Sunday, March 22, 2009

Who are you?

According to my inbox I am:

a fat, out of work male, who smokes,eats pizza and cheesecake, wants to work for craigslist, the gov't, or in the criminal justice field. Who watches tv way too much, needs and new car, a new laptop, and is in desperate need of conversion. My foreclosed house needs an alarm and insurance. Oh, and my pet has fleas. At least my penis size is okay since viagra. At least one email isn't in the box today!

How I am...really

Yesterday at Ched's was fun (except for the two brain dead servers who had me going "seriously! Seriously!")

For those of you who facebook, you know I was missing mom something fierce yesterday. She's like cheese, she makes everything better. Yes, for those keeping score, I did just compare mom to cheese. lol

I have just been overwhelmed. Not sure if everything hit at once, or cuz I'm pmsing, but I had a couple panic attacks yesterday and I am emotionally spent.

What is a girl to do....go church.

So, last night, I take the kids and go to the potluck. I walk in the door immediately to my Kim calling after to me to say hello :) I get to see people I haven't seen in a while. And, being my normal self ask Suzanne if I can get her anything. God love her. She asks me if I ate today! lol I had a sandwich :) I had called a few days ago to talk to Mary Branson and she asked me when my down time is (I have none at the moment). That means the world to me. I take care of people, not the other way around. It is very difficult for me. But, it is lovely and I thank you :)

Then, I get to see Father Antony who I haven't seen in FOREVER! Not only do I know it has been for ever but even he remarked that "where have you been, I haven't seen you in a while!" Now, there are two scenarios here. The first is that I normally try to make confession once a month. It's been three. Knowing what a sinner I am he wants to know where I've been at what trouble I'm getting in too! lol The other is that he hasn't seen me in a while and misses me. I'm going with the second, if nothing but for my ego! lol

Then off to the chrp mass. While they tend to be a little later in the evening, I tend not to care. There is something that happens during this particular mass. There is always a message there for me. Always. Fr. Tim always has some simply profound statement that I need to hear. And, by simply profound I mean something like 'and the sky is blue!' and I'll be all 'ahhhhhhhhhhhhh" lol. So I was at the mass. I was with my family. I was surrounded by my family. My kids next to me. In front of me was my Carol. Also, her and Brian are godparents to Sarah. George sat with them as he got in late. lol On my left was my Kim and Jeff. Also, Godparents to Maria. Behind me was my Suzanne. No Godparent status. I wouldn't wish Jaime on them, lol! As I sat there listening, God had told me many things. One of which was to take my own advice. And He reminded me how I always say "If your feeling Ps: 142 try Ps. 139!" And I thought to 139 "behind and before I encircle you!" Boy was He encircling me last night! Then, Fr. Tim pops off with "the way we get through the trying times is here at St. Jude's. We have something special. We are family." So, the message was clear, I need help, I cannot do it alone. I am not Hercules.

I have trouble asking for help b/c you guys have your own stresses and your own problems why would I add to that? Jeff called me on my bs last night too. After I had said hello to Kim, I eventually made my way to Jeff. He asked how I was and I told him I haven't been doing so well. "Don't tell Kim, tho, I told her I'm fantastic!" lol He replied that they knew. Dagnabit! Foiled again!

I did talk to George. He said the most beautiful thing last night after mass. He said his shoulders were bigger than mine. My thought process is the guy is unemployed, looking for work, stressed on the bills, the kids, the mortgage, the lawn, why would I add to that stress? He said we're in this together. I said I know, that's why I'm the cheerleader! So, everyday, I put on a smile (some days it is actually a genuine smile) to hide the stress and I go about my day.

