The last few days have been awful. I feel like the walls are closing in all around me. Almost, like I'm a jack-in-the-box and I am squished in the box trying to get out. All I've felt like doing lately is screaming. Just screaming.
There's this fantastic video by lifehouse called 'broken' that I posted yesterday that was hard for most of you to see so go here: Video
The title says it includes the lyrics, but it doesn't, and I'll post them at the end of the blog today.
I've felt a lot these past few days. I've felt anger, confusion, and deep sadness. I've felt utterly all alone. Alone, in a house or a church or a building full of people.
Then today, a funny thing happened. I went to Mass. Not my normal five pm-everyone-is-doing-something-to-participate-in-the-mass-mass. You know, when the kids are serving, George is ushering, and I'm singing. No, thanks to the Philadelphia Eagles playoff game, we went to the noon mass where we get to sit together as a family. It's kind of hard to be at mass and be upset about anything. Even for me.
Then, as the mass began, I read the first reading....Rise up in splendor; Jerusalem! Your light has come, the glory of the Lord shines upon you. See, darkness covers the earth, and thick clouds cover the peoples; but upon you the LORD shines, and over you appears his glory. Nations shall walk by your light, and kings by your shining radiance. Raise your eyes and look about; they all gather and come to you: your sons come from afar; and your daughters in the arms of their nurses. Then you shall be radiant at what you see, your heart shall throb and overflow, for the riches of the seas shall be emptied out before you, the wealth of nations shall be brought to you. Caravans of camels shall fill you, dromedaries from Midian and Ephah; bearing gold and frankincense, and proclaiming the praises of the LORD. Isaiah 60:1-6.
This particular reading reminded me that God is here. Even when I feel utterly all alone, even in a room full of people. Then, if that wasn't enough, God talked to me in Father Tim's homily. The whole homily spoke to me, but his final words are what resonated with me. Forgiveness. My reply in my head? Crap. This seven times seventy thing is for the birds. I've got to be at least on seven times sixty-eight at this point. But, I must work on my forgiveness.
Then, if His one-two punch wasn't enough, God hits me during the preparation hymn Silent Night. Radiant beams from thy holly face, with the dawn of redeeming grace....wow. Redeeming grace, huh? I pondered that one for a while. Picture if you will baby Jesus and the rays that normally come from the sun are coming from His face. Radiant beams. And they are filled with His redeeming grace. Now, since He sees everything and everyone, there is not one person, me included, who He does not touch with his redeeming grace. Therefore, even though I may offend others (I *so* don't mean to), or let my parents down (there's so not enough therapy in the world or blog space on the internet to touch that one), or not be a good mom that day,it's okay. He knows my heart and I am touched by His redeeming grace.
At the end of Mass, I felt lighter than when I arrived. And as I left I was filled with the last line of the recessional hymn Joy to the World...and wonders of His love, and wonders of His love, and wonders, wonders of His love!
So, until next time,
send the kids back to school tomorrow, have lunch with a friend, and know I love you.