Sunday, March 22, 2009

How I am...really

Yesterday at Ched's was fun (except for the two brain dead servers who had me going "seriously! Seriously!")

For those of you who facebook, you know I was missing mom something fierce yesterday. She's like cheese, she makes everything better. Yes, for those keeping score, I did just compare mom to cheese. lol

I have just been overwhelmed. Not sure if everything hit at once, or cuz I'm pmsing, but I had a couple panic attacks yesterday and I am emotionally spent.

What is a girl to do....go church.

So, last night, I take the kids and go to the potluck. I walk in the door immediately to my Kim calling after to me to say hello :) I get to see people I haven't seen in a while. And, being my normal self ask Suzanne if I can get her anything. God love her. She asks me if I ate today! lol I had a sandwich :) I had called a few days ago to talk to Mary Branson and she asked me when my down time is (I have none at the moment). That means the world to me. I take care of people, not the other way around. It is very difficult for me. But, it is lovely and I thank you :)

Then, I get to see Father Antony who I haven't seen in FOREVER! Not only do I know it has been for ever but even he remarked that "where have you been, I haven't seen you in a while!" Now, there are two scenarios here. The first is that I normally try to make confession once a month. It's been three. Knowing what a sinner I am he wants to know where I've been at what trouble I'm getting in too! lol The other is that he hasn't seen me in a while and misses me. I'm going with the second, if nothing but for my ego! lol

Then off to the chrp mass. While they tend to be a little later in the evening, I tend not to care. There is something that happens during this particular mass. There is always a message there for me. Always. Fr. Tim always has some simply profound statement that I need to hear. And, by simply profound I mean something like 'and the sky is blue!' and I'll be all 'ahhhhhhhhhhhhh" lol. So I was at the mass. I was with my family. I was surrounded by my family. My kids next to me. In front of me was my Carol. Also, her and Brian are godparents to Sarah. George sat with them as he got in late. lol On my left was my Kim and Jeff. Also, Godparents to Maria. Behind me was my Suzanne. No Godparent status. I wouldn't wish Jaime on them, lol! As I sat there listening, God had told me many things. One of which was to take my own advice. And He reminded me how I always say "If your feeling Ps: 142 try Ps. 139!" And I thought to 139 "behind and before I encircle you!" Boy was He encircling me last night! Then, Fr. Tim pops off with "the way we get through the trying times is here at St. Jude's. We have something special. We are family." So, the message was clear, I need help, I cannot do it alone. I am not Hercules.

I have trouble asking for help b/c you guys have your own stresses and your own problems why would I add to that? Jeff called me on my bs last night too. After I had said hello to Kim, I eventually made my way to Jeff. He asked how I was and I told him I haven't been doing so well. "Don't tell Kim, tho, I told her I'm fantastic!" lol He replied that they knew. Dagnabit! Foiled again!

I did talk to George. He said the most beautiful thing last night after mass. He said his shoulders were bigger than mine. My thought process is the guy is unemployed, looking for work, stressed on the bills, the kids, the mortgage, the lawn, why would I add to that stress? He said we're in this together. I said I know, that's why I'm the cheerleader! So, everyday, I put on a smile (some days it is actually a genuine smile) to hide the stress and I go about my day.

That said, here is how I *really* am. I need some prayers. Forget some, I need a ton! I am not doing well at all. I am exhausted. I am hungry. I am lonely. I am tired. I want to quit OG, but I am there for the insurance. We are looking into self insurance. I am not made for working two jobs! I miss my friends, I miss my church, I miss singing at the 5pm Mass. I *need* that Mass. I know God can find me always, but I *need* that Mass. I miss seeing my kids (oddly enough I see them enough to watch them fight with each other!). I am missing Mom terribly. I know if I could just talk to her, she'd tell me how much she loves me and that everything is going to be alright. I miss talking to Dad. Instead of every week, it's been every two weeks. I'm sad that my friend from OG is leaving,but extremely happy for her b/c she got a job in a clinic. She's a Dr. in Mexico. Oh, and never, ever, ever, ever, ever, give up eating out for lent! I got this stupid email that said to make this the best lent ever and why not challenge yourself, yada, yada, yada. So, I had the bright idea of not eating out for lent! When working two jobs on the same day and not being home, it is very inconvenient not to eat out! lol And, I miss my therapist. I have had no time, or money, to go see her. ~ Whew!

I think that is everything. So, there you have it my friends. I am not doing so well. But, God has a plan! He *always* has a plan. And, I trust Him. Through this walk He has given me many gifts, a washing machine, a new job that I adore, new friends, and contact with my old ones, the chance to go to Montserrat, my very own cheerleading emails from Julie and Sharon, Tina who listens to me whine on a daily basis and commiserate with me, and the grace to get me through each day. No matter where I work, when they ask me how I am, I *always* say 'happy'. When asked why, I say 'I'm always happy'. I've found this perplexes a lot of people. They ask 'why are you always happy?' And, I say 'b/c I'm breathing and God loves me'. They tend to like that answer and it is the truth. No matter what the day brings, God has been constantly reminding me that He is here with me. That He is walking with me (and sometimes carrying me without me knowing, lol), and that everything is going to be okay.

Until next time,
Know that I love you and I miss you!


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