That said, here is how I *really* am. I need some prayers. Forget some, I need a ton! I am not doing well at all. I am exhausted. I am hungry. I am lonely. I am tired. I want to quit OG, but I am there for the insurance. We are looking into self insurance. I am not made for working two jobs! I miss my friends, I miss my church, I miss singing at the 5pm Mass. I *need* that Mass. I know God can find me always, but I *need* that Mass. I miss seeing my kids (oddly enough I see them enough to watch them fight with each other!). I am missing Mom terribly. I know if I could just talk to her, she'd tell me how much she loves me and that everything is going to be alright. I miss talking to Dad. Instead of every week, it's been every two weeks. I'm sad that my friend from OG is leaving,but extremely happy for her b/c she got a job in a clinic. She's a Dr. in Mexico. Oh, and never, ever, ever, ever, ever, give up eating out for lent! I got this stupid email that said to make this the best lent ever and why not challenge yourself, yada, yada, yada. So, I had the bright idea of not eating out for lent! When working two jobs on the same day and not being home, it is very inconvenient not to eat out! lol And, I miss my therapist. I have had no time, or money, to go see her. ~ Whew!

I think that is everything. So, there you have it my friends. I am not doing so well. But, God has a plan! He *always* has a plan. And, I trust Him. Through this walk He has given me many gifts, a washing machine, a new job that I adore, new friends, and contact with my old ones, the chance to go to Montserrat, my very own cheerleading emails from Julie and Sharon, Tina who listens to me whine on a daily basis and commiserate with me, and the grace to get me through each day. No matter where I work, when they ask me how I am, I *always* say 'happy'. When asked why, I say 'I'm always happy'. I've found this perplexes a lot of people. They ask 'why are you always happy?' And, I say 'b/c I'm breathing and God loves me'. They tend to like that answer and it is the truth. No matter what the day brings, God has been constantly reminding me that He is here with me. That He is walking with me (and sometimes carrying me without me knowing, lol), and that everything is going to be okay.

Until next time,
Know that I love you and I miss you!


Monday, March 16, 2009

Opening Day!


Today is opening day at Cheddar's! I am *so* excited!!!

I was so excited last night that even as tired as I was after working OG, I didn't fall asleep until after 3! I even tried the celestial seasonings sleepytime tea (ick flavor!) and it didn't work! lol Btw- celestial kinda means heaven or space right? Yea, that tea didn't taste anything like I think heaven would have! When I was little (like 5 or 6 maybe) I remember having a distinct conversation with my Mema. I happen to be eating one of my favorite foods at the time Pillsbury Farina. The one with the baby on the box. It has to be the one with the baby on the box. The other one just didn't taste the same. They still make it, but you have to buy it by the case. I know, I checked. And, while I love it, I don't love it a case full. You know what I'm saying?

Anywhoo, I digress. The conversation was on heaven (how I got there I have no clue) but I asked her what you eat in heaven and my Mema said we could eat anything we wanted and my reply was "you mean I can have farina and cucumbers all I want!? lol No, not together, but as a kid, those were my two favorite foods! lol

Yesterday was the most perfect day! There is no way today could be any better! First off, I started the day talking to one of my very favorite people whom I miss so much~Mary Branson! We talked for a good hour and I would've kept talking (no surprise there! lol) but I had to get ready for church. Which leads me to the second cool part of my day.

While talking to Mary, a teen from lifesavers imed me on facebook and asked if I could take her to Mass with me! Are you kidding me!? A teen, who wants to go to Mass! Heck yea! Which leads me to the third cool part of my day.

I get to Mass, get in the pew, and I see my beloved choir. So, I go over to Mike Howard to say "hello". I give him a hug and tell him how much I miss him and singing. He invites me to sing, and when I balk b/c I didn't go to practice, one of my friends asks me to sing and shows me the songs. Not only were they ones I know, but they were my favs! So, I got to SING yesterday! It was like God saying "I haven't heard you sing for me in a while, come, sing!" WOOHOO

Now, as I'm singing one of my fav songs (Better is one day, Rescue)I felt so unbelievable loved at that point. More love than I have felt in I don't know how long. Not the family love, or the friend love. I can't really explain it. But it was an all encompassing love. And, in that moment when I was singing to MY God, MY Dad, I said "If you need to take me home today, it is okay b/c I am blessed and I am loved!" Needless to say, He didn't take me home yet (yea! For some reason, I am much braver in church! lol While I am there, I am happy to go home. When I leave those doors, not so much! lol). Then, after Mass, I had to get ready for work which brings me to the fourth cool part of the day!

