Saturday, October 17, 2009

Growing up.

I think I've reached a new level in maturity despite my vasts attempts not too. On the St. Jude website they have forms where you can plan your own funeral. I looked over it a week or so ago and I wasn't all to excited about the readings that were listed as choices. Yea they're okay, but not my favorite readings. And, after all, it is my funeral, literally. And, a.s a control freak, I should have some control over my funeral, at least my wishes anyways. I hope so anyways. But, I digress.

I was at a funeral for a very dear friends Mom this morning, and came across someone in the know about such things who is on the staff at church. So, I asked her if we have to use those readings. she said 'no' and that they were just some ideas. I got all kinds of excited! WOOHOO, I can have my readings! So, I'm sure, that despite my best efforts, that has to be some sort of growth maturity wise, whether I like it or not. lol I mean, who else do you know who gets excited about their own funeral reading? lol

So, I'm at the aforementioned funeral and then it hit me. I couldn't breathe. Mom. George's Mom, MY mom (one in the same). It's been 22 months since Mom passed. Y'know I was commenting to myself the other day (what you don't talk to yourself in your head too? ) how it feels like forever since she passed and how maybe, just maybe, I'm over the grieving process. I thought it was bittersweet. Don't get me wrong, in the breath of a second, I can be back at her viewing. I can feel everything I felt that day. Every nerve ending, every breath, every tear, every thought, I can go right back. But there's something in the simplistic way that without you knowing it's happening, life goes on. Not at first mind you. It's awful! Painful even! When Mom passed, I felt it totally unfair. How can life go on without her here? But one day turns into another into another. And then, without you knowing, one day you find that you can breath. Even though in the beginning, you think it will never happen.

Then, I realized at the funeral, I will never, ever be over her death. And, that thought made me immensely happy. It was the realization that my love of her will never die and never be forgotten. That while my daily life goes on, there are those days, whether at a funeral or out and about, that I will have the wind sucked out of me, and I will feel, deep in my soul, the great loss of my Mom and one of the greatest loves I have ever known.

Until next time,
Resist maturity, it's overrated!


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