear.  Something that way so very, very freeing and life giving at the same time.  She and I had talked briefly on Thursday when we happened upon each other in adoration and talked briefly about a specific prayer.  Then, when I met her again on Saturday morning I mentioned the prayer along with some other stresses that I have had going on lately.  Carol said 'this prayer is stressing you out.  I give you permission to not finish this novena, it's okay.  You can do it again at a later time."  That was so freeing to me.  I didn't realize how much this novena (it's a year novena) was stressing me out.  And that, that is what I wanted to share with all of you.  The little life giving morsel that prayer isn't suppose to be stressful.  Sure, sometimes, you're hearts not really in it and you are doing it out of obligation, and that's a prayer in and of itself and that's okay.  However, prayer isn't suppose to be stressful.  Like Carol did for me, I will do for you.  If you have a prayer that is stressing you out, I give you permission to let it go and pick it back up at another time in your life that will be less stressful.

My day started off really weird, but turned out pretty awesome.  Apparently, the devil does not like me teaching JYM year two.  This is the second week in a row that he has me feeling ill the night before and feeling awful the day of.  he thinks that I'll be all "oh I'm sick, I'll stay home", but I've had this particular feeling before which means I'll feel sick and then decide to stay home from wherever I was suppose to be going only to feel better about an hour later.  But, I digress, I went to the noon Mass and as George and I walked in they were finishing up the rosary.  I KNOW THAT VOICE!!!  I looked at George and said "Is that Alyssa?!?!?!"  So, we scoured the pews and found her and Thad and went to sit behind them.  I love them.  They are so very, very awesome.  My Alyssa just totally cracks me up!  She is so amazingly smart and beautiful and funny and likes turtles, lol  And, I love her. 

Then, George and I taught JYM-year 2 today.  The class was so much more alive this week than last week (which was our first class).  They asked great questions about our faith.  I don't care if it's on topic or not, as long as it's about our faith, one of us, George, Mirah (our aid) or I will answer it.  And, just as I figured, I felt much better.  Then, I got to have Taco Bell with George and Sarah on the way home :D  While I love all my kids, there's just something about having that little extra time with just one of them with George and I.

Then, went home, dropped off Sarah and picked up Jaime and Maria to go to Life Savers to watch To Save A Life.  Such a good movie!  I definitely recommend it!

Now, we are all home, safe and sound.  The kids are in bed and George and I are heading there.  It's another busy week in our household, but that's okay.  I don't mind so much.  If you wouldn't mind, please say a prayer for me for healing.  I'm heading to Dr. B's after work tomorrow so he can check my back and why it's been going all wonky (that's a technical term).  Also, I'd like to welcome back Tammy Duke!  She's been mia from our little group since she moved jobs.  But now, she's back!  HI Tammy!  It was so great to see you tonight!

I pray that all of you have a wonderful and blessed week.  Remember, don't be stressed out by a prayer.  Just talk to God from your heart and you're good.

Until next time,
Enjoy this amazing weather!


Monday, September 20, 2010

It's late, and I'm tired.  Why then, you ask, am I up at 1 in the morning talking to all of you.  Well, in a nutshell, I have lots to say, but nothing to say, really.  Thoughts have been floating in and out for a week or longer lately.  I still wish we could do a mind meld so you could see all I want to tell you without me having to expend the energy to tell you what I want to tell you.

It has been a massively busy week and it's only going to keep going from here.  Everyone is settling into their routines of school and activities and church.  At first, it really doesn't seem like a lot, yet other days, it feels like I don't even get a chance to pee.  Y'know what I mean?

Mass was kind of different today.  I was in my own little world today during Mass.  I listened to the readings, said the prayers and then came time for communion.  George and I got to EM together in the back.  I was the blood of Christ.  And, as I am sharing the blood of Christ with others, most of whom I do not know, there were quite a few others that I knew.  I knew of them, or who they were, or we were great friends.  All to varying degrees.  But something stirred inside of me when it was someone I knew.  For instance, I really felt it when Brian (my Carol's husband whom I love) came up to me.  We smiled at each other and it was a cool moment for me.  In that moment passed so many deep thoughts.  How often have Brian and I ate together?  How many holiday's have our families been together?  The many times we've attended Mass together as a family  How many days, weeks, years, have our families been together?  There is something so inherently cool about sharing this particular meal with people I know and love.  I liken it to eating at McDonald's (or whatever restaurant you choose).  Sometimes, I have the rare opportunity to eat by myself and I'm inside the restaurant and there's all these people around I do not know.  Then, there are times when I go there and I am with a friend and that meal, that same burger you can have all over the world that tastes exactly the same becomes more enjoyable.  Mass is like that for me, specifically, the Eucharist.  Participating in the meal by myself (either giving the meal or receiving the meal) is a spiritual experience in and of itself, but to share that meal with someone I love (again either giving or receiving the meal) heightens my awareness and my love for my God, and my friend with whom I am sharing.  For instance, today with Brian, I thought "this is massively cool."  Not only are he and I family, not only do we know each others faults (and trust me, I've got quite a few) and love each other anyways, he and I share a same faith that brings us together to share a meal.  This is a rare occurrence because we attend different Masses due to our families schedule.  I can tell you, we attend the same Christmas Mass together though!  But, I digress, I was talking about how cool it is to share such a special meal with someone you love.  I hope all of you get that opportunity at one time or another.

Life has not really taken a turn for the worse, it's more of the same.  He is working something in me yet again, Mema and Mom are still dead, Dad still lives in Philly, Carol still works harder than anyone should ever have too, and Tina is still pregnant.  I am still here, sorry Carol, I'm not necessarily walking.  I'm more like a stumbling drunk who's too tired to walk and keeps falling down.  Some days though, I really am trying to walk.  But lately, I'm in a "Dad will you carry me please?" mode.  But, as I said, I am here.  I may not like nor understand the lesson that He is trying to teach me, but I show up everyday, nonetheless.  Greta, what a far cry from five years ago, huh?!?  I know lots of us have been on a rollercoaster lately.  We're chug chug chugging up the hill and what seems like a snails pace.  Look on the bright side, the rush of the wind and the whir of the cart against the tracks, the wind in our smiles as our hands fly to the heavens in praise of Him, yea, that part is on its way!  So, stay with me, hold on to the crossbar that has us fastened in and know that I am riding it with all of you.

Until next time,
I'm leaving you with of my very, very, favs...


Sunday, September 12, 2010

Some days there just are no words, even for me. 

I'm not happy, yet I'm not unhappy.  I'm not sad.  I don't want to be around people, but I don't want to be alone.  I want to talk but I don't want to say anything.  It's like it would be so much better if someone could just do the Vulcan mind meld and touch my head and see what I want to say.  I am just empty.  My spiritual life is blah.  I know He's there.  I know they're all there.  But, I don't feel  much.  I know, it's just another valley.  And, I'm okay with that.  It just get's a little lonely spiritually.

I miss Mema.  I miss my mom, I miss my sister.  I wish my brother would talk to me.  But, these are things, like many others that I have no control over.

I can tell you this.  He is working something with me (as always).  And, as usual, I don't know what it is.  But, I am here, and I am listening.  Whenever He feels like talking.

Until next time,
pray for my friend Sharon who lost her Grandmother.