Thursday, May 6, 2010

So. I'm driving to the dr's this morning. And, on the way, I start to cry. Not full blown crying mind you. But the quiet kind where tears stream down your face. That kind. I pull myself together as I arrived. It's finally my turn and the nurse weighs me. Why is it that the dr's scales are always more than the ones at home? I don't know the answer to that one either.

Anyways, the nurse takes my vitals and asks me how I am. "Dude!" I think to myself. "that's a loaded question!" So, I tell her how I am. Really. And, I start to cry. Then, Dr. B comes in and says "so, what's been going on?" Another loaded question. So, I tell him whats going on. And my fears of going back on the meds. And, I cry yet again. OF COURSE he says I have to go back on them! I keep forgetting I'm not in the drivers seat. Here's the thing though. Jesus was with me all day today (as He is everyday). I felt calm, even though I was crying, on my way to the dr's. I was calm in the room (even though I was crying). And, Jesus spoke through Dr. B. He sat there with me for what seemed like an hour, but was actually about 15-20 minutes.

Surprisingly, I tell him everything. I tell him how I've known I've needed to come for a while now. But, in coming, I knew I'd probably go back on the meds and that means admitting that I can't do it on my own. I didn't get the physical today. Dr. B wants to see me in two weeks. Then, we'll see how I'm doing and then maybe do the physical then. "There's plenty of time to get your physical done. Let's get you better first." He says.

So, I leave the dr's not happy, but accepting. Does that make sense? Go to the pharmacy and get my meds. Sigh. I go home to get ready for work, and I take my medicine. I'm not happy about it, but I take it.

So far, day one, aside from being tired and a headache, hasn't been too bad. I've felt relatively calm all day. So, I guess that's a good thing. I don't feel like my skin is the only thing holding me together. More so, that my spine is the only thing keeping me upright (not sure if that's the meds or I'm just tired from this roller coaster).

The cool thing is the gifts that Jesus has given me today. He has my sister text me (so sweet), He has Dr. B sit with me for a while and just talk to me. He has a friendship at work growing closer (which I just LOVE making new friends :) Good ones are so hard to come by!) He gave me the gift of my medicine. Yes, I am choosing to look at it like a gift. He had my friend call me this morning to see how my apt went. He gave me a afternoon visit with my Julie and some of our friends. Then, He blessed me further by giving me some private Julie time with her and one of our friends. And, He spent the morning consoling me and cheering me this morning.

That last one was weird, if you ask me. But in a good way. As I am leaving Dr. B's, defeated, He says to me "What would you tell your friend if they came to you and they told you how they didn't want to go on meds?" So, I told Him. He says "Why isn't that good enough for you?" I guess it should be enough for me. Then, this afternoon, in my private Julie time, Bob sends His wisdom flying right out of her mouth to my ears. Bob is AMAZING. He is awesome at consoling! I left Julie's feeling so much better than I have in a very long time. Julie and Bob make an awesome team!

And, then it hit me just a little while ago. Jesus was with me as I drove to the dr's. He was in the room with me, in the car to CVS, at work, at Julies (definitely at Julies! lol). He was with me the entire day. Just like He is everyday. How many days do I fail to notice His presence? That saddens me. Sadly, I take for granted that He is with me everyday. If I didn't, I would be nicer to people (trust me, I can be not nice a LOT), I would talk kinder, be gentler, and truly treat others the way I'd like to be treated. I'd be a better mom to my kids, a better wife to my loving husband, and a better daughter to my father-in-law.

Am I the only one here who feels like the season of Lent is STILL going? Show of hands, anyone?

On the Mema watch front, this has been a tough week for her health wise. Hospice came again today. Please pray for a peaceful death for her.

Until next time,
“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.” Winnie the Pooh


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