I'm Still Here

Grab your drink of choice and settle in, this might be a long one.

Six months ago, I couldn't wait to be here, where I am now.  I thought things would be back to normal in a nice little box tied with a Tiffany blue bow.  That is not the case.

Valentine's day this year, one of my children made a choice that directly impacted the entire family.  Fifty-two very long days later, that decision was unmade.  However, now we were left with the aftermath.  All of us have been and still are, hurt.  Emotionally hurt.  It's six months later and I look around me and I still see the burning embers.  Daily, I walk among this ashes.  I see the carnage that is left in the wake of it all.  Has my faith been shaken?  Eh, not really.  However, I am learning that I have no control over others choices that they make for themselves.  This in and of itself is hard enough.  I like control.  I like order.  I like things the way I like them and that is how I like them.  I have a vision how things should go, how they should be and I'm old enough to realize that isn't how life works.  That God and life has other plans.

No one tells you when you have kids about the hard stuff.  Sometimes they try, but they can'/t really explain it.  You have to live it.  Sure being a parent is awesome and joyous and awful and horrible and amazing and loving all at the same time.  It's hard.  It's hard on you physically, mentally, and especially emotionally.  I'm past the crying stage, the depressed stage (mostly), the anger stage, the grief stage.  Now, I've settled in complacency.  This is what the situation is and this is what it is going to be for a while.  Sure my child is not the same person they use to be before this happened.  None of us are.  Now, it's a dance.  Now it's us circling around each other trying to get to know who this new child is.  Is this a new child?  Is it the same child?  I see glimpses of the old  child?  What does this new child want/like?  How am I suppose to parent this new child?  The answer to that last one is I'm not.  They're an adult.  They make their own choices and decisions.  I'm just here.  It's the just here that I have an issue with.

I miss you.  I miss all of you.  I have wanted to share with all of you what's going on.  But how much do I tell?  What do I tell?  I don't know.  Most of you who read this know what has happened so should I reiterate it all again?  Some of you don't know.  If I don't share, what if there are others like me out there who need support?  I could be that source of support?  So, I'll give you the brief synopsis:  Valentine's day. Child ran away to live with boyfriend; pregnancy scare (two of them); they broke up; child moved back home; found out child was a cutter; child did inpatient for a week; then out patient for a while.  Child graduated high school.  Child has not cut for five months.    Child is working.  Child is thinking about going to school.  Child makes own decisions and I get to watch.  I use the term child because no matter how old they get, they will always be my children.  My child.

So, in the middle of all of this, I had just been at my job four months.  It's been almost a year that I've been there.  I pray every night for a new job.  I like what I do, I like a few people I work with, and that's where it ends.  In June, June 24th to be exact, I had enough.  Enough of living paycheck to paycheck and I became a distributor with It Works i.e., that crazy wrap thing.  I'm sure you've seen it all over my facebook or have seen me passing our my coupons for wraps or wearing my bling shirt.  Let's be honest shall we?  I was scared.  I've done pampered chef twice, mary kay, and lia sophia.  Why would this be any different?  My dear friend who had done pampered chef, avon and others sat down with me and said "it is different'.  And, I've trusted her for years with my sons life.  How could I not trust her with mine?  And, she was right.  It is different.  The level of support is unheard of.  It is not a get rich quick scheme.  It is a business.  My business.  I get out of it what I put into it.  Starting today it is another full time job.  So, after I work at my 8-5, I come home and work full time with my business (chrpangelwraps.com  shameless plug but you're reading my blog about my life so....lol)  I have an accountability partner, but I am asking you, you reading this, all of you, to be my accountability partners as well.  To keep me on track to make sure I reach my goals.  We all know my level of self doubt and self confidence.  However, with your help, I CAN and WILL do this!

My family is doing good.  The five of us are learning to dance..  The child who left with the four of us and the four of us with the child.  It's still a long way to go, But, we'll get there when we're suppose to.

Until next time (I promise it wont be so long again),
Love one another as He has loved you.

Love,
Me