Well, it's been two weeks since I returned home from my retreat. There's a saying I mentioned last episode about 'coming down the mountain'. I didn't just come down the mountain, I fell spectacularly. I tumbled, summer salted (why is it called that?), twisted, turned, tripped, all completed not so gracefully.
While they say in the Princess Bride "life is pain. Anyone else who says differently is selling something" isn't true, it's kind of close. Yes, life HAS pain. And, sometimes, it's a pain in the arse. Life, in all its mucky glory is a struggle. There are peaks, valley's, and plateaus. The peaks are to celebrate, the valley's build us and teach us to be strong and who are tribe really is, and are plateaus, well, I don't have an answer for that one.
Over the last two weeks, I have had moments where I shone brightly, and others where I have failed. In what I have done and in what I failed to do, through my own fault. I have been less than kind, not so much to others, but with myself. Why is that so easy to do? This week has been especially hard. If you don't know me, the easiest, quickest thing to know about me is that life is not grey for me. Things are either black or white. There is no in between. A co-worker commented last week what an over achiever I am. I replied "I'm so type A, even my blood is type A!" Big Daddy is really great at helping me adjust to grey. It's not always easy. He's been trying for 18 years to get me to see that just because things don't go the way I think they should doesn't mean it's wrong, I failed, or a reflection on me. That is hard. But hey, I'm a work in progress.
This week, I cried, I mean big, ugly cries, 4 out of the 5 days this week. One of my gurus called me Thursday, which is most likely why I didn't cry that day. She said "your sister said you need me". My sister knows me well. My guru shared her words of wisdom and help me see a little bit of grey. She said "an expectation is a premeditated resentment". What's even cooler is that Mrs. Ann Lee said the same thing on my retreat! I'm getting the grey, but sloooowly.
Today I am spent. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. All the crying and all the working this week has taken a toll on my body. If I didn't have my thrive, I can't imagine how bad I would be. Yes, I failed spectacularly this week. However, I made people laugh everyday, I have loved fiercely everyday and I have lived everyday. To me, that is a successful week.
While grey may be Mr. Jones' favorite color (listen to Mr. Jones by the Counting Crows), it is not mine. However, I am learning to appreciate it. And, while I hate failing spectacularly, I choose to do it like Buzz Lightyear, with style!
Until next time,
Don't be so hard on yourself.
Love,
Me
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