Movies, Music, and My Mama

 Did you ever see the movie Babe?  It's a fabulous movie about a pig.  There's a scene in the when Babe says in a sad tone "I want my mum".  I've said that a lot over the years.  Although we talked almost every day, sometimes I just wanted a hug from her.  She made everything better.  It's been eighteen days since my Mama passed and I feel quite hollow.  I get up every day and do my daily routine.  Awake, pee, brush teeth, wash face, let Iggy out, get Big Daddy set for work.  The rest of my day is filled with the mundane; grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, et al.  I abhor laundry more than any other task.  It's the putting it all away for me.  I don't know why. 

There's an old movie I loved as a kid, Little Lord Fauntleroy.  It's a movie about a boy (Ricky Schroeder) and stars Alec Guinness.  SPOILER ALERT!!!!  At the end of the movie, Ricky Schroeder's Mom comes out from behind the Christmas tree.  Ever since we moved away from being local to my Mama 23 years ago, my wish was that she would come out from behind my Christmas tree each year.  It didn't happen and each year I would say 'next year'!  The last few years as my Mama's health became more challenging, I knew it would never happen, but I still wished she would surprise me.  The reality of that dream being no longer possible greatly saddens me.

My Mama and I connected on so many levels, not just movies (we loved Funny Girl and very bad B movies, They Call Me Bruce, and Rhinestone) but music.  We had two songs that were wholly ours:  I Just Called to Say I Love You as well as You and Me Against the World.  I grew up listening to my Mama sing everything from Helen Ready, Captain & Tennille, to opera.  Some of my very favorite memories as a teenager was playing the piano while my Mama or my sister would sing.  

While movies and music are wonderful, the best gift my Mama gave me was my faith.  As a cradle Catholic, I grew up getting the sacraments and went to church every Sunday.  While I didn't understand the why of it as a child, I knew it as it's just what we did.  We didn't talk a lot about Jesus and faith while I was growing up.  Rather, it was quietly instilled.  We prayed before every meal, we were taught to say our prayers, and my Mama let me know if ever I needed anything, Jesus was there.  I would talk to God, but really didn't listen for an answer, just talk.  As I became older, and I'd like to think somewhat wiser, we had more talks about faith, Jesus, and the Saints.  I still talk to Jesus and even pause to listen for His voice sometimes lol

While I miss my Mama so much, sometimes it's hard to breathe, my faith, the faith that she instilled in me continues and will continue to sustain me.

 Until next time, know I am praying for your intentions.

Love,

Me

100 Days

Well, it has been some time, hasn't it?  Since my last blog post, we've moved cities, build a home, lost jobs, gained jobs, faced health issues, lost loved ones, became empty nesters, and found our tribe.  The kids are all grown and married and we now have THREE grandchildren!  Through all of this there was sadness, pain, joy, faith and a multitude of love.

I titled this post 100 days because it sounds better than 98.  In 98 days we took two trips to Philadelphia, Big Daddy's dad, whom I've claimed as my own dad for the last 25 years, the most brilliant person I've ever known, passed away.  Then, both girls were married, three weeks apart.  Throw in Thanksgiving, Christmas, a trip to Myrtle Beach, and then 15 days ago, my mama, the keeper of my heart, passed away.  During these 98 days there was absolute joy and soul crushing sorrow.  However, the thing that persists, the reason I get out of bed in the morning, is my faith.  That, and the fact I have to pee.

Faith doesn't mean that everything is going to be easy, it means I'm going to be okay no matter what is happening.  I'm blessed that I was able to be at both of their bedsides and tell them how much I love them and how much they meant to me.  Both, for different reasons.  I'm blessed with the love and strength of our tribe that has sustained me daily, especially when I don't realize it.  I'm blessed that God brought me Big Daddy and his parents, the greatest in-laws to ever walk the faith of the earth.  I'm blessed that we added two sons to our family.  I don't like the term in-law as to me, it comes across as 'the law says you have to let me into your home'.  Meh, do I reaaally?  We not only welcomed two new sons into our home, but into our hearts.    They (and their families) are the perfect spouses for our girls.  Lest I leave my daughter-in-love out, our friendship and love have grown exponentially over the last four years.  I'm blessed to have watched our children grow into wonderful adults.  Were the last few years easy?  No.  Not at all.  There were arguments, hurt feelings, anger, and resentment.  But, there was also, forgiveness, friendship, grace, and love.  Any relationship, be it friendship, marriage, or relationships with your adult children, they take work.  No one is perfect.  Perfection is a myth.  That has taken me too many years to realize.  There are going to be arguments, disagreements, anger, et al.  The key is forgiveness and grace both for yourself and them (I'm working on forgiving myself and giving myself grace, it's not always easy).  Does that mean my relationship with my friends and children are perfect?  Nope, not a chance.  While they are good, there is always room for improvement.  I'm a type A control freak with OCD.  I want my family and my tribe all to live next door (at least within five seconds, don't you know).  I want them to have amazing lives, I want to have big gatherings with them all.  It doesn't work like that.  They have their own lives, dreams, and goals.  I am blessed that I get to be a part of it.

Through the last few months, I've been depressed, angry, sad, and yes, joyful.  And through it all my faith, family, and my tribe is what sustained me.  I know no matter how bad things are that God is using my pain, sorrow, and joy, for a reason.  And, while I selfishly want to know the reason, most days, I'm content in not knowing.   I know that while I am mourning the loss of those who had the most profound affect on my life, that I am not alone.  I am never alone.  God, Big Daddy, and my tribe surround me with love, patience, and sometimes a kick in the arse when needed.

Until next time, I wish you faith that can move mountains and a tribe of your very own.

Love,

Me