One of many things I have learned in my faith journey is that I am just like a lot of the saints. That doesn't come from a place of boasting of "I'm just like the saints! I'm so awesome!" Quite the contrary. While at times (few and far between mind you) I feel I have moments of awesomeness, it comes from a place of "oh, I'm like the saints, I struggle with the same things they did!" And, having some of their same struggles makes me feel better about myself. That together, I can do this!
Inasmuch as I love God, will all that I am, and all that my heart and soul has, I find that I have many moments, more so than I'd like, of unbelief. The past few weeks, things are changing in my family. For the good mind you. But, change is rather uncomfortable for me as I'm sure it is for quite a few of you out there. Recently, my son began a new journey. A journey that I cannot help him on. It's his walk, his time, his place. As a woman, as a mother, as a control freak, this is hard for me. The feeling of helplessness of not being in control. Last week I lamented such to Deacon Robert..."Don't you know God needs my help!" lol Only said in jest 10%, the other 90% I was serious. So, I began to pray, not just pray, but pray in earnest. And you know that feeling when you pray like something is uncomfortable is hovering just below the surface but you don't want to deal with it so you stuff it back down? Yea, well last night, I decided no more stuffing (unless it's with my chicken, that stuff is goooooood). It was revealed to me that in a comment I made yesterday (actually, I've been making it a lot this past week) for something specific to happen to my son, would be an act of God) that I didn't believe it would happen. That I was putting God to the test yet again (if you do exist do XYZ). Then, as I awoke this morning, the very same was revealed to me. This was unsettling to me!
I've seen too many miracles my entire life, everyday in fact if I pay attention to know that He truly does exists. For those of you who don't know, I am a walking miracle as our you. So many obstacles that I shouldn't of overcome, I have from the minute I was born until today. I've seen constantly, when I choose to actually pay attention, how He works in my life. So the doubting makes me uncomfortable. The more I dug, I realized it's not doubting, it's fear. This path my son is on, I have at least 100 people praying for him, if not more. What if this path that he wants is not what God wants? Did I waste their time asking for their prayers? Did they waste their prayers on my son when they could've been praying for something/someone else? What if my son is only on this path because he doesn't know what other path to take? What if he's taking the path because he thinks it's what everyone else wants for him? I mentioned a couple of these questions to Deacon Robert last week and he reminded me that if it's what God wants then the path will continue. If not, then God will move him to the right path. This of course, led me to think of Gamalie, a pharisee who said "Therefore,
in the present case I advise you: Leave these men alone! Let them go!
For if their purpose or activity is of human origin, it will fail. But if it is from God, you will not be able to stop these men; you will only find yourselves fighting against God.” Acts 5:38-39 It's one of my very favorite lines from the bible and trust me, there are many!
So, if I know all of this in my heart of hearts, why to I have my unbelief? I'll tell you why, because I am human. Because I suspect like some of you, God's love for me is too infinite for me to grasp. My head knows how much God loves me. I mean, come on, He died for ME (and you)! That's unselfish love right there. But while my head knows it, my heart cannot comprehend it. I'm a parent. I love my kids with all that I am. I would lay down my life for my kids, my family, my friends, probably just about any one. That I can fathom. God loves me MORE than that. That is hard to digest or comprehend. That is scary to me.
So, here I sit, in my moments of unbelief, watching my son begin this new path, hoping that it is what he is meant to do. I know if it is he will bring great joy to those he comes in contact with (regardless of whatever path he is on). To meet my son is to be in the presence of great joy and love. He is enthusiastically joyful. He questions everything. He works hard and loves deep even if he won't admit it, cause you know, he's a guy. He, like most children can be trying at times, but that is not what the world sees. It is what I am blessed to see. This tiny child that once fit in the crook of my arm, his head resting on my elbow now towers over me. The same child who grasped my hand as he learned to walk and held my hand as he crossed the street, still holds my hand weekly. The same child who was headstrong and got upset when things didn't go his way has grown into a headstrong man who doesn't like it when things do not go his way, but understands there is a reason whether he likes it or not. The same child that made me laugh as a little boy, makes me laugh every day. So, yes, he will truly bless those no matter what path he is on. He has blessed me more than I ever thought possible.
Until next time,
Please pray for my son as he begins his new path.