Friday, May 21, 2010

The bracelet, the Owl and the Compass

This evening I come home after a long day. I go upstairs into my bathroom and, I take off my bracelets that my Carol gave me (that I didn't give away lol). I then take off my black cross necklace that my Julie gave me as my birthday present a couple years ago (I didn't forget yours, I promise, I'm still searching trying to find what I'm looking for) and then I see my pms shot glass that my Tina gave me by my sink. I see both pictures of me and Carol and me and Julie on my sink and the thought wanders through on how I am surrounded by those I love all the time.

I got to spend quite a bit of time with my Carol today. A few precious hours. We talked about nothing. No, really, I mean, it wasn't quantum physics, it wasn't the kids, it was just talk about nothing and I loved every second of it. Then, she and I got to sing at Billy's funeral. She stood next to me and it felt so good to have her so close. In one of the eulogies, it was mentioned that the person giving the eulogy and Billy were at the same table during CHRP and became good friends right after. I turned to look at my Carol and smiled. That's US I thought! I don't get to spend much time with my Carol, or my Julie, or my Tina. So, the times we do share, the phone calls, the emails, the texts, those are what are most precious to me.

Everyday I go out, that I'm not in my work uniform, I put on my bracelets from Carol. At least twice a week, I'm wearing my Julie's necklace and everyday, I see my PMS shotglass from Tina. And, while I don't get to be with them everyday, they are with me, everyday.

I was describing my friendship with my Julie to someone a couple weeks ago (I can't remember who it was) and I said that she was my breath. Carol is my home. Tina, she is my sanity and Julie, Julie is my breath. I can't breathe without her. She and I, we are cut from the same, small and tattered, soft, beautiful cloth. We are tea cups. She and I, we are defying gravity. We are friends... for good. She is one of my most important links to Jesus. If Jesus is my compass (as Julie likes to say), the Julie is the case that holds the needle that points to Jesus. Me? I'm the little part at the end where you put the strap through. Not overly important, but useful nonetheless :)

Then, I come into my bedroom and there is a picture of me with My Sharon. She's stronger than Sisyphus and wiser than the owl in the hundred acre wood. She is only a phone call or an email away, and she'll BE HERE NEXT WEEK!!! She's very wise. She's the one whom I go to when things don't always make sense. She speaks Gina very well and translates life into Gina and then I understand things a lot better. When I grow up, I want to be like her! But I digress. I am not only surrounded by the people I love everyday, whether it be by wearing their jewelry or seeing their pictures, I am surrounded by Jesus.

Jesus is with me every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every year. He is present in my friendships, my love, my faith, my work. He calls to me to come to Him. I wish I could say every time He calls I go running willingly, but not so much. And, that's okay. I didn't say it was right, I said it was okay. Yea, I'm not having the best go round this last little bit of time, but so what?! Everyone has something. And, like Father Tim says, 'just look to the Cross'. And, that's what I do. I know that no matter where I am, no matter what I'm doing, I can call on Him, and He will be there. I can't tell you how many times I've asked Him to just hold me, or asked the Virgin Mary to hold me and wrap me in her mantle. My faith is like a huge tree firmly rooted in my faith. Sure, big bad winds come and my branches sway and I may loose some leaves, but in the end, I am still standing.

So, everyday, I clothe myself with my Carol, Tina, Julie and Sharon. I have Christ behind me, before me, and within me. Then, I go outside ready to face the world, after I have my coffee of course.

Until next time,
Say a prayer for Billy and the entire Harrison and Church families


Thursday, May 6, 2010

So. I'm driving to the dr's this morning. And, on the way, I start to cry. Not full blown crying mind you. But the quiet kind where tears stream down your face. That kind. I pull myself together as I arrived. It's finally my turn and the nurse weighs me. Why is it that the dr's scales are always more than the ones at home? I don't know the answer to that one either.

Anyways, the nurse takes my vitals and asks me how I am. "Dude!" I think to myself. "that's a loaded question!" So, I tell her how I am. Really. And, I start to cry. Then, Dr. B comes in and says "so, what's been going on?" Another loaded question. So, I tell him whats going on. And my fears of going back on the meds. And, I cry yet again. OF COURSE he says I have to go back on them! I keep forgetting I'm not in the drivers seat. Here's the thing though. Jesus was with me all day today (as He is everyday). I felt calm, even though I was crying, on my way to the dr's. I was calm in the room (even though I was crying). And, Jesus spoke through Dr. B. He sat there with me for what seemed like an hour, but was actually about 15-20 minutes.

Surprisingly, I tell him everything. I tell him how I've known I've needed to come for a while now. But, in coming, I knew I'd probably go back on the meds and that means admitting that I can't do it on my own. I didn't get the physical today. Dr. B wants to see me in two weeks. Then, we'll see how I'm doing and then maybe do the physical then. "There's plenty of time to get your physical done. Let's get you better first." He says.

So, I leave the dr's not happy, but accepting. Does that make sense? Go to the pharmacy and get my meds. Sigh. I go home to get ready for work, and I take my medicine. I'm not happy about it, but I take it.

