Sunday, February 23, 2014

When a Heart Breaks

Valentine's Day started eons ago as a massacre and Valentine's Day this year ended just the same.  For those of you who know me, I tend to have a flair for the dramatics.  For those of you who know me well, you know this is not the case here.

Nine days ago, my life, my families lives all took a turn for the worse.  At least for four of us anyway.  Unbeknownst to four of us, one of us had a plan.  A plan they were working on for a few weeks where all that mattered was them and not the choices they were about to make.  Or the other four of us.  Our thoughts and feelings did not matter and now for the last nine days we have been left floating in the wreckage that has become out family.

First let me say, no one died.  Everyone is alive and healthy.  For that right there, I am eternally grateful.  Secondly, let me say, if you don't know what happened at this point (I have a small close knit group of people that know) I'm not going to tell you here.  The people that know are my true prayer warriors, gurus, and people I trust with my own life and those that three other members of my family feel are their gurus and the ilk.

In this post, I am choosing to talk about me and my journey these nine days.  First off let me tell you, I have run the gamut of emotions (every emotion but happy ones).  I've been angry (surprisingly not at God).  I've been furious.  I was in shock for about two days.  I discovered the true, pure meaning of shock and awe.  I was irritated that I had to wake up the next day.  Why is God keeping me here?  I thought it was payback/karma for the horrendous things I did to my own mother almost 17 years ago.  And, I learned just how much I and my family are loved.  How much we are blessed (something I really don't take for granted.  However, to see how much you are loved is truly humbling).  How many, many people, near and far are praying for us.  How those friends of mine who don't do religion are sending good thoughts our way.  Friends I've known for years and friends I've known for months.  I have people checking in with me on a daily basis or whenever they can.  People that truly, deeply care.  That has been a lovely thing.  That in the midst of all this horrendous pain, I have seen and felt the grace of God.  That alone, while is a wonderful thing, it is something I am truly not deserving of (even though we don't earn God's grace, He give's it freely).

I always thought I had a strong faith.  And, to some extent I do.  These last nine days how ever have taught me differently.  My faith is me telling God what I problems and what I think I need.  I know best don't you know!  My faith is me giving things up to Him, and taking them back real quick because, you know, He's busy and all.  I'll just help with this one.  Here's how my past nine day journey with God has gone.

Day one:  Lots and lots and lots of pain and tears.  Learning what shock and awe really mean.  Found out just how not smart some people are.  Laughter crept in to help me deal.
Day two:  Went to Mass with one of my gurus and cried through most of it.  Spent a few minutes with my Priest afterward where we talked and he gave me a hug.  Then breakfast with my chrp sisters.  Surrounded by unconditional love, acceptance and God.  Learned that I need to surrender this.  Still in shock and awe mode.
Day three: Went to Mass.  Surrendering minute by minute.  Feeling extremely empty and hurt.
Day four:  surrendering minute by minute then onto second by second. Still empty, hurt, and moments of extreme anger.
Day five:  learned that surrender doesn't mean I'm giving you this second or minute.  It means surrendering my will to His will.  Felt like crap, I've been doing this wrong too?!
Day Six:  My new motto:  Thy will be done!  Even taped twbd to my computer monitor as a reminder!
Day seven:  Has it really been a whole week?  Realized that I haven't been trusting God at all.  That Thy will be done and His will have nothing to do with mine.  I've been surrendering wrong, now saying this wrong!  I'm such a failure!  I want this fixed and I want it fixed my way and I want it fixed NOW!  How hard is that!!!???  Do I really want God's will in this situation?  He knows the plan.  I really, really need to give up control of this.  I'm tired of being eaten alive.  I am tired of crying every night.  I'll do the fake it till you make it thing.  I'll eventually get there.
Day eight:   Still in fake it till I make it mode.  The devil is not making things easy today.  He's showing me how easy it is to hold on to my hurt and anger.  This is not good.
Day nine:  Went to Mass.  Still in fake it till I make it mode.  Trying as best as I can to get back to some sort of normalcy.  Which, is a joke as my family dynamic has changed irrevocably.  Still using humor to get through it all.  Am I ever going to sleep again?

So here I sit before you on the eve of day ten.  I have learned my heart and my faith are stronger after these nine days.  I've learned that forgiveness doesn't come easy and that I am so not there yet.  I am learning that I need to let go of this control and having things my way.  That we all grieve (and boy are we grieving) at different stages and in our own way.  That we all have to forgive in our own time and that is perfectly okay.  That all the prayer that we have been receiving has helped four of us be able to carry this cross.  That it's okay to be on the mat for a while while our friends carry us.  Sometimes we carry and sometimes we need to be carried.  And, for the control freaks like me, I want to carry, not be carried.  That is where surrendering lies.  When I am too tired to fight anymore.  Where after the fight or flight fire dies down (if you don't know, I'm a fighter) and nothing is left but tiredness and feeling week.  That I can lay there and be carried (or dragged lol).  Acceptance is hard.  Acceptance that my life, our lives have change.  Acceptance that it is my time to be carried.  Acceptance that all the fight is just about out of me.  Acceptance, true acceptance of His will.  Blind faith, heck any faith, is hard.  Somehow, I feel like this should be lent with all the chipping away, polishing and pruning that is being done with me and my family.  If this is what it's like before lent, I can only imagine what he has in store for those upcoming forty days.  But you know what?  With all of those praying for us both near and far, we'll handle that challenge too.  Grant you, it may not be pretty, but we'll get it done.

Until next time,
Hug those closest to you. And thank you all for being there for us.


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