Surrender

Where to begin?

I've been drowning. I've been way over my head in grief, anger, despair, tiredness, and general ickyness.

We hit the 6 month mile marker for mom's death. That week was a barrel of monkey's. Work is going well. I have a few burning embers as remnants of my spiritual life. I got a major smack down by God two weeks in a row. And, it's summer time and the kids are home (aside from mission week and vbs). These last few weeks have been quite an adjustment.

Good news...

I got my regular therapist back. Work is going well. I've lost four pounds. And, God hasn't forgotten about me. Not that He would, just sometimes it feels like He has. I know He loves me. Some days, it feels like He is the only one.

Over the last two weeks, He has constantly reminded me that I am a control freak, that I'm trying to control everything and everyone. That I'm trying to do it all alone and I can't. He has used my friends to call me and talk to me through them. My personal favorite was the call from Patti this past week. She starts the conversation with "The Holy Spirit told me to call you, how are you doing?" And even though I protested that I was "fine" Patti, with the Holy Spirit, knew what questions to ask and what buttons to push to get to what has been going on and to give me her sage wisdom of which she never takes credit for. Patti, a chrp sister, and part of my family, does this thing that I just adore. Occasionally, when we talk on the phone, she will just bust out the most gorgeous prayers you've ever heard (as she did as recently this evening!). So, I am working on surrendering. Some days, it a minute by minute thing, other days it's an hour by hour thing. But I am learning to surrender.

If you ever have one of those days where you feel all alone or that you don't belong I recommend Psalm 139. You are loved!

Until we meet again,
Love,
Me