Saturday, September 19, 2015

Among the Thorns

I met my friend Mary Boyle over a decade ago.  She is a wise and wonderful servant of God.  And, she is my dear friend.  After years of friendship, we were at a gathering and she pointed out that I was a type A personality aka control freak.  I thought about it and laughed.  How had no one ever told me!  She wanted to know how I never knew! lol  That was an important day for me.  Certain things began falling into place, like how I know how things should and need to be done and when they need done! lol  Over the years, I would like to think I've mellowed a bit.  I said a bit, people, not a lot.  I've not mellowed when it comes to me or to God.

There's a saying "If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plan".  I've stopped telling Him, however, I haven't stopped wanting things my way.  Sure, I pray.  I pray for all of you and I pray wondering why they cannot go this way instead of that way.  I know, I KNOW God's plan is better than mine!  However, for some reason, I think maybe this time, this ONE time, our plans will align.  I can look back over my life and thank Him for all the unanswered prayers.  Prayers where most of the time, He has saved me from my worst enemy, myself.

I like to think I'm going to Heaven, even though I have said many times that I am the tour guide to hell.  I have a weird/goofy personality and way of looking at things.  Not bad.  Just different.  Mine.  I want to be one of those women who can quote scripture on demand and tell you the book and verse where it can be found.  Instead, I'm the "I know it's in there, I'm not sure what book, and it goes something like this" woman.  I want to be the one who spends time meditating on His word and just being with Him, not thinking about the kids or what's for dinner or how I felt slighted that particular day.  I want to pray the Rosary everyday and not find an excuse to stop after a year or two again.   I don't want my wrote prayers to feel wrote, I want to feel the meaning in them.  I want to look in the mirror and see Jesus, not the overweight woman battling menopause with low-self esteem, and the little voice in her head telling her she'll never measure up to her own standards let alone anyone else's.  Not too long ago, I shared my concerns about how I pray with someone.  They asked why I felt I had to pray that way?  I truly didn't have a good answer.  They reminded me that when I talk with Him throughout the day, that's a prayer.  True.  Nice to know.  Still I want the other way.  Type A much?

Today's reading is the Parable of the Sower.  You know the one I'm sure.  Seeds are scattered different places and yield different results.  I never really thought about my place in the scattering.  I always thought "I hear His word, I come to church every Sunday, I help where I can, I'm the one one good ground."  Then reading it today, something struck me.  I'm not really on the good ground.  I move between the grounds.

This is the meaning of the parable.
The seed is the word of God.
Those on the path are the ones who have heard,
but the Devil comes and takes away the word from their hearts
that they may not believe and be saved.
Those on rocky ground are the ones who, when they hear,
receive the word with joy, but they have no root;
they believe only for a time and fall away in time of temptation.
As for the seed that fell among thorns,
they are the ones who have heard, but as they go along,
they are choked by the anxieties and riches and pleasures of life,
and they fail to produce mature fruit.
But as for the seed that fell on rich soil,
they are the ones who, when they have heard the word,
embrace it with a generous and good heart,
and bear fruit through perseverance.”
- - -
How many times have I been choked by my panic and anxiety attacks or want 'riches and pleasures of life' (mainly, just to have our bills paid off and a nice place to live.  Okay, okay, and to travel and have a new car (paid off of course) and new shoes.  I need the new shoes.  Oh, and did I tell you about the purse I saw)?  How many times have I fallen victim to the devil and his snares and temptations?  And how many times did I bear fruit through perseverance?  I think we all move between the grounds, not just me.  Sure, I hang out among the thorns for a while, but next think you know, I'll be persevering again!

In two weeks I am beginning another spiritual journey.  Some of the women I know, some I do not. I'm looking forward to the next journey with them and growing in His word and doing His will. Please pray for me and all of these women.

Until next time,
Know I am praying for you.


Saturday, July 11, 2015


Yes, I know it's been a while.  Depression is like that.
I could tell you how over the last ten months how my life has been affected by cancer.  No, not me, two people I love dearly.  I could tell you how I watched my last child graduate and how that broke something inside of me.  I could tell you how I watch my husband go to work everyday at a job he loves and is respected and appreciated and how envious I am.  I could tell you how since my last post, I've had bronchitis.  Twice.  I could tell you how I've cut toxic people out of my life and how while it's very freeing, part of me feels bad about it.  I could tell you how I'm in menopause and it is just like being pregnant, except you don't get a cute baby at the end.  I could tell you how in an office full of people, I feel alone.  I could tell you that while I promote how healthy it is to ask for help from your friends, I do not practice what I preach.  How do you ask a friend to hold you while you cry and you don't know why you are crying?

No.  I am going to tell you none of that.  I'm going to tell you that today is a bittersweet day for me. Five years ago today, one of the greatest loves of my life, my Mema died.  She left me.  She had no right.  I needed her then, and I need her still.  Yes, I am selfish, this is not news.  I know she's happy, I know she's in heaven.  I'm happy she's not in pain.  I *know* all of that.  I also know that I belong with her and she belongs with me.  I know that some days it feels like yesterday since she's been gone and others, it feels like decades.  I hate that she left me.  I hate that she left me here alone.  Without her.  Without her laughter.  Without her joy.  Without her music.  Without.

