A wise friend once told me that 'people will tell you grief comes in stages. It doesn't. It's a buffet'. I have found this to be true. I have found that I will have a few good days in a row and then something will come along, a song, an email I want to forward to Mom, a postcard Mom and Dad had sent from one of their trips and then I go and start to slip back into my hole again. And, it takes a good day or two to peek my head out again.
Another great friend, my best friend, who cannot relate to my situation found a great website for me....tearsoup.com. It's a wonderful site that validated what my therapist and those closest to me have been saying which is whatever I'm feeling is perfectly normal and is okay. That said, I think I've decided is that grieving is like being pregnant only instead of your hormones going all ape for nine months, it's much longer. You get sad, angry, happy, and irritable at the drop of a hat. And for fun the emotions can change from one second to the next or you can be all of them at once. Like I said, just like being pregnant but for longer, and sadly no baby.
I am trying to relinquish control of my emotions. Trying to constantly keep them in check while grieving is not optimal. Apparently, I've been trying to rush through 'the process' and get back to a sense of normality. And truth be told, it gives me a headache. Before therapy, I thought I was a grey person. Apparently, I'm a 'it's either black or white' person. Shocking to me. I'm thinking that this control this is not something I had realized about myself before. One of the other things I do not have control over is I can't fix this. I can't bring back my Mom, my friend. I can't bring back my husband's mom or my father-in-laws wife of 40 years. The last one is the hardest. I make things better. It's what I do. I'm a helper. A giver (My sign is cancer if that tells you anything). And, not being able to fix this is hard. According to Grace, I can't fix this for myself, how could I fix it for Dad or George? I love them both with all my heart and no matter how much I want to make it better, I can't. And, relinquishing control isn't the easiest thing in the world. But, apparently, I don't do easy. Anything worth having is worth working for. My marriage, my kids, my family, and my friendships. I just have to remember that God has a plan and any plan that included bringing my husbands parents into my life who bless me with their unconditional love and friendship is a blessing.
So, pass the candle, I am Gina a grieving, it's got to be black or white, have to make it better, control freak who misses her Mom.
Many blessings to all of you this Lenten season.