Monday, November 24, 2008

Good Grief, Charlie Brown!

Death is not new to me. On average, someone I love has died every four years. From an elderly woman who was my first good friend when I was a teenager, to my dad's dad whom I didn't know all that well, to my grandpa (my mom's dad) when I was in my twenties which was my first real grief, to John, my first love (I just found this one out a few months ago. He died 8 years ago. This one really sucked), to Mom almost a year ago, in which the pain was so bad, I thought I was going to die from a broken heart. What is new to me is the varying degrees of grief. And, how it has made me a more compassionate person.

I must confess whenever I heard someones mother-in-law or other in-law passed I always said the right things, but thought 'dude, they're an in-law, how close could you be?' Then, Mom passed. She was an in-law in name only. She was much more than that. Just b/c we weren't related by blood, doesn't mean that I didn't love her more than anything else. Yes, I even love her more than my chocolate-raspberry milano cookies.

Earlier this year, my dear friend Patti, lost her mother-in-law, Barb. She was as close to her as I was to my mom. Then, two days later, my friend Tina, lost her mom. Before that, my friend Myra lost her Mom. And now, just a couple weeks ago, my friend Evelyn lost her dad. I had a friend Lori, who lost her brother-in-law too. And then there's Liz. Liz lost her mom a year ago. She has been the one who 'get's it'. Who understand what I mean when I say "It's a mom day." Yes, my other friends try and they do well. But there's something to be said when Liz can look into my watery eyes on any given day and know *exactly* what's going on. What stage of grief I am in. And, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Everyone grieve differently. Person from person, man from woman. It doesn't matter, just b/c we don't cry, or we cry all over the place; we laugh or make jokes, we are or are uber serious. We run the gamet of emotions. And, any way we choose to grieve is perfect grief. It is our grief. It is how we deal.

What get's me through? Each of you. I don't have to pretend everything is okay. I don't have to pretend that my grieving is over. Each of you lift me up as I lay on my mat and lower me down through the roof. I thank you for your love, support and prayers.

Until next time,
Know that I love each of you and am praying for you as well.


Sunday, November 23, 2008

Look who I found!

I must confess, I have been struggling greatly lately. Advent starts this coming Sunday (I break out in tears); Thanksgiving is Thursday (I break out in tears); the anniversary of Mom's death is only a few weeks away (I break out in tears). Advent means it's getting closer to the anniversary of Mom's death. Every year, faithfully, the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, I would call Mom with Turkey questions. I cannot do that this year.

I have been avoiding God. I don't want to talk to Him. I'm irritated at Him. I'm selfish. And, while I'm being selfish, He has been letting me know all week just how much He loves me. He had people telling me beautiful things all week. He had a friend at work tell me that since I'm moving to the shop, they'll do more business b/c people will be coming to see me; one friend said "there are moments hanging out with you that are just priceless!" and He had another friend tell me that "we work well because we hold each others hand and we jump." All made me feel beautiful. All made me feel loved. And, all came from Him.

Last night I had the opportunity for adoration. Which is a beautiful thing in and of itself. But then, I was able to spend three, yes *three* uninterrupted hours by myself with Jesus! He and I spent a wonderful evening together. There is something freeing about talking to Jesus out loud with no one there but Jesus and I. Then with about fifteen minutes to go, a friend came to join me for adoration. She joined me on the floor, in front of Jesus and we both talked to Him. Together. We prayed to Him about things and talked to Him about things and it was truly beautiful to share something so personal with someone I love so much.

At the end of adoration, I headed home. I headed home filled with peace and the knowledge that I am loved and even when I don't want to listen to Him. Even when I'm irritated with Him. Even when I feel totally abandoned by everyone and everything. He is there. He will always be there. He loves me. And, no matter how far I wander off from Him, He is never far from me.

Until next time,
Talk to Dad, go to adoration if you can, and spend time in His presence.


Monday, November 17, 2008

Leaving 99

It feels good to be so loved. Especially on days like today.
Until next time,
Enjoy the video.


So, I didn't get the Cheesecake Job. That's okay.

I called Olive Garden on Thursday and inquired about the new one in Allen and spoke to the manager. He said to go in last Friday. So, I did. I had a mini interview that went really well. Spoke with one of the trainers. They even gave me a few applications for the people that I work with. The bad news is that they're not doing anything with the apps until Dec 8th. More waiting.

Today, I found out this is most likely my last week on my station, then Evil Troll is moving me to the gift shop. I SO DON'T WANT TO GO TO THE SHOP! With every fiber of my being, I don't want to be a cashier!!!! They also had me go home early b/c we weren't that busy. Y'know, there's other employees they could've sent home. But since I'm irritable and tired of their crap, the less I have to be there, the better.