Yes.  I know I'm blessed.  I know all these things.  But, if you know anything about me, you know how fiercely I love.  Not just with my whole heart, but with my soul.  That's why when season friends leave, it cuts me to the quick.  That's why I feel so helpless when I cannot help those around me.  That's why I hold so close my family and my bunco sisters.

So today, I will be sad.  Today I will cry.  And, today, like everyday, I will love, especially all of you.

Until next time,
Say a prayer that my friends parents house sells.


Tuesday, March 3, 2015

It is What it is

It is not about what it is.
It is not about what can happen.
It is not about what it is going to be.
It is about Him.

It is not about what I want.
It is not about what you want.
It is not about our wishes.
It is about Him.

It is not about our gain or loss.
It is not about our joy or sorrow.
It is not about the outcome.
It is about Him.

It is not about giving.
It is not about receiving.
It is not about sharing.
It is about Him.

It is about His will.
It is about His plan.
It is about His love.
It is all about Him.

Saturday, February 28, 2015

Of Music, Spock, and Wonder Woman.

Yes.  I know it's been six months.  I'm truly sorry.  I'll be better.  That said, grab your drink of choice (lately mine is water) and let's begin.

As some of you know, my early years weren't the best.  Heck, some of my older years weren't that great either but I digress.  From about sixth grade throughout graduation I didn't have many friends.  Actual 'come over, let's hang out' friends.  I was different and I was weird.  As a teen girl this isn't great.  Now, (well it took me to my mid thirties actually) I embrace it fully.  My friends were Joe, Natalie, Tootie and Blair, Mallory and Michael Keaton and of course most (obviously,not all) of the residence of Pine Valley, PA.  Erica, Mona and dear Aunt Phoebe, Greg and Jenny, just to name a few.

These people/characters became my friends and teachers.  They are the ones who liked me unconditionally. They came into my home every week.  They taught  how to be a friend that, goofy and different were okay, and that no matter how good you try to be, sometimes you just do stupid things so you learn from them and move on.  My husband understands this part of me.  So much so that one day about 10 years ago, he called from work to tell me to log on to the computer because he just couldn't break the news to me.  It was the day Aunt Phoebe died.  I cried.  Yes, I know that to you they're just fictional characters, but Ruth Warrick (of Citizen Kane) exuded class and love and she and I had been my "aunt' 35 years.

Yesterday was similar to that.  Another dear friend, a mentor, passed.  Leonard Nemoy passed away.  Spock was a great role model for anyone but especially for me.  We have many similarities.  We're both 'different' than what the norm suggests we be.  We are both strong willed.  We are both smart (although I down play mine all the time.  I still don't know why at 45 1/2 I still do that).  We both had to learn about grey.  That life isn't just black and white.  That somethings really are 'illogical' and we just have to accept that.  I was so sad I texted a friend "I feel like Khan has won".

I was a nerd but not the ones that are now cool.  I had a love hate relationship with math.  I was good at math but school bored me.  I wasn't in to comics.  Sure, I loved the superheros and cartoons, but music was and still is my passion.  I grew up in a house full of music.  Anything from the 20's and up. I fell in love with my mom's 50's and 60's music (can anyone say 'wolfman Jack?!)  My sister was the 70's.  My dad was big band all the way.  Mema was Croation music on Sunday's and 40's and below any other day.  I loved it all.  How many sixth graders can say their first concert was Sha-Na-Na!  And, you see my point.  Nerd.  No friends, only tv and music.  However, I was okay with that.  I didn't know till junior high how weird I truly was.  At the end of the day, it didn't matter.  I would go home to music and my tv friends.

It took a long time, but finally real people friends came into my life.  My senior year in high school, I met Joyce and Sherri, we've been best friends to this day.  It was just them for the longest time.  Then, over a decade ago, God placed my family at St. Jude's church where I met the loves of my life (Big Daddy will always be the greatest love of my life after God of course).  He also blessed me with friends through different jobs I've held (Sarah K, Rob S., Will H.  Chris McD, Mandy, Shortie, my podmate Jules, my bunco group) to name a few).  While I don't see all of these people very often, we stay in touch and get together whenever possible.  These real friendships mean everything to me.  I have Sally Field moments often when after a particular get together I realize they like me.  They really like me.  Not just that, they love me.  For a nerdy girl with only tv and music for friends, this constantly amazes me and something I never take for granted.  Big Daddy says he doesn't understand why I am amazed at how people like/love me.  He'll never understand because he was never me.  I tell him I'm amazed every day I wake up and realize he is not running for the hills.  I never said I was perfect, I said I was me.

Aisha Tyler (who is someone I just adore and look up to and who would totally be my friend in real life if she ever had the pleasure of meeting me) has a book called Self-Inflicted Wounds.  It's about epic humiliations we ended up doing to ourselves.  My whole life is moments like that, but then again, whose isn't?

At my current job, I work with people who have comic nicknames (Batman and Night wing are just two).  So a few weeks ago, I took on the moniker of Wonder Woman.  I thought "Hey, Wonder Woman is awesome.  I am awesome.  She's Amazonian, I shop of Amazon.  lol.  Actually, I took stock at all the crap I've over come.  At the walking miracle I am (dude, you just don't outgrow Epilepsy and not have to take medicine for the rest of your life.  I did among other things) and decided 'yup, I am a wonder.  I am woman.  Hear me roar.".

So to all the sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies and dickheads-I think you're all righteous dudes.

Until next time,
Live long and Prosper and remember I'm here if you need me.  Always.