It's just a washer.

Today was not exactly the best day. And, that's putting it mildly

I talked to my dad. My brother's been home for a few weeks. My dad was suppose to call me when he got there. He didn't. My brother has issues with everyone except my dad right now and my dad said they almost got into it a few times and he was respecting my brother's wishes. What about my wishes? What about me wanting to know he was okay? What about a call that said "you're brother's here, he's fine, but doesn't want to talk to anyone". But apparently my wishes don't matter.

To make it worse, I asked him when he's gonna come to visit as I haven't seen him in about ten years. Yes, you read that correct. I haven't seen my brother in eight years or my dad in ten. But, I digress. He said the stock "I'd love too". But, then he told me all about his trip in October he and Sarah will be taking. Another cruise! A once in a lifetime transatlantic cruise to parts of Italy and Spain (and I think France) for 18 days! Then he regaled me with reminders of his trips last year. All which didn't include visiting me.

Just when you think it couldn't get worse, he tells me how if he hits the lottery (he already had 2 million what has happened to it I don't know, don't care) he would send my family and my sister's family on a cruise together. Then, he'd send me back to college. He didn't want to hear it when I told him that I didn't know what I want to be when I grow up so why go to college? Why pay all that money until I decide what I want to do? But of course, my dreams don't matter.

You know, going through St. Marks chrp, I came to the realization that I love my dad for who he is with him never changing. Then, in the spring, came the whole 'he bought me a washer' thing and while God used him to fill a need, I stupidly got sucked in and thought that he was changing for the better. Stupid me for closing my eyes so tight. It was a washer. God filled my need. While it was an act of God. It was just a washer. He's not changing. While he loves me in his way, it is never going to be the way that I want. I am never going to be good enough. I'm never going to be smart enough, rich enough, powerful enough. I mean, he hasn't even tried to see his own grandchildren, let alone his own daughter in the past ten years. Why this suprises me I have no clue. But it did. And, the fact that I am pmsing I'm sure made it much worse. But still.

Then, the envy hit. Yes, I know it's one of the deadly seven and probably my worst. But occasionally, it rears its head. What am I envious of you ask? My husband, Carol, Tina. All have awesome parents. Carol and Tina not only have awesome parents, but also have great relationships with their siblings. I have a mom who tries to hard and it always comes back to her; my dad, well, nuff said about that, my brother the most immature 34 yr old alive. Yes, yes, he's been at war, but the stories I could tell you would make you faint, curl your hair, pick your analogy. And, then I have my sister, Tina. Who is trying desperately to have a relationship with me now and we are working on it. However, with both our husbands jobs not secure, our financial situation are grim. So we cannot visit each other's families as she lives in Florida. So we email and call occasionally. But it's not the same. Then, I have Mom. George's Mom. We all know how *that* turned out. Still sucks. I have George's dad who totally rocks. But seriously, how much can I lean on him? He's not really the type of guy who likes to listen to the mundane office gossip. Y'know what I mean?

Father Antony is leaving. I haven't seen my therapist in months (that costs money that I don't have). The world feels like it's closing in. And, oh, that little gem that God put in the bible about asking for things in His name and he'll give it to you? Yea, that's a ruse. He forgot to add at the end, if He wants to give it to you. Or, if it's best for you. Trust me on this.

And, you know what the crazy thing is in all of this? It was Sarah's idea to get me the washer. Not even my dad's. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I got sucked in yet again, or the fact that it was just a washer.

So, here I sit with mom gone, working a lot. I couldn't tell you the last time I spent any time with my Carol, my house falling down around me, no permanent job for George in sight, Maria with bronchitis, Jaime failing Math, a dad who doesn't want to see me and a sister that does. I know God loves me. Truly, I do. But, y'know, today I'm just not feeling it.

Until next time,
Thanks for your ears.
Love,
Me