Sunday, February 10, 2013

I am What I am

To say this weekend was a bit rough would be an understatement.  Yesterday was Mema's birthday.  She's dead.  She's gone.  Has been for a couple years now.  And, most days I'm okay.  Sometimes a memory will grab hold of me and not let go.  However, this weekend was more than that.  Friday night I went to bed a little melancholy as I wished her happy birthday.  Then, when Saturday began, I could tell that the day was just going to be different.  I told my husband ahead of time 'if you see me crying it's okay.  I'll be alright".  During the entire day, there were moments that would just grab me.  Normal, mundane, everyday moments and something would grab my lungs and squeeze and breathing was hard and I would cry.  I was quiet most of the day.  Hard to believe, I know, but I was.  I was just introverted.

Then, today started out most of the same.  While I was getting ready for Mass, 'Oh Danny Boy' came on my ipod.  And, the waterworks started again.  Mass was simply beautiful and simply put, exactly where I needed to be. My husband and I joined some friends of ours Friday night for a Valentine's Mass and dinner at church.  It was beautiful.  I reconnected with one of my favorite couples in the world.  I have the distinct honor of knowing this particular couple.  I am in awe of them and how much they have overcome.  This couple went through a tragic event years ago.  What would kill most people hasn't killed them all though I would venture to guess it felt like it at times.  When talking to my husband on the way home about one of the reasons I love that couple is that almost immediately after the tragedy they were at Mass.  And when someone was surprised they were there and asked why, the husband said he needed to be with God (or something to that effect) and that had a profound affect on me.  I thought of that this morning while I was at Mass, I gave lots of things up to God.  I actually listened to the homily.  We have four new Deacons (YAY!!!) and one of them gave the homily.  I listened to the readings and thought will I go where He sends me?  And, I answered Yes.  I go wherever He wants me to go, do whatever He wants me to do, and just give Him everything.  He has given me so very much.  There is no way I could thank Him enough.  One particular line of scripture caught me "But by the grace of God I am what I am".  I thought how cool is that!  I am what I am by His grace.

So, what started out as a rough weekend missing my Mema something fierce turned into a beautiful, introspective weekend with me and God.  Pretty cool if you ask me.

Until next time,
Pray for those who are alone.


No comments: