Me

Yes, I know it's been a while.  Depression is like that.
I could tell you how over the last ten months how my life has been affected by cancer.  No, not me, two people I love dearly.  I could tell you how I watched my last child graduate and how that broke something inside of me.  I could tell you how I watch my husband go to work everyday at a job he loves and is respected and appreciated and how envious I am.  I could tell you how since my last post, I've had bronchitis.  Twice.  I could tell you how I've cut toxic people out of my life and how while it's very freeing, part of me feels bad about it.  I could tell you how I'm in menopause and it is just like being pregnant, except you don't get a cute baby at the end.  I could tell you how in an office full of people, I feel alone.  I could tell you that while I promote how healthy it is to ask for help from your friends, I do not practice what I preach.  How do you ask a friend to hold you while you cry and you don't know why you are crying?

No.  I am going to tell you none of that.  I'm going to tell you that today is a bittersweet day for me. Five years ago today, one of the greatest loves of my life, my Mema died.  She left me.  She had no right.  I needed her then, and I need her still.  Yes, I am selfish, this is not news.  I know she's happy, I know she's in heaven.  I'm happy she's not in pain.  I *know* all of that.  I also know that I belong with her and she belongs with me.  I know that some days it feels like yesterday since she's been gone and others, it feels like decades.  I hate that she left me.  I hate that she left me here alone.  Without her.  Without her laughter.  Without her joy.  Without her music.  Without.

Yes.  I know I'm blessed.  I know all these things.  But, if you know anything about me, you know how fiercely I love.  Not just with my whole heart, but with my soul.  That's why when season friends leave, it cuts me to the quick.  That's why I feel so helpless when I cannot help those around me.  That's why I hold so close my family and my bunco sisters.

So today, I will be sad.  Today I will cry.  And, today, like everyday, I will love, especially all of you.

Until next time,
Say a prayer that my friends parents house sells.

Love,
Me