Then, today, I applied at Victoria's Secret. I worked for them almost 20 years ago. It's less money, but more hours and the sooner I can get out of Dr. Pepper and the gift shop, the better. Then, I'll have something until Olive Garden comes through (if they come through).

I'm not happy. Actually, I'm sad and somewhat heartbroken. I just like the people that I work with. Even the customers. I can't even tell them that my station is closing. It's like one day I'll be there and the next, I'll be gone and in the stupid shop.


So, tonight after Victoria's Secret, I came home, went upstairs, changed and laid in bed and started to pray to Dad. I gave Him a lot for His to do list. I'll try not to take it back. I don't recommend praying while laying down as I fell asleep for a few minutes, but I think it was His gift to me. Matthew 11:28-30 'come to me all you who are labor and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am meek and humble of heart. For my yoke is easy and my burden light.'

I came to Him. And, He gave me rest. Interesting. Hopefully, He'll give me a job at Olive Garden with my friends.

Until next time,
Say a prayer for the repose of the soul of my mom, make yourself a cup of tea, and enjoy the weather.


PS. Here is something that makes me smile....My family Carol, Kim, and Tina all in one place with me :)

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

What a day!

So, you guys know how much I love my job, evil troll not withstanding. There's been rumblings of stations closing and that the management was leaving but that we'd be okay.

Yesterday, the evil troll decides to tell me before the lunch rush that in two weeks they're closing my station. Then she says I'll work in the company store (just down the hall) for a few weeks until that closes and then they'll move me to another account. There' one available right now, in Carrolton. So, now I'm upset. I don't want to go to Carrolton (they do have other accounts). I go to finish getting ready for lunch and she then comes up and tells me not to tell anyone b/c she doesn't want them to worry about their positions!

Now, I'm fuming and trying to hold back tears. When I get angry I cry. I not only love my job b/c of my customers. I love my job b/c of the people that I work with. How often do you get a job where you get along with *everybody*?! Plus, I've grown quite attached to a couple people there and I cannot imagine not seeing them everyday. So now I'm even angrier. I tried to calm myself with the fact that at least at the store I'd be able to see everyone during our lunch break. Turns out that wont happen. My lunch would be at 11 instead of 1:30 so I can't even talk to them. What is worse, is that my friends see that I'm upset and they know that Evil Troll had something to do with it. I just can't tell them. Ahhh, but if they guess I didn't tell them! lol I might try that today. So here are my friends who want to help, but don't know how. So, they did the next best thing. One gave me a hug (which I get all the time, this one was an extra one) and another one says "smile, God loves you." So, I smiled and said He was the only one and she said "No, a lot of people here love you."

Sadly, even the customers noticed something was up. Instead of saying "wonderful" when asked how I was, I would say "Good. Or Great." They would look at me at knew something was wrong. And gave me extra smiles or have a good days. I tried to hide the fact that the day was now in the crapper, but you guys have met me. You know me. There are two things I'm bad at. Lying and acting (George would say humor too lol). So, it was pretty easy to pick up on my mood.

So, I'm fuming and I say to the chef "I can't believe she couldn't have waited until the end of the day to tell me this!" He sees I'm upset. Follows me and I begin to tell him what happen (as if he didn't already know!) and I cry. It was very hard not too. I want to go home. He says maybe I can leave early. In the course of the next 30 minutes he has me go talk to evil troll who the minute I walk into her office starts YELLING at me! Now, I'm no manager, but I'm pretty sure YELLING at your employee is not only bad form, but not allowed. She doesn't understand why I'm so upset. I'm not getting fired. blah..blah..blah. This woman has no heart and no soul, so I'm not going to waste my breath explaining anything to her. I resist the urge to wish that she gets run over by a truck on the way home.

As it turns out, my position isn't the only one disappearing. So, I decided yesterday that I'm going to leave (God willing) before I have to work in the store and be isolated (I'd be by myself. Granted, I'd be in good company lol). So yesterday, I applied at a couple places, Mimi's and Cheesecake Factory both here in Allen. I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY want the Cheesecake job! So I am selfishly asking for prayers that I get the Cheesecake job.

