My soundtrack consists of music at certain points in my life. Big moments, small moments. There's my wedding song "I could not ask for more". There's the song we used to sing to my grandpa "the candyman" b/c he used to bring us candy all the time. There's "sisters" which I sang with my Carol at the coffeehouse. There's my theme song (it's an Ally Mcbeal thing) which changes all the time. So far it's been 'brown eyed girl', 'make your own kind of music' and 'the world should revolve around me'. Currently, I am themesongless. There's the song I always sing to the girls when they can't sleep "I don't want to live on the moon" and "baby mine". There's the songs I've sang to my children when they were born, "my Maria" and later 'how do you solve a problem like Maria'. "Sarah Smile" "Amazing Grace", "sweet baby James", and "my name is James". And, there's "never alone' which I sing to remind me that mom is always here. And, as of late, there is "Good Riddance" which reminds me of Fr. Antony. I promise you it is a beautiful song by Green Day and nothing horrible as the title might lead you to believe. And there's a myriad of other songs. Hey, I've been here almost 40 years and I love music. I've got a lot of songs! lol
I also have video. I play little montages in my head. This is to the thanks of Grace. After mom died (may she rest in peace) Grace asked me if knowing I would feel all this pain and anguish, and I had the chance to do it over again, would I choose to love her. I of course said 'yes'. And, I go back and I play little videos in my head of my time together with mom. I do it with scenes from my childhood. Times with my Carol and now Fr. Antony. Sometimes, it is a little painful to remember, especially in the case of Fr. Antony when it is so fresh. But most of the time, it makes me smile. It makes me smile in happiness. That I brought someone else joy (MARY BRANSON, I MISS YOU TONS), and love. But, selfishly it helps me remember the love we share. And, in time it will get easier. I remember when Sharon moved back to PA. I remember she told me a few days before Holy Thursday. Then, there we were at Holy Thursday Mass. I was sitting in the main isle on the left. She was on the Mary side. We both were crying. Not just because she was leaving, but b/c the mass was amazing, lol. I didn't know what I was going to do without her! Would I forget her? Would she forget me? Would our friendship fizzle? I am proud to say none of those things happened. Quite the opposite actually. Our friendship has strengthened. We email and she is still one of my biggest cheerleaders! So, eventually, the pain of Fr. Antony leaving will diminish and life will continue.
The path that I am walking (ugh, more walking!) , the one that God leads me on, I do not have to walk alone. Ever. Yes, He is with me. But also, all of you (as I walk with all of you). And, that makes the walk bearable. Thank you.
Until next time,
have some tea in a screaming teacup and play some of your memories. I can't wait for Alzheimer's to hit, it's like meeting new people everyday!
PS. go to the blog (for those of you who get this emailed) www.chrpangel.blogspot.com to see the video.
Music Videos by VideoCure