I got to see a few of my friends whom I haven't seen in a while! And, the mgr whom I think doesn't like me made us strawberry shakes and pizzas! (Not together!) I was lamenting to noser that I can't figure out why he doesn't like me. "I'm nice, I'm fun, I'm a hard worker!" Noser agreed on all counts! Even last week, she said I had a serving heart like Jesus! I thanked her and told her it was just that I am a middle child and have this inherent need to please! lol I'm working on the compliment thing. Seriously, if she knew what a sinner I was, I doubt she'd say the word Jesus in a sentence with me unless it had the word smite in it! lol I look at it this way, I am not perfect. Go ahead, I know your shocked. Take a second to take that one in. lol I am so not perfect. Therefore, I like to say, if I'm breathing, I am sinning. Jesus however, and Mary for that matter, didn't sin. I am not them. Some days, though, I try to be. It's HARD! Sometimes I get so caught up in my spiritual side I forget about other stuff. Then other times, I get caught up in my life, work, family, friends, I forget about my spiritual side, and some days, both sides duke it out. This is why I am not a gymnast! God did not bless me with coordination. I am not good with balance! But, hey, I'm working on it!

Speaking of which...

I should have been in the shower fifteen minutes ago! lol Suffice it to say, work was fun last night! Oh, and work was the fifth fun thing yesterday! The fourth was I got to talk to George's Dad whom I ADORE! It was weird, through most of the conversation, I kept wanting to ask "so how's mom been?" or "where's mom?" This happens occasionally, and to date, I've been able to catch myself. I am not looking forward to the day when I don't and it pops out. See, I actually DO sometimes think before I speak! I know yunz guys don't think so, but I do SOMETIMES! lol

So, now it's 8:47am on a dreary Monday morning in Allen, TX. The weather is promising sunny and 77 so we will see! The one thing I learned at Ched's last week is that my mood is all attitude. I can choose to be in a good mood. Even if I don't feel like it. So, you guys know me. What do you think I chose today?

Final thought...

Last night at work as I was cleaning I stopped smiling for a minute and my face hurt. I realize I had been smiling most of the day. Not a bad problem to have. And, that's when I remembered that attitude line from Cheddar's and I thought. You know, some days it's just so hard to wear that smile all day! But I will! Almost three months ago, when George was laid off, I said "I trust in God. He has a plan! I then said "if George doesn't get a job by March, as me how my trust level with God is then!" So, here we are in March. George has no job. How is my trust level with God today? I trust in Him. He *is* my portion. A constant friend is He. (to borrow the line from one of His songs). I know He has a plan. I don't know what it is. But, I'm trusting in Him. I mean come on! The guy performed a miracle~my dad bought me a washer! If He can do that, I'm not too worried! Note, I said I'm not *too* worried. I am human, and therefore,I worry a little ;p

Until next time,


Saturday, March 14, 2009

Lent 2009 Day ?

So, I survived my big week! And the good news is that I only had to work both jobs only two days! They were two days in a row, but I did it!

The coolest thing about Ched's is the paper towel dispensers. They're the automatic kind. And, *every*, yes, *every* time I wave my hand in front of them, I say "I am a jedi!" and automatically a paper towel comes out! Now, my friend J4 (that's her nickname) likes to say "Use the force" or "the force is strong with this one" but I love "I am a Jedi!" Hey, you've gotta find the joy, right Mary? That's what I've been telling people all week! lol

I've made some cool new friends and enjoy working with most of the OG crew who came over. This week is opening week so I figure after the next couple weeks, things should thin out. Most of the managers are pretty cool a couple of them have told me they've heard good things about me already! WOOHOO!

I got to talk to my Dr. P friends today and that *always* makes me happy!

I got to spend some time with Tina tonight which I was really happy about but I was so exhausted! So, I didn't get too much time, but just enough :)

Yesterday I got to talk to my Carol for a while before work started and then later in the day. It was so great catching up with her! She totally rocks!

Julie, thank you so much for your inspirational emails! They are such a gift and always come at the right time!

I am exhausted so, I'm going to get some sleep.

Until next time,
Call your friends you haven't talk to in a while. They miss you!

PS. Let's all call Sharon in PA and leave her tons of we miss you messages! Maybe she'll move back!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Lent 2009-Day ?

