Monday, November 16, 2009

Be still

It's been a busy two weeks here, and for all of you out there, I am sure. I've been running again. I don't know why I do it, but I do. And, the fun part is, I really don't realize it until God smacks me upside da head. Today's head smack was

The LORD himself will fight for you; you have only to keep still.

I know it's a head smack b/c my first reaction when I read this in my inbox (it was on the St. Jude prayer chain. Carol Johnson (SHOUT OUT!) puts scripture after the requests, way cool!) I was reading today's prayer requests and it was at the bottom. But I digress, I know it was a head smack b/c my first reaction was "huh. I just. Have. To. Keep. Still. That means I'm moving. Ah crap I'm running again!"

You all know how I love to try and control the uncontrollable. And, I'm kinda back at it. I've been stressed over the last couple of weeks for many reasons. Then, one day last week, while I was sleeping, actually sleeping, I dreamt. The dream consisted of stuff that happened throughout the last couple weeks in some form or another. People, animals, conversations, etc. Then, there was a bird in a painting. A black and white sketched bird. The bird came to life and was trying to talk to me. It was Mom. And, of course, at that moment, I woke up. I was crying and totally unhappy, b/c I knew it was Mom and I didn't get to hear what she wanted to tell me. Was it "be kinder to the kids; go easier on myself; or just "hi"?" I don't know, but ever since, I've been blah. In thirty-two days it will be the second anniversary of her death. Wow. Two whole years without mom. It sucked from day one, and it still sucks on day seven hundred and five. Sooooooo, with all this uncontrollable stuff going on, I've decided to control the house. I am becoming a neat freak (with my adhd, I doubt that will last long), but I've painted the master bath (now if only we can fix the shower lol), moved the computer out of the dining room and upstairs into it's own room, I'm currently straightening the dinning room and itching to paint the family room. All before Dad comes on Monday of course! lol Doubtful, but still it gives me a wheel to run my little hamster self on.

Then, I read, I just need to keep still. I think I'll try that for a while.

Until next time,
Enjoy the cool weather!


Thursday, November 5, 2009


These last few days, I have been filled with great loss. Not just from my friend Vickie's passing either. December's coming. The two year anniversary of Mom's death is looming over me like a big black cloud. The kind that's in the cartoons. The one where it rains only on the one person and moves as they move. Yea, it's like that. Then, there is the loss of my beloved Father Antony. Fortunately, he hasn't died, he was just reassigned to India. There's the loss of my grandfather (13 years ago) who was a second dad to me. The loss of my friends Ann, Edith, and John. They have all gone before me. I don't know if it has to do with All Souls being this week or what, all I know is that I have felt such great sorrow and loss these past two days. What is a girl filled with such dread to do? I talked to satan. Yup, you read that right.

This morning was nothing out of the ordinary. Normal mom stuff, sleeping in a little since the kids don't have to catch the bus at o dark 30 anymore. And, they are pretty self sufficient. This insures me maximum snuggle time with my loving husband, George. That is how I like to start my day....lots of snuggles and then a rosary, lol. I realized I hadn't talked to my beloved Dad in a while (George's) and I miss him terribly. I used to talk to him every week, but I've noticed I've pulled away a bit. Sometimes I just want to cry to him over mom. How unfair I still think it is that she isn't with me. How I miss our phone conversations and the sound of her laughter. But, I don't want to have him hurt anymore that he does already, so I keep that to myself. Most days, I am okay, but there are those days where I can barely breathe because the loss of her is so deeply rooted in my heart. But I digress, we were talking about satan.

I went to work this morning and my boss calls me in her office and wants to know if everything is okay. I tell her 'yup'. We have a debbie downer/Eeyore in our group. Totally negative all the time. But, I don't mind so much. Apparently, this particular person told my boss that I am sad b/c 2 people I work with don't like me. WHA? My boss being smart thought she'd come to me first. I told her everything is fine. "I'm sad cause my friend died last week, but that's it". I told her everyone has been nice to me. And that was that. So I went into my head and stayed there for a while. It is here that Bob (aka the Holy Spirit) made me realize that I just might be being attacked. So, I had a talk with satan. Actually, I did the talking. I told him that no matter what he did, what he took from me, no matter how much it would grieve me to have more loss in my life that I would never turn from God. And, that no matter what he said, no matter what I did, or how I behaved, there is nothing that I could do that would stop God from loving me. Nothing. And, there is nothing more powerful than that.

After talking with Dad this morning, I was missing Fr. Antony something fierce. So, I sent him an email. Usually, it takes weeks to get a response. As I was leaving work, I checked my email on my iphone and low and behold there was a gift from God. A beautiful email from Fr. Antony! God is amazing. He truly gives us what we need just when we need it.

You know, while working with the Debbie downer today, as she kept lamenting, I told her to pray. I told her "pray for that person that's what I do". Finally, I told her, I didn't care if anyone liked me or not. "I like me and that is all that matters". She liked that. I can't wait till tomorrow to hear what she tells people I said today! lol So, I try to keep my conversations with her focused on work (this she has a lot to say about) and prayer. Safe topics for me :)

So, the last couple days, I've had a few panic attacks. So great is my sorrow. My favorite gift God has given me is one that I hate the most. It is my heart. While it is wonderful for loving (it overflows with great love) it is wonderful for pain and grieving. My heart feels everything. Especially, grief. At Vickie's memorial my friend Liz Brier gave me the greatest compliment. She wanted to check on me "because I know how you feel things from your toes!". Yes, I do. I am learning to love the sorrow that it brings. A lot of people can hide their true feelings. I cannot. Oh sure, I try every now and then, to no avail. lol My heart just isn't on my sleeve, it is on my finger tips, it is in every breath that I take. So, I thank God for the gift of my beautiful heart, sorrow filled and all. I know that it will not last long. Only for a season.

Until next time,
Advent is coming! Prepare ye the way of the Lord!