Wednesday, November 24, 2010

As if I haven't been yelling from the rooftops enough...DAD IS HERE!!!! lol  I love having Dad here.  He has fun with the kids and then time with George and I and time with everyone.  There is such a level of comfort where we don't have to fill the silence.  We can just be.  I love his smile and hearing him laugh.

Today, however, took a turn for the weird.  A friend of mine, a wonderful woman passed away yesterday, Rose.  You might know her.  I didn't know her very well.  But, she was in my book study and she was an amazing, lively woman.  Today, was her viewing.  My podmate, Julie, and I went together.  Which in and of itself is a great thing.  Whenever any combination of the pod get together, it's awesome.  But, I digress.  Jules and I were walking into the funeral home and as the gentleman directed us down the hall to where the viewing was.  I told Jules that this was the first time since Mom's funeral that I was in a funeral home.  I felt like I was walking into a wall.  The air was thick and it was difficult, but I went.  We said a rosary for our friend and then went up to pay our respects.  Funny thing is...while I was there for Rose, I was back at Mom's funeral.  I was standing in front of her coffin begging her to wake up.   Walking up to Roses' coffin, she looked so beautiful and I was so glad that I went.  But the rest of the day...the rest of the day was different.  It's not like I don't think of Mom just about everyday.  But today, today with Roses' funeral and the flashback and everything I have been missing Mom something terrible.  And, I'm irritated, torqued off really, that she left me.  Maybe, it's that in 25 days, it will be two years since Mom left me.  I don't know.  Plus, with the loss of Mema so fresh, my heart can only take so much.  So, tonight I'm not just blue, I'm heartbroken.  And, I know that come the morning, I will be okay again....until the next time.

Until next time,
Have a happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Dreams, Death and Pods

I have an over active imagination. For those of you who know me well, this should not come as a surprise. I am learning however, that my oai as I like to call it, really has no limits.

For example, sometimes, when I sleep, I dream. The dreams tend to get really specific most times. Like I'm in a house it's my favorite house, but one that only exists in the dream world. I know every inch of that house. I could give you a guided tour if I had pics, but sadly, in the real world, it is hard to explain. It's the same with shopping centers and malls. The same ones that I've gone to over and over, but don't exist in the real world. Usually, my dreams never bother me, then sometimes, I have really bad ones. Last nights one was so bad that in my dream I was crying (I'll explain in a few minutes) and screaming and when I woke up, my face was wet and I was still crying. In fact, it took me a good 15-20 minutes to quit crying. Here's why...I dreamed of Mema. Not just Mema, but my grandpa and my mom. My Mema thought that Grandpa had just died, not thirteen years ago, but now. And,to weird me out even more, turns out she was holding her sisters hand whose been gone for years now, and her sister, my aunt, looked directly at me. Then, as if to vanish, Mema was dead and then my mom was dead. Alas, I woke up crying.

Today has been a difficult day. Heck, it's been a difficult week. Car troubles mostly. And, I have been looking for silver linings and finding them everywhere. Then, the other night, I went into my tent for a while. I just needed to be there. I didn't really want to talk to anyone or be with anyone. Then, after a while, I let my podmate, Alyssa in. Today has been rough. Mass tonight, while fun, was rough. I just feel such a sense of loss. Mema is gone. Yes, I am aware, that it's been four and a half months sine she's gone. I have moments. Little moments of clarity where I know she's happy. I know she's in heaven. I know she was here, and that I'm going to be okay. Then, day's like today hit. And, my loss seems so profound.

Aside from the kids, the greatest gift God has given me, is George. But, after George, the greatest gift God has given me is my Pod and the podmates. We were all represented at Mass tonight and got to have a group hug. See, the pod (my Julie, My Alyssa, Bob, St. Theresé, and St. Peter) we were brought together by God. Sure, we have other friends. Good, close, friends. Ones we hang out with and love dearly and the Pod doesn't replace that. The Pod though, its home. It's a support group full of love and faith and laughter and tears. And, it's hard to explain something so beautiful. All I can say is it's a work of God and if you have paid attention to the cool things he does (full moons, awesome stars, rainbows to name a few) You can imagine how cool the Pod is. We are like a tripod. When one leg is not functioning well, the other two support it. And, this week, I have been the not functioning well leg. Mema's gone. And, in dwelling over her loss, I have been reminiscing about Mom and how much I miss her since she died (2 years this December). And, my Podmates have been nothing short of amazing.

God. He's been calling lately. We keep playing phone tag. He calls and I really, really don't feel like talking and He doesn't leave a message. Then, when I call back, I have a bad connection because I don't hear Him. Sigh. One day, hopefully soon, when He calls, I'll be ready to pick up the phone.

On a lighter and much happier note, Dad comes down on Monday!!!! WOOHOO!!! I cannot wait!!! I love his visits! He is just so awesome! We talk to him at least once a week. Me maybe, once every week and a half to two weeks. Things just get so busy and so hectic. So, I am really looking forward to his visit.

Until next time,
Safe travels for all those wandering for Thanksgiving.


