Wednesday, May 5, 2010

So, my sister Tina calls me last week. She's all turned around over Mema. She wants to go visit her. She was just there two weeks ago, but with her impending death, still wants to go. What do I think, she wants to know. So, I tell her 'go'. If you can go, go. And she does.

She's sad that I cannot go see Mema. But she is happy that we had our August Trip to see her. I tell her 'yes' and 'it was lovely'. What I don't tell her is that it was too short. It was a few hour visit. Granted, that's all we could do at the time. Not sure if you remember, but five states, six days, 23 hours in the car (something like that), and seventeen relatives visited...a few hours were all we had. So, I don't tell her that it was too short for me, b/c this would make my sister feel bad. She already feels bad that I can't go see Mema. I'm not gonna make her feel worse. So, I tell her this...I tell her that 'maybe, this is what God's plan is for me right now, to not see her before she passes. And, I accept that. I don't like it. Don't get me wrong. I don't like it at all. But, it is His plan, so I'm okay.' Funny thing is, I'm not okay. I keep telling myself I am, but I'm not.

Mema has had a difficult time the last couple days. My heart grows heavier and lighter at the same time. I cannot explain it. You have to go through it to experience it, yet, I would never wish this on anyone. So, I offer it up to my God. Surely, my suffering is good for something.

Yesterday, I finally gave myself permission to fall into the hole that has been following me. And, somehow, there is freeing in the falling. I know that while I'm in the hole, God will be there with me. He never leaves me. So, I feel comfortable falling. I don't know how deep the hole is, or how far down I'm going to fall, I just know that it's okay to fall. The only thing I don't like about falling is that it scares George. He doesn't know what to do with me. I've become less me. Less lively. More introspective. More quiet. And, it's not like I'm thinking deep profound thoughts. I think of nothing. I just zone out, catching glimpses of conversations, or tv. I just fall deep into myself and zone away. My poor husband. I know the helplessness he is feeling. I wish I could give him something to do, or tell him how to fix it. But, there is no way to fix this. Only time. Time, and my Savior. And then, in the light of day, while the kids are up and I am around others, I plaster on my smile so the world doesn't know of the heartache that is deep within my soul.

Tomorrow, I have my yearly physical. I'm pretty sure once I lay on him everything that's been going on, he's gonna want to put me back on my meds. Sigh. I'm really not looking forward to that. And, truth be told, the reason I don't want to go back on is b/c I occasionally like my margaritas. Sad, I know. Good thing I'm not on them now, a) it's May 5th and b) It's my friend Catherine's (Underwood) birthday and we are going out to celebrate! Happy Birthday, Catherine!!! But, I digress, in full disclosure, I don't want to go back on b/c then that means I couldn't handle life without them. And, that makes me feel weak. I hate feeling weak.

So, to recap, Mema is still dying, I'm finally falling into the hole, and I have a physical tomorrow.

Until next time,
Love the one your with.


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