I of course called George during work when I could, then on the way home I called Tina (M). After rehashing the day I was in tears. Now, keep in mind, I'm pmsing and it's been a really bad week and then a craptastick day. I was crying pretty bad. She had me come over just so she could give me a hug (awwwwwwwww!). Then, I had crhp outreach last night. Didn't want to go. George said I should so I did. I hate it when he's right (which is most of the time). He and Carol cornered the market on being right which doesn't bode well often for me! lol

I know God has a plan. I know He loves me. I know everything will be okay. I just want His plan to include the Cheesecake Factory, is that so wrong?! lol

Please pray that today goes well. That the Evil Troll ignores me and lets me work in peace and that I get the Cheesecake job.

Until next time,
Appreciate your coworkers, pray for your bosses, love one another.


Saturday, November 8, 2008

I am home

So, I stopped by the craft fair yesterday. I like going and seeing all the neat stuff. I always see a few items I would like for me, but usually it's stuff for my friends. "oooh, my Carol would like this! Look, a butterfly for Tina!" But with funds being as they are I was just window shopping. Today, I went to the fair as a volunteer in the kitchen. It was *way* cool.

The great thing about the craft fair is I get to see people that I don't have the opportunity to since I've started working. I can't tell you the joy I derived from going behind the tables of a few booths of people I haven't seen in forever and get these really big gigantor hugs. And if that weren't enough, there was a lot of "I miss you! I *so* miss you. It is *so* good to see you!" St. Jude's is definitely good for my ego! lol

I really needed this weekend at the fair. Seeing all these people, getting all these hugs I have felt so loved! I think we tend to take each other for granted. We take our friendships and relationships for granted. And we are all going so fast, that we needs these reminders to stop, rewind, and take a break. God is talking to us through others. He's letting us know that we are loved. That He misses us. That He wants us to spend time with our friends and with Him. He gave us these friendships and we need to nourish them.

St. Jude's is my home. It's not just my parish. It is my home. I have laughed there. Cried there. Gotten angry there. worked there. Slept there. Confessed my sins. Laid it all bare there. I have spent time with my mother there. I have spent time with my father there. I have celebrated and mourned there. I have gained friendships there. I have strengthened friendships there. I have gained a family there. A heavenly family and an earthly family. There is no pretense there. No matter what mood I am or how I am feeling, when I walk onto the grounds I am at peace, I am home. I am loved.

Until next time,
Remember, I love you deeply.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Cause you got to have friends....

I have a small group of friends whom I love and adore. Over the past year I have become quite close with a few others whom I so love and adore.

I'd like to tell you about one such friend. I have known her for a few years. Enough to see her in the halls at church and say "hi". But I didn't *know* her. Then, a few weeks ago we went on the Rockin C retreat and she and I got closer. We are also in the St. Mark's CRHP together. And, through these Tuesday evenings we have gotten to know each other very well.

Last night was our regular Tuesday meeting and I had a rough time sharing some prayers that were on my heart. Mainly, Mom. After prayer time, she motioned across the room for me to come over to her. I did, and she put her arm around me and took me for a walk. The nature of the walk and our conversation I will not share. A) because it is between me and my friend, and b) because it is a moment in time that I cherish that I want to keep selfishly to myself. Each of my friendships are special in so many different ways. From Carol who loves me unconditionally no matter what, to Kim who loves me not just in spite of my goofiness, but b/c of it to Tina (Myers) who makes me laugh till I snort, to the others whom I hold just as close. This particular relationship is special to me b/c she doesn't let people in readily and for some reason saw something in me and said "hey, I think I'll let her in." In our short friendship we have laughed together and we have cried together. The great thing about our relationship is that there is no end. I can't wait to watch our friendship grow!

Carolina, you are a true gift from God and I am blessed beyond all measure that He brought us together! I love you :)

Until next time,
Call and old friend, make a new one, and make yourself laugh! I keep myself in stitches!!



What ever happened to the after school specials? You remember them? The tv shows on 'after school' that taught us never to get in a car with a stranger, not to play with matches, to just say no, and that really, not everyone is 'doing it'!

Clearly, we need to write to some tv station somewhere. Albeit it cheesy, I didn't play with matches, talk to strangers, get in anyone's car or try drugs.

My kids, while mostly good are going to drive me back to therapy at an alarming rate. James is 14. He is testing his boundaries and my patience (or lack thereof) and my limits. Then there is Maria and Sarah, 12 and 11 respectively. So far we just have minor school issues with them, friend issues and occasionally major drama queen issues with the resident drama queen, Sarah. I don't know how I am going to make it through their teen years. How many other parents who came before me survived, I will never, ever know. While I wasn't the perfect kid, I didn't do anything nearly as off the charts as my kids. And technically, I should be happy my children aren't as bad as Cain and Able or Jacob and Esau.

