Monday, October 21, 2013

Aaron, Hur, and Me

Some days at Mass, my mind wanders.  Some days, I'm truly present and can hear and comprehend absolutely every word.  Yesterday, was a mix of both.

The first reading, from Exodus I was truly present for.  Then, I was gone.  I spent the rest of the Mass thinking about that reading.  See, Moses was fighting a battle (aren't we all fighting some kind of battle every day?).  As long as he had his arms raised.  As long as he did this, they were winning.  When his arms grew tired and he put them down, they weren't winning so much as losing.  So, his brother Aaron and a friend named Hur found  a rock for Moses to sit on and hold his hands up.  Then, when Aaron's arms got too heavy, Aaron and Hur held his arms up.  Each on one side.  Spoiler alert, they win the battle.

Here's what struck me.  Just because your family doesn't mean you're going to help each other out.  Heck a lot of families don't even talk to each other (see my entire life up to this point if you don't believe me).  Then, there's the friend Hur.  To me, he represents the friends that become family.  Who else, but someone who loves you would take on such a task?  Okay, okay, so you're sitting there thinking "all they did was hold up his arms.  Moses had the hard part".  Well, let's look at this shall we?

Moses was sitting on a rock.  And with his arms raised, they had to be as high as Aaron and Hur's chest, if not higher.  Have you ever been to a prayer group where you hold hands in a circle?  Some people in chairs, some on the floor?  You're hands are all different heights.  You're supporting each other.  You look for ways to lean your arm on your leg.  And, sometimes you ask God to hold your arms up because they're just too heavy (instead of rushing the prayer along.  Never, ever, rush the prayer along.  It's a truly beautiful moment!).  I imagine that's what Aaron and Hur felt like.  Holding someone up is never easy.  It's not suppose to be.  Look at my favorite parable about the guy on the mat who gets lowered down from the roof.  His friends carried him on his mat.  Then lowered him.  This was a full grown man!  I'm sure he weighed more than a sac of potatoes.  So, I spent most of yesterday pondering on Aaron and Hur.  Did they hold up Moses' arms because he told them too?  Because they were his friends and family?  Because it was expected of them?  I think it's mostly all of them.  I think it has to do with their love for God and for Moses.

Change is never easy.  Unless it is happening to someone else.  Sometimes, it's very easy to support my friends and the choices that they make.  It's easy to say "it'll be okay!" when unwanted change happens to them.  It's when unwanted change happens to me that I get snippy.  Sometimes, however, there comes a situation where I cannot help my friends or my family.  I cannot lift up their hands.  I cannot lower them down from the roof.  I am helpless.  I hate the feeling of helplessness.  I can't fix it.  So, I love.  I lavish them with more love.  I hold their hand, hug them and sometimes just sit and be with them and pray.   How cool is it that Moses had Aaron and Hur to hold him up during this battle?

I have a small, close knit group of friends who hold each other up in much the same way as Moses was held up.  And, like I mentioned last post, being one of low self-esteem, it is wonderful to know that I have my small circle of friends to count on.

Until next time,
Give your friend a hug.


Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Still learning...

So, I've been at my new job for over a week.  I'm still liking it.  Of course, it's what I call the honeymoon phase of any new job.  The first six months.  Everything is new and challenging.  After six months, will the days still fly by?  Will I still love it?  We just have to wait, but I'm suspecting the answer will be a yes :D

I've been learning a lot about myself lately.  When it comes to myself, I'm a low self esteem Debby Downer. I don't know why.  Call it crap from my childhood (which is weird because in my late teens and my 20's I was awesome and could do anything, just ask me!) or daddy issues.  I feel I am nothing special.  Now, don't get me wrong, my mom has told me for years how special I am.  How smart I am.  But she's my mom, she has to say it.  Then, there's my husband.  He says the same as my mom.  He has to say it.  Then there are my friends.  They have to say it, they're my friends.  Then, there's God.  He has to say it, he's my Dad.  He's suppose to believe in me no matter what.

Last week, my first official week at my new job, was a lot of work.  And, from what I hear, it will take about two months to grasp everything until it becomes habit because there's such a plethora of information.  It's a lot of numbers (my favorite, actually.  Little known fact, I love math.  Basic math.  I love it and it makes me happy.  Algebra was was best subject.  Although, I've forgotten just about all of it. lol).  It's a lot to take in, but I'm getting there.  One day last week I told my husband and my mom how it was the first time in a while I actually felt smart.  Both of them lamented that they've been telling me that for years.  See, my problem is I don't think I'm anything special.  I'm no different than you.   Everything I can do, you can do.  But on the flip side, everything you can do, I cannot.  I have a ton of friends who are runners.  They run marathons, they run 5ks, they run laps.  Me, I run to the store or the fridge.  I have an easy out, I have arthritis in my knees.  I really can't run.  Trust me, almost two years ago, I did boot camp religiously.  I had to run, it was not pretty. I have friends who home school.  Yea, I am so not cut out for that.  But, you get the idea, everything I can do you can do.  Everything you can do, I cannot.  My husband and my mom put a little chink in my armor this weekend.  Apparently, not everyone can do my new job.  That's why they hired me.  Apparently, not everyone can do everything I can do.  Huh.  That's a little interesting.  As of right now, it's a little chink in the armor.  Some day, who knows, maybe the armor will be gone all together?

