So, I went to adoration today. It was good to be there. And, in my state (state of panic, state of ick, state of doldrums, state of insane, take your pick) I needed to be there. In fact, He knew, unbeknownst to me, that I needed to be at church.
I know I wear my heart on my sleeve. I know I am emotional. And, I know I love my friends and family very deeply. There are times, when I try not to wear my heart on my sleeve. I try to pretend that reality doesn't exist. Mom's not really dead (okay, now she is, but 19 months ago, it worked for me), Fr. Antony is on a vacation. This coping mechanism works for me, or rather actually, I think it does, only to realize, yea, not so much. This has never been more true, or more evident then today. We all know how much I love Father Antony. How much he meant to me and still does. How much I cried when he left, and lets face it, even before he left. Even after getting an email from him, I cried. Going to mass, I can't help but feel the emptiness, and I cry. So, these last few days, I tried not to think about him and about him leaving, about the deep hole left in my heart. I thought I was doing okay. Thought being the operative word. Then, I went to sleep last night. I had a hard time sleeping. And, then when I finally did, my dream...
I don't know where I was. I was inside a big building that had gym mats and climby type kid things. There were kids everywhere. And someone said to me "I have a surprise for you, turn around" and there stood Father Antony, with a smile on his face. I gave him a huge hug, and said 'welcome home'. Only to have a faceless voice behind me say 'he's not home'. And, I awoke crying.
So, today, I decided no more pretending. It was good that I had the day off today (my only one this week). I decided to let the tears flow as they came no matter where I was. I cried at the hospital (Tina's husband was having outpatient surgery for small adenoid, big uvula, pray for healing please) with Tina, I cried at the tax office, I cried in the car, I cried in Hallmark (I also laughed too, some of those cards are hysterical!) I cried in adoration, I cried with Mary (Boyle), I cried with Rose (please pray for Mark as he was laid off yesterday), I cried with Liz, I cried at my Ignatius group, I cried with George. So, I might be a little dehydrated.
The point here was that God knew I needed to be at church. He had been calling me to Him for a while, and I don't always answer His call (on the other hand, I expect Him to always answer mine lol). Today, I was brought to my knees, and knew exactly where I needed to be, close to Him. So, I went home. I went to church. I stopped in adoration and spent some time with Him. I cried, and my my wandered. Not too far off. Magical things happen in the chapel (other than the transubstantiation). Especially, during adoration. I have heard that some people see little cherub faces. Me, I see eyes. Eyes and animals in the altar. See, I sit front and center on the floor in front of Jesus. I look up to my big brother, and I talk to God. And, I look in the altar. I see bunnies, bears, cats, a doe, and a lamb. All at one time or another. I also look at the Monstrance. But staring at it too long, the gold gets too bright and hurts my eyes. So, after I spilled my burdens to my dad, my mind wandered and I was filled with calm. I then said my goodbyes and went into the church.
There, God sent me to my Mary. Then, to Rose, and then to Liz, and then, He invited me to the St. Ignatius group that I haven't been to in a year. To walk into this amazing group of women and feel such love on such a dismal day was such a gift! It was like I had never left. Yes, God knew best. He knew where I needed to be.
I wish I could say I was done crying for the day, but I wasn't. I cried this afternoon with George. My heart is aching and truth be told, there is a comfort in knowing that I am not alone. That my Julie and countless others are having a difficult time dealing with the loss of Father Antony. In my small world, I know, God needed Father Antony to move on so that I would grow and stretch and learn some sort of lesson that I need to learn (b/c after all, it's all about me, right? lol) I just wish, that the lesson could of been taught another way, without the loss of one of my dearest friend, mentors, and advisor. I am a teacup. At least, that's what Julie keeps telling me. I will be okay, with lots of time, tears, love and all of you.
Until next time,
Pray for my Carol! It's her BIRTHDAY TODAY!!! Happy Birthday, my Carol. See, I blogged about you!