In my defense, I am pmsing. I am out of chocolate. And, I am out of my chocolate milano cookies. ~sigh~ Calgon take me away!!! The sad part about calgon is that as a mom you can't even enjoy it. Say you get a minute to take that relaxing bath. It only lasts 20 minutes and those twenty minute are filled with the screams of the needs of the spawns of my loins from the rooms below. Clearly the woman on the commercial had a maid or a nanny or stepford children who left her alone so she could enjoy said relaxing bath. I have none of those things. And truth be told, the stepford kid thing would freak me out. Although the maid thing I could get use to!

Until next time,
Hug your kids, pray for me and mine, and enjoy this beautiful weather!

A couple things to share

First off, thank you to all that voted, whomever you voted for. I don't know if it's b/c I'm a military brat or not, but I get so overwhelmed by the liberties that we have in this country and the right to vote is just simply breathtaking. I realize that our new president is not one that many of us had wanted. It's okay to be disappointed, but now I ask for your prayers for our new president. Your new president. My new president.

Did I ever tell you I worked for the government? Federal and State? Well, I did. And one of my favorite things is taking the Oath to "support and defend the constitution of the United States..." It's a similar version to which the enlisted soldiers and the president take. It is the coolest thing in the world to me (next to Suzanne, she's uber cool! Happy Birthday Suzanne!) So, while I do not agree with the choice, I am still happy to be living in a country that gives us a choice, and I will support my president and I ask you to do the same.

Secondly, totally unrelated to the first...

You know the stages of grief form that goes around? I found mine the other day and I lost it. So, I made up my own. In six weeks I will be celebrating mom's trip home to God. So, I'm a little wonkie emotionally for a while. Yes, this is in addition to my normal emotional wonkiness.

The Stages of Grief:

This isn't fair.
Death sucks.
No, seriously, this isn't fair!
Can I come too...oh wait, not ready yet!
I'm Angry.
I'm angry at God.
I'm angry at my family.
I'm angry at the weather.
I'm just plain angry.
You want me to cook what? Dinner? I'm grieving here you're lucky my butt is out of bed!
I miss you lots and lots.
Hey, showering isn't so bad!
No, I'm not fine. I'm not ever going to be fine again. Quit asking.
Yes, you want to do something for me? Bring my loved one back.
More Anger.
Dude, I didn't think I had anymore tears left. Guess I was wrong.
Hey, did you see the sun today?
Look, honey, I remembered how to do the laundry.
Thank you spouse for picking up my slack.
Wow, the sun really does get up in the morning.
Crap, it's almost a year!
More Anger.
Lots more tears.
That's as far as I got as that's as far as I am. It will get better.

Have a blessed day and until next time,
Pray for our president, pray for me, and pray for my mom.


Monday, November 3, 2008

Did You Know

That there are some Catholics who are going to vote for Obama? Do you know that they are even in our own parish and other parishes in the diocese? Our Bishop of Dallas and of Ft. Worth have put out facts that every Catholic needs to know in order to vote without committing a mortal sin. Yes, that's right, a mortal sin. Father Corapi even put out a video which I posted here.

To those in our parish who want to vote for Obama, I ask you what is more important, economics or LIFE? Here is a message from Catholic City that I received today. Please pray that our brothers and sisters in Christ choose Life!

Until next time,


The CatholiCity Message
Volume XII, Number 11

Dear CatholiCity Citizen,

We hope you have been following the news on the homepage.

Please bear in mind two major tactics of the evil one. First, he deceives. Second, he discourages. The deceptions in the media are at times overwhelming, and have many of us not felt in our gut a keen temptation of despair or discouragement during the past few months and in recent weeks?

The presidential election concerns many issues that Christians can legitimately debate, but for most CatholiCity Citizens, it is primarily a life or death referendum for those who cannot vote: unborn babies.

Here is what Bishop Finn of Missouri wrote on the subject:

"Together with the other Bishops of Missouri I am calling on all the faithful to make this last week before the election a week of prayer for our nation -- a week of prayer for the protection of Human Life. In 1571, in the midst of the Battle of Lepanto, when the future of Christian Europe was in the balance and the odds against them were overwhelming, prayer to Our Lady of the Rosary brought the decisive victory. We ask her now to watch over our country and bring us the victory of life."

"Our Catholic moral principles teach that a candidate's promise of economic prosperity is insufficient to justify their constant support of abortion laws, including partial-birth abortion, and infanticide for born-alive infants. Promotion of the Freedom of Choice Act is a pledge to eliminate every single limit on abortions achieved over the last thirty-five years. I ask you to join me in invoking the Guardian Angels of 47 million babies lost through abortion in our country in the last thirty-five years. This horrendous loss of life remains one of the greatest threats to human civilization we have ever faced."