What day is it? I know Lent isn't over b/c I haven't eaten out and Easter isn't here yet! lol

I am still alive! I haven't gone anywhere, well, except to work, lol!

I have lots to tell, but no time so here are some tidbits to get you through your day:

~no one at Cheddar's can believe I'll be 40 in July. They think late 20's! While I'd like to think this is due to God and my Mary Kay products (thanks Kim!) I think it's more of the fact that my inner child who's now about 12, rules!

~Just like every pregnancy is the same, but every pregnancy is different, the training at Ched's is the same as OG, but different. Yesterday was all about sanitation. Great googly-moogly! I could have taught most of the class (most of the stuff I learned from Dr. P).

~I've gotten closer to my OG friends by working with them at Ched's!


~I have not seen Carol *forever* :(

~I have barely talked to Tina, except for like 5 whole minutes. You laugh, but we call each other like 19 times a day! It was 20, but we cut back.

~I miss my Dr. P friends terribly.

~I can tell you most of Ched's menu at this point (except for the salads).

~I know just about all the burgers by heart.

~I am *tired*.

~I forgot I have to lean on God.

~I miss my Julie time terribly! You inspire me daily, Julie and I love you MORE! hee hee hee. I love how He uses you to remind me of lots of stuff. Especially, that I am loved.

~George's severance ends today.

~If you need any OTC medications, we now have about $400 worth of tylenol, advil, band-aids in the house thanks to the end of our flex-spending! I tried to get tequila, but they said 'no'. Hey, for 'medicinal' purposes! It's an antiseptic! A little on the cut, a little down the hatch, a little on the burn, a little down the hatch! Crikies, I think they were on to me!

~I haven't been sleeping too well. Last night, I dreamt that my brother came home from Iraq and was actually happy to see me. That's how I know I was dreaming. That, and the helicopter, lol.

~Carolina, is it wrong to use the Benadryl brownie recipe for me so I can get some sleep? lol

~Have a wonderful day!

Until next time,
Ched's opens next Monday. So, for all of my loving friends who so kindly ask for me at the OG during the day while I work at night, I can probably come out to see you during the day at Ched's!

Love you All!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Lent 2009-Day 8

It's almost midnight. I am tired. So, why you ask am I not in bed yet? Good question. A) I am hungry, b) I'm not sleep tired, c) no clue.

I had a fairly good day today. I was going to get my legs waxed for the first time today. Was, being the operative word. I like to think that I'm not against trying new things (except crocks. That's just never gonna happen, Tina, at least not in public, lol). So, last week when Tina got her legs waxed I got to tag along (oy the fun we have!). So, I told her I'd try it once, when the monkey's came back. Sadly, I will admit, I am too tired, and too lazy to shave my legs unless the monkey's appear. Where was I, oh, fairly good day. Got it. Took two out of three kids to the dentist for cleanings (Sarah goes Friday). Turns out my dental insurance is better than the one we had with George! Way to go OG! Not exactly sure about the medical yet. Every time I try to register online, it says 'not a valid group #' even though I am reading it correctly, with my new classes on! So, I shot hr an email. Hopefully, they'll email tomorrow. And, in the grand scheme of things, I figured I'd put off having hot wax poured on my legs and then ripped off. I think I'll save that for another day!

I got to talk to my Carol today! I miss hanging out with her. Having two best friends who know and love me so well is awesome. That means there's always someone available to listen to me complain and tell baaaaad jokes ( a midget walks into a bar and says "ow!" Don't blame me, I got that one at work last night!) It is always great connecting with Carol. I've realized though that I can't go very long without talking to her. It makes it seem like something is missing in my soul. There is a connection there, from her to me. From my family to hers. She's been busy getting ready for open house at rainbow day's and being a wife and a mom. She rocks on all accounts!

One of the reasons I'm up is George. He's been so sweet these last couple days. He is currently at Kroger getting me ice cream. I don't like ice cream. Let me rephrase that. I am not addicted to ice cream. I like it every once in a while. Carol and George will attest that I am the goop person, not the ice cream person. The ice cream is just a holder for the goop.

