Friday, May 29, 2009

He did it again, Julie!

He amazed me yet again! lol

This week has been awful. Like, cramps of death, curl up in a ball, the haircut is too short, I put on too much weight, they're out of ben-n-jerry's horrible!

But here is what I have learned this week.

* I am a teacup (thank you, Julie :) )

* I am deeply loved by those who know me well (thank you Carolina :) )

* Why would I let people who haven't seen me in ten years define who I am or what I feel when they don't even know me (again, words of wisdom from my Carolina :)

* That even through distance, I can feel a go-limp-in- my-arms-as-I-hold-you hug (thank you, Sharon:))

* That God is here even when I don't feel Him (again, Sharon :) )

* That God's reasons are way better than mine. That He wants to give me my hearts desire but my hearts desire isn't always what's best for me. (thank you, Tina)

* That God wants me to come to him just as I am (thank you, yet again, Jon! You ROCK!)

* That every walk begins with a single step (thanks, Carol :) )

* That I am loved, just the way I am by all of you.


Thank you. Thank you all. For loving me. Just as I am.

Until next time,
Know that I love all of you very deeply and am always praying for yunz guys :)


Tuesday, May 26, 2009

It's just a washer.

Today was not exactly the best day. And, that's putting it mildly

I talked to my dad. My brother's been home for a few weeks. My dad was suppose to call me when he got there. He didn't. My brother has issues with everyone except my dad right now and my dad said they almost got into it a few times and he was respecting my brother's wishes. What about my wishes? What about me wanting to know he was okay? What about a call that said "you're brother's here, he's fine, but doesn't want to talk to anyone". But apparently my wishes don't matter.

To make it worse, I asked him when he's gonna come to visit as I haven't seen him in about ten years. Yes, you read that correct. I haven't seen my brother in eight years or my dad in ten. But, I digress. He said the stock "I'd love too". But, then he told me all about his trip in October he and Sarah will be taking. Another cruise! A once in a lifetime transatlantic cruise to parts of Italy and Spain (and I think France) for 18 days! Then he regaled me with reminders of his trips last year. All which didn't include visiting me.

Just when you think it couldn't get worse, he tells me how if he hits the lottery (he already had 2 million what has happened to it I don't know, don't care) he would send my family and my sister's family on a cruise together. Then, he'd send me back to college. He didn't want to hear it when I told him that I didn't know what I want to be when I grow up so why go to college? Why pay all that money until I decide what I want to do? But of course, my dreams don't matter.

You know, going through St. Marks chrp, I came to the realization that I love my dad for who he is with him never changing. Then, in the spring, came the whole 'he bought me a washer' thing and while God used him to fill a need, I stupidly got sucked in and thought that he was changing for the better. Stupid me for closing my eyes so tight. It was a washer. God filled my need. While it was an act of God. It was just a washer. He's not changing. While he loves me in his way, it is never going to be the way that I want. I am never going to be good enough. I'm never going to be smart enough, rich enough, powerful enough. I mean, he hasn't even tried to see his own grandchildren, let alone his own daughter in the past ten years. Why this suprises me I have no clue. But it did. And, the fact that I am pmsing I'm sure made it much worse. But still.

Then, the envy hit. Yes, I know it's one of the deadly seven and probably my worst. But occasionally, it rears its head. What am I envious of you ask? My husband, Carol, Tina. All have awesome parents. Carol and Tina not only have awesome parents, but also have great relationships with their siblings. I have a mom who tries to hard and it always comes back to her; my dad, well, nuff said about that, my brother the most immature 34 yr old alive. Yes, yes, he's been at war, but the stories I could tell you would make you faint, curl your hair, pick your analogy. And, then I have my sister, Tina. Who is trying desperately to have a relationship with me now and we are working on it. However, with both our husbands jobs not secure, our financial situation are grim. So we cannot visit each other's families as she lives in Florida. So we email and call occasionally. But it's not the same. Then, I have Mom. George's Mom. We all know how *that* turned out. Still sucks. I have George's dad who totally rocks. But seriously, how much can I lean on him? He's not really the type of guy who likes to listen to the mundane office gossip. Y'know what I mean?

Father Antony is leaving. I haven't seen my therapist in months (that costs money that I don't have). The world feels like it's closing in. And, oh, that little gem that God put in the bible about asking for things in His name and he'll give it to you? Yea, that's a ruse. He forgot to add at the end, if He wants to give it to you. Or, if it's best for you. Trust me on this.

And, you know what the crazy thing is in all of this? It was Sarah's idea to get me the washer. Not even my dad's. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I got sucked in yet again, or the fact that it was just a washer.

So, here I sit with mom gone, working a lot. I couldn't tell you the last time I spent any time with my Carol, my house falling down around me, no permanent job for George in sight, Maria with bronchitis, Jaime failing Math, a dad who doesn't want to see me and a sister that does. I know God loves me. Truly, I do. But, y'know, today I'm just not feeling it.

Until next time,
Thanks for your ears.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009


Yes, I am aware that I have been absent for a while from the blog, but hey life has been calling, and when it calls, I have to answer! lol

Not sure if you remember, when I got back from Montserrat, I had all this great stuff I wanted to share with you guys. Stuff I had journaled about. While I would love to share it with you guys, I cannot as I cannot find the journal. It wasn't with me when I came home, and Monserrat nor any of the participants from St. Jude have seen it. So, just pretend I told you all this wise and profound stuff from Sr. Marie and the weekend and just 'ooh and ahh'. Okay, problem solved!

Losing my notebook has had me thinking a few things: A) I got what I needed and no longer needed the notebook, B)someone needed to read the ramblings of my innermost thoughts, and C) God wants me to focus and remember on my own. Thereby getting more out of the lessons and talks with God and the weekend in general.

I can tell you this, it took a wile for my soul to quiet down. And, to this day, I don't know where my should is. But, I can tell you I knew the *exact* moment when all the noise, the hubub, the craziness which is inside me ceased to be. All was still and quiet and ready just to be with Him. Since then, the noise is back. I'm still human. Sometimes, I can hear Him calling me to Him. And, being human, some of those times, I say to Him "not right now, I'll talk to you later." The funny thing is He's always available to listen to me, yet, I am not always available to talk to Him. I know I am not alone in this, and that, strangely brings me comfort.

Work is still lovely! In the two months since I've been there, there's only been a day and a half where I wanted to go postal. So, I think that's a pretty good sign!

I hope this finds you all well.
Until next time,
Know that I miss you and I love you.