So far, day one, aside from being tired and a headache, hasn't been too bad. I've felt relatively calm all day. So, I guess that's a good thing. I don't feel like my skin is the only thing holding me together. More so, that my spine is the only thing keeping me upright (not sure if that's the meds or I'm just tired from this roller coaster).

The cool thing is the gifts that Jesus has given me today. He has my sister text me (so sweet), He has Dr. B sit with me for a while and just talk to me. He has a friendship at work growing closer (which I just LOVE making new friends :) Good ones are so hard to come by!) He gave me the gift of my medicine. Yes, I am choosing to look at it like a gift. He had my friend call me this morning to see how my apt went. He gave me a afternoon visit with my Julie and some of our friends. Then, He blessed me further by giving me some private Julie time with her and one of our friends. And, He spent the morning consoling me and cheering me this morning.

That last one was weird, if you ask me. But in a good way. As I am leaving Dr. B's, defeated, He says to me "What would you tell your friend if they came to you and they told you how they didn't want to go on meds?" So, I told Him. He says "Why isn't that good enough for you?" I guess it should be enough for me. Then, this afternoon, in my private Julie time, Bob sends His wisdom flying right out of her mouth to my ears. Bob is AMAZING. He is awesome at consoling! I left Julie's feeling so much better than I have in a very long time. Julie and Bob make an awesome team!

And, then it hit me just a little while ago. Jesus was with me as I drove to the dr's. He was in the room with me, in the car to CVS, at work, at Julies (definitely at Julies! lol). He was with me the entire day. Just like He is everyday. How many days do I fail to notice His presence? That saddens me. Sadly, I take for granted that He is with me everyday. If I didn't, I would be nicer to people (trust me, I can be not nice a LOT), I would talk kinder, be gentler, and truly treat others the way I'd like to be treated. I'd be a better mom to my kids, a better wife to my loving husband, and a better daughter to my father-in-law.

Am I the only one here who feels like the season of Lent is STILL going? Show of hands, anyone?

On the Mema watch front, this has been a tough week for her health wise. Hospice came again today. Please pray for a peaceful death for her.

Until next time,
“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.” Winnie the Pooh


Wednesday, May 5, 2010

So, my sister Tina calls me last week. She's all turned around over Mema. She wants to go visit her. She was just there two weeks ago, but with her impending death, still wants to go. What do I think, she wants to know. So, I tell her 'go'. If you can go, go. And she does.

She's sad that I cannot go see Mema. But she is happy that we had our August Trip to see her. I tell her 'yes' and 'it was lovely'. What I don't tell her is that it was too short. It was a few hour visit. Granted, that's all we could do at the time. Not sure if you remember, but five states, six days, 23 hours in the car (something like that), and seventeen relatives visited...a few hours were all we had. So, I don't tell her that it was too short for me, b/c this would make my sister feel bad. She already feels bad that I can't go see Mema. I'm not gonna make her feel worse. So, I tell her this...I tell her that 'maybe, this is what God's plan is for me right now, to not see her before she passes. And, I accept that. I don't like it. Don't get me wrong. I don't like it at all. But, it is His plan, so I'm okay.' Funny thing is, I'm not okay. I keep telling myself I am, but I'm not.

Mema has had a difficult time the last couple days. My heart grows heavier and lighter at the same time. I cannot explain it. You have to go through it to experience it, yet, I would never wish this on anyone. So, I offer it up to my God. Surely, my suffering is good for something.

Yesterday, I finally gave myself permission to fall into the hole that has been following me. And, somehow, there is freeing in the falling. I know that while I'm in the hole, God will be there with me. He never leaves me. So, I feel comfortable falling. I don't know how deep the hole is, or how far down I'm going to fall, I just know that it's okay to fall. The only thing I don't like about falling is that it scares George. He doesn't know what to do with me. I've become less me. Less lively. More introspective. More quiet. And, it's not like I'm thinking deep profound thoughts. I think of nothing. I just zone out, catching glimpses of conversations, or tv. I just fall deep into myself and zone away. My poor husband. I know the helplessness he is feeling. I wish I could give him something to do, or tell him how to fix it. But, there is no way to fix this. Only time. Time, and my Savior. And then, in the light of day, while the kids are up and I am around others, I plaster on my smile so the world doesn't know of the heartache that is deep within my soul.

Tomorrow, I have my yearly physical. I'm pretty sure once I lay on him everything that's been going on, he's gonna want to put me back on my meds. Sigh. I'm really not looking forward to that. And, truth be told, the reason I don't want to go back on is b/c I occasionally like my margaritas. Sad, I know. Good thing I'm not on them now, a) it's May 5th and b) It's my friend Catherine's (Underwood) birthday and we are going out to celebrate! Happy Birthday, Catherine!!! But, I digress, in full disclosure, I don't want to go back on b/c then that means I couldn't handle life without them. And, that makes me feel weak. I hate feeling weak.

So, to recap, Mema is still dying, I'm finally falling into the hole, and I have a physical tomorrow.

Until next time,
Love the one your with.