A couple weeks ago, we went to Braum's after the Winterlude and I tried Cake Batter Ice Cream. It was pure heaven! I'm at the tail end of pmsing so I grant myself little 'indulgences' for my 'health', my husbands sanity, and my kids happiness. So tonight on the way home from RE (I don't think I'll ever get use to not calling it CCD!) I stopped off at Braum's with a way to have my ice cream and circumvent my giving up eating out for lent sacrifice. Braum's is like a grocery store. If I buy the ice cream in the carton it's the same as going to Kroger's! A-HA! Unfortunately, it wasn't there, so I went to ask at the counter thinking they could tell me if they had some. Turns out they don't even have it over there anymore GASP! At this point, I was getting a headache and too tired to go to Kroger's and I just went home. So, my loving husband, at midnight, has made a trek to Kroger's so I can have some ice cream.

Still no jobs yet for George. God has a plan. This walk has us raw with emotions, expectant with hope, and encompassed in His love.

George is home with my ice cream. He even found cake batter flavor. Am I blessed or what?! Tomorrow is another day off for me, but I'm going in to fill in for a guy I work with. I could use the hours. And, then next week I start training at Cheddar's.

Oh, btw-I got a clean bill of health on my mammogram! Yea!

I'm gonna try to get some sleep now.

Until next time,
Life is like ice cream and the goop. It's not about the ice cream, it's the goop we put on top. Life is the ice cream and the friends are the goop on top!


Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Lent 2009 Day 7

In the things that are cool post-I was reminded by my Mary, that friends, especially friends that are praying for you are cool! Yup, Mary, you are right, they and you are way cool!

So, I think I'm convinced that life is like bacon.

Let me explain.

I love bacon. No, more than that. I mean I seriously love bacon. I love the smell that wafts through the house as it cooks. Bacon is the ultimate in comfort food. In fact, my favorite breakfast is a egg/plain bagel toasted (not burnt as I sometimes do) with french's yellow mustard (yes, it has to be french's) and bacon. There is nothing better. Actually, there is even a bacon alarm clock. See here:

What I dislike is cooking the bacon. The frying pan takes forever and it sits in the grease. So for years, I've made it in the microwave. You put a few slices between two sheets of paper towels which soaks up the grease and cook one minute for each slice. Not really rocket science. Apparently, after my fiasco this morning, rocket science might be a little easier, lol.

If you cook the bacon too long, it's burnt and there is nothing worse than eating than burnt bacon (liver might be a close second). The other option is getting it out ahead of time and now you've got raw bacon. That is still worse than the liver. I have in the past, in my zeal to eat my bacon, taken the bacon out early only to halfway through the sandwich go "awwwwwwwwwwww man! It's raw!".

So, this morning I go to make my bacon sandwich. I burnt my bagel a little, but with George out of work, I'm not gonna toss a bagel. (that sounds like a weird game 'toss the bagel). You think that would've given me a heads up. So, I put the bacon in the microwave 5 slices, 5 minutes. Still not done. Another minute. Still not done. A minute and thirty, I'm hungry. The meat parts are not raw/not burnt. The fatty parts remained fatty. I pile my bacon onto my burnt bagel with mustard. And go to eat.

Halfway through I'm thinkin, this is a great sandwich, then, I bite into a fatty part. Not so great now. Then, after the sandwich, you can feel the fatty parts just sit in my stomach. Yikes. Too much bacon for the sandwich. Two slices is to little, five is too many. And, I don't have enough bagels, or stomach lining to try this everyday. lol

So, now that you've stuck with me this far. How is life like bacon? Well, it's a timing thing. God's time, my time. With bacon, it's a microwave time, my time thing.

In both cases, I try to hurry it along and end up mucking up the works. If I'd just be patient (go ahead, I'll wait while you have a good laugh)...If I'd just be patient, and let the bacon cook till it's ready, I'd have a great sandwich.

I try to hurry God's time along. "Can't George have a job today?" But His timing is perfect. I'm sure there's some microwave out there that makes bacon in like 30 seconds, but then it's probably like a gazillion dollars. See, I like that God takes care of me and wants the best for me and wants me to grow. I dislike the hard work and the struggles (and I'm sure you all just loooooooooove them!). It's like the bacon. I love the bacon, just hate the cooking. So there you have it. Life is like bacon. Wonderfully delicious! So, I guess God is telling me I have to work on my patience. ~Sigh~ Why couldn't it be something easier, y'know, like painting the Sistene Chapel or something!

