Wednesday, May 11, 2011

pine cones, cheese, and forgiveness

I really don't know what's going on lately.  What I can tell you is that I'm so irritable lately that I could just pull all my hair out.  Why am I so irritated?  Good question.

Dad's visit came and went rather quickly.  It was a short visit with a whirlwind of activity before and during.  Two kids bdays before, and confirmation and Mother's Day while he was here.  He looked so good and it makes my heart so happy to have him so close instead of all the way home.  Mother's Day was beautiful.  I had my annual Mother's Day brunch with my Carol and our families.  It may not mean much to some people, but for me, spending that morning with Carol just fills me with joy.

I've notice lately, that my bs tolerance is low.  This makes being my cheerful self quite a bit difficult.  I've been in situations lately where I would love to stop biting my tongue and just let the devil speak for me.  But then, that's not who I am called to be.  And, truth be told, sometimes, being who you are called to be sucks major pine cones.  It reminds me of the scene from You've Got Mail...Meg Ryan is all excited to say what she wanted to say at the moment she wanted to say it but then remorse inevitably followed.  That's how I feel lately.  I don't want the remorse, so I just bit my tongue.  Which in turn causes me to become introverted. and just stay in my head.  Not having a brain to mouth filter usually isn't so bad.  However, in times like these, I need to stay in my head lest something sneak by the nonexistent filter.  To most people, I'm sure this doesn't sound like a bad thing.  However, to me it is.  I keep my mouth shut.  I say what I want to say in my head to the people who are cheeseing me off.  However, instead of feeling better, I feel angrier b/c I can't shout out at these people.  I can't call them names.  I can't tell them to mind their own business.  I can't tell them to leave me alone.  I can't feel better b/c who I am called to be kicks in.  I think, "oh, I don't know that persons situation.  Maybe they're having a bad day."  Or "oh, so and so is lonely so that's why they're acting out."  In talking to one of my greatest, if not my greatest champion, George, today, while he was getting irritated for me, I explained that while I don't like these people, while I am not called to like these people, I am called to love them.  Yup, time to suck more pine cones.  At what point after turning all your cheeks and forgiving 7 x 70 is it acceptable to haul off and let the words of anger and hate and bitterness flow?  Sadly, I know the answer.  It's never.  I say sadly, b/c I would just love to let it all fly, but then, I know, remorse would follow.

Did you get all that?  Yea, welcome to the inside of my head these last two weeks.  And, to make things more fun, I've been doing a little reading here and there.  The last couple days was on temptation and how the devil uses it against you.  Funny thing is, I thought temptation was all about tempting you to sin like gambling, or addictions or shopping, stuff like that.  Tempting you to do something you want to do but know yous shouldn't (like that fifth beer or third slice of cake).  Then, I got to pondering.  I say "I", but really it was Bob who shone a light on this one.  There can be the temptation to yell and scream at those who have offended me as of late.  And, so far, I haven't lost my job, gotten myself arrested or gotten the snuff beaten out of me, so I must be doing at least okay.  Mind you, it takes great effort on my part to keep my mouth shut.  Yes, yes, I do say what I want to say to that person, but I say it inside my head.  And, while this causes me to become more agitated, I keep quiet all the more.  I will tell you this, after these last two weeks, Montserrat seems like a lifetime ago.  But, this too shall pass.

Until next time,
Pray for those who persecute you.  It's easy to love and pray for your friends.  Try doing it for the ones who aren't.


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