We understand, sadly, that a very small portion of our readers do not believe that local and national elections significantly effect whether unborn babies live or die. We respectfully invite you to read about the consequences Bishop Finn referred to above, along with other life-issues consequences, as documented by the Priests for Life website, in order to make an informed decision:

There seems to be some evidence that polling was even less reliable than usual during this election cycle, and even that some polls are manipulated to discourage certain voters. As Karl Rove documents, the polls were misleading in 2000 and 2004:

Bear in mind that polls do not take into account our prayers or the prayers of tens of millions of faithful Christians, Catholic and Evangelical alike.

God is all-powerful, and He greatly desires to answer our prayers. He can and will influence voters and circumstances on Election Day. So as we join together now in prayer, please do so with an abiding sense of faith and peace, in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit:

"Dear Jesus, King of Kings and Lord or Lords, pour your grace into the hearts of voters in the United States as we prepare for the upcoming election. Secure for us leaders who will bring our country closer to Your holy will."

"Saint Michael the Archangel, defend us in the day of battle. Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil. May God rebuke him, we humbly pray, and do thou, O Prince of the Heavenly Host, by the power of God, cast into hell satan and all the evil spirits who prowl about the world seeking the ruin of souls. Amen."

"Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen."

Our Lady of Guadalupe, Patroness of the Americas and the Unborn, pray for us.
Saints Katharine Drexel and Elizabeth Ann Seton, American saints, pray for us.
Saint Thomas More, Patron of Politicians, pray for us.
Saint Jude, Patron of Impossible Causes, pray for us,
Saint Joseph, King of Silence, pray for us,
Saint Anthony, Miracle Worker, pray for us,
Saint Josemaria Escriva, Powerful Intercessor, pray for us,
Saint Maximilian Kolbe, Martyr of Love, pray for us,
Saint Therese the Little Flower, Friend in Heaven, pray for us,
Immaculate Mary, Patroness of the United States, crush the serpent's head!

Merciful Jesus, for the sake of your sorrowful passion,
have mercy on us and on the whole world!

Almighty Father in heaven, release Saint Michael now!
Almighty Father in heaven, release Saint Michael now!

Amen. Thank you. We will return shortly after the election.

With Christ,

Your Friends at CatholiCity

It's been a while

I know I had a flurry of blogging going on last week and then it seemed like there was nothing. Well, at least to me. Thank you for all your kind words, every one.

I just wanted to remind everyone who hasn't yet to get out there and vote tomorrow! Vote for LIFE!

I have pictures of our Halloween Party from Saturday that I'll be posting later, maybe tonight. I'm still waiting on the one from the Rockin C retreat with me on a horse and Nancy is having technical difficulties with her system so when I get the motorcycle one, I'll post it before I frame it!

For those of you who don't know, yesterday was all souls day! The Lifesavers youth group that I'm involved in on Sunday evenings went to the oldest Catholic Cemetery in Collin county (it's in Wylie/Parker area) to pray the Rosary.

It was way cool! It was really dark. Man, though, those stars! They were amazing! And, you know, as I'm standing there with these teens and these other core members (adults)I felt peace. I must confess, I've not become a lover of spooky movies. And, mostly, I'm easily startled/scared. This was totally out of my comfort zone. But, I'm tired of chickening out of stuff (like the zip line at the retreat. Not the horse mind you, that was fine to chicken out of! lol). So, I went. While my intention was to pray for the dead and the dead of my family and friends, my mind would only stay on one. Mom. George's mom. My mom. I know she was there. I kept looking around (as did some of the kids) for 'something to happen'. But everything stayed calm. Then, I smelled incense, twice. That one was easy to figure out. I looked up and realized I was standing next to Jake who was the Thurver at Mass not 20 minutes before. To those of you who don't know (I didn't at first) the Thurver is the person who works the incense during Mass.

Anywho, nothing happened out of the ordinary. I kept talking to mom. I so wanted her to talk to me. I miss her more than I can tell you. I wanted to see her again, not later, now. But, I knew and she knew that I'd probably run for the hills screaming and take all the teens with me! So, when I finally let go of looking for her, a calm had taken me over. She was there. As sure as I live and breathe, she was there. I talked to her and prayed the Rosary with the teens. Man are these teens ever awesome!

Until next time,
Please pray for the souls of the faithfully departed, pray for those who are coming upon the anniversary of a loved ones death, and please, please, please, get out there and vote tomorrow!