Until next time,
Have some bacon with your lunch :)

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Things that are cool

~ Seeing a kid (he's got to be at least 20) I work with at OG in the communion line at St. Jude's.

~ Finding out Pammie, my fav manager from the OG goes is Catholic and goes to St. Gabriel's in McKinney.

~ Hearing "Where have you been? I haven't seen you in forever!" After having three days off in a row.

~ Starting a new lenten tradition of Friday dinner and Rosary with Tina.

~ Phone time with my Carol whom I haven't seen in *forever*

~ Getting a super big hug after Mass from my dear friend Suzanne whom I haven't seen in *forever*.

~ My son's deep voice, big hands, and height. Notice, I did not say hair. I am not a big fan of his hair, lol.

~ My dad and Sarah giving me a washer.

~ My husband installing a washer!

~ George's new contacts!

~ God reminding me that He is *always* here for me.

~ God.

~ St. Jude's.

~ My family.

Until next time,
What's on your cool list?

Lent 2009 Day 5

I know it's day 5 but I want to share something that happened on day 3 with you. I'm still kind of in awe of it *still*.

As you well know, I had a rough time of it a couple days ago. I lamented how I need a new washer (have for a year), a lawnmower yada, yada, yada. So, I decided to go to Lowe's to see if I can get a washer, dryer and a lawnmower. On the way in I said two Hail Mary's and *reminded* God of His promise to take care of me.

So, I go in and not too soon later, I walked out without a washer, dryer, or lawnmower. A little bummed, I called one of my bff's and I said "God has a plan,and I'm going with that."

I called my dad. We've been talking every couple weeks lately. I told him about my new job of which he was a little concerned. I told him I got a good bill of health from the doctors and that almost 40 isn't that old (apparently 40 is the new 30 I was told this at crhp yesterday!!!). He was genuinely concerned and that was lovely. In passing, I mentioned the washer, dryer, and lawnmower.

Later in the day, Dad and Sarah called and I was unavailable. So, I called back and talked to both of them. They wanted to know what was closer to me, Frisco, Plano, or Richardson. So, I said 'Plano'. They said, they wanted me to go to Sears and Plano and look at the Kenmore 500. They wanted to get us a washer! Dad told Sarah about my second job and everything. Sarah told Dad in no uncertain terms that as a mom of 3, I cannot be without a washer and I need a heavy duty one.

I of course thanked them profusely and we hung up. I was so shocked I had a mini panic attack. So, I go to Sears and get a washer! Get it home (yea mini van!) and my husband, *my husband* who is uncomfortable doing any home repairs installed the washer!!!!

Now, as I'm standing in Sears with my son, I am in awe of God. He met my need. He kept His promise. I went to Lowe's and wanted a front loader with bells and whistles. God says no. James and I sang the Rolling Stone's You Can't Always Get What You Want (but if you try sometimes you just might find, you get what you need). God didn't give me what I wanted, He gave me what I needed! And, He used my Dad and Sarah to do this.

This is amazing to me. My Dad, whom 11 years ago had the utilities turned off while I was a single mom living in his house with my mom (he had moved out at that point), my dad whom during the two previous layoffs was nowhere to be found, my dad. My Dad!!! It's not about the washer. It's about my dad and Sarah. It's about their compassion, their love. It's about God keeping His promise amidst all the turmoil that has been engulfing me as of late. It was a reminder that He hears me. That He'll never forget me, and that this walk I am on with Him, is for a purpose.

You cannot tell me there is no God. You can't. He is keeping His promises. His way. Not mine. He so rocks! I don't think I'll ever stop being in awe of Him, and truth is I don't ever want to.

And look at all He's done...five years ago, I had no relationship with my dad or my sister. Now, they both actively call *me*. My sister Tina and I are pretty close, we're working on it. And my dad...we are constantly a work in progress, but you know what? He loves me. Maybe not the way I wanted or needed him too, but he loves me and in the grand scheme of things, I think that rocks!

Until next time,
say a prayer of thanksgiving for my dad and Sarah