Monday, November 8, 2010


So, George was gone for the weekend and Jaime was too. George was at St. Anthony's helping with the retreat and Jaime was camping. I was left with my girls. We had such an awesome time together! Just spending time being girls and running errands on Saturday. We even happened upon a little place to make our own jewelry, so we did! We had a blast. Then, as it was time for bed (I let them stay up waaaa y late lol) we all climbed into my big bed and I got to sleep with my girls. Something we haven't done for years. But, this time, I was wiser....I didn't sleep in the middle! A HA!!!!! I'm sure you guys remember or if you don't I'll tell you. If you sleep in the middle you're gonna get no sleep and rolled on and kicked on and smacked lol.

Saturday evening, I went to the Mass at St. Anthony's where the fullness of the POD was represented!!! Nothing, and I mean nothing can compare to sharing a Mass with people I love, whether it's George and the kids, Carol and her family, or my POD. It's the greatest experience in love. And, I wish for all of you to experience it and one time or another. My POD ROCKS. I'm sure they're other PODs out there, but none as cool as mine. My Alyssa. I could go on for days about how awesome she is. But I'm also biased (so is George and her husband Thad!). And, My Julie, ugh do I love her somethin fierce! I could go on for YEARS about how amazing she is! Then add in the Holy Spirit, St. Therese and my bro Peter! Psh, ain't no better pod baby!

Then yesterday I couldn't wait for Jaime and George to get home. And, they did and I was happy. As the day drew to a close, and it was time for bed, I went upstairs and checked on the kids. First the girls room. And, for once, it didn't bother me that I couldn't really see into their room. Fan on, light off. I'm not stupid enough to walk into that death trap. You don't know what you're going to step on. I listened for the sounds of my three girls breathing. Maria, Sarah, and Lizzie the wonder dog who sleeps with Sarah. At that point, it didn't bother me that I couldn't walk in their room. I remember what it's like being a teenage girl with a messy room. No one ever goes in there but them, and in the grand scheme of things as long as it doesn't bother them, and they have clean clothes, and it doesn't smell like a foot locker, I'm okay with it. Just keep the door closed. lol

Next, I went to check on Jaime. Same thing, you can't see b/c his fan is on and his light is off. His room is less of a landmine and more of an obstacle course. Again, I didn't go in, but I listened for his breathing amongst the talk of his radio (left over from the amazing cowboys game. GO STEELERS!) I don't walk into his room because while he has clear paths, in the dark you're still gonna bump into his bass, his school stuff, and all around general boy stuff lol. As I'm walking back to my room (yea, I share it with George, but it's my room lol)I felt so content. It was such a gift from God. My whole body, while slightly tired, was at peace. I don't get that very often and I reveled in it!

Then this morning, the weirdest thing happened. Jaime was in the shower and the girls were up, all by themselves. YES, even Maria who is so hard to wake up! There was no rushing around, I can't find my fill in the blank. It was beautiful. Such a great way to start the day!

Now, I would like to carry this contentment with me the rest of the day, but I know it won't happen. Life is outside those doors. But, I can try! I know no matter what I do, Bob's got my back :D And with backup like that, why worry?

Until next time,
Have an amazing day and say prayers for all those going through RCIA :D


Wednesday, November 3, 2010


You would think that Halloween is still going strong, or that I forgot to put my bitc witch costume away. I don't know what it is lately (probably pms)but the last two days, I feel like I could bit the heads off of chickens. Live ones. Feathers, beaks and all.

Where to begin? I'd say the beginning, but I don't have much time before work this morning, so I'll start in the middle. Work. Ugh! Such a drudge these days. A couple of the workers I really (REALLY) like. So, they make it fun. We make it fun. Or we use to. Now, we're so busy with our old mgr gone and her supervisor in her role for the last 4 weeks and the foreseeable future we don't have time to pee let alone really enjoy what we do. And trust me, I'm a lunch lady. We get paid to be a mom (cook, clean, serve, do dishes, laundry (those towels ain't gonna wash themselves), sweep, mop, do paperwork, feed the kids, and handle the kids money). You have to really find the joy some days. And, some days, the joy just eludes you. Especially, when you work with people who are of the 'it's not on my list' or 'that person just walks in circles and I get stuck doing all the work' mentality. I would love to tell you that I've never done that, but to be honest, occasionally, I fall into the latter category...not often mind you, but sometimes. It's been so bad lately, that I said to said supervisor on Monday "y'know, I don't mind working with special ed people (referencing a particular worker) I just need to know if they're special ed". Turns out the particular worker isn't. But maybe I should treat them like they are, I would definitely be more compassionate. Which I don't understand. Why can't I be more compassionate without them being special ed. Oh yea, I'm HUMAN!

Then, yesterday, I had the day off to take Maria to get her top braces on (her bottoms with be done in Jan). I had planned to go to adoration. Well, planned isn't necessarily the right word. Hoped is more like it. And, have lunch with George, and, get the tires checked, and vote. I did vote, I did get Maria's braces on, but I started out trying to help my mom with something which didn't happen (epic fail) then I was running late, and the day got away from me. I was so irked I could spit nails. I five penny kind! That's how they measure nails, by how many penny's thick the top is. Thanks, Grandpa!

Oh, and on Monday, I tweaked something in my thumb and its a little wonky the past couple days. Joy.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about my crosses. I'm actually happy to have them. However, I am just warning you if you see me and I seem a bit out of sorts, truly, it's not you, it's me. lol

And, as a little gift to my pod this morning, listen to the song :D It's for you guys :D

So you think you can dance - Fix you - Robert & Allison from Laura U on Vimeo.

Until next time,
Hide your chickens :D