The one thing I do know about myself, the one thing I love about myself is that I love.  I love deeply, greatly, and unconditionally.  And, I love you!

Until next time,
Give yourself a hug from me.  And, remember God and I think you're pretty special!

Sunday, October 13, 2013

I Am My Beloved's and My Beloved is Mine

Well, I've officially survived my first week at my new job!!!  It's a lot of learning new stuff and I like that.  I'm using my brain more instead of having it on auto-pilot which is good.  The drawback however is at the end of the week, I've had  a headache for two days.  Kind of like studying hard for a test and your head hurts afterwards.

I'm learning to adjust to little things, like an hour for lunch (bonus!), my own mini office (i.e. cubicle), getting to have lunch with my husband during the week (bonus #2!), and being tired from my new work schedule from 8-5.  But, I love it.  I love the challenge of learning something new.  I love that I'm not an admin like I use to be, that I'm an actual cog in the wheel.  I feel like a full fledged grown up!  But, not to worry, my inner child still and always will rule!

While I am excited to go back to work tomorrow, I'm even more excited because it's one of my favorite days of the year (I have lots of favorite days of the year).  This one has to be in the top two.  It's the 13th anniversary of my wedding to my guardian angel, George!  For those of you who don't know, I call him my guardian angel because God sent him when I needed him most and I didn't even know I needed him.  Funny how that's changed.  I know, daily, how much I need him.  While God is the rock and portion forever, my husband is my rock here on earth.  Things have changed in our 13 years of marriage.  He's changed.  I've changed.

I grew up watching Cinderella.  It was my favorite movie as a kid.  That and Funny Girl.  I spent the better part of my teens and twenties looking for a prince to come rescue me.  What my beloved Disney classic doesn't show you is Cinderella paying bills.  Cinderella with kids.  Cinderella with her friends.  Her Prince comes and marries her.  The end.  However, her end, was just my beginning.  God sent me George.  And, having the most beautiful wedding, I was now ready to live happily ever after and ride into the sunset.  My life is now complete.  Funny, no?  Six months after our marriage, George experience the first of a few layoffs. Like any couple, occasionally, we'd argue.  I'd argue to win.  No matter the cost.  It was about winning, not about my husband's feelings.  We've moved across country away from our families and to Kansas.  This is where I began to grow up.  Yes, I was now in my thirties, but hey we each grow at our own pace!  I learned to rely on my husband.  That he was more than a Prince in a suit.  That he was my friend, my best friend and my biggest supporter.  I learned to lean on him.  Then we moved to Texas.  Now, you know that's love when a girl from the 'burgh will move to cowboy territory! lol  Here, I have grown exponentially.  I've grown in friendship with others.  I've learned to be a friend and how to accept friendships.  Okay, so I still hold my friendships with a tight grasp, what can I say, I love them all.  I grew exponentially in my faith.  I'm not born again.  I was baptized Catholic and it wasn't till I was thirty-five that I started to 'get' it.  That's when I like to say my light was turned on.  Growing in my faith, I was blessed to watch my husband's faith grow as well.  And, in the growing of our faith, so did our marriage.  It's been eons since I've fought to win.  We rarely argue, being so close to being of one mind and one body.  Sure, we disagree occasionally, but we've learned (or rather I've learned) the art of compromise.  

While I am not perfect, I am perfectly human.  I have learned a lot about myself that I'd never would have known if it wasn't for my husband.  He's so strong and smart.  He's the analytic one with his feet firmly planted on the ground.  Me, I'm the dreamer.  The one who doesn't just have my head in the clouds, but my whole body as well, soaring, flying.  When need be, I bring my beloved up in the clouds with me, and likewise, when needed, he plants my feet firmly on the ground next to him.  Our marriage has been nothing but a blessing to me, everyday.  My husband not only continues to make me feel loved and heard and respected.  He makes me feel *cherished*, something I never even knew I could feel.

Being married to George, we laugh all the time.  Every day in fact.  We joke, we kid, we love, we pray.  We don't just love each other, we actually like each other and that's a good thing.  So, on the eve of our thirteenth anniversary, I want to wish my beloved most happy anniversary with many, many, many more to come.

I love you, Gus.  Always.

Until next